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From: celeste801@aol.com (Celeste801)
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories
Subject: Celestial Reviews 146 - Jan 4
Date: 5 Jan 1997 15:02:24 GMT
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Celestial Reviews 146 - January 4, 1997

Note:  Several readers have posted messages bewailing the low quality of
postings on alt.sex.stories.  Actually, the overall number of GOOD stories
has continued to go up; the problem is that the number of incredibly
stupid and inappropriate messages has increased even more rapidly.  The
garbage is actually pretty easy to spot.  I'm not going to tell you how I
do it, because if I did the morons who post it would probably think of
ways to circumvent me.  Let me just say that it would help if all the
people out there who are advertising their phone services would put their
phone numbers in the title line.  Many of them already do so.  I don't
think they belong on this newsgroup in the first place; but I can
understand why they post here (after all, it's possible that some of the
readers of this newsgroup are horny but lonely people looking for a quick
thrill at $3.00 per minute).

It is possible to find good a.s.s. stories without accessing the newsgroup
at all.  Simply go to DejaNews on the Web at www.dejanews.com and enter as
your search words "alt.sex.stories Celeste."  This will give you a list of
all my reviews - plus anything else recently posted on a.s.s. that
contains the word Celeste.  From that point you can select any of my
reviews and find any of the stories.  You can use a similar strategy to
find stories by specific authors (as long as the authors put their names
in their stories) and to search for specific titles.  The service is free.

Second Note:  Happy New Year!  I am a bit overwhelmed right now.  In
addition to the backlog of stories that resulted from my holiday break, I
have encountered a problem with my database.  I would really like to hear
from anyone who knows how to recover a Microsoft Works Database file after
I receive the message that says, "There is no translator available to
import the file...." (The file was developed with the Microsoft Works
Database, worked fine previously, and is now simply inaccessible to me.)

Final Note:  A cunning linguist sent me these labels for the three major
stages in a marriage:

      1.  Tri-Weekly
      2.  Try Weekly
      3.  Try Weakly

- Celeste

      "Dying For a Cigarette" by G. M. Sullivan  (detective
            story sex) 9.5, 8, 8
      "Caesar" by Unknown Author  (bestiality) 9, 7, 7
      "Behind the Bar" by Unknown Author (hedonistic orgies)
            9.5, 10, 10
      "Unholy Lust" by Unknown Author (hedonistic orgies) 8, 6, 5
      "Airscrew: Or How I Joined the Six Mile High Club" by Pete Fox
            (sex on airplane) 10, 10, 10
      "Fantasy" by D.B. (sexual fantasy).  9, 8, 8
      "Re: Proof reading sex stories" by M.M. Twassel (sexy story
            about not having sex) 10, 10, 10

"Dying For a Cigarette" by G. M. Sullivan (sullivangm@aol.com). "There are
eight million smoking stories in the Big City, every one unique," the
author tells us.  "This is only one of them.  I know.  I carry a pack." An
anti-smoking fanatic has decided that the best way to stop the Evil Habit
would be to assassinate attractive women while they are In the Act - in
the act of smoking, that is - not whatever you were thinking.  The plot
almost works; but a fast-thinking and chain-smoking cop teams up with a
novice-smoking emerging beauty to frustrate this despicable attempt at
anarchy.

The story is well written, but it has almost no sex in it.  The high point
of the story comes when the cop and the woman kiss and they blow smoke
into each other's mouths.  As Brooke Shields once said, "Yuch!"  I
understand this exchange of heated carcinogens is a big thrill to some
smokers, and so this story may have greater appeal to that restricted
audience.

As a non-smoker who really hates to be around the foul smell of cigarette
smoke, I was a bit put off by the insistence that smoking is glamorous. 
On the other hand, it IS accurate to state that most young woman who begin
to smoke believe that inhaling smoke and blowing circles makes them look
sophisticated and sexy; and so the story does give a realistic portrayal
of persons adhering to that perception.

Overall, however, the story came up short.  As a sex story, it lacked sex;
and as a detective story, it lacked a good plot: the good guys overcame
the bad guy through sheer luck.

