~Subject: Celestial Reviews 50 - Jan 6 ~From: celeste801@aol.com (Celeste801) ~Date: 7 Jan 1996 17:29:37 -0500 ~Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories Celestial Reviews 50 - Jan 6, 1996 Note: The proofreading service is in full operation, and people are reporting successful use of it. IF YOU WANT FREE HELP AND FEEDBACK BEFORE POSTING A STORY, contact me, and I'll match you up with one or two of the reviewers. Remember: you're not admitting to being a "bad writer" by asking for a proofreader. Everyone can benefit from having someone to help with their work. For that matter, if anyone wants to look over Celestial Reviews before I post them, I would appreciate the help - but I would need a really fast turnaround time. If others are interested in offering their services as proofreaders, please contact me. - Celeste "A Common Date" by Unnamed Author (romance) 4 "Lawyers in Love" by A. Van Peebles (ff romance) 10 "Partners" by Deirdre (D&s) 8 "Party" by Deirdre (sex slavery & bondage) 5 "Pat" by Deirdre (sex slavery & bondage) 9 "The Dive" by Yuri Voloshin (Underwater sex) 9 "Natalie" by Daniel Shechori (romance & sexy eating) 10 "A Common Date" by Unnamed Author (kheldar@mi.net). This is the first public posting by a new author. I am giving the story this detailed treatment not because I want to give him a rough time but because he is like so many other potential or beginning authors. There was one author whose first story went immediately to a fairly high location on my Top 100 list, but this is actually rare. There were two other authors whose first stories were pretty much like this one but whose later stories made the Top 100 list. See! That's almost twice as likely! And there are many other authors who are going to keep trying to improve and who will write better and enjoy expressing their thoughts more effectively, even if they never get a 10 rating or make the Top 100 list. The story is a detailed description of a romantic session between a man and a woman. I see three main problems with this story. The first is minor: I don't see the point in the title. I guess "common" means "ordinary" - "An Ordinary Date." Even Deirdre uses mundane titles; but I like even hers best when I see the point of the title at least after I have finished the story. Other titles simply make me hungry to read them "In Your Mouth and Mine," "Tammy Gets Even (Better),".... I had better stop before I get distracted. The second problem is more serious: many readers (including myself) find the second person viewpoint to be annoying. (I lightly touch YOUR hair. YOU do this, YOU do that.) I think authors use this approach for two main reasons: (1) They have written the story as a private fantasy for a specific individual and decide to share it with a wider audience without adapting it at all, or (2) They want to involve the reader intimately by making him/her part of the story. Actually, this strategy usually backfires. To the extent that the reader is NOT similar to the person with whom the narrator is interacting, the reader is likely to be alienated by this approach and it will fall flat. For example, the "I" in this story is a man and the "you" is a woman. Male readers are likely to feel put off by the demand to identify with a specific female. (Of course, TG readers will simply change their wardrobe or persona and go on with the story .) Even a female reader like myself is likely to feel a little put off by having to identify myself as Wendy when the narrator ("I") whispers sweet nothings in my ear. To restate it succinctly: the second person approach works only when "you" actually fits the person reading the story. Incidentally, this second person style works extremely well when it is done properly. By this I mean when there is a reason for using that perspective. For example, the Ng Sisters have posted several excellent stories that include correspondence between the two sisters. The "you" is not the reader, but the sister to whom the letter is addressed. This is a stylistic strategy that they manage to implement very effectively. The third problem is that although it is generally well written, the story contains some confusing grammatical mistakes. For example, consider this sentence: "Soon we start to kiss one another again, kissing your neck, your nose, your hair, your cheeks, then I pull your hair away from the back of your neck and kiss the back of your neck, I can feel the goosebumps that this gives you as I lightly kiss you there, almost but not quite tickling you." The "kissing your neck, nose, etc." part is a misplaced modifier. Actually, I can guess what the author means, but this participial phrase literally modifies "we" and means that both of them were doing these things to Wendy. "Then" starts a new clause and should be preceded by at least a semicolon or maybe a period. "I can feel" is an example of a comma splice. These and similar grammatical mistakes are discussed in Celestial Grammar, which I'll try to repost soon. Other mistakes are more obviously the result of simple faulty proofreading: " I kiss as I undo each of your blouse, taking an unlivable amount of time to do it." The author simply didn't mean to say that. "You pull me next to you and I can feel our naked flest pushing against yours." Unless a collaborator has suddenly arrived to make this a gang bang, this should be "my naked flesh." We all make mistakes like that (at least I do) - I just did so in this sentence; but the advantage that authors have is that they can go back and make corrections before they post a story. This may sound unromantic - but I even used to go back and proofread my love letters. I thought it was the polite thing to do, and I really wanted to make sure I turned him on even when I was not personally present. (I used the past tense in the previous two sentences not because I have stopped being in love, but because I communicate more directly nowadays.) That revision process helped land me a partner who has repaid me a bizillionfold for my troubles. {My spellcheck has never seen that word before!