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From: celeste801@aol.com (Celeste801)
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories
Subject: Celestial Reviews 147 - Jan 8
Date: 8 Jan 1997 18:51:38 GMT
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Celestial Reviews 146 - January 8, 1997

Note:  I don't want to offend anyone, but over on rec.humor there has been
a discussion that is pertinent to alt.sex.stories: What collective noun
applies to a group of prostitutes?  Here are some possible answers:

      A Flourish of Strumpets?
         a fanfare of strumpets (a fanny fair...)?
      A Frost of Whores?
      An Anthology of Pro's?
      A troupe of harlots?
      A heap of slags?
      A gaggle of guzzlers?
      A herd of whores?
      A slew of sluts?
      A pride of prostitutes?
      A pack of penis wranglers?
      A sound of sex offenders?
      A flock of fornicators?

Second Note:  Several people have asked me recently why I write these
reviews. Actually, the reason I do these reviews is because I feel a
"call" to do so.  Some people feel a call to be a religious or political
leader; I feel this call.  I think what I really mean by this is that I
started these reviews as a lark and found that people like yourselves
appreciated them, and so I kept on reading the stories and writing the
reviews.  

I guess there's also ego involvement; just like the people who write
stories for this newsgroup, it makes me feel good to know that I can
express myself in a way that evokes enjoyment among my readers. At the
present time, I think I have one of the largest regular audiences in
America; but nobody except my husband and myself knows about that - plus,
of course, all of you who read these reviews but don't know (or really
care) who I am.

I really do consider these reviews to be a significant contribution to the
world around me.  I think sex is enjoyable, beautiful, and even "of
ultimate philosophical value," as one of my professors said when I was in
college; and helping people enjoy life, find beauty, and pursue ultimate
philosophical value sounds like a really worthwhile way to spend my free
time.  Especially if I can also (1) rationalize reading a bunch of smutty
stories and (2) get myself aroused for those enjoyable, beautiful, and
philosophical encounters that I like to share with my husband.

Third Note:  Here's another tidbit from rec.humor that seems pertinent to
our newsgroup, where male organs customarily exceed 10 inches:

The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis. This is due to the
fact that 40% of the time it is hanging unemployed, 20% of the time it is
pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it is in the
hole.

On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.

Accordingly, starting January 1, 1995 your penis will be taxed according
to its size.

To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm
this information on page 2, section 7, line 3 of your standard 1040 form.

*12-10 inches -- Luxury Tax......$50.00
 10- 8 inches -- Pole Tax........$30.00
  8- 6 inches -- Privilege Tax...$15.00
  6- 4 inches -- Nuisance Tax....$ 6.00

*Males Exceeding 12 inches must file Capital Gains
 Please Note : Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
 You may not request an extension.

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Service

Final Note: I want to remind you of my Third Annual Celestial Writing
Contest.  The story can be of any length, but students (say, in an English
class) should reasonably be able (and eager) read it three times in one
week.  The purpose of the story is to combine learning with pleasure -
that is, to teach vocabulary in the context of a creative sex story.  The
story should use all of the words on the following list.  Preferably, it
should use them in creative ways that enable learners to see their meaning
in context, and it should use the words more than once - in fact, as often
as possible without becoming silly.  The story should not be obviously
didactic - that is, it should be a story about sex, not about learning
these words.

The deadline is January 15.  I have already received one excellent entry
and have the promise of another from a very good writer.  Please feel free
to take a shot at this.  Here are the words (all taken from one of those
SAT study lists): acerbic, adept, ameliorate, apocryphal, assuage, blithe,
constrict, credulous, dilatory, egregious, fatuous, guile, hedonism,
impervious, incipient, irascible, lethargy, mundane, prolific, redundant.

All 20 of these are words that intelligent people use when the context
calls for them (Quite possibly I may have used them here in Celestial
Reviews.), but most high school students have no idea what they mean. 
They are useful words; and if you write a story with them, at the very
least YOU will probably learn some functional vocabulary words.

- Celeste

      "Restless" by Lucky (car wash fantasy) 9, 8, 8
      "Wrapped Attention" by Uther Pendragon (young/old
            first time) 9, 8, 8
      "Please Remember to Wrap Your Whopper" by Nobody (no 
            rating - yet)
      "Computer Virus: Version 1.0" by Michael L. Zickefoose 
            (sci fi sex) 8.5, 8, 8
      "Piano" by Tom Bombadil (sex slavery training) 10, 9, 8
      "Redeye" by Tom Bombadil (semi-public sex) 10, 10, 10
      "Octopussy" by Dragonfly (bestiality - or fishiality!) 10, 9, 9

"Restless" by Lucky (anon@marvin.org).  This story was posted as "Best
Story of 96."  It is a decent story and perhaps this author's best of 96,
but it is not an outstanding story.  The basic idea of this story is
a.s.s. cliche 13a: "A 40-year-old woman will always experience sexual
delight in the arms of two or more drunken teenage boys."  Marsha is the
heroine of this story, and she has a phantom lover named Jamesey.  Some
friends of her teenage son stop by to visit him, but the son is not home;
and so Jamesey guides Marsha to sexual fulfillment in the arms of the
horny teenagers.  The story could have been hot, but it missed the mark
with me - probably because it was written by a guy who thinks differently
than most females.