Ratings for "Dying For a Cigarette"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Caesar" by Unknown Author.  This is one of the rather lengthy postings by
TheEditor.  As I'll discuss below, this person apparently has scanned into
a computer a number of full-length books and has posted these on this
newsgroup.  This story is built around the sexual mystique of a large
german shepherd who has super-human qualities that have enabled him to
live for at least 2000 years.  Needless to say, Caesar shows no
inclination to restrict his sexual interests to other dogs.  The basic
plot is that the men-folk are out trying to kill the wild dogs, while
Caesar is either raping or making love to the woman-folk.

In many respects this is an extremely well-written story; but the plot
just stops with the words "The End."  It is my theory that the person who
posted this story scanned it from a published paperback and then simply
ended it when he felt the story was getting too long.  I cannot imagine
that an author could write specific episodes so well and develop a plot so
skillfully and yet lack the insight to know that the entire story makes no
more sense than a segment of a typical soap opera yanked out of context. 
There are simply too many ideas that were started but not brought to
fruition and too many unanswered questions at the end of this story.  I
appreciate the fact that TheEditor put "The End" after the final line of
this story - otherwise I would have assumed that I should have gone back
to DejaNews and look for the rest of the story, when in fact this is all
there is.

This is a difficult story to rate.  I normally don't enjoy bestiality
stories, but this one caught my interest; and that's the mark of a good
story.  But after it caught my interest, the story just stopped, which is
the mark of a really bad story. Go figure!

Ratings for "Caesar"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7

"Behind the Bar" by Unknown Author. This is another one of the rather
lengthy postings by TheEditor.  As I'll discuss below, this person
apparently has scanned into a computer a number of full-length books and
has posted these on this newsgroup.  This story focuses on a common a.s.s.
theme: if a husband and wife are having a little trouble in their
relationship, one of them should run around on the other, and this will
cause them to become closer in their matrimonial bliss.  In this case,
Brandy has become insatiably hungry for sex because her husband has been
out of town for a few days while he is studying for the bar.  {Actually,
he's learning how to RUN a bar; but I thought it would be clever to make
it sound like he was studying law.}  After Dave the Bartender fucks
Brandy, he suggests a way that they can expand the bar's clientele while
simultaneously allaying Brandy's horniness.  This strategy is immensely
successful, and when the harried husband returns home unexpectedly and
finds Brandy in flagrante delicto, he smiles happily and eagerly offers to
supply a similar service to gladden the hearts of the female customers.

As I reread the preceding description, the story sounds a bit far-fetched.
 I mean, Dave and Brandy come across as counselors or social service
agents who selflessly solve the problems of their sexually dysfunctional
or otherwise needy customers.  In real life it would be at least slightly
unlikely that Brandy's activity would solidify her relationship with her
husband, that Dave would suggest his plan to Brandy when he could instead
get a lot of really good sex himself, or that the patrons of the bar would
simply cheer for the lucky winners when Dave obviously cheated in his
distribution of Brandy's favors.  However, this really is a good fantasy,
and the sexual action is really hot.

Ratings for "Behind the Bar"
Athena (technical quality): 9.5
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Unholy Lust" by Unknown Author. This is another one of the rather lengthy
postings by TheEditor.  Julie is an artist who wants her art displayed in
a prominent gallery.  She discovers that the only way to accomplish her
goal is to have sex with the owner.  But then she finds some younger guys
with bigger cocks and has great sex with them too.  Then she comes home
and catches her husband involved in an orgy.   At first she's upset, but
after the husband and almost everyone present gang rape her, Julie feels
no anger in her heart, because she realizes that she has been so involved
in her own artistic career that she has sadly neglected her husband.  She
doesn't blame him at all for the orgy, and she is happy she has learned a
truly meaningful lesson. {Barf!!}

I'm sorry; but this really is a stupid plot.  If you believe that sex is
good only when women are good sexual toys, then you might like this story.
 Otherwise, it's silly.  The sex occasionally borders on being hot, but
it's not nearly as good as that in the other two stories posted by
TheEditor which I have reviewed here.

Let me add a final comment about these stories.  One of my correspondents
has carefully documented that these are stories that have been previously
published in paperback format.  Someone (possibly TheEditor) has scanned
them into a computer for distribution to this newsgroup.  This is
obviously a violation of the copyright of the original author(s).  Many
readers will respond by saying, "So what?  Who cares where it comes from,
as long as it's a good story?"  The point is that this IS a violation of
copyright law, even if it is not being enforced in this case.  It is my
understanding that readers are not violating the law by downloading these
stories, but people who repost these stories or store them in archives
where they can be accessed by others might be subject to prosecution, if
the owner of the copyright would choose to pursue the issue.

