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From: celeste801@aol.com (Celeste801)
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories
Subject: Celestial Reviews 128 - Oct 23
Date: 23 Oct 1996 12:17:51 -0400
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Celestial Reviews 128 - Oct 23, 1996 (1/2)

Note:  I am planning a special issue of stories related to Halloween for
October 30.  If you have titles to suggest, send them to me.  Obviously I
cannot read a huge number of long stories; but I can repost old reviews
and add a few new ones.  Do NOT bother sending me the whole stories.  If I
don't have a story or cannot find it, I may ask for your further help in
locating it.

- Celeste

      "Girl Meets Girl Meets Boy" by Mary Anne Mohanraj
            (complex romance)10, 10, 10
      "Close Call" by Unknown Author (ff sex & threesome)
            10, 10, 10
      "Married...With Children: The Return of the Little Green
            Men" by King Pach (sitcom parody) 7, 10, 10
      "White Cat" by M. M. Twassel (cat story) 10, 9, 9
      "Bad Touching" by Dafney Dewitt (sensuous touching) 
            10, 10, 10
      "Miss Parnell's Office" by Swoon Racers (mind control) 
            10, 8, 7
      "Pamela" by d (romance) 10, 10, 10
      "Bertram I" by I'm not sure (sexual humor) 10, 10, 10
      "Computer Fun" by Dulcinea (on-line sex) 10, 10, 10
    * "After" by Deirdre (spanking) 8
    * "Afternoon" by Deirdre. (ff sex & voyeurism) 10
    * "Airport" by Deirdre (massage, anal sex, voyeurism) 10
    * "Cocktail Table" by Sue (orgy) 10, 10, 
    * "Lab Partners" by WithSue (very hot, gentle threesome) 10
    * "AdventureLand" by Sue.(Amusement park sex) 9, 8, 10
   * "Arresting Officer" by Ann Douglas (ff police sex) 
            10, 10, 10

* = Repost of a previous review (because the story has recently
      been reposted)

"Girl Meets Girl Meets Boy" by Mary Anne Mohanraj
(moh2@midway.uchicago.edu). This is the same old story.  You've heard it a
thousand times.  They meet.  They fall in love.  They fall apart.  They
come together.  They live happily ever after.  The end.  Only with a twist
this time.

The two girls meet first and have a happy life together.  Then they take
in the boy.  It's non-sexual at first; but then one of the girls falls in
love with him, and on the very night that he falls in love with the other
girl, the first girl gets raped and nearly dies.  How can anyone make
sense out of this arrangement? They meet.  They fall in love.  They fall
apart.  They come together.  They live happily ever after.  The end.

As so often happens with this author, the sex lies far away in the
background, but at the same time it is the most important part of the
story.

Ratings for "Girl Meets Girl Meets Boy"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Close Call" by Unknown Author. The tone of this story is just about the
opposite of the previous story.  The author simply bombards the reader
with hot sexual activity.  We start with two young college girls spending
the night together talking about their boyfriends.  Then they start to
experiment with each other.  They get so wrapped up in each other that
they don't notice the older brother when he comes in and catches them
together.  No problem, they invite him to join in.  A good time is had by
all.  The title refers to the fact that they are almost caught by the one
girl's parents - which would have been a problem, because the plot would
have become somewhat unwieldy if they had to ask them to join in as well.

This is really hot stuff!

Ratings for "Close Call"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Married...With Children: The Return of the Little Green Men" by King Pach
(parapuke@holli.com). This story is based on the famous episode of Married
with Children in which the little green aliens came for Al Bundy's socks
to power their spacecraft. But this time they are not cumming for socks! 
The story begins with Buck the Dog fucking Kelly, the loose-living,
unintelligent, female progeny of Al and Peg Bundy.  Immediately after the
dog is finished, Bud the Boy Wonder enters Kelly's bedroom and is enticed
by the charms she displays even in her drunken stupor.  He begins to jerk
off, then realizes that it would be better to rub her tits with his cock,
then realizes that his spunk will be all over her body, then inserts his
cock into her sleeping mouth to avoid spillage, then squirts a load which
she swallows out of instinct.  Then he does it again.  

