Path: newsfeed.direct.ca!nntp.teleport.com!news.reed.edu!camelot.ccs.neu.edu!nntp.neu.edu!grapevine.lcs.mit.edu!bloom-beacon.mit.edu!news-res.gsl.net!news.gsl.net!portc01.blue.aol.com!newstf01.news.aol.com!newsbf02.news.aol.com!not-for-mail From: celeste801@aol.com (Celeste801) Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories Subject: Celestial Reviews 96 - July 3 Date: 3 Jul 1996 10:36:48 -0400 Organization: America Online, Inc. (1-800-827-6364) Lines: 391 Sender: root@newsbf02.news.aol.com Message-ID: <4re0i0$1v8@newsbf02.news.aol.com> Reply-To: celeste801@aol.com (Celeste801) NNTP-Posting-Host: newsbf02.mail.aol.com Status: N Celestial Reviews 96 - July 3, 1996 Note: Some time ago several readers offered to archive some of my reviews for public access. Somebody else offered to archive the most recent stories that I review. These services would still be useful, but I lost the names of these people during my hard-drive problems a few months ago. If anyone is still interested, please contact me; and I'll see if I can cooperate. At the present time there is a good service that posts all 100 of my Top Stories of 1995 at a single Web Site: http://proffa.cc.tut.fi/~k113973/ In addition, several authors have adopted the practice of posting their own stories through their personal Web homepages. I'll try to keep that list current and post it from time to time. I am not aware of any publicly accessible site that archives all my reviews at the present time. Contact me if you want to help. - Celeste "The Babysitter" by Ann Douglas (adolescent boy & older woman) 9.5, 10, 10 "Home Improvement: Jill's Weekend Home Alone" by Barge1 (parody) 6, 5, 5 "Leave It to Beaver" by Uncle Mike (TV parody) 10, 9.5, 9.5 "Flying Nun: Decameron Minus 99" by Uncle Mike (holy sex) 10, 10, 10 "The Wrath of Coren" by Vettius (sex & violence) 9, 10, 10 "The Hedonists" by Jonboy (orgies) 9, 10, 10 "Forest" by Uther Pendragon (romance) 9.5, 9, 9 "A Night With Yokosan" by Observer (romance) 10, 9.5, 9.5 "Virginia" by Die Atomic (teenage hedonism) 8, 7, 7 "Big Cypress" by Mark Aster (sex in the outdoors) 10, 10, 9.5 *"Red Hot" by Sue (orgy) 9.5, 10, 10 *"Cocktail Table" by Sue (Orgy) 10, 10, 10 * = Repost of a previous review (because the story has recently been reposted). "The Babysitter" by Ann Douglas (annd55@nyc.pipeline.com). The activities in this story may technically constitute statutory rape, but I have it on good authority that almost all teenage American males fantasize making it with an older, sexy woman. In this case Scott is a 17-year-old who baby-sits for two pre-teenagers. One day after the kids go to bed he watches an amateur adult video, in which he sees the lady of the house making love to her husband. He barely gets the tape put away on time when they come home unexpectedly; but as luck would have it, he gets a ride home from the woman's sister, who happens to be her very hot twin and who has just returned to town after being away for several years. They drive past the old Lover's Point; they stop to look around; her juices start flowing; and Scott gets the thrill of his young life. The story even has a mildly surprising ending. Ratings for "The Babysitter" Athena (technical quality): 9.5 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Home Improvement: Jill's Weekend Home Alone" by Barge1 (Barge1@aol.com). One of the things I like best about parodies is the creative ways the authors bring sex into the story lines while maintaining the spirit of the original show. In this story, for example, we learn why Jill is longing for sex. Not only has Tim cut her back to just one quickie a month, he has even ruined her vibrator by trying to give it more power. So when Al shows up to do some chores while Tim is away, Al assumes that Jill may be more than willing to play. Unfortunately, Jill resists; and so Al rapes her - but only because he knows she'll really like it. This story is not as well written as the other "Home Improvement" parodies I have seen. Nor does it catch the real spirit of the show it parodies. Tim is not the selfish asshole that he appears to be in this story; he's actually a nice Neanderthal. And it's hard to picture Al as even a benign rapist with a cock several inches longer and thicker than Tim's. So far I have seen only four out of who knows how many chapters of this story; and I doubt that the author himself knows where this plot is going. Ratings for "Jill's Weekend Home Alone" Athena (technical quality): 6 Venus (plot & character): 5 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5 "Leave It to Beaver" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). This is one of a whole set of parodies of old TV sitcoms. They even come with a cover story: Uncle Mike passed away, and Mom inherited the computer, and the gentleman who posted these found them on his hard drive and decided to share them with us. This story begins with Beaver secretly watching Wally flog his hog. While Wally is gone, Beaver finds the Playboy magazine and tries it himself - only to be discovered by his mom. Rather than rebuking him or making him feel guilty, June gently explains the facts of life to her son. Then she gives him a practical demonstration of how to please a woman. We also discover why June always wore those pearls around her neck. This was an enjoyable story. There's nothing complicated about the style or the plot. Some of it is actually