} I encourage you to do the same - proofread your love letters, that is, not to send them to my husband. I am not saying that this author is stupid. Quite the contrary, he comes across as a sensitive person who has probably thrilled a specific person with this story. That person loved this story because she had already participated in the events or because she knew the author and could easily imagine him doing these things with her. I myself would rather have someone do these things to me and write to me about them in a faulty style than have a significant other who imitated a corpse during sexual intercourse but could write a good story about his necromantic endeavors. However, if an author wants to share feelings and emotions with a wider audience, it is necessary to take the viewpoint of that audience, and it is useful to follow the rules of grammar a little more carefully. (Rating: 4) "Lawyers in Love" by A. Van Peebles (an182636@anon.penet.fi). Q. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Just two. Most lawyers will screw anywhere. But it may be hard for them to get inside the light bulb. That joke has nothing to do with this story (except it's about lawyers), but humor and social commentary are important components of these reviews. This is one of the best stories involving lesbian love that I have ever read. If someone wanted to write a textbook chapter on how an older woman who identifies herself as a lesbian should begin a romantic relationship with a younger person confused about her sexual identity, this story would provide a good foundation. While realistically portraying the feelings of Kate and Becky, this story avoids such pitfalls as stereotyping people as gays or straights and exploiting a vulnerable young woman who is confused about life. The story doesn't use gimmicks to turn us on. I have never been involved in a relationship like the one described here, but as I read the story I could REMEMBER these things happening to me. What I mean by that is that the author presented the story line so plausibly and authentically that I found myself identifying with the characters and saying to myself, "Yeah, that's the way it was." An important comment that I want to add is that the story was so well written that when I was near the middle of the story and Becky in her drunken stupor first kissed Kate, at least two endings would have been perfectly plausible and acceptable. First, Becky could have realized the value of a lesbian lifestyle for herself and entered into a relationship with Kate. Alternatively, Becky could have found the relationship with Kate to be fulfilling, but could have continued to seek an even more fulfilling relationship with someone else - perhaps with Peter. (Other endings would also be possible and emotionally acceptable.) While reading this story, I was reminded of events and fantasies in my own life. As I point out in my FAQ, I lead a monogamous heterosexual lifestyle, yet I happily admit to enjoying and being turned on by the activities and emotions expressed in this story about a lesbian relationship. I mention this because I think it is important to stress that while sexual identity is obviously important, it is also sensible to avoid premature or inaccurate labeling. I think it is important that people (especially young people) avoid labeling themselves as "gay," "straight," or "bisexual" based on fantasies or isolated experiences. When I was young, I had trouble relating to guys and found myself thinking horny thoughts about other women. I even had a crush on a female teacher. As an adult, I have discovered that nearly all my female friends report similar feelings. In retrospect, I think my feelings occurred because I was shy (or perhaps socially inept) around boys - nearly all of whom were assholes at that time anyway, while the girls with whom I participated in sports seemed to me to be mature, sexy creatures whose tits bounced enticingly when I was with them in the showers and locker rooms. I had access to two highly competent persons at the time (known as parents) who noticed my reactions and convinced me that I was normal - even though they never gave me a specific lecture about it. I think it would have been foolish for me to have concluded at that time that I "was" lesbian. Even now, sexy women turn me on. The cosmetic companies count on them to do so; otherwise I would never buy that overpriced stuff they put into bottles and other containers. I recently had an orgasm while I was alone and watching a woman masturbate in a porn flick.. I also got turned on while reading the sexy lesbian scenes in this story. I don't think either of these admissions make it sensible to say that I "am" bisexual today. I have selected heterosexual monogamy as my lifestyle, and I feel good about it. Because of this choice, I'll never have an opportunity to make passionate love to a sexy woman; but I see no conflict in enjoying a good story about someone else doing so. The label "heterosexual" is also detrimental, but in a more subtle way (because it is more socially accepted in the culture that surrounds me). I enjoy playing with myself. I enjoy it when my husband fondles, kisses, licks, etc. my genitals (or practically anything else, for that matter). By what grotesque stretch of logic am I supposed to believe that it would be UNenjoyable to have a sensitive female partner play with me instead? I'm not going to do it; but that's because of a lifestyle choice (called marriage), not because it would be anything but intensely satisfying to have a luscious little beauty tongue my clit while I felt her juices drip across my face as I buried my face in her pussy. Do I think that reading and enjoying stories about hot lesbian love is likely to "make" me a lesbian? No, I don't. I DO think these stories make it more likely that if something would happen to my present relationship with my husband (for example, if he would die) I would be more likely to consider a lesbian relationship afterwards; but if I were a betting person, I'd still bet on my finding a good man for my next relationship. I guess what I'm saying is that good erotic fiction should