~Subject: Celestial Reviews 48 - Dec 23 ~From: celeste801@aol.com (Celeste801) ~Date: 23 Dec 1995 12:45:50 -0500 ~Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.d Celestial Reviews 48 - Dec 23, 1995 Note: I am going to take a vacation from writing my reviews during the holiday season. I'll post on December 23, but the next issue will be on January 3. In between those dates I'll post no new reviews, but I will post my list of TOP 100 STORIES OF 1995. I'll also repost reviews of all those stories. Second Note: The proofreading service is in full operation. IF YOU WANT FREE HELP AND FEEDBACK BEFORE POSTING A STORY, contact me, and I'll match you up with one of the reviewers. Remember: you're not admitting to being a "bad writer" by asking for a proofreader. Everyone can benefit from having someone to help with their work. For that matter, if anyone wants to look over Celestial Reviews before I post them, I would appreciate the help - but I would need a really fast turnaround time. If others are interested in offering their services as proofreaders, please contact me. - Celeste "Neighbor2" by Deirdre (I'm not sure) 8 "Neighbor3" by Deirdre (whipping) 7 "Niece" by Deirdre (ff sex) 9 "Christmas Presents" by Anonymous (transgender) 10 "Piggy and Thong" by Casual K9 (exhibitionism & voyeurism) 8 "Stephanie Between the Stars" by Stephanie (transgender) 8 "The Fortieth Floor" by Asshmuck (utopian sex) 10 "Hester" by Friar Dave (oral sex) 10 "Dear Sir Stephen" by Catholic Guilt (bdsm) 8 "A Train Ride Marked by a Crying Baby" by Eli the Bearded (masturbation) 2 "Barfly" by Dys (bar pickup) 10 "A New Friend" by Anonymous (ff sex, threesome, & voyeurism) 9 I get two conflicting sorts of comments from readers regarding my reviews of Deirdre's stories: (1) Thank you for reviewing so many of Deirdre's stories, and (2) Why do you review so many of Deirdre's stories? I review so many because someone has graciously sent me advanced copies and has offered to repost the stories synchronized with my reviews. I am not giving Deirdre an unfair advantage. I try to do the same for any author with an established reputation who sends me the stories in advance. It's just that Deirdre is somewhat more prolific than most authors and her stories are short and easy to read in one sitting. That plus she has somehow made me her sex slave. I didn't know that was possible through mere electronic, verbal intercourse. "Neighbor2" by Deirdre. Brenda is the sexy neighbor. Lauren is her sexy daughter. One day the Guy who tells the story happens to look at Brenda as she drives away and Lauren insightfully suggests that the Guy might like to fuck Brenda. She promises to make all the arrangements. He forgets about the conversation, but one day Lauren invites him to a motel. When the Guy arrives, Lauren is seated outside a motel room and explains that she has told Brenda that a rich guy (other than Our Guy) would like to fuck her blindfolded and in handcuffs. Brenda, who would presumably not have sex with Our Guy if she were simply asked to do so, has agreed to this plan of action. The Guy enters the room, and everything is as Lauren described. Now at this point, stop and think. What are the chances that Our Guy is going to enter the motel room, fuck Brenda, and then happily go on with his life? If you guessed that something kinky was going to happen, you were right. The camcorder that I forgot to tell you about would have been a good clue. Anyway, all this kinky stuff improves the Guy's and his wife's sex life - and, as they say, no harm no foul! This was a strange story! (Rating: 8) "Neighbor3" by Deirdre. "I had this vision of discovering an amazing thing about my neighbors." Thus spake Deirdre in her prologue. Now I want you to understand that I have the greatest respect for Deirdre. However, I also have a vague fear that she may be MY neighbor. And I want to stress that I don't really think that Deirdre is a pervert. After all, if we look at Alfred Hitchcock, Sherwood Anderson, and Edgar Alan Poe, at least one of them was pretty much a sane, stable member of society. Nevertheless, when I read this prologue, I couldn't help anticipating that Deirdre was going to discover something a little more shocking than that her neighbors were aliens who used their basement to sell Tupperware to Jehovah's Witnesses. Actually, I was a bit disappointed. What these people do, they do in the privacy of their backyard, surrounded by a big, high fence. Why do you think people have those fences, and what do you think we call them privacy fences? I've seen kinkier neighbors in over half of Deirdre's stories. I think this one would have benefited from some aliens or some Tupperware or even some Jehovah's Witnesses. Nevertheless, this was an excellent review, and I still respect Deirdre. (Rating: 7) "Niece" by Deirdre. "Doesn't it affect you to see someone like that?... Don't you ever think of having sex with her?... Good, I'll ask her!" It's conversations like this between niece and aunt that make aunts yearn for the good ole days when discussions of sex with adolescents was taboo! Nevertheless, Deirdre is back in form here - interesting twists and surprises in the plot! I was left mildly disappointed at the ending. I was expecting a few more surprises. Deirdre or somebody oughta