good psychology - but some of it is bizarre, just like the original show. Someone might point out that in real life mothers would be ill advised to have sex with their pre-teenage children; but then they would be equally ill advised to name a child Beaver in the first place. Ratings for "Leave It to Beaver" Athena (technical quality): 9.5 Venus (plot & character): 9.5 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5 "Flying Nun: Decameron Minus 99" by Uncle Mike (fr582@cleveland.Freenet.Edu). Legend has it that in the days of yore - possibly back when television sitcoms were black and white - there existed a weekly series called "The Flying Nun." I know not who was in the show nor the content thereof; and so I cannot tell whether this story is a parody of that show, and so I shall respond to this as a tale of inspiration in its own right. This story tells of a poor farmer in a land called Italy who was possessed by a demon that revealed itself to the world through an appendage between the farmer's legs. One day a flying nun appeared from the sky, and on that and successive occasions the farmer persuaded the nun to help him draw the demon out of his body. The nun pursued her holy task with great vigor and through noble stratagems did indeed draw the bilious fluid of the demon out of the man; but alas on each occasion the demon had returned by the time of the nun's next visit, and the process of exorcism needed to be repeated many times. Fortunately, the nun enjoyed her holy chore and kept laboring at it with the patience of Jezebel. This is an excellent story. It reminds me that back when I was in Catholic elementary school we had to give our pastor a "Spiritual Bouquet" for his golden anniversary. He thanked our class, as he read it out loud: "....21 masses, 17 rosaries, 50 Our Fathers, 70 Hail Marys, 400 ejaculations...." And then he laughed. To us, an ejaculation was a short prayer, such as "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, pray for us." To our pastor the word had a more interesting meaning, which I suppose he heard about in the confessional. I don't think he thought the fifteen boys in our class were up to the task of 400 ejaculations prior to graduation. In retrospect, I don't think the nun who taught the class had any idea what the pastor was laughing about. Ratings for "Flying Nun" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "The Wrath of Coren" by Vettius (Vettius@aol.com). I normally don't enjoy stories of extremely violent sex; but I'll make an exception for this one. Actually, this story is more violence than sex. It tells of two amazon assassins who try to kill Coren, the chief warrior of some sort of Evil Empire. They fail; one of the women is immediately killed; and then the other fights nearly to the death with Coren. He eventually overcomes her and rapes her. As I write my summary, the story sounds awful; but I couldn't stop reading this damned story! The story is incomplete - truncated at both the beginning and the end. It's a lot like catching a single episode of a well-done version of a Flash Gordon serial. Ratings for "The Wrath of Coren" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5 "The Hedonists" by Jonboy (jonboy@thepoint.net). I get skeptical about these stories sometimes. So when I brought my husband a beer during a commercial of the baseball game tonight, I said to him, "Imagine that you are a plumber and have to wait for an hour until the lady of the house returns. Her nubile step-daughter is lying by the pool and asks you to rub suntan lotion on her, and her movements cause her tiny black bikini to practically disappear into her the crack of her tight little ass. As you apply the lotion, you can smell the odor of sex permeating the air around you. Would you find this to be at all erotic?" "What does nubile mean?" he replied, as I handed him his beer and a bottle of baby lotion, flipped off the TV with the remote control, lay down with my naked ass easing out beneath my tee-shirt, and said, "The kids will be home at 8:30." Anyway, the basic premise of the story seems to be sound: at least some men would find this to be an erotic situation. Actually, the kids did not get home till 9:00 and the premise was more erotic than I had expected - either that or it contrasted really well with a boring baseball game; and so I didn't get back to reading this story until much later. By then it had occurred to me that since the title was plural, ole Dave would be checking the plumbing of both mother and daughter and possibly a few others unknown to me at that moment. By the way, Dave is a stud himself; so this is not a guy's only fantasy. In addition, he's apparently a union plumber: "You just charge us for the whole day," says Mom. "It would be worth twice the price to find an unusual man like yourself." As I understand it, Dave had five resounding orgasms within about five hours during his initial visit, and he also found time to fix a leaky pipe while the step-mother shaved her pussy in front of him. Fortunately, the ladies had no Kryptonite in their house. I have no idea how often the two woman came that first afternoon, but they were both pretty happy. Meanwhile, I was at the end of chapter 4 out of 10, and my husband was dead to the world after moving the earth only two times in 94 minutes. Then in chapter 5 Dave gets a hard-on thinking about his upcoming date with Vicki that