~Subject: Celestial Reviews 67 - March 6
~From: celeste801@aol.com (Celeste801)
~Date: 6 Mar 1996 14:45:34 -0500
~Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.d

Celestial Reviews 67 - Mar 6, 1996

Note:  I have begun using a new rating system, which gives each story
three discrete* ratings.  (*See discussion of "discrete" in WORD USAGE at
end of these Reviews.)  These are explained in more detail in my FAQ, but
here is a summary.

Athena Rating.  This rating covers such matters as grammar, spelling,
formatting, and creative use of the language.  A story with essentially no
serious grammar, spelling, or usage problems will receive a rating of 8. 
To get a rating of 9 or 10, the author will have to do something creative
with the language.  

Venus Rating.  This rating describes such matters as plot and character
development.  

Celeste Rating.  This rating describes how much I myself liked the story. 


On the summary line, I'll simply list these as three separate ratings:
{"Name of Story" by Author (topic) 8, 10, 8}

Second Note:  Some exciting things are happening with regard to making
good stories more widely available.  I have already mentioned in past
issues of CR that some people are setting up Web sites for my reviews and
lists and for the stories contained in them.  Another important
development is that someone is trying to rejuvenate the Louvre.  In
addition, there is now a Deirdre home page, a Robot Sex home page, and a
DarkNites home page.  If you have a home page for your own stories or for
those which you have gathered and want to make this information public,
please give me the appropriate information.  A week from now I'll try to
post a complete list of all such resources.  I'll try to keep it free of
ripoff sites that are trying to make a profit or to distribute stories to
people who should not be receiving them.  All I want are sites that
archive or disseminate stories of quality comparable to those that
commonly receive good ratings in Celestial Reviews.  Even if you think I
already know about your service, please send me a brief note along with
the correct address.

- Celeste

      "The Horny Librarian" by Unknown Author (sex in
            the library) 8, 8, 8
      "Adult Bookstore" by Unknown Author (orgy & spouse
            watching) 6, 5, 3
      "Your first 3way" by Pete Ferrer (three-way sex) 3, 3, 1
      "Novice" by Wollstonecraft (sex in the convent) 10, 10, 
            10
      "The Fast" by Delta (masturbation & fantasy)10, 9, 9
      "French Kiss II" by Mark Aster (orgy in a ski lodge) 10, 10,
            10
      "The Present" by Grid (bondage games) 10, 9, 4

"The Horny Librarian" by Unknown Author.  Librarians have a special place
in my heart.  This is partly because they are a misunderstood minority,
much like English teachers - but usually older and less attractive. 
However, my special kinship had its origin at a time shortly after our
second daughter was born.  My husband was doing advanced studies, and I
had accompanied him to the university library.  There was an attractive
young college student working at the main desk, and we were seated at an
isolated table away from everyone else, as the library emptied that
evening.  After about an hour of serious study, I felt my husband's hand
on my thigh under the table, and he whispered in a low voice what he would
like to do to the young lady at the desk.  I told him to shut up and show
me, and while he brought me to a gentle orgasm, I responded by gently
caressing his cock through his pants.  

My husband deliberately dropped his pencil and obviously wanted me to go
under the table to retrieve it and to perform another service while I was
down there, but I wasn't interested in getting arrested for indecent
exposure.  To help overcome his obvious disappointment, I managed to unzip
his fly and began quietly describing to him what the girl at the desk
would like to do to his cock.  He gazed straight at her all the while I
secretly played his pipe organ.  I continued to caress his joystick,
making my fingers feel as much as possible like her lips, and to describe
her hypothetical activities, until he shot his load into my hand.  I
caught what I could and brought my hand to my mouth and licked it clean,
while he continued to bring me to the completion of my own orgasm.  

We managed to do all this without arousing the attention of anyone - or so
we thought.  When we left the library fifteen minutes later, we stopped to
check out some books.  When the young lady returned my library card to me,
she smiled very nicely and said, "It's really great to see older people
who are so much in love."  As she handed me back my library card, she
casually brought her hand close to my face.  I was struck by the obvious
fragrance of her feminine juices on her hand.  We made love once in the
car and once more at home that night.  I often saw that assistant
librarian around the campus, but I never discussed the matter with her any
further.  However, as I said, I have a warm spot in my heart for
librarians.

