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From: Aaron <totaldis@shells.optidynamic.com>
Subject: {LeAnna} The Beginning Of A Life [psychology]
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Sorry for the long, dry spell -- one computer problem after another! The
good news is that I've got two other stories waiting to come out. One is
called "God's Girl", in its final stages of revision, and the other is
called "Illusion Of Love". It is a submission for Celeste's story
contest. (It'll beat YOUR puny submission. :-) Email your comments to
leanna1@hotmail.com -- I honestly DO read all your comments and try to
respond to them myself. The homepage is at
http://www.geocities.com/athens/academy/2194/. It has not been updated as
of late due to these comptuer troubles -- I doubt that even Strawberries
is posted. You'd fare better doing a power search for my email address in
Dejanews.
Copyright 1998 by LeAnna. No part of this story may be reproduced in any
form or manner without explicit written permission from the author.
Permission is granted for one hard copy for personal use. If you are a
minor in your jurisdection, you probably didn't read this warning.
[The Beginning Of A Life by LeAnna]
"It's the beginning of the end."
Pause. "Why do you say that?"
"Because. Just because. Because it's gone on for so long that I
don't even want to fight for the next day anymore. You know, they tell
you to take it one day at a time, but if I did that, well, I'd go crazy.
I take it week by week."
"Take what, Rachelle?"
"My relationship."
"I see. Go on."
"You didn't even notice, did you?"
"Notice?"
"I said _my_ relationship, not _our_ relationship or even my
relationship _with_ him. It's turned into something selfish. It's
mutated beyond something that was _ours_." I sighed. "I convince myself
that I love him. And that's the last thing you have to do when you're in
love."
"I don't quite understand your problem here. What exactly occured
to make you feel this way?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"Absolutely nothing. That's why I feel like this."
"Is it that you're feeling restless?"
"No. Well, I suppose. Yes, that's it."
"Why are you feeling restless?"
"Come on, Dr. Jaquays! You know exactly what the fuck I'm talking
about -- exactly! -- so cut the shit, will you?"
"But -- I don't understand exactly what you maen."
"You ever been in love?"
"Yes."
"Is it love, then, when you feel a need to explore further and you
can't with that person -- you need to rip yourself inside out with love
and you can't? Jim is a calm love. We fuck listlessly every night. We
don't suck or lick. We don't pet. We just get him hard, put it inside
me, thrust, repeat. I come to a polite orgasm. Sometimes we'd get wild
and crazy and I'd be on top. And then we'd go to sleep. Sleep! With
love there is no time for sleep!"
"I see."
"I thought that he was it, him and his calm ways. I thought I was gonna
settle down and marry him. But there's no fire. I need fire. We don't
even fucking argue! He's so spineless that he gives right in! It's so
sedate. It's so ... fucking ... sedate. And that's what bothers me so
much."
"Perhaps you should take some time apart, then."
"Yes! That's what I'm saying! But..."
"But?"
"Well, it's been so long that I've slipped into it. I'm using
this comfortable little relationship as a security blanket. I can't bear
to be without him -- but I can't stand being with him!"
"What's preventing you from standing on your own, Rachelle? What
are you afraid of, exactly?"
"Afraid?"
"Yes. Afraid."
"Well... Loneliness, I suppose. Even though I've met someone
else, I'm terrified of being alone."
"Someone else? You never mentioned someone else."
"Yes, someone else. It's wonderful. We don't fuck. We don't
even need to fuck! We're so busy living and loving it and sharing life
that we don't even need to fuck! We just lie there and whisper to each
other. Laugh. Cry. _Live!_"
"Is this a relationship, or a deep friendship?"
"How the hell am I supposed to know?... Sorry."
"It's okay."
"I just can't make heads or tails of this. We sit up late and
talk about sex. Methods. Needs and wants. We don't touch -- we stare
into each other's eyes and make love with our eyes. And this, yes, this
'someone else' has beautiful green eyes with brown flecks. Hazel, is it
called?..."
"Does Jim know?"
"What's to know? We talk dirty? You know, sh -- he made me squirm in my
seatjust by describing how a girl's neck should be kissed
-- and I get wet listening to h... him describing how he unties his shoes!
And you gotta understand, _that_ is perfect to me."
"What's keeping you, then? Pursue your happiness. Leave Jim.
You need this, Rachelle."
"Because it's too perfect."
"Hmm. But you're not happy with Jim?"
"You gotta understand where I'm coming from. This other person is
-- just incredibly intelligent. Jan -- he taught me how to hack and he
can write poetry and he skipped a grade in high school. And he's...
beautiful. But I'm -- yes, I admit it -- scared. Scared that after I've
ruined my relationship with Jim this won't even work out."
"It may not work out, Rachelle, but it leaves you free to find the
perfect person."
"And it would mean I'm a lesbian."
"What?"
"Yes. It's a woman. I -- ah -- I don't even know why I said
otherwise but..."
"It's -- it's okay. Perhaps you felt that if you didn't admit it
out loud, it wouldn't be real."
"Yeah. Or something. Psychobabble."
"This person -- woman --, is she straight?"
Pause.
"She is, isn't she?"
"Yes."
"Hmm. Does she know... have you talked to her about this?"
"No."
"This is quite a fix you're in."
"I... ah... wish I could love Jim with this ferocity."
"If you talk to her, maybe she'll understand... do you want some
Kleenex?"
"I need Prozac. Give me a prescription for Prozac."
"Rachelle, it isn't that bad."
"I -- I don't wanna love her! I wanna lie in my sedate bed in my
sedate house, fucking my sedate, listless, dead fish of a boyfriend! I'm
fucking sick of sedate! I don't want to live this fucking sedate life
anymore!"
"Rachelle. Look at it this way. It can all be so simple. You
said that if you leave you will be happier. So do it. It could hurt at
first, yes, it will hurt, but it'll be better for you. If it doesn't work
out with this person, this woman, then travel and find someone else.
But most of all, I think you should resolve your feelings for her. Talk
to her."
"I don't wanna ruin this friendship. What if -- and then there's
being a lesbian itself! Lesbians scare me! They seem so bold and -- and
wanton" --
"But you don't have to fit the stereotype. The lesbians you see
are not the only ones in the world. In fact, you know, nobody fits any
stereotype perfectly -- not when you look deep into them."
"Maybe I would leave Jim if I could ever have her. But you know
as well as I do that I'm gonna walk out that door, go home to my sedate
life, and spend all night pining for someone I couldn't have in a million
years, two days, and half an hour! Never!"
"Hmm. Look at yourself, Rachelle. You know this can't continue. You
know as well as I do that you're going to crack unless you do something.
You'll never be happy, Rachelle, until you do something."
"I know."
"So do something! What are you gonna do?"
"I -- Dr. Jaquays --"
"What are you gonna do?"
"I... I guess I'd better talk to her, then, shouldn't I?"
===
(c) 1998 by LeAnna Gingras.
leanna1@hotmail.com
http://www.geocities.com/athens/academy/2194/
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