My personal dilemma is what to do with the stories.  They're actually
pretty good stories, and my readers have a right to know that.  My
decision has been to go ahead and review them and simply add the preceding
paragraph as a caution to my readers.  In addition, it is worth noting
that the stories have imperfections that have been added by the scanning
and dissemination processes.  For example, the stories contain numerous
typographical errors of the type that often occur when smudged text is
scanned (e.g., "win" for "will").  In addition, in some cases (e.g.,
"Caesar," cited above), TheEditor or someone else seems to have
arbitrarily truncated or otherwise altered the stories.  Under these
circumstances it is difficult to determine the quality of the original
story.  My decision has been to evaluate the stories as they actually
appear on a.s.s.

My own experience with erotic literature is limited to what I have read
and learned in the past year and a half.  If anyone recognizes any of
these stories, I would like to know the original titles and authors.  I am
particularly interested in knowing more about "Caesar," since I am
convinced that it is a good story, and I would like to find the whole
thing.

Ratings for "Unholy Lust"
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 6
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5

"Airscrew: Or How I Joined the Six Mile High Club" by Pete Fox.  Let me
assure you from personal experience that it is indeed possible and
extremely sexy - albeit a bit risky - to accomplish on a largely empty
airliner almost exactly what the narrator of this story claims to have
accomplished.  My recommendation, however, is that you try it with someone
you know and trust, since not all female 25-year-old Swedish sales
representatives are likely to be as frisky with strangers or as adept at
their role in clandestine activities as the young lady in this story.  I
concur with the author of this story that things go much better under
blankets than within the absurd confines of the 747's toilet facilities.

Ratings for "Airscrew"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Fantasy" by D.B.  Librarians may be the only people whom kids classify as
lower on the sex-chain than English teachers.  In this story from the THC
Archives a stereotypical librarian receives a visitor in the middle of the
night who gives her the quintessential fuck of her life.  It's a good but
not great story - especially if you're into librarians.

Ratings for "Fantasy"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Re: Proof reading sex stories" by M.M. Twassel (Mmtwassel@aol.com). I
recently received an e-mail message that stated: "Having been a fan of
Deirdre for quite some time, I was pleased to recently discover some
Celestial Reviews of her stories.  Anyone who has read these reviews
should know that Celeste has a theory about Deirdre, namely that she is
the reincarnation of Sherwood Anderson.  Not having ever read anything by
Anderson, I wasn't sure what the reference was about (alas, I only majored
in British literature!), but working in a library has it's advantages.  I
looked up Anderson in a series on American writers, and found this very
interesting commentary in 'American Writers: A Collection of Literary
Biographies' that fits Deirdre's stories perfectly. Celeste, you're a
genius!"

Here's the Anderson excerpt: "The uncertain, groping narrator of an
Anderson story employs an art of suggestion to articulate his search for
pattern and meaning in human existence.  His experiences are fragmentary,
incoherent, inexplicable.  The chronological sequence of time may be
interrupted and reversed by memories, inadvertent thoughts, gusts of
emotion, and frustrated attempts at comprehension. Objects and people are
haphazardly perceived.... Absurdly helpless, the narrator may succumb to
impotence, give vent to explosive stirrings in his subconscious, flee the
envelope of his body in mystical anguish or ecstacy, obsessedly focus upon
trivialities such as a bent finger... Since the story is an articulation
of the narrator's experience, its movement is repetitive and circular: it
is not rounded off with a meaningful conclusion, for that would violate
the narrator's integrity, his stance of wonder and search."

My correspondent subsequently posted his message to a.s.s., where it
evoked the following response from a critic named Dabasir: "What a crock
of shit!  Deirdre's stories are simply something to get off with.  In
closeing I would just like to say that your classic interpretation of
Sherwood Anderson can be summed up simply.  He rambles on stupidly much
like Adolf Hitler does in  "Mein Kampf".   Thanks for listening and have a
GREAT day!  =)   
 
Before I relate this correspondence to the present story, let me first
retract anything that may have been construed as pejorative or derogatory
toward librarians in the preceding review (of D.B.'s "Fantasy").  I
certainly disagree with the classification of librarians as the only
people lower on the sex-chain than English teachers - even though my
correspondent referred to me as a mere "genius" rather than by my more
rightful title of "sex goddess." 