Ooops!  This is a review, not a story.  Ignore those previous three
paragraphs.  In the present story Laura Weber is a smalltown librarian
whose husband has passed away and left her with four teenage children. 
Although she's a tiger inside, she feels compelled to put on a proper
exterior in order to maintain the respect of the community and keep her
job.  As luck would have it, just when she's about ready to explode from
pent-up lust, she comes across a young lad jerking off in the stacks
around closing time, while he is looking at the engravings in a tome of
either anthropological or artistic interest.  Motivated both by her own
lust and by a desire to avoid doing anything that might make the poor lad
dislike the library, she exposes the boy - literally.  They have mutually
pleasurable oral sex; and as the story ends, it seems likely that David
will not develop a pathological avoidance of libraries or reading.

Of course, librarians should not give blowjobs to kids in the stacks; but
I suspect that more than one young man has fantasized having this happen. 
Although this story is written from the perspective of the librarian, I
suspect it was written by a grown-up David, who had rehearsed this plot on
many an occasion while he searched for naked breasts in National
Geographic and wished that the librarian would put her lips in a slightly
more intimate location when she sushed him.

Ratings for "The Horny Librarian" 
Athena (technical quality): 8
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8

"Adult Bookstore" by Unknown Author.  Adults don't actually do a lot of
reading in adult bookstores.  I occasionally visit such establishments -
always when I am out of town for a convention, since if I am in town I am
likely to be seen by a parent of one of my students.  These are
interesting places.  Usually the center of attention is a display of
magazines that looks much like the rack in a typical supermarket. 
Standing in front of the display, there are invariably a large number of
dirty old men, some of them actually wearing opened overcoats.  They spend
their time avoiding eye contact with one another, while they pick up and
put down the various magazines, acting like they are putting a lot of
thought into their purchase.  To minimize abuse of the merchandise, most
of the "really good" magazines are wrapped in clear plastic.

As I suggest in my FAQ, I have no interest in picking up men in sleazy
establishments when I am away from home.  I just feel I have a
constitutional right to read what I want to read, and some of these places
do have some interesting reading material.  And besides, the effect of a
woman on such a group is interesting.  I enjoy walking up to the rack and
asking one of the guys who is not looking at me, "Is that a good one?"  I
have encountered only two basic reactions: (1) Most of them mumble
something and walk away as quickly as possible - probably because I remind
them of their mothers.  (2) Some of them try to flirt with me.  I politely
thank the men in this second category for their attention but tell them
that I have to hurry to be on time for the karate class that my husband
and I are taking together that evening after he gets finished with target
practice down at the police range.

In addition, these stores are full of discount books that have their
covers ripped off.  I used to buy these books so that I'd have something
to masturbate with back in the hotel room; but in more recent days I just
bring along a diskful of a.s.s. stories to read on my laptop computer. 
The best of these stories are comparable to good a.s.s. stories.

Finally, these stories also offer numerous sex toys and peep shows.  The
latter offer viewers an opportunity to view segments of videos for a
twenty-five cents.  The peep show booths look genuinely sleazy, and I have
never patronized them.  They look and smell like people probably do in
them what the author of this story says they do.  

Which brings us to this story.  A man takes his wife to an establishment
like those I have described.  They head straight for the peep shows, and
they quickly get aroused.  While she is fucking her husband, she becomes
aware that the sides of the booth are full of peepholes.  She also
discovers (a) that things other than eyes can be placed against these
holes and that is is possible to suck on and extract fluids from objects
stuck through these apertures, and (2) that more than two persons can fit
into a single booth and perform fairly athletic activities.

This is all kind of interesting (from a perspective of cultural
anthropology, of course), but the plot and character development is more
on a level with the movies typically shown in the peep shows than with the
stories were have grown accustomed to on this newsgroup.