But where are the eponymous little green men?  They show up later.  It
doesn't have to be a continuous plot. After all, this is a parody of one
of the most inane but successful shows ever produced.  It seems that this
time the aliens have come to ask Al for his semen so that they can clone
him: they want to produce legions of Al Bundies to furnish socks to power
the universe.  However, after a lifetime as a shoe salesman married to
Peg, Al's pecker is not up to the task - until Kelly comes into the room. 
What the hell?  How can we let a little incest stand in the way of the
good of greenmankind?  Al fucks her four times in various orifices. 
You'll have to figure that out or read the story.  Then Al falls asleep
and the aliens decide that what's good for their pal is probably good for
them too, and their sexual equipment is of generous proportions indeed!

This is a thoroughly sleazy, disgusting, enjoyable story.

Ratings for "Married...With Children"
Athena (technical quality): 7
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"White Cat" by M. M. Twassel (mmtwassel@aol.com).  When one comes across a
story with this title in a newsgroup called alt.sex.stories, one may
logically wonder what it will be about.  One might expect that it might be
about a white person befriending and having sex with a black person in the
1960's, at a time when the black lingo might refer to the White Cat with
whom the black person was exchanging affections.  That's not it.  The race
of the people in this story is not even mentioned.  Since the woman gets
stuck out on the roof of her house, I would assume that both she and her
husband are white.  But I could be wrong about that.  I don't want to
promote inappropriate stereotyping or new spam lines on this newsgroup.

Next, one might look through the story for the occurrence of cat-related
sex words.  If one tries that; one will find that the word pussy occurs
twice - in near juxtaposition: "Sweet Pussy.  Sweet, sweet Pussy". 
However, that's not it either.  The guy is caressing the white fur of a
cat when he says these words.  I suppose that should have been a hint, but
one persisted.

One looked for the word "fuck."  Hmmm.  One occurrence, in the past tense,
serving as an explanation for why the house seemed to be trembling. 
Thinking there may be some potential in this line of reasoning, one tried
looking for "cum."  Finding nun, one tried "come."  Jackpot!  Eight
instances of come or its variants!  But only one referring to the onset of
an orgasm - again in the past tense, again a metaphor explaining why the
roof is trembling.  "Coming" more often referred to the arrival of
neighbors, schoolchildren, the mailman, or firemen - or to a nonexistent
lover making love to her husband in the adjacent room while the woman sat
next to her white cat on the roof because she was scared to come inside.

One could also pursue Deirdresque alternatives.  Maybe the white cat
exercises mind control.  Maybe the white cat is a symbol for a coven of
anti-witches who engage in orgiastic rituals.  Maybe..... but no; Deirdre
and all her imitators use one-word titles - like "Albino."

One might as well give up and read the story, which is actually about a
white cat that gets lost and the owner engages in wild acts of imagination
while trying to find her feline friend.  The author states at the
beginning that this story is 99% orgasm-free; and this is a close estimate
- within plus or minus one percent, I would say.   

The author concludes with a brief epilogue:  "White Cat" shares with my
other stories that it was not necessarily designed to trigger orgasm in
the reader.  To those of you who downloaded this story with that in mind,
my apologies--I sincerely hope you will soon will find something (or
better yet someone) appropriate; and perhaps "White Cat" will have served
well as an appetizer. In any event, I welcome comments and criticism."

I enjoyed this story; but don't say that one didn't warn you!

Ratings for "White Cat"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

 "Bad Touching" by Dafney Dewitt (ii361@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). This story
could be subtitled "Memo to Moralistic Moms."  It has a moral to it:  with
"sex education" there is often too much emphasis on what is bad without
explaining the good. This omission can lead to confusion and ruined lives.

Ratings for "Bad Touching"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Miss Parnell's Office" by Swoon Racers (IHYPNO@TIZ.EDU).When I
interviewed for my first teaching job, there was no presumably decorative
riding crop on the desk of the headmistress - or principal, as we
preferred to call him.  Had there been one, I probably wouldn't have known
what is was for.  I probably would have thought the principal owned a
horse.  Knowing what I know now, of course, I would simply take effective
countermeasures by using the pendulum on the large clock to hypnotize the
stupid bitch and give her a mindset to leave me alone and to hire me to
teach English.  But I am a more obstinate and complex person that the
young lady seated in Miss Parnell's office.  

But the author beat me to it.  Helga becomes hypnotized by the clock and
almost in a trance accepts the position as special assistant to Miss
Parnell.  If I were a music teacher named Helga, I probably would fall for
the Parnell line too.  There's a lot that goes unexplained in this story. 
I presume that people who are inherently interested in mind control as a
literary genre will be more impressed with this story than I was.

