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From: anon584c@nyx.cs.du.edu (Name withheld by request)
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.d,alt.sex.stories
Subject: Celestial Reviews 151 - January 22, 1997
Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d
Date: 28 Jan 1997 00:33:53 -0700
Organization: University of Denver, Dept. of Math & Comp. Sci.
Lines: 410
Distribution: World
Message-ID: <5cka51$nh8@nyx.cs.du.edu>
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Xref: newsfeed.direct.ca alt.sex.stories.d:19963 alt.sex.stories:148850
Status: N
Note: I have been unable to post this issue correctly. I think (but am not
certain) that AOL is at fault. Since AOL's e-mail still works, I am going to
send this issue and the next to another person, who will try to post it.
Correspondence should still come to me at Celeste801@aol.com.)
Second Note: Many people have expressed interest in the 801 in my AOL
address. I used to reply that I tried to get just plain Celeste but that was
already taken and the computer suggested Celeste801. Nobody believes that
story, so here's the real reason. We'll approach it backwards, which is a
lot easier to understand.
1. First, you SUBTRACT 666 (the number of the Antichrist) from 801, which
gives you 135
(801 - 666 = 135)
You subtract, of course, because most sex stories are GOOD, not EVIL (hence,
subtract 666).
2. Then you ADD 69 (the most popular number in sex stories) to 135, which
gives you 204.
(135 + 69 = 204)
You add, of course, because most of the stories I review ARE sexy.
3. Then you subtract the value corresponding to all the Roman numerals. C
and L are the only Roman numerals, and CL is 150.
(204 - 150 = 54)
The reason for doing this may be obvious to you, but I consider it to be a
secret.
4. After C and L have been removed, only E E S T E are left. There are 3
E's, and E is the Fifth letter of the alphabet. Three times five is fifteen.
In addition, S is the 19th letter of the alphabet and T the 20th. Nineteen
plus twenty equals thirty-nine. If we subtract 39 from 54, we get
(incredibly enough) 15. Fifteen is exactly the number of stories I put on my
Top Fifteen Stories List each month. More importantly the digits in 69 add
up to 15. In addition, at the time I started writing these stories 15 was
the record for the number of times my husband and I had engaged in sexual
activities that gave at least one of us an orgasm within any single week (a
seven-day period, not necessarily Sunday through Saturday, which would have
yielded 12 and ruined this whole computation. However, if we count only
occasions when we BOTH had an orgasm during a continuous sexual encounter,
the seven-day record would have been 12, which {now that I think about it}
was set on December 12 somewhere around midnight during the 12th month of our
marriage. I think you can see where this line of reasoning is going.)
So that's why I'm Celeste801. This wouldn't work with any number other than
801.
- Celeste
"The Farmer's Daughter" by Ramapo (sex down on the farm)
9.5, 10, 10
"Chastity" by Radchick (rape) 5, 3, 3
"Angela" by Friar Dave (emerging adolescence) 10, 10, 10
"Ghost: The Long Goodbye" by Unknown Author
(ghostly sex) 4, 3, 3
"Removing the Chocolate" by Rajah Dodger (food and
kinky sex) 10, 8, 8
"The Nun's Dream" by Unknown Author (oral and anal
sex with a nun) 7, 5, 5
"Castaways" by Dafney DeWitt (recycling sex) 10, 10, 10
"Penthouse Forum Letter" by Great Big Uncle Jim (Penthouse
Forum Letter) 10, 6, 9
"Heather and Hamlet" by Nevyn (voyeurism & bestiality)
9, 10, 10
"Christmas Break" by Mat Twassel (sexual fantasies) 10, 10, 10
"Call It Even Someday" by P. D. Michael (blackmail & revenge)
9.5, 7, 8
* "Stake Out" by P. D. Michael (outdoor sex) 10, 9, 9
* = Repost of previous review (because the story has recently been
reposted).
"The Farmer's Daughter" by Ramapo (pjchris@cpcug.org). The author sent a
note with this story (which is listed as TFD in the postings), stating that
he had missed the deadline for my Third Annual Writing Contest but would
submit this story anyway. Thinking I should review it before you forgot what
that contest was all about, I read it right away. Some guys will do anything
to get a story reviewed! The story actually has nothing to do with my
contest, but it's a very good story.
Discontented with life, dissatisfied with the fast track to success in the
business world, the narrator has gone for a relaxing drive in the country,
but the car has broken down in a secluded area. Seeking help, the narrator
meets the farmer and the farmer's beautiful and talented young daughter. The
daughter has an interesting way to reward her horse for good behavior, but I
don't think it constitutes bestiality. The attraction between the narrator
and the farmer's daughter is obvious, and then we have a surprise ending that
I cannot discuss with you. It's difficult to make a sudden twist like this
ending consistent with the previous plot, but this author carries off the
surprise and the necessary logic very effectively.