Ratings for "Adult Bookstore" 
Athena (technical quality): 6
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3

"Your first 3way" by Pete Ferrer (ferrer@ix.netcom.com).  The author
stated in his disclaimer that this was his first post and that he was
looking for comments, especially from women.  I qualify for that purpose. 
My reaction is that I wonder why a person would bother to post this.  It
is really badly written.  Even in it's nearly illiterate format, of
course, it may be of interest to one specific person with whom he
originally shared these feelings or fantasies.  I do not by any means want
to suggest that people who can express themselves clearly are better
persons than those who can express themselves only awkwardly.  The writer
of this story may be a great lay and a romantic person. For all I know, he
may be a fine carpenter who did not graduate from elementary school, or a
bank president who feels arrogantly superior to everyone else and doesn't
feel a need to follow simple rules of logic and grammar.  But unless he
has skills that he doesn't display here, he's not a writer.  This author
has to be not thinking at all if he imagines that someone who's not
already in on his secret would care about this story.  I've seen worse,
but I don't understand why a person would want to subject himself to
public embarrassment by posting something this poorly written.  There is
an erotic idea behind this story, but such ideas are a lot easier to find
in other stories posted on this newsgroup.  

Ratings for "Your first 3way" 
Athena (technical quality): 3
Venus (plot & character): 3
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 1

"Novice" by Wollstonecraft (an285729@anon.penet.fi ).  The events in this
story probably didn't really happen.  If they did, we surely would have
seen the participants on Donahue or one of the other talk shows by now. 
Actually, there's a good chance that this was written under a pseudonym by
Donahue himself, to get even with those nuns for swatting his cute little
ass when he talked during mass as a child.

Anyway, the novice (a young woman aspiring to become a nun) looks out the
window of her convent one evening and sees a young, wretched, homeless lad
shivering on the ground.  What can she do?  Her charity demands that she
invite him inside (through the window, of course).  But alas, sleeping on
the cold floor would hardly be better than sleeping on the ground and
there's only one bed.  Charity would demand sharing the bed.  But double
alas, his tattered clothes would soil the bed sheets; and so - cleanliness
being next to godliness (more literally than usual, in this case) - she
invites the young man into her bed clad only in a humble gown that she
bestows on him.  Recognizing that this might be a source of temptation,
she cautiously enjoins him to be chaste.  The good lad replies thus: "I
would not press an unholy advantage as a result of your compassion,
Sister, nor would I be so foolish as to risk the wrath of the Lord by
despoiling His servant's perfect offering."

Ah, 'tis the life of a saint we have described here - albeit a saint whose
grasp of both theology and sexual reproduction seriously sucks.  Will the
young novice remain firm in her commitment to all that is holy or will the
pull of the flesh impinge upon her cloistered life?  This sounds a lot
like "The Sound of Music", doesn't it?  I don't want to reveal too much of
the plot to you; there may be a few events in it that you haven't guessed
yet.  I enjoyed this story very much.  It's almost as if Geoffrey Chaucer
has returned through cyberspace with a modern version of "The Nun's Tale."

Of course, real nuns don't really do things like this; they're almost as
straight as English teachers and librarians - but less likely to be
offended by this story, since they seldom surf a.s.s.. The falsehoods in
this story probably originate in this author's primordial urge to wreak
vengeance upon his childhood teachers, who possibly caught him
masturbating during music class and made him stop or used the more common
ploy of telling him that jerking his gherkin would make his voice get high
and he'd have to sing with the girls.  This story is filled with raw
passion, but it lacks some elements of authenticity that would make it
fully believable.  For one thing, I happen to know that first vespers do
not occur in convents at the time of day when they do in this story.  And
besides, if people did do things like this, someone sure as hell would be
struck dead by lightning.  Or something.

Ratings for "Novice" 
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"The Fast" by Delta (an248969@anon.penet.fi).  Kerri enjoys masturbating;
but to prove to herself that she is not obsessed or addicted to the
activity, she vows to herself that she will refrain from her solitary
enjoyment for two weeks.  It's an interesting idea.  Would such an
abstemious regimen enable Kerri to come away with monastic insights about
the superiority of her soul over her body?  What sort of things would she
think about when she encountered those situations that would normally
encourage her to bring herself to climax?  Could she actually hold out for
two whole weeks; and if so, what would she do when the fast was over? 
Just for the record, at the very beginning I resolved not to masturbate or
to have an orgasm for at least four hours after I finished this story, and
I was easily successful. Student essays make some things easy for English
teachers.

