Path: newsfeed.direct.ca!portc01.blue.aol.com!audrey01.news.aol.com!not-for-mail From: celeste801@aol.com (Celeste801) Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories Subject: Celestial Reviews 142 - Dec 11 Date: 12 Dec 1996 13:34:44 GMT Organization: AOL http://www.aol.com Lines: 446 Message-ID: <19961212133400.IAA01364@ladder01.news.aol.com> NNTP-Posting-Host: ladder01.news.aol.com X-Admin: news@aol.com Xref: newsfeed.direct.ca alt.sex.stories:129123 Status: N Celestial Reviews 142 - Dec 11, 1996 Note: For the past year I have been hoping to find time to write a sexy story that could teach vocabulary to horny young people who normally resist traditional vocabulary instruction. Really bad teachers tell students that they can do better on the SAT by memorizing the definitions of a bunch of words. This approach rarely works. My plan has been to take a subset of those words and put them into a really good story. Then the students would be instructed to read the story at least three times before the test. I m willing to bet that learners reading my story would score better on a test administered, say, a month after the original test than would students who were simply told to learn the list of words to prepare for a test. Since I spend so much time reading and reviewing these stories, however, it is obvious to me that I ll never write my story. So I am proposing the Third Annual Celestial Writing Contest. The story can be of any length, but students should reasonably be able to (and eager to) read it three times in one week. It should use all of the words on the following list. Preferably, it should use them in creative ways that enable learners to see their meaning in context, and it should use the words more than once - in fact, as often as possible without becoming silly. The story should not be obviously didactic - that is, it should be a story about sex, not about learning these words. If this idea catches on, I ll be happy to supply to the authors or to others a vocabulary test based on these words. When I announce the winners and the authors post the stories, I ll post the vocabulary test. Readers can use the test before and after they read the story to see if they actually learn the words. Since the Christmas holidays are coming up, I ll give you a generous deadline - January 15. However, as I tell my students, don t put this assignment off until the last minute. Your best bet is to start now and then come back to it many times in the coming weeks. It IS fair to communicate with others and even to take advantage of my proofreading service. If you send me your story early enough, I ll even give you feedback myself. Here are the words (all taken from one of those SAT study lists): acerbic, adept, ameliorate, apocryphal, assuage, blithe, constrict, credulous, dilatory, egregious, fatuous, guile, hedonism, impervious, incipient, irascible, lethargy, mundane, prolific, redundant. It s OK to use alternate forms of these words - for example, blithely instead of blithe or incredulous for credulous. All 20 of these are words that intelligent people use when the context calls for them (Quite possibly I may have used them here in Celestial Reviews.), but most high school students have no idea what they mean. They are useful words; and if you write a story with them, at the very least YOU will probably learn some functional vocabulary words. Have fun! And thanks to Mark Aster for accidentally giving me the stimulus to suggest this contest. Second Note: I am compiling my Top 100 List for 1996. It should not surprise you to know that First Love will probably be on that list. It is still not clear to me who the author is of that story. I would appreciate it if someone would tell me who wrote that story, so that I do not have to list it as Unknown Author. - Celeste One of Those Days? by Dulcinea (quickie in elevator) 10, 10, 10 Lady Lust by Unknown Author (ff quickie) 8, 5, 7 Dick Van Dyke Show by Shelby Bush (sitcom parody) 10, 10, 10 * Mary Tyler Moore by Uncle Mike (sitcom parody) 10, 9. 9 The Pennington Case by Jefferson James (blackmail) 10, 10, 9 Eager Beaver by Unknown Author (voyeurism & sex with teacher) 7, 7, 7 Elki by Unknown Author (illiterate confusion) 3, 1, 1 Dream #1 by Caesar (wartime sex) 5, 5, 4 Amusement Park Growth by Jackie (sexual dream) 7, 5, 4 Hot for Teacher by John M. Andrews (sex with teacher) 5, 4, 4 Memories of Summer by Dulcinea (outdoor sex) 10, 10, 10 One of Those Days? by Dulcinea (Dulcinea97@aol.com). It s one of those days. The elevator is packed with wall to wall people; it s going to be uncomfortable. But then the sexy lady he just noticed in the restaurant is being forced back against Adam; and - wouldn t you know it - his cock decides not to remain quiescent. It s one of those days. Noticing his tumescence, Tami suggests that they introduce themselves. Madam I m Adam, he replies; and she responds Able was I ere I saw Elba. That s not exactly what they said, but I ve always wanted to write two palindromes in a single sentence. Well, anyway, if everyone adapted this well to overcrowding, we d be a lot less concerned about the population explosion. It s a sexy story. Ratings for One of Those Days? Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 Lady Lust by Unknown Author. This story was listed as Ebony Confessions Vol. 5, a repost of the THC archive service. Rachel s apartment is being painted, and so she spends the night with Cathy, who up till now has never seen a black woman naked nor eaten pussy. After this encounter Cathy has done both. This is a short story with a snippet of hot sex but little plot. Ratings for Lady Lust Athena (technical quality): 8 Venus (plot & character): 5 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7 Dick Van Dyke Show by Shelby Bush (stbush@iglou.com). This author recently posted segment one of two of Bewitched, the two segments forming part three of a three-part crossover story, the first two parts being "The Munsters" and "The Addams Family", respectively. Since I prefer to review stories when they re finished (especially when the posting is the penultimate segment of a three-part crossover story), I decided to set this story/segment aside and reward the author by reviewing his previously written Dick Van Dyke Show, which has recently been reposted on alt.sex.stories. A correspondent has recently taken me to task for confusing a parody with a pastiche. The difference is that a parody is meant to satirize the original work, whereas a pastiche deals more seriously with working out the implications of changing the basic assumptions of the original (as by letting Rob and Laura have sex, which could never have happened on the original show). The distinction becomes nebulous when both the original and new work are humorous. I think the author considers the Porno TV series to be examples of pastiche; but since I usually laugh so hard when I read his stories and since people are more familiar with the term parody, I am going to continue to refer to these stories as parodies. Imagine that! The present story employs the episodic structure of the original show. When critics talk about the evolution of sex on television, they often cite the fact that Rob and Laura always slept fully clothed in separate beds. In the first sequence Rob and Laura break that stereotype. The only similarity with the original show is that after they both come, Laura (Mary Tyler Moore) sighs, Oh, Rob! The main plot consists of Rob, Buddy, and Sally developing a script for the Alan Brady Show on which Gina Broccilucci will be the guest star. While working on the script, they hang out the Do Not Disturb sign and take a horny break. Then, as research for the show, Rob takes Laura to see one of Ms. Broccilucci s movies, The Bondage of Brenda ; and Laura naively thinks that maybe it s going to rain because so many of the men in the theater are wearing rain coats. And so it goes. We discover Mel s monster cock. Laura and Millie exchange intimate pleasantries. Rob consults with Gina Broccilucci about the script. We even have a surprise ending that suggests why the Broccilucci script was never aired. The plot is actually not all that sexy, but I thoroughly enjoyed imagining the TV characters performing the acts described in this little pastiche. Ratings for Dick Van Dyke Show Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 * Mary Tyler Moore by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Since we just reviewed Dick Van Dyke, we might as well take a look at Uncle Mike s parody of Mary Tyler Moore. Mary needs some time off, and Mr. Grant is unwilling to give it to her. Finally, she whines in her inimitable way that she ll do anything for it. Mr. Grant s eyes light up in response to an evil thought: You ll do anything, Mary? ANYthing? So Lou finally gets the blow job he s always wanted from Mary; and Mary figures it s over. But then Ted walks into the office; and to keep him quiet Lou lets him fuck Mary; and to placate Mary for this humiliation, Lou gives her a second week off. But then Murray walks into the office, and we have another emboikment and another week s vacation. And then Gordie the weather man walks into the office... This is a pretty good parody. Mary, Lou, and Ted are done best; it s easy to imagine these TV characters doing what they do in this story. Ratings for Mary Tyler Moore Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 9 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9 The Pennington Case by Jefferson James (Tymm@cris.com). Alicia has been unfaithful to her husband. Suspecting this, the husband has hired a private detective; but Norman the detective has offered to give Alicia a clean slate, provided she pays him mucho money and has raucous sex with him. Norman is a repulsive asshole; he enjoys humiliating his victims. He doesn t use a condom, and he spits on her pussy for lubrication. The story even has a bit of a surprise ending. This is a well-written blackmail story. I find it discomfiting to think that many men who read this story will think that this is the right way to treat a woman; but numerous authors have already countered with stories that stick it to men equally cruelly. As one of our nation s great moral leaders said recently, Why can t we all just get along together? By the way, if Alicia watches any police stories at all, she should know that paying off a blackmailer never works. The best advice for Alicia would have been to dick the dick before the dick dicked her. Metaphorically, of course. Ratings for The Pennington Case Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9 Eager Beaver by Unknown