Mr. Dabasir may be right that Sherwood rambles on stupidly much like Adolf
Hitler does in  "Mein Kampf."  {I wouldn't touch with a twelve-inch cock
what that venerable social critic Marge Schott recently said about Mr.
Hitler in the esteemed literary journal Sports Illustrated.}  My suspicion
is that Dabasir (a) was subjected to a really bad teacher who mandated
Sherwood Anderson as a routine class assignment and (b) prefers cryptic
stories about sex slavery, mind control, and anal sex to those about eggs,
unlighted lamps, and death in the woods.  I can't say that I blame him. 
Prior to my exposure to this newsgroup, I myself had never had an orgasm
while reading Anderson; and even in the past year and a half the sexual
pleasantries I have experienced while reading Winesburg have resulted more
from the classical conditioning of my husband than from the content of the
stories.  {I also think it is distinctly possible that Dabasir - whom I
thank for writing and to whom I wish a great day!  =)  has confused
Sherwood Anderson with Henry James, who was indeed a horse's ass.}

What I object to is Dabasir's statement that "Deirdre's stories are simply
something to get off with."  No, it's not the preposition at the end of
the sentence, which is something I can put up with.  There are numerous
postings on alt.sex.stories that are "simply something to get off with";
and indeed it may be possible - and even probable, desirable, and
enjoyable - to get off with Deirdre's stories.  But the fact is that
Deirdre writes extremely well.  I would summarize her work by saying that
she artistically expresses ideas and feelings which shyness and
conventionality keep most people from acknowledging publicly or perhaps
even to themselves.  I took the last 19 words of the preceding sentence
from a critique of Anderson by a professor from Columbia University; so
the similarity is probably real.

I don't want to shock anyone, but I don't really believe that Deirdre is
Sherwood Anderson reincarnated.  I think she's a damned good writer whose
style reminds me of Anderson's.  The difference between Deirdre and the
typical wannafucks and mindless "true" stories on a.s.s. is that she
writes well.  Her style makes her stories erotic in a mysterious sort of
manner.  Her style also makes it more likely that a simple shepherd
yearning for his true love or a college kid prepping for a hot date will
be able to experience the emotions and feelings intended by the author. 
Bad authors take a hot idea and fuck it up so badly that people who
"weren't there" think they have wasted their time by reading the story. 
Deirdre, on the other hand, takes some really improbable ideas that she
herself has never even experienced and expresses them in such a way that
readers buy into her stories and vicariously experience the feelings and
emotions themselves.  That's what good writers are supposed to do.  In my
opinion some other writers do this even better than Deirdre, and they use
techniques that don't remotely resemble Deirdre's or Anderson's.  But the
way they write certainly makes a huge difference.

Or as Nathaniel Hawthorne once put it, "Easy reading is damned hard
writing."

The present author also writes extremely well.  This is one of the best
stories I have read this year - but then, this year is only four days old.
 In fact, this is one of the best stories I have read in a very long time.
 It's written in the format of a letter to me (Celeste), seeking advice
regarding sex stories.  The purported correspondent is a naive college
student whose sexual experience has consisted of inept masturbation and
reading stories posted on this newsgroup.  He has met and befriended a
beautiful classmate in his philosophy class; and in a misguided attempt to
impress her, he has told her that he writes sex stories for the Internet. 
The ostensible purpose of the letter to Celeste is to seek advice
regarding his dilemma (he really cannot write sex stories), but the actual
result is a highly erotic and sometimes hilariously sexy story.

The "letter" addresses several questions to Celeste, most of which I won't
attempt to answer here.  At this point I'll simply state that "pre-cum"
usually does contain a hyphen.  In addition, I might add that
"proofreading" is usually one word.  As for how the narrator should have
escaped from his dilemma - I'll leave that up to the imagination of the
reader - or perhaps to a second Letter to Celeste.

By putting this review in the context of a discussion of Deirdre, I have
managed to give the story the emphasis and dignity bestowed by a lengthy
critique.  I hope you read and enjoy this delightful story, which
resembles neither Sherwood Anderson nor Adolf Hitler.  On the other hand,
J.D. Sallinger might have altered his style just a little.... 

Ratings for Re: Proof reading sex stories"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10