Ratings for "The Fast" 
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9

"French Kiss II" by Mark Aster (MyFrThAl@aol.com).  Here we have another
of those improbable stories about the Allen Sisters.  The hero (whose name
we never learn) is a veritable stud - a wonderful guy who is constantly
willing to service any beautiful woman who shows interest.  Pat and Julie
are incredibly attractive and sexually skilled creatures whose kindness to
the males of the species is exceeded only by their tenderness to each
other.  In this specific story, we have the lovely Daphne, a brown-skinned
French woman whose beauty makes the Allen Sisters look drab by contrast
but who lacks the sexual sophistication that the Girls so readily display.
Daphne appeared previously in French Kiss I, where she fucked Our Hero's
brains out after watching through a peep hole while Julie and Pat
exchanged affections in the adjacent hotel room.

Against this improbably background we might expect that another French
Kiss story would become boring.  I mean, who really wants to read another
buckets of cum story about three energetic people who help this sexy
French woman expand her sexual horizons in a hotel set in a mountain
paradise?  C'est moi!  I honestly do think this kind of story could get
boring; but the author's use of the language enables me to get a clear
picture of what's happening and maintains a sexual tension that makes me
want to keep reading.  Oui!  Eh bien!

Ratings for "French Kiss II" 
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10

"The Present" by Grid  (an475731@anon.penet.fi).  Bill is one of those
guys who are hard to shop for because they have everything; and so for his
birthday Kelly gives him the best present ever - herself as his slave for
as long as he wants her.  Along with the gift of her self comes a large
chest full of bondage toys.  After Kelly presents herself to him, they go
shopping (with Kelly secretly in restraints) before the real festivities
begin; and Bill purchases a roll of duct tape, another roll of clear
packing tape, a small pair of scissors, a men's safety razor, a can of
shaving cream, a turkey baster, and a large stainless steel stirring
whisk. By noting that they did not purchase a salami, any vegetables, or
pop tarts, you can probably predict the general gist of the rest of the
story.

As I have said repeatedly in these reviews, I myself do not get turned on
by the idea of becoming someone's sex slave.  I think mutual respect is an
extremely important part of a relationship, and I simply do not see how I
could respect a person who would enjoy inflicting pain on me.  However, I
think people who like to fantasize about this sex slavery motif would
enjoy this story.  It presents numerous creative situations.  One strong
point of the story is that they emphatically used the "safe word," a word
that the submissive person could say at any time to indicate that the
dominant person was inflicting too much pain and should stop.  In this
case the safe word was "Exon" - a word that Kelly would not be likely to
say by accident.

Last week I was at a bar (actually a pizza parlor) with some of my friends
after we played volleyball.  The Montel Williams show came on the TV
screen, and the guest was a woman who had had her husband arrested and
convicted of domestic abuse and now wanted to get him released from
prison.  The husband and wife had engaged in sexual bondage games like
those described in the present story; and she claimed that she had been
frightened that he would take their child away (or something like that),
and so she went to the police with evidence of domestic abuse - which was
easy to obtain, since he did in fact torture her.  (I may have some of
this wrong, because not everyone sits silently when Montel comes on the TV
in our pizza palace.)  

Anyway, I just sat there listening to this woman and man talk about their
sex games, and I saw nothing unusual about their descriptions.  Hell, I've
survived Deirdre!  What amazed me was that neither Montel nor the person
who claimed to be a psychiatrist on the show nor members of the audience
believed that there were any sane people in the world would do things like
that in the name of love or sexual fun.  When one of my friends scoffed, I
commented that "actually, lots of normal people fantasize about things
like that and even do it in their real life."  I further mentioned that
the sensible ones used a "safe word" to stop the action in an emergency. 
My friends guffawed; but to their dismay the woman told Montel that her
safe word was "green."  I started getting really strange looks from my
friends, and was in danger of either blowing my cover or being classified
as a sex pervert.  So I told them that I had read about it in a back issue
of Cosmopolitan.