Ratings for "Miss Parnell's Office"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7

"Pamela" by d (d@abc.efg).  Mark opens his door one night and finds Pamela
there.  She is extremely distraught and soaked to the bones by a cold
rain.  She came home earlier that day to surprise her husband and found
him in the sack with another woman.  In the past Mark turned to Pam and
Glenn when his own marriage to Marie broke up, and now roles have
switched.

Sure, I like this story because it is well written and I am an incurable
romantic.  But I also like it because it has an element of authenticity
that is lacking in many other stories.  I consider the descriptions of the
sexual activities to be hot; but compared to some of the other stories I
have read lately, some readers would consider this to be tame stuff. 
There are only two people who engage in sexual intercourse at any one
time; there are no sextoys and no one is watching them.  There is no anal
penetration.  The size of the guy's cock is not even mentioned.  The woman
even acts self-conscious about kissing the guy's cock and caressing it
between her breasts.  Come to think of it, even I consider this to be tame
stuff.  It is the _context_ in which all this tame stuff occurs that makes
it hot.  The author does an excellent job of setting up a believable
context for romantic sexual activity that makes that activity hot as well
as romantic.

The following anecdote is out of context in this review of this romantic,
sensitive story.  I used my on-line thesaurus to look for a synonym for
context in the preceding paragraph.  It suggested "appendage."  So if you
wish to do so, you may believe that "the author does an excellent job of
setting up a believable appendage for romantic sexual activity that makes
that activity hot as well as romantic."

Ratings for "Pamela"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Bertram I" by {I'm not sure}.  I tried to write to this author to find
out what name he would like to use, but the message bounced.  I'd really
like to know this author's pen name, since I intend to look for more of
his stories.

This is a parody of the classic Bertie and Jeeves stories.  I hope that
tells you more than it told me; I have never heard of Bertie and Jeeves. 
In this episode Bertram is summoned to his Aunt Agnes's bedside, where she
informs him that his uncle Tom has left her.  She has no one to share her
bed.  She asks Bertram to take care of her.  He acquiesces; but first he
hastens down the hall to consult with his valet, Cheeves, who recommends a
sexual technique called the one-man band.

This is a delightful story about happily decadent people.  It is filled
with mildly bizarre but very interesting activities and metaphors that I
have never thought of before.  The nicest thing about this story is that I
have already downloaded "Bertram II" for review in a subsequent issue of
Celestial Reviews.

When I read parodies, I never know whether an apparent error is deliberate
or accidental.  {Kind of like my own "finding nun" phrase earlier in this
issue of CR.}  The author says, "She spread her legs wide and revealed to
me the rich plane of her cunt."  Did he really mean to say that?

Ratings for "Bertram I"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"Computer Fun" by Dulcinea.  The man signs onto the computer at work and
is surprised to find a flag for his on-line chat partner. In response to
his first comment, she replies "I can picture you sitting at your desk in
your little cubicle, typing into your notebook.  Can you picture me,
sitting here at home in front of my PC, wearing nothing but a sheet?"
Interesting set-up!  What's a guy to say? "What color sheet?"  The plot
thickens.

Dulcinea has written several of these very hot, very short stories.  Like
many of the others, this one doesn't have a complete plot; but it warms
things up nicely.

Ratings for "Computer Fun"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* Several of the Deirdre stories are being reposted on a.s.s., and I have
managed to acquire copies of all these stories plus advance notice of when
they'll be posted.  I'll try to post the reviews at a time when you can
easily find the stories.  Actually, I don't know why anyone would need my
reviews. Since Deirdre's stories depend on surprising twists, I really
can't tell you much about the plot in my reviews; and her stories are
invariably well written.  If I were you, I would simply download any story
that has her name in the title line.

As you may know, I have a theory that Deirdre is the reincarnation of
Sherwood Anderson.  It has come to my attention that the only people
outside Clyde, Ohio, who know about Sherwood Anderson are English
teachers.  So I'll take a moment to tell you about him.  Like Deirdre,
Anderson was a prolific short-story writer. {Unlike Deirdre, he was also a
novelist and critic.}  He is best known for his sensitive portrayals of
the lives of small-town midwesterners.  {Deidre is best known for her
portrayals of people with mild sexual quirks.}  In 1919 he achieved fame
with "Winesburg, Ohio", a group of interconnected short stories about
small-town people whose frustrations and shattered dreams turn them into
what he called "grotesques."  {Deirdre is too polite to use a term like
that.}