and does have an effect on readers; but to the extent that it's realistic and readers have their heads on straight, this is not really a problem. If readers don't have their heads on straight or if the stories give a well written but distorted view of reality, I think such stories can and do cause problems. I'm sorry! I've just realized that I've written 550 words that tend to digress from my topic. I'll stop right now - except to say that I think the logic expressed in the preceding paragraphs applies to other areas as well. For example, enjoying a well written, stimulating pedophile or D&s story does not mean that you "are" a pedophile or submissive or whatever; it just means that you recognize certain sexy aspects of such stories. It is my opinion that regularly reading and enjoying such stories does, in fact, make it more likely that the person reading and enjoying them would engage in these activities if given a chance to do so and if there were no good reasons to refrain. If that presents a problem (as I think is the case with rape and pedophila), the solution is not to blame or denounce the stories, but rather to look for and give importance to legitimate, sound reasons why such behaviors need to be avoided - perhaps by reading or writing stories that show more realistic consequences. (One of the stories on my Top 100 list did just that. In "Raped Teen Burglar" TEX took a story about how much fun it would be to rape a teenage girl and turned it into a vivid description of the likely consequences of that kind of activity.) These insights may obvious to many of you, and others may disagree with them; but I think I'll leave them in this review. After all, I gave you that great lawyer joke; so a little seriousness may be in order. Back to the story. The first two thirds of the story was about the development of the relationship and contained no sex, and while I read it I thought that maybe the extreme objectivity of the author's style might make the eventual sex scene less than interesting. Not to worry! This is a really good story, and I hope to see more writing by this author. (Rating: 10) "Partners" by Deirdre. It has been a long time since I tried to predict a Deirdre plot from its title alone. As you may recall, I stopped making predictions because I was so successful - getting one right out of the last fourteen that I attempted. Partners could be about law partners - probably lesbians, one of whom dominates and beats the other while that person enjoys it and begs for more. Or they could be simply sex Partners - banging away like minks in heat. Or they could be Partners in a common endeavor of some sort - like working together to overcome world hunger, build a better mousetrap, or fuck the brains out of someone else. After reading the story, I can report that one of my guesses was reasonably close. The overall premise is that a man discovers that a woman is a lesbian and she tells him that she's not turned off to men - there are just certain things that happen during sex with men that turn her off; and if she can call all the shots she'll let the man have sex with her. Actually, this is something I've often wondered about: why wouldn't a girl who likes to have another girl fondle her pussy, suck her clit, and ram a dildo up her ass enjoy the exchanging the same favors with a nice guy; and if the guy likes doing these things, what's the problem? In the world of Deirdre, at least, there is no problem. (Rating: 8) "Pat" by Deirdre. I'm on a roll now. I have gotten one of Deirdre's plots partially right in a row. So I am going to read just the first paragraph of this story, and then I'll tell you the whole plot. The narrator has returned home from college and finds that Mom has become quite diffident, while sister Cheryl now exudes unusual confidence. Piece of cake! Cheryl has obviously used mind control strategies to turn Mom into her sex slave, probably under the supervision of an as-yet-unintroduced dominatrix named Pat. Slight modification: drop Pat the Dominatrix; in the second paragraph Cheryl PATS mom on the ass, amply justifying the title and allowing me to apply Occam's razor to eliminate the superfluous dominatrix. After reading the story, I can tell you that I was so close that I'm going to count this as two in a row. I think the dominatrix is actually Myra's mother, about whom I could have known nothing in the first paragraph. This is a weird story. (Rating: 9) "Party" by Deirdre. A girl with no social life and few social skills is taken to a party by her roommate, who gets her to agree to bondage games in exchange for mild sexual favors. The descriptions are interesting, but the story doesn't really get off the ground. Maybe I missed something. (Rating: 5) "The Dive" by Yuri Voloshin (yqv7599@is.nyu.edu). The man has invented an extremely lightweight piece of scuba equipment that converts water to oxygen. A side benefit is that it enables such easy maneuverability underwater that it is possible to have sexual intercourse without surfacing; and that's what this story is about. The story is extremely short, but it achieves its purpose of describing sexual activity in a highly romantic environment. I liked this story. (Rating: 9) "Natalie" by Daniel Shechori, (s1719104@techst02.technion.ac.il). Viewers of American commercial television are likely to be familiar with a man named Lucky - a well-built hunk who takes a break everyday, while all the ladies in the nearby buildings gather at the windows to watch him ingest a Diet Coke. Natalie is Lucky's a.s.s. counterpart. She and the narrator take turns on successive workdays eating sexual lunches. It starts with an innocent grape a la Cleopatra and quickly moves on to the guy licking a peach with a gentle ferocity that strangely resembles cunnilingus. This is a really sexy story, even though the main characters never get within ten feet of each other. In fact, the narrator professes to know absolutely nothing about Natalie, which isn't even her real name. But somehow, they keep coming back to each other each day at lunch. How sweet! Pass the bananas, please. (Rating: 10)