I had a point when I started relating this anecdote, but I forgot what it
was.  Since the preceding two paragraphs look interesting, however, I
think I'll leave them here.

Ratings for "The Present" 
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4

STRANGE POSTINGS ON A.S.S..  I downloaded three unusual articles this
week.  One was a plaintive cry from a person purporting to be a high
school girl in need of a good man.  This was the best of the three!  The
second was a "Get Rich Quick" offer; and since I have plenty of free time
and little money, I perused it carefully.  As I understand it, I can
easily earn $25,000 by simply sending a dollar to the person whose name
appears at the top of the list.  I put my name at the top of the list and
forwarded this message to my senator, suggesting that he use this method
to pay off government debts.  His reply, I'm sure, will tell me that the
government is already using a method very much like this.

The third was a brief but "objective" description of why Blacks are the
way they are {apparently because they fell off the evolutionary ladder}. 
I never want to grace this crap with any attention, and so I am burying
this comment away in a recess of my Reviews where only scholars or other
social parasites are likely to see it.  What I find amazing is that these
idiots typically purport to be part of an intellectual elite.  Then people
like this elitist (who cleverly calls himself Phuoc Kieu at Kieu@Viet.com)
give their articles really esoteric titles - in this case "Facts Based On
Theory Of Evolution:  Why Negroes Are an Inferior Race."  It apparently
evades Mr. Kieu's intellect that "facts" by their very nature are never
based on theories - theories are based on facts.  Then he ignores Occam's
razor completely when he asserts that personality and intellectual
deficits that obviously emerged in his own family within only one or two
generations (such as being "barbaric, wild, disorderly, short tempered,
ill disciplined, murderous, incestuous, unmotivated, lazy, and on and on
and on") would occur in a whole race because its members were "a few
thousand, maybe million years short of evolving into a 'full human'
status."  I don't know why they post this stuff on a.s.s. - except maybe
to make us sex perverts look intelligent by contrast!

CELESTIAL WORD USAGE:  A lot of readers enjoy my discussions of word
usage, and so here are two words for this week.  I should point out that
lots of people mess up on the words discussed here; so I'm not saying that
you're an idiot if you use these words incorrectly.  But we want
perfection on this newsgroup!

WAIVER/WAVER.  "Waiver" is actually a noun, related to the verb "waive,"
which means to relinquish - as when the best man waives his right to fuck
the bride right after the wedding.  The word "waiver" often occurs on the
sports page, when a baseball team, for example, seeks waivers in to be
permitted to trade a player to one team when another would have prior
claim.  In the story where I found this, a young lad's "thoughts mainly
waivered around sex."  How would this go?  "Sure, I'd like a piece of ass
from her.  She's been eyeing me all evening.  But, no - you go ahead; I'll
waive my rights on this one."  The author meant "waver."

DISCRETE/DISCREET.  I'm getting a little impatient here.  If there's one
thing I want to get across to you people, it's the difference between
these two words.  Haven't any of you studied discrete mathematics?  Do you
think there's something judicious or circumspect about that branch of
mathematics?  Actually, maybe you did.  As I recall, it sounded a lot
easier than calculus, and so maybe it would be discreet to enroll in that
kind of course.  

One more time....  DISCRETE means "not continuous" or "capable of being
separated into segments."  DISCREET means "judicious or circumspect."

"I looked at her body discretely."  This would mean that the observer
first took a close look at her head, then shifted distinctly to her
breasts, then to her feet - or something like that.  This should be
"discreetly."

One author said that a one of his characters spotted a woman in a bar and
then "courted her discretely for the next half hour." This usage could
make sense - but only if it occurred in a TG story: first he courted the
male personality, then the female, etc.

Likewise, if he *fucked* her discretely, that could mean vaginal sex
<pause> oral sex <pause> anal sex <end of session>.

Indeed, in gang bang stories it would be eminently sensible to be discrete
by getting one of the participants out of the way before the next entered
the lair of Venus.

Of course, in pedophile stories it would be important to be discrete about
sexual activities, especially if the guy is humping both the mother and
the 10-year-old daughter of the county judge.  Depending on what that last
sentence really means, it might be best to be discreet about being
discrete.