Anderson's primary focus was the effects of industrialization on the life
of the individual. {Deirdre's primary focus is slightly unusual sexual
behavior.}  His characters were often bizarre; and this aroused the
resentment of the citizens of Clyde, who understandably got the feeling he
was writing about them.  {Deirdre's characters are not exactly
run-of-the-mill, church-going,  PTA members.  It is my understanding that
Deirdre is not allowed to visit Clyde, Ohio, except on Halloween.}

Anderson strongly and permanently influenced the short story,
concentrating on mood and psychological insight rather than on plot.  For
you foreigners out there, he's sort of an American Chekov.  {Deirdre has
pursued a similar emphasis and has exerted a similar influence on a.s.s. }
Anderson's most famous collections of short stories are The Triumph of the
Egg (1921), Horses and Men (1923), and Death in the Woods (1933).  Some of
his finest writing appears in his autobiographical works:  A Story
Teller's Story (1924);  Tar: A Midwest Childhood (1926);  and Sherwood
Anderson's Memoirs (1942).  His writings influenced Edwin Arlington
Robinson, whose poems were popularized in the late 1960's and early 1970's
by Simon and Garfunkel (e.g., "Richard Cory" and "A Most Peculiar Man.")

In short, Anderson has been reincarnated as Deirdre in the late 20th
Century and is writing short stories for a.s.s., focusing on sex rather
than industrialization, but retaining his emphasis on moods and psychology
rather than explicit events.  College students in literature courses who
follow this newsgroup should take an offbeat story by Deirdre and begin
their term paper thus: "If Sherwood Anderson were alive today, I think he
would write about the effects of sex rather than industrialization on the
lives of men and women in contemporary society.  For example, a typical
Sherwood Anderson plot would... {and then summarize in concise but vivid
detail your favorite Deirdre story.  As you do so, follow the rules of the
Little Brown Handbook rather than Celestial Grammar, since you'll want to
throw your prof off the track.}  If anyone does this, please let me know
what happens.

Now where else on the 'Net can you get this kind of fascinating
information while you're looking for a sexual release?  For all you know,
this might come up on Jeopardy next week!

* "After" by Deirdre.  A college girl is first shocked and then fascinated
by her friend's interest in spanking.  By the end of the story she becomes
a participant.

Ratings for "After"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

* "Afternoon" by Deirdre.  Three college girls go for a ride on a
beautiful afternoon.  They pick up a female hitchhiker, who invites them
to her cabin and introduces them to her female roommate.  Two out of the
three change their sexual preferences during the ensuing 24 hours.  The
other watches, listens, and narrates the story.  I found this story to be
full of hot sex, although most of it was implied rather than explicit. 
(Rating: 10)

Ratings for "Afternoon"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Airport" by Deirdre. It all starts off as an innocent massage that the
woman gives to her roommate, who is obviously exhausted at the end of the
work day.  Just when the reader thinks this is a pretty mild story, events
escalate to anal stimulation in a very public place with someone watching.
 There's not much actual sex in this story, but it's still very
stimulating.

Ratings for "Airport"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Cocktail Table" by Sue.  Sue accepts an invitation to a party from some
graduate students who admire her literary work.  After the initial fuss
over her arrival, everyone sits around in a quiet circle with their hands
on their laps while Sue reads "Slippery When Wet" to the group.  Everyone
gets turned on by the splendid reading, and the spokesman for the group
suggests that Sue may want to leave before the ensuing orgy begins.  Sue
chooses to stay.  Actually, Sue tells it better; so read the story.

I shall now respond to the one unanswered question in Sue's story: the
plural of "clitoris" is "clitorises".  Interestingly enough, my spellcheck
recognized this plural, even though it failed to recognize "anally,"
"Sistine," "dominatrix," and "supermodel."  I verified this plural in my
unabridged dictionary, where the word is found right after "cliticize"
(the meaning of which may surprise you) and on the same page with a
picture of a cloister.  Talk about a screwed up value system!  The
dictionary defines clit, clitoris, and cliticize (and 101 pages later
gives three definitions for cunt, which happen to come right before Mario
Cuomo - now there's a coincidence for you), but it gives a picture of a
cloister instead of a clitoris!  I mean, how many readers in all of
history have looked at the definition of a cloister and said, "Damn! I
wish I had a picture to clear this up for me!"  Sorry about the
digression; but Sue did raise the original question in her story.