Ratings for "Restless"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Wrapped Attention" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net).  This is a
story about the first sexual experience of a young college student.  It
occurs during Christmas vacation with a man nearly twice her age. The
author attempts to describe the activities as comprising a tender
scenario, but I think he slows things down so far that the events become
boring.  This author usually writes vibrant, upbeat stories; but this one
does not yet have those characteristics.  My assumption is that he will
return to the drawing board and inject into this story the energetic life
that it deserves.

Don't get me wrong.  I think it's beautiful in real life to make love
while conversing actively with one's partner and caring about his/her
reactions.  The stories in this author's "For..." series give that
impression.  I even believe that really boring lovemaking with a really
wonderful person can be better than really exciting but meaningless
stimulation with a shallow partner.  However, if I am going to read a
story like this, I want it to be interesting and lively as well as tender
and meaningful.

Ratings for "Wrapped Attention"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Please Remember to Wrap Your Whopper" by Nobody.  I checked this out,
hoping somebody would have written a really creative story with this
title, but it was merely an address for as web site.  The title's yours,
if you can think of a story to go with it.  I also tried "Blonde in Red
Straddles Him and Jerks Him!Hot!"  I shoulda known better.  This was just
a picture of a blond in red straddling a guy and jerking him off.  I
shoulda known better.

(No rating - yet)

"Computer Virus: Version 1.0" by Michael L. Zickefoose
(suicyco@bright.net). Danni and Mike met while they have been working
together on a project to design a realistic erotic Science Fiction virtual
reality game. Soon they are working together in the day and loving
together after work.  As fate would have it, lightning strikes the
computer room; and the power surge turns Danni into Mike's fantasy woman,
unbelievably beautiful, with no imperfections, existing only to love and
serve him.  What will Mike do to get out of this awful mess?  You'll have
to read the story to find out.

It's my understanding that this is the first story posted by this author. 
It's very good, but not perfect.  It could benefit from a careful
proofreading.  In addition, the author needs a slightly better balance
between relevant and irrelevant details.  Sometimes the narrative gets
bogged down with details that don't really matter, and the emotional
reactions of the characters could be a little better developed.  On the
other hand, the overall logic of the plot is pretty good.  All in all,
this is a good story; and I hope the author writes some more.  My advice
would be NOT to write a sequel, in the sense of expanding this same story.
 I would rather suggest modifying this one to make it slightly better and
then going on to new and different sexual adventures.

Ratings for "Computer Virus"
Athena (technical quality): 8.5
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Piano" by Tom Bombadil (stbush@iglou.com).  The woman who narrates this
story has signed up for a piano training course.  I don't want to ruin the
story for you; but after all, this author specifically says he's trying to
imitate Deirdre, and so I don't suppose you would expect the lady will
just learn how to play the piano or anything like that.  You're right. 
The program in which she has enrolled is actually the Piano System of Sex
Training.  What bothered me about this story is the complete improbability
of the setup.  Nobody who wants to train sex slaves would advertise her
services simply as " Personal Trainer - Confidentiality assured. Piano
system, 14 days, $$$$$."  Some of the set-up makes sense; but it is just
plain unlikely that anyone wanted to learn to play the piano would make
the mistake this woman made.  Other than that - and if you grant the
assumption that good things really do happen as a result of being trained
to be a sex slave - it's a pretty good story.  

Ratings for "Piano"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Redeye" by Tom Bombadil (stbush@iglou.com).  This author has decided that
since Deirdre has stopped writing stories, he'll try to take over for her.
 To accomplish this, he has decided to write very short stories in which
the narrator routinely discloses absolutely astonishing sexual behaviors
that will throw the reader for a loop.  However, "Redeye" is not a Deirdre
story, nor is it even Sherwood Anderson.  This story suggests that this
author is the reincarnation of Saki (H.H. Munro)!  Look that one up in
your Funk and Wagnalls!  Even though it will take you longer to find and
download this story than it will take to read it, it's a very good story.

Ratings for "Redeye"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Octopussy" by Dragonfly (polsons@sirius.com).  OK.  So here we have a
horny woman who goes for a swim in the buff in the ocean.  Naturally
enough, she entices an eel to slide into her pussy; but this relationship
is brief and unsatisfactory, since her orgasm almost immediately ejects
the lucky animal.  Well, next a small shark shows up - no danger to the
woman, but terrifying to the smaller fish, who promptly take refuge in the
woman's private tunnel, and the experience drives the woman to ecstasy. 
After foreplay with various other creatures of the sea, her cunt welcomes
a small octopus, a gelatinous creature with little or no bone structure
and whose ability to conform to almost any shape brings rapture to her
body.  I guess maybe this is why Jacques Cousteau liked the sea so much,
and maybe why my sister watches the Discovery channel so avidly.  Aside
from the extreme improbability of the events depicted here, this is a
well-written story.

Ratings for "Octopussy"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9