write "Niece2" or "Neighbor4" or "Affect" - any of which, of course, would be this story with a different ending. (Rating: 9) "Christmas Presents" by Anonymous. Ray (Rachel) and Jack (Janice) are both computer geeks and crossdressers. Neither is gay; but they discover that when they want to pass as female in public they can minimize risk of exposure by having one (dressed as a male) date the other (dressed as a female). They like one another. As a grammarian, I stated that last sentence carefully. If there were only two persons, I would have said, "They like each other." But actually Ray and Jack like each other; Ray and Janice like each other; and Rachel and Jack like each other. So they like one another, although only two of them are ever present at any one time. Isn't grammar wonderful? As time passes the guys get better at crossdressing and enjoy taking greater risks. They are even more successful as computer geeks and become wealthy. At the annual TV dinner (in San Francisco TV does not stand for television) Jack wins an award as most improved TV while Ray takes first place in the evening gown event. Now at this point, the idea hit me: "Wouldn't it be a great plot if.... "; and that was exactly the plot of the rest of the story. I enjoyed the story even though I thought I knew how it would end. If you want a clue, read the next paragraph. If you don't want a clue and prefer to be surprised by this really creative plot, skip the next paragraph. Clue: Skip this if you want to be surprised. Clue: Think O. Henry. Further clue: If you haven't guessed it yet, think "Gift of the Magi"! If you haven't guessed the plot yet, you're not very familiar with American literature. Read this story; but then you won't be surprised when you read O. Henry's story. End of clue. You can resume reading now. So they make a bet. Each will live as a woman during the following year, and whoever does the best job (as adjudicated by the TV club) will win a vast sum of money and will obtain the services of the loser as a personal maid for a period of one year. For perfectly sensible reasons that are too complex to discuss here, they cancel the bet but continue to live and work as women, and Sally (that is, Walter the doctor) moves in with them as their maid. It would also be too complex to explain why Ray finds himself as a client at the Institute for the Amelioration of Gender Dysphoria. And finally comes the surprise ending. As I have read TG stories, I have learned that crossdressers have problems that we more blase people hardly even think about. For example, if a guy is dressed like a girl in a bar and gets carded, what does he/she do about the picture and information on the driver's license? And novice male CD's have problems typing with those long fingernails. I have also learned that TG stories are often very creative. I have no urge to become a crossdresser myself or to become sexually involved with one, but I find the ideas in stories like this one to be extremely creative - not *sexually* stimulating, but very creative and *intellectually* stimulating. Although this story could benefit from a good proofreading, I am going to let its creativity completely override its grammatical inadequacies and give it a perfect rating. (Rating: 10) "Piggy and Thong" by Casual K9. (Casual K9@aol.com) Kathy has a nice-looking ass that is disproportionate to the rest of her sexy body. She also has foot-fetish feet, with wrinkled soles, painted nails and plump, rounded perfection. Add those features to her snorts and squeals and we get the nickname Fat Ass Kass or Piggy. We'll go with Piggy, since that's in the title. The plot of the story centers around Piggy sunning herself at the private pool in a skimpy thong while her husband goes off to play golf. Each day some scrawny kids come to gawk at her and she flirts with them and then tells her husband about it in the evening. This indirect voyeurism turns him on, and they fuck their heads off each night. Eventually Piggy lets the two boys fuck her multiple times; and unknown to everyone her husband watches and enjoys what he sees. The story is clearly written and the orgy scene is pretty hot. If you're looking for a plot, however, there are no interesting twists or character development. The only reason for the sex is because Piggy is a slut and likes it. I guess that's better than no reason at all. (Rating: 8) "Stephanie Between the Stars" by Stephanie (an266891@anon.penet.fi). Stephanie gets bored and heads for Hollywood to put some zest into his life. That's right, Stephanie is a crossdresser. She starts by giving the bellboy a blow job for his tip; and the young man graciously accepts this gratuity in lieu of the customary 15% - hardly losing a stroke when a cock pops out of the panties of the the beautiful young woman whose bags he carried. (This would shock a bellboy in Sulfur Springs or Muncie; but hey, this is Hollywood.) The next day she gets into the Paramount lot (by giving the security guard a blow job) and heads for the Star Trek set, where she finds herself sneaking into Kate Mulgrew's trailer, where Kate is having passionate sex with Nana Visitor. When they catch her (I mean him - I never know what to call a person in a TG story!), Stephanie asks the startled women for their autographs. The