{Well, now that I have already digressed, I might mention that I did a
double-take during proofreading - 101 pages of definitions between
clitoris and Cuomo?  Yes, that's right.  Yesterday a prissy student came
up to my desk and told me that another student - who was disgruntled over
her grade - had called me "the c-word."  I asked her to be more specific,
but she couldn't utter "the c-word" out loud.  She doesn't realize how
truly ambiguous her accusation was!}

This was a very enjoyable story.  I have only one problem with it, and
that problem is akin to the play within a play theme that often occurs in
Shakespeare.  When Sue has six guys shoot their jism all over her body
(never mind the cunt juices that are flowing like milk and honey) - when
she gets her pastry frosted by six guys at once, whose record is she
breaking?  (Not mine, certainly!)  She compares it to the four guys whose
snorkels she cleared in "Slippery When Wet," but that's a work of fiction,
and is recognized as such even in the present work of fiction.  Sue
herself is actually a most demure person who probably isn't even named Sue
and almost certainly has not participated in Onan's Olympics with more
than two male partners at the same time.  So what we have here is a
fiction within a fiction and how do we know that even that is not fiction?
 In other words, that that is not is not that that is.  (I was tempted to
replace "in other words" with "that is" in the preceding sentence, but
then the thought would have become confusing.)

Sorry.  Even though I am a most cunning linguist I just never had a chance
to say that last sentence in a meaningful context before.  If you're ever
in danger of premature orgasm, try repeating and understanding that
sentence, and it will probably keep you from coming at least until your
partner catches up with you.

Ratings for "Cocktail Table"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Lab Partners" by WithSue.  Sue was kind enough to send me a copy of
this story before she reposted it.  When I saw it posted this morning, I
was upset, because I hadn't finished it yet.  So I dug into the rest of
the 24 pages (11,188 words, according to my word count) and was late for
breakfast.  It was as good as Sue humbly said it would be.  (Now I have to
put this out of my mind and concentrate on summer school.)  The deal here
is that Sue loves fantasies and in real life encourages other authors to
respond to her fantasies by finishing or adapting her stories.  A few
paragraphs into the story, I realized that Sue herself was the lab partner
working with the two guys.  The buildup took a while; but even our
anti-Jane-Austen critic would enjoy the result, I think.  (I'd really like
to know his opinion of this one.)  This has to be one of the longest
orgasms in a.s.s. history; and I stayed glued to the screen for every
minute of it.  This may be a chick story - but what a chick!

Ratings for "Lab Partners"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

(Continued in 2/2)
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From: celeste801@aol.com (Celeste801)
Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories
Subject: Celestial Reviews 128 - Oct 23 (2/2)
Date: 23 Oct 1996 12:21:21 -0400
Organization: America Online, Inc. (1-800-827-6364)
Lines: 41
Sender: root@newsbf02.news.aol.com
Message-ID: <54lgm1$h5v@newsbf02.news.aol.com>
Reply-To: celeste801@aol.com (Celeste801)
NNTP-Posting-Host: newsbf02.mail.aol.com
Status: N

Celestial Reviews 128 - Oct 23, 1996 (2/2)
(Continued from 1/2)

* "AdventureLand" by Sue.  I love theme parks.  Disney World in Orlando is
an especially romantic place.  In this story, a woman manages to get into
the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction after everyone else has left it. 
She masturbates and engages in sexual fantasies with the characters.  The
punch line is that one of the characters turns out to be the college kid
who runs the attraction, and he fucks her and slips away before she
realizes that he wasn't part of her imagination.  I liked the story a lot.
 I'm sure there are religious people somewhere who would be repulsed at
the thought of a Disney employee taking advantage of an innocent customer;
but what the hell - this story takes place in an atmosphere in which the
"legitimate" fantasy consists of fun-loving pirates looting villages and
gleefully carrying off the female prisoners.  When I've taken my kids on
that ride, I've often mentally noted that in real life the pirates would
have had their sexual jollies with the women they were chasing. Being
captured and raped by a pirate probably wasn't as much fun as Disney
suggests.  In real life Disney employees who have sex with customers who
are masturbating with the characters should be fired; just as  pirates who
rape and pillage should normally be hanged after a fair trial.  It was fun
to read a story in which a modern pirate took advantage of a damsel.  On
the downside, you really do have to stretch your imagination to buy into
the story.  But overall, it was just good clean fun.

Ratings for "AdventureLand"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

* "Arresting Officer" by Ann Douglas. When I started this story about
police officers busting a bunch of prostitutes, I thought I knew exactly
where it was going; but the story surprised me.  If I tell you too much
about this story, I'll run the risk of ruining it for you.  All I'll say
here is that it's well written and creative.

Ratings for "AdventureLand"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10