Ratings for "The Farmer's Daughter"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Chastity" by Radchick (radr0x0rs@aol.com) Playa is a guy who hates
Chastity, because she's always trying to break up the relationship between
himself and his girlfriend, whose name is Whore. Later, everybody marries
everybody else, and they all live happily ever after. I think this is a
morality play without a moral. It's convoluted and weird.
Ratings for "Chastity"
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 3
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3
"Angela" by Friar Dave (friar_dave@mhbbs.com). Friar Dave is a little hard
to figure out. Some of his stories show us that pushing kids into early sex
can be really bad for them. Other stories, like this one, demonstrate that a
young girl can have a great time with no ill effects by making it with an
older man. This is a really hot, sexy story. Now I'm going to discuss the
legal. ethical, and personal issues. I'll try to be interesting, but if you
don't want to read that part, skip to the ratings, which say that this is an
excellent story.
Would I like to have had Angela's experience when I was 12 years old?
Actually, no; but I was a different type of kid. But would I like to have
been like Angela and then have had this experience. Yes, I have to admit it
sounds really neat: my first sexual with an experienced guy who cared about
me and thrilled me to consecutive orgasms while he teaches me how to make
tender love to him - what's there not to like?
Would I like my daughters to have Angela's experience? Again, in the context
described in the previous paragraph - why would I want to keep them from this
kind of pleasure and growth experience?
The problem is that real life does not match fantasy. In the movies there
are car chases in which cars routinely zoom down crowded sidewalks and nobody
gets hurt. Those are exciting car chases and interesting fantasies; but in
real life police departments have rules about "hot pursuit," because they
know that innocent people would be killed or injured if they did what the
cops do in the movies. It's the same with sexual stories; we need to
differentiate between fantasy and real life. Lots of kids who start having
sex when they are twelve find that they can't stop it once they have started
and wind up with seriously dysfunctional lifestyles. I've discussed this in
my review of "Marie," and I won't repeat that discussion here.
So my advice to my daughters is to stay away from dirty old men and not to
seduce the nice men they meet. On the other hand, they can fantasize all
they want. Likewise, had I not been religiously repressed, I wish I would
have had fantasies like this back when I was twelve.
What's a guy supposed to do if a nice, cute kid comes into his house and
innocently wiggles her ass in front of his nose? He should be friendly and
persuasive and do whatever it takes to decline the opportunity. Really. He
should consider the possibility of either discussing the matter with the
child's parents or encouraging her to see a counselor. Really. He should in
the future avoid placing himself in compromising positions. Then he should
go off by himself and either jerk off, visit his adult lover, or take a cold
shower - or maybe write a hot story for this newsgroup. Really.
{Parenthetically, even though I enjoyed this story and gave it high ratings,
I would probably prosecute an adult who would conduct himself this way with
my underage daughter. It wouldn't be an automatic reaction. I'd look at the
facts of the actual situation, but I agree with the notion that 12-year-olds
who say they want to have sex with an adult are usually not responsible for
their actions, whereas the adult is.}
Ratings for "Angela"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Ghost: The Long Goodbye" by Unknown Author. The guy has died in an auto
accident; but as his spirit leaves the body, it decides to stop off and say
good-bye to Rachel, his one true love. Unfortunately, when the ghost scoots
into Rachel's window, she is making love to someone else. So he goes into
the other guy's body and has sex with Rachel, but he finds this experience to
be unsatisfactory; and so he goes back to the hospital and enters the body of
a woman who looks like Rachel and makes love to an insipid intern. Then he
goes into somebody else's body and calls Rachel on the telephone and tells
her to come on down to the hospital, because he's dying. She comes, but he
isn't dying after all, and she remembers him making love to her in the other
guy's body, but then he dies. I think.
My impression is that there's a creative idea in here someplace, but it's
hardly worth the trouble to look for it. Authors should proofread and polish
their stories a little bit before they post them.
Ratings for "Ghost: The Long Goodbye"
Athena (technical quality): 4
Venus (plot & character): 3
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3
"Removing the Chocolate" by Rajah Dodger (rdodger@mailmasher.com). A brief
prologue refers to "another encounter," which I presume occurred in another
story. Since I don't know what that story is, however, I have evaluated this
as a stand-alone story. I hesitate to call anyone's sexual preferences kinky
- but I can think of no more suitable word for what happens in this story.
The guy comes home from an encounter with another woman with his cock encased
in chocolate. His wife is a good sport about it and with the help of a
couple of ice cubes and the family cat goes about removing the chocolate. I
didn't know that cats liked chocolate. Interesting!