Author. Professor Mac teaches human sexuality at a college. Today is exam day, and he is looking forward to gazing up the skirts of the young ladies while they take their tests. One especially demurely dressed young lady has the unusual name of E. Beaver. The other students refer to her as Eager Beaver, presumably because of her industrious work habits. Although Professor Mac is a perverted voyeur, he can think of no other connotation that one might connect with the Beaver nickname! As she assumes the position and he begins his inspection, Professor Mac has trouble determining the color of Ms. Beaver s panties. Since he has a pretty good observation post, he concludes that they must be tan or beige and hence flesh- colored. He knows this because her hair color (discernible on top of her head) is dark enough that he should be able to see vaginal hair if she weren t wearing any panties. Like I said, for a pervert this guy s vibrator doesn t go to the top speed. Ms. Beaver proceeds to play with herself while she takes the test. The naked truth, however, is that this is a ruse to distract Professor Mac, while she copies answers from the student next to her. Leave it to Beaver to think of something like that! Well, Mac gets distracted, and consequently he notices that The Beave is copying the answers. Cheating (on tests, that is - not on his wife, of course) is something he cannot condone; and so he asks Ms. Beaver to stay after the exam for a conference. She looks pensive and explains that she wasn t really cheating. She just loves to read what other people write about sex! {Then she stopped looking pensive. At that moment, Professor Mac realized that she could be ex-pensive. } As a matter of fact, she has read so many other people s tests that she is now quite turned on and feels compelled to go someplace and jack off, since she happens to have a free period. You might think that Mac s nickname was Big, but it wasn t; he was more of a grower than a hanger. Beaver wears neither bra nor underpants; Mac wears underpants but no bra. Eager grasps his raging cock in her left hand. There s something sinister or gauche about that, but that pun would be of interest to neither Mac nor Eager. He has a nice circumcision, but he can scarcely claim credit for that. Mac comes first, but he is still getting a little behind. Now there s a riddle for you! This may sound like a silly story, but I found it to be quaint. It s nice to see human sexuality professors instead of English teachers treated as naive perverts who exploit their students. Ratings for Eager Beaver Athena (technical quality): 7 Venus (plot & character): 7 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7 Elki by Unknown Author. As a general rule, first person narratives in which the woman states her measurements within the first few sentences tend to be pretty lame. Elki (35-23-33) is a rather plain girl with buck teeth; so she puts out a little to compensate. Jack Spade is her boyfriend. He takes her places and buys her things, so that Elki will undress for him and his friends. But Elki has principles. She refuses to let Jack fuck her. However, she acquiesces when Jack lets her masturbate him to releave his tensions, and he insists that she suck his cock and swallow his cum (and do the same for maybe eight or nine of his friends each night). The Elkster doesn't mind, because she loves him with all of her being. But then something goes awry in this idyllic relationship. Jack decides to fuck her after all, against her will, of course; and he lets his friends do the same. Actually, it gets pretty disgusting and unpoetic - urination and all that kind of stuff. And disjointed. The plot that is - it s disjointed. There s a blackmail motif, a revenge motif, incoherent shifts from first to third to second person perspective, constant shifts of verb tense - but lots of brutal and mindless sex. This story has potential. If the grammar were cleaned up, if about two thirds of it were thrown out and replaced by new material, and if the entire plot were restructured to make sense, this might be a good story. Ratings for Elki Athena (technical quality): 3 Venus (plot & character): 1 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 1 Dream #1 by Caesar. Since this is entitled Dream #1, I ll assume the man is dreaming about his wartime exploits. In the apparent dream, he is a soldier who enters a building during house-to-house fighting and makes love to a terrified young woman before he goes out and shoots the enemy soldiers. He is wounded and never sees the woman again. I have read other stories by this author, and those stories were pretty good. This one is largely incoherent. I suspect that English is not this author s native language, and in the five years since he wrote this story he has simply gotten a lot better at English expression. The grammar and sentence structure of this story are so bad that they interfere seriously with the plot. This early attempt is nowhere near as good as this author s more recent stories; and I have noticed that he has begun to post edited revisions of his stories. Ratings for Dream #1 Athena (technical quality): 5 Venus (plot & character): 5 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4 Amusement Park Growth by Jackie (an338903@cris.com). Dream stories are very