evening, and so he has oral sex with his roommate (a guy) before he showers and heads off for his date in chapter 6. When Dave returns to the mansion at 7:00 the Three Amigos fondle, exchange tongues, and become pre-orgasmic; but they do NOT engage in full genital contact. Another orgasm at this time might strain credulity. The kids go out for pizza and Mom goes upstairs for her dildo - either that or she goes to a bar and takes on an entire basketball team before going to spend the evening in a sex club. The transitions are not perfectly clear here; and reality and fantasy merge. Chapter 7 explains the activities of the sex club - The Hedonists Society; and these would make an interesting story in themselves. In fact, chapter 7 SHOULD be a separate story; stylistically it's a major distraction, and I have no idea why the author felt the need to shove it into this story. Suffice it to say that these hedonistic little fuckers probably have a franchise in a city near yours - unfortunately, it's fictional. Meanwhile, back in the real "plot," Dave and Vicki go to a nightclub that has a "sexiest couple contest." Having already exceeded the limits of human sexual capacity, of course, they refrain from participating. Right! And I have a bridge in Brooklyn and some oceanfront property in Arizona that I'd like to sell you. Actually, they win the contest. This may not seem improbable, since the couple has refrained from full sexual copulation for nearly nine hours by the time the contest starts, but I forgot to tell you that they Dave had already cum three times immediately before the contest began. The dance contest scenario is especially well written. The author describes not only the antics of Dave and Vicki but also those of several other couples; and the various couples also interact with one another. And this hot sex is NOT a digression, but rather a contribution to the overall plot. An anthropologist at heart, Dave wins the contest with an ancient mating dance. It had a good beat and was easy to cum to. Dick Clark would give it a 99. To celebrate their victory, Vicki sucks Dave's cock to the verge of orgasm in the car on the way home; but he doesn't cum (again, we don't want to strain credulity). To wrap things up, Dave stays over with Vicki; and Mom wakes up and joins them for one final orgy. Assuming the story ends at, say, 4:00 a.m., Dave has had ten raging orgasms within 19 hours. Not bad for a plumber. A word of stylistic advice to the author: I don't see what is gained by referring to Vicki as "the sex crazed bitch" in the normal narrative. It makes sense to use this terminology to express DAVE's thoughts; but the author does a good job of giving an objective but hot description of events, and I think the evaluative reference weakens the presentation. Normally, when it is the author speaking we hear words like "the beautiful young woman" or even "the beautiful young woman whose cunt ached for his cock." A lot of authors do this. My advice is to consider what can be gained by using the appropriate words at the right times. {The following is fine: "OK, bitch!" Dave swore, "You want fucked. This is a fuck!" It's proper because these are DAVE's words, not the narrator's.} Not everything in the story was a turn-on for me. For example, I don't find it at all erotic to think of a guy pissing on me; and while swallowing cum seems sexy to me, gulping down a mouthful of piss does not. Likewise, sticking my finger and even my tongue into a pulsating ass is sexy; but I have no desire to have a guy dump his load on me. However, there was plenty of hot stuff, and I could have simply skimmed the less delectable parts. As I started this story, I was seriously considering docking the author for having no real plot - this story was just an excuse to talk about sex. But then I discovered that there really was a plot of sorts; and at the very least it was a damned good excuse to talk about sex. Then I said to myself that certainly I had to subtract a point or so for the lack of realism. I mean, I've read Kinsey and Masters & Johnson and some of the others; and not even Shere Hite thinks a guy who has already been having frequent sex can have this many orgasms. But what the hell! "High Noon" is a great movie, and nobody ever counts how many times Will Kane fires his six-shooter without reloading. Assuming there are people who want to read a story primarily to get themselves or a friend turned on, there may be a demand for this story! Ratings for "The Hedonists" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Forest" by Uther Pendragon (romance) (an569889@anon.penet.fi). Bob and Jeanette have gone off for several days of hiking on their honeymoon. Although he loves Jeanette deeply, Bob feels that there is a gap in their relationship that needs to be bridged; and he formulates a plan to close that gap the next night, when they stay at a hotel instead of in a tent. They'll have more room there. But alas, things get very hot and tender ahead of schedule. This is a very good story. I think it could flow a little more naturally; but other readers may have no problem at all with this sexy romance in its present format. Ratings for "Forest" Athena (technical quality): 9.5 Venus (plot & character): 9 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9 "A Night With Yokosan" by Observer (observer@onramp.net). The soldier has been sent to Japan about fifteen years after World War II. In an attempt to immerse himself in the culture and eventually to get laid, he takes a bus ride into the boonies. He decides that except for old men pissing in cabbage patches. he might like Japan. Then he meets Yokosan, and she confirms his decision. {Note: Women in Japan are rarely obese - probably because they refuse to eat food from fields in which old men have been pissing.