Ratings for "Removing the Chocolate"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
"The Nun's Dream" by Unknown Author. In this story one young nun spies on
another who is having oral and anal sex with a stranger. Geoffrey Chaucer
wrote a similar story called "The Nun's Priest Tale." Actually, it's not
similar at all; but how many of you remember Chaucer? Chances are that
Chaucer's story will outlast this one.
As the self-proclaimed defender of minority groups who have no other
advocates on this newsgroup (only nuns and the Amish, as far as I know), I
would like to reiterate that the stories about lewd nuns are mostly
apocryphal. I checked with my friend who is an ex-nun. She verified my
insight that nuns have many bad habits <g>, but very few nuns actually give
head to potential donors. Besides, most nuns are about 400 years old. She
hastened to point out that things may be different in Rome, where the Vatican
officials have more direct control over their nuns.
Ratings for "The Nun's Dream"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
"Castaways" by Dafney DeWitt (ii361@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). The author tells
us that this is a story for ecology freaks. It shows what might go wrong if
environmental ethics were allowed to creep into our sex lives.
In spite of her affair with him, Jennifer has been dumped by her boss. She's
angry, but she does not to hurt the woman who has replaced her in the boss's
life. She even feels sympathy for Bart's newest conquest, knowing how he
will use and discard her. But she wants to hurt Bart. She wants to hurt him
bad, but she needs a plan. And so, with insights gleaned from the author's
introduction and from my own evil mind, I decided to guess what that plan
would be. Jennifer will seduce the boss's wife, who actually owns the
company, and will use her new-found power to humiliate her former boss by
turning him into her sex slave.
Well, I was close - Deirdre trained me well. But in spite of my feeling that
I knew what was going to happen, the rest of the story certainly held my
attention, and I was surprised at the ending. This is a good story by a very
good author.
Ratings for "Castaways"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Penthouse Forum Letter" by Great Big Uncle Jim (coolguy3@ix.netcom.com).
Initially I skipped past this story, but then curiosity got the best of me.
Some people read this newsgroup for its jerk-off value; some people read
Penthouse for the same reason. In addition, most readers of both sources are
primarily interested in good literature. So what could be more natural than
a comparison of the two sources? And so, I decided to review this story,
which allegedly appeared in Penthouse Forum under the title NOT ENOUGH
TIT-FUCKING SEX IN "FORUM."
After a prologue in which the 37-year-old male chides the journal for its
paucity of stories that focus on mammary (or inter-mammary) contact, the
author gets to his point: the nearly beatific experience he and his lady (who
has a killer ass and 38DD-25-37 accouterments) experienced the night before,
when they got naked together after two long weeks of separation, without ANY
sexual activity whatsoever. Well, let me tell you - there was kissing,
licking, sucking and jiggling and more cumming than when the cows come home
in Iowa. And there was and squeezing, tickling, screaming, creaming, and
jiggling, and his cock became harder than steel and was drooling
uncontrollably like the dog on that commercial where the lady puts the
kibbles and bits right there in the bowl in front of the hungry little
critter. And there was holding and grasping and cupping and sliding and
hammering (of the heart, that is - kinda like those violent palpitations Aunt
Bea or her friend Clara used to get when somebody didn't like their
preserves) and pulsating, until finally the lady says, "Fuck my big, hot
tits, baby!" And then she said some things you don't hear in church and not
even in most barber shops or beauty salons. And that's just what he does!
He fucks her big, hot tits, baby! And then she squeezes her sumptuous
breasts together, completely smothering his cock and balls with the slick,
warm, soft nakedness of her stiff-nippled breasts! And - can you believe it -
they sell this magazines at airports, and guys sit right there on airplanes
and read this kind of stuff while they sit there three abreast - if you'll
pardon the expression - right there between maybe a nun and a school marm;
and they read this stuff and probably shoot their jism all over the inside of
their underpants (if they're wearing any) or maybe even pull their sex organ
out and shoot it under the blanket that they borrow from the nun or school
marm or maybe even a virgin cheerleader with big tits herself who is on her
way to bible camp; and these other people would just blithely be reading
their bibles or saying their prayers or maybe trying to think of a new
mantra; and they would be horrified to know what this man is reading on the
magazine that he has hidden so carefully inside the copy of Time or New
Yorker or Computer Shopper that he bought to hide the good stuff inside of.
And wouldn't it be really funny if the nun or the school marm asked to
borrow the New Yorker and the guy would give her the Penthouse magazine by
mistake and would get all flustered and would expose himself to her right
there and she would look down and say, "That's quite a muttondagger you have
there, young man!" and then go back to her bible or her prayers or her
mantra.