difficult to write. I can t tell you how often I have had dreams that I thought were really great, but which turned out to be just plain silly the morning after. Recently I awoke from a dream that was so good that I jotted a note to myself on the pad by the telephone to remind me to use the dream as a basis for the Great American Novel that I would begin in the morning. When I saw the note the next morning, I quickly recalled the dream and reflected upon it. It was such a stupid dream that I couldn t believe I had found it so fascinating the night before! I m sure Freudians have a different insight, but I think dreams are often fascinating because they hold the complete attention and imagination of the dreamer. Movies often have really great dream sequences, because their multisensory capability makes it possible to grip the attention and imagination of the viewers. But I often hate it when people try to tell me their dreams. Their stories are usually boring, largely because they seem incapable of realizing that I don t share their perspective. Which brings me to this story. I think I see where the author is trying to go. It really would be surrealistic to see a severely pregnant 16-year-old girl being subjected to the forces of a tilt-a-whirl in an amusement park and experiencing incredible sensations in her body. I think the reason this story missed its mark with me was because the author spent too much time on detailed descriptions that were fascinating to him but just didn t catch my interest. Sure, I said to myself, this might be interesting, but what s the big deal? Someone else might react differently. My advice to the author would be to try to figure out what Deirdre does so well and to imitate her strategies. Or take a look at Backrub s Wet Dreams, which is not specifically a dream story, but certainly conveys a dreamlike atmosphere. I have seen stories on a.s.s. that are labeled growth or something like that, and some readers apparently find this sort of thing sexy. If the author is writing for that narrow audience, then this may already be a good cult story. If the author wants to attract a wider audience to this sort of story, then the technique needs refinement. Ratings for Amusement Park Growth Athena (technical quality): 7 Venus (plot & character): 5 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4 Hot for Teacher by John M. Andrews (jma1492@aol.com). Surely there is a special spot in heaven near the right hand of God for substitute teachers, who suffer more in this life than anyone other than substitute bus drivers and maybe some of the rape victims in Wiley s stories. Alas, the young lady in this story starts with three strikes against her: she is a substitute ART teacher. For her first assignment she tells the class to draw a picture of the world as they see it, and our narrator turns in his View of the World. Let your mind dwell on that for a while: the View of the World by a hormonally imbalanced teenager who wants nothing more than a ride up the teacher s love canal. There s potential here, but not much comes of it. The most interesting parts of the story were the verbal anomalies: The principle walked into the room; the guy whispered under his breathe , the guy next to him herd him; and they starred at the beautiful teacher. Even worse, the story doesn t have a real ending. The kid who wrote this story simply stopped when he shot his wad or when his mother knocked on the door and asked what he was doing. Ratings for Hot for Teacher Athena (technical quality): 5 Venus (plot & character): 4 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4 Memories of Summer by Dulcinea (Dulcinea97@aol.com). The couple share memories of the past summer while they look at the photographs that she just picked up. The favorite memory focuses on a refreshing encounter in a very cold lake. This is a brief, well-written, sexy, romantic story. It s interesting that extremely cold water has a positive effect on a woman s nipples and a negative effect on a man s penis. You math teachers out there ought to think about this as an example of an inverse relationship. When she learned from my FAQ that I have athletic proclivities, a reader sent me this comparison of running and sex. The first line after each heading describes running, and the second line describes sex. I thought this was somehow pertinent to the present review, since the story features athletic activity of sorts. Useful Fabric Coolmax Latex Best place to do it Outdoors Outdoors Reasons to do it alone High-Quality reflection time Don't have to buy someone dinner Length of typical session 30 to 60 minutes 30 to 60 seconds Mystical connection If done right, see God If done right, say "God" Teenager's view When can I stop? When can I start? How to get better Read about others Watch others Longtimer's frequency Daily Monthly Goal Go faster Go longer Good shoes Essential Optional Solution for tight leg Take day off Take clothes off Body fat Too much gets in the way Too much gets in the way Questionable source of advice Jim Fixx Dr. Ruth Stretch Frequently Marks Crosstraining Equipment NordicTrack Nordic Blonde Ultimate goal Peak at the right time Peak at the right time What to do between sessions Have sex Run Ratings for Memories of Summer Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10