} Yokosan runs a neighborhood bar - not a whorehouse, but a pleasant, neighborhood social center. Our hero spends an enjoyable evening talking to everyone, including Yokosan. She agrees to join him after work, but when she arrives around 2:00 a.m. her first words are, ""Me pissed off. My brother. No good now. We sreep now, preeze?" Not exactly the planned agenda, but our hero politely acquiesces. In the morning, he discovers that he is a celebrity to the girl. It was her belief that Americans had bigger dingers than Japanese men, and she was going to be very grateful for an opportunity to check out this theory. They bang away happily all morning and then part - but I'm going to stop here. Read the story yourself to discover the details. This author is especially good at integrating sexual details into a realistic context. Although I know little about postwar Japan, I was easily able to picture the scenes that he described. However, the actual sex scenes are not quite as hot as some of the others by this same author. Ratings for "A Night With Yokosan" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 9.5 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5 "Virginia" by Die Atomic (Die Atomic@aol.com). I've learned to be skeptical of stories in which the male narrator is able to estimate a fully clothed woman's bust size to within a single centimeter within five seconds of merely visual inspection. After 392 words of this story, I knew that Virginia was this guy's 5'7" step-sister with 37C breasts. Incidentally, did you know that either Isaac Newton or Sir Francis Galton once went on an anthropological expedition during which he spent his idle time using surveyor's instruments to estimate the vital statistics of naked female aborigines? This is probably true, since I learned this many years ago in a statistics course from a really good professor. Believe it or not, he used this as an example during a unit on the normal curve. I kid you not! If someone out there has the exact anecdote, I'd like to get these details straight. As Richard Nixon used to say while fantasizing about oral intercourse, I'd like to get this down Pat. Anyway, in this story little sister is a bit of a vixen. The first night the guy is home with her, she invites a girlfriend over and has raucous lesbian sex with her; and she has had the foresight to leave a tiny hole in the wall through which big brother can watch. It also turns out that little sister has made a video of that session, and the two girls ask big brother to join them while they watch the instant replay. They fuck merrily and variously for a while, but they have to stop when Mom and Frank come home from grandma's sickbed. Why Mom and Frank didn't just join them is something not explained in the story. Next the Three Muskateers go out and have more sex in the Taco Bell parking lot, where they get their meal for free, because one of the girls flashes the kid at the takeout window. In addition, we are treated to some hot flashbacks, where the verb tense is slightly messed up, but the sex is not. Overall, this story lacks a serious plot; what plot there is simply supplies an excuse to tell about more and more sexual escapades. Its greatest value will be as material to stimulate readers to preorgasmic arousal rather than to stimulate the mind with creativity. I'm told there's a market for that sort of thing! Ratings for "Virginia" Athena (technical quality): 8 Venus (plot & character): 7 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7 "Big Cypress" by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com). Mike the Guide is taking Our Hero and his two lovely friends out to an island called the Maiden in a swamp called Big Cypress. He doubts that the trip will be worth the effort, but he changes his mind when he gets his reward from Julie, the younger of the nubile Allen sisters. As usual, this author does an exceptional job of choreographing the sexual exploits of four people making simultaneous love. My only problem with this story is the swamp locale. Maybe it was the time of the year, but I remember gazillions of mosquitoes when we tried to make it in a swamp. I agree with Dr. Seuss, who said, "I cannot, will not do it in a swamp!" And then Pavlov kicks in; I cannot even READ about sex in a swamp without feeling anxious about Pat's and Julie's perfect inner thighs being pecked at and sucked by things less pleasant than human peckers and lips. It's a classical case of classical conditioning. I would have similar problems with a story about a blond-haired, blue-eyed Norwegian exchange student wearing a polyester leisure suit - but for reasons that are at least superficially different from the mosquito scenario; however, I doubt that anyone will ever write such a story. This is a very good story - if you can suspend your disbelief enough to accept the notion that people can have exuberant sex on an island in lazy, sunny swamp. Ratings for "Big Cypress" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5