Wow! I think I'm going to pretend that all of this really happened and send
it to the Penthouse Forum. I'll tell them that I really like their magazine
and especially the letters in the forum, but I'll say that they never have
anything about what really happens on airplanes, and then I'll tell them what
happened to me (but not really, but they won't know that).
In short, the grammar and style were pretty good - the editors at Penthouse
proofread better than most of our authors. On the other hand, the "plot" was
pretty lame. I mean, I made up an almost equally good plot just about as
fast as I could type the words in this review (with one hand, of course). As
for sexual stimulation and prurient interest - I think I might have
shortchanged this letter in this regard. Had I not gotten irritated by the
stereotypical structure of the "letter" I might actually have found it quite
arousing. In fact, I'm sure I would have.
So, if you have access to a computer and modem, stick with alt.sex.stories.
Download them to your laptop's hard disk when you travel, and save the five
bucks that you'd pay for the magazine. Many of the newsgroup authors right
better stories than this. On the other hand, I understand that some airlines
make travelers turn the laptop off during major parts of the flight, and so
the ole Penthouse may still come in handy.
Ratings for "Penthouse Forum Letter"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Heather and Hamlet" by Nevyn (MCG@bartra.demon.co.uk). The narrator has
work to do on his computer, and he seriously proclaims that nothing that
Heather can do will pull him away from his disciplined effort to get the work
done. Well, maybe not Heather alone; but what about Heather plus Hamlet?
That's a formidable combination, even if Hamlet is a large dog. The spectacle
of Heather and Hamlet sixty-nining at his feet eventually evokes a
mountainous protrusion that makes it difficult for the narrator to balance
his laptop in his lap any longer. And so the narrator gives up, sets his
work aside, and joins the frolic - even though Heather's most interesting
aperture is thoroughly occupied by the Great Dane. I GUESS this is possible.
Ratings for "Heather and Hamlet"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Christmas Break" by Mat Twassel (mmtwassel@aol.com). The man is sitting in
his office, watching the consultant finish up her work at the computer. The
company makes screen savers, and he doesn't know for sure whether she is
testing his in-house version, which contains embedded erotic events <g>. He
also can't help thinking about the doorknob in her hotel room and the
wonderful things the consultant might do to herself before or after a shower.
Eventually, he confronts her on the elevator with a mild sexual innuendo.
For the denouement, you'll have to read this delightful story yourself.
Ratings for "Christmas Break"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Call It Even Someday" by P. D. Michael (pdmm@interlog.com). The narrator's
sister-in-law, Cheryl, is a snotty bitch who always puts him down in front of
other people. An opportunity to gain revenge arises when he happens to see
her with another man. He gives her the impression that he has tapes of their
romp at the motel, and the blackmail project is underway. So he has sex with
her and humiliates her and lives happily ever after. It's a pretty good (but
not quite complete) story.
Ratings for "Call It Even Someday"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8
* "Stake Out" by P. D. Michael (pdmm@interlog.com). Some guys who have been
long-time friends take their wives camping in Algonquin Park in Ontario. One
day they play a game where each of the wives is taken to a secluded spot in a
game of hostage. She is blindfolded and tied to a stake. The wife who
relates this story is pleasantly surprised when her husband returns and
starts to fondle her. Just prior to entry, the blindfolded woman realizes
that it's not her husband after all!
Ratings for "Stake Out"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
CELESTIAL VOCABULARY: A reader has offered the following insights to further
clarify the distinction between ASSUAGE and AMELIORATE. Similar discussions
are always welcome.
(1) Were you in a monogamous relationship and separated from your partner
by a great distance, you might resort to masturbation (unusual as that would
be for a reader of a.s.s) to ameliorate you enforced celibacy. You might
resort to masturbation to assuage your lust. It would neither ameliorate
your lust nor assuage your celibacy, however.
That is, changing an exterior situation can ameliorate _that
situation_ and can _assuage_ a need or desire.
(2) The dictionary will tell you that "ameliorate" means "make better."
That is it's derivation, certainly. But "ameliorate" is only used in cases
of making a bad situation less bad in my reading of authors I respect.
"Assuage" can apply to complete satisfaction. (Had my dictionary not
directly contradicted me, I would have said that "assuage" could _only_ apply
to complete satisfaction.)
If an adolescent male in the habit of daily masturbation were to break
both his arms, Mark Aster's Julie Allen might assuage his needs by making
ingenious and sensuous love to him. (Free plot for Mark. C'mon Mark we miss
you!) Most of us would not regard that as _amelioration_ of his situation,
however. Most of us would regard that as the anteroom to heaven.
END OF POST