movie stars, realizing that autographs hardly contribute to the plot of a sex story, discover that she is a he and decide to have sex with him. Well, to make a short story even shorter, they not only fuck their brains out, but they give Stephanie a permanent pass and get him a role as an extra! I'm pretty sure this is story fiction, because my sources tell me that Kate Mulgrew herself is really a guy. This is an interesting story, but it's not one of Stephanie's best. I admire Stephanie's stories because of their interesting twists in the plot. In this case, there are almost as many surprises in this review as there were in the story! (Rating: 8) "The Fortieth Floor" by Asshmuck (Dillweeder@aol.com). The most significant characteristic of the fortieth floor is that the people who "work" there don't actually do anything except have sex whenever they want to do so. What kind of place is this? Is this a government job? Is this where those AOL consultants go when they're not giving advice to confused a.s.s. users? Is this heaven? You'll have to read the story and find out. It's a creative story; and I might add that my description of this as "utopian sex" is not all that far off. (Rating: 10) "Hester" by Friar Dave. Hester and Dan have a wonderful sex life, except that she feels bad because she doesn't like to swallow his cum. One day she returns from a self-improvement retreat with the news that she has undergone self-hypnosis, and now whenever she hears the word "honey" she is possessed by an overwhelming horniness that won't subside until she gulps down a healthy dose of cum. This strategy works, and pretty soon cum swallowing is her favorite thing - she even resorts to special herbs that help Dan generate more cum so that she'll have more to swallow. Indeed, she begins to like his cum so much that she cancels the keyword - no more "honey," just suck and swallow whenever she feels turned on. But a problem develops: Dan discovers that the ONLY type of sex Hester wants is swallowing his cum; he wants some cuddling and some ordinary sex as well. And he has this pain in his crotch. So here we have a paradoxical reversal of the stereotypical sex problem: the guy is getting too much excellent head and has to figure out a way to get the woman to cuddle and let him lick her pussy and whisper sweet nothings from time to time. My personal opinion at this point was that the mistake was in choosing "honey" for the trigger word. I would have gone with "Rumpelstiltskin" or "avatar" or some other incredibly obscure word. Ooops! That wouldn't work. We might have her going on her rampage while taking the SAT or GRE or while doing the monthly vocabulary quiz in Readers Digest or listening to a news report about the finals of the National Spelling Bee. Well, you'll just have to read the story to see how they resolve this issue. (Rating: 10) "Dear Sir Stephen" by Catholic Guilt. The subs (submissives) are in rebellion against the doms (dominants) throughout America! It's disgusting! The subs have become aggressive and have begun to initiate and enjoy sexual activity! They are topping from the bottom! What will the doms do? Is this the end of Paradise as we know it? Is this Armageddon? I don't know, but it's an interesting idea. I find it interesting that my spellcheck acknowledged neither submissives (with the s) or doms but it did know Armageddon when it say the word. The reason this gets less than a 10 is because it's not really a full story. I got this off rec.arts.erotica. Maybe the author will repost it on a.s.s.; or maybe someone will post guidelines for getting old stories off r.a.e. (Rating: 8) "A Train Ride Marked by a Crying Baby" by Eli the Bearded. A month of so ago one of the readers asked me to review several stories from rec.arts.erotica. That service, she noted, was coming back to life; and since the stories there were screened, it seemed likely that they might be of higher quality than ordinary alt.sex.stories entries. Enough is enough! This story is about a man riding a nearly empty train car. There is a woman with a crying baby riding the same car. When the baby cries to much, the mother opens her double-jointed mouth and swallows the kid whole. The man finds this incredibly erotic and masturbates while it happens. This story reminds me of some of my own really interesting dreams. When I used to awaken at 2:00 a.m. I used to think, "Wow! What a neat dream!" The next morning I would vaguely recall the dream and say to myself, "I wish I could remember that really great dream." My husband suggested that in order to avoid additional losses to posterity, I should keep a notepad by the bed. Two nights later I had another Really Great Dream. In the semi-asleep state that accompanied my return from the bathroom, I wrote a few lines to remind myself of the dream. The next morning I brought the notepad to the breakfast table at eagerly read what I had written. It was nonsense; but it did serve to remind me of the entire dream. The dream was also nonsense. It was a really dumb dream that seemed interesting because I was too sleepy to be critical. I think this kind of dream experience is fairly universal. But I don't think these dreams are interesting enough to write down and post as stories for others to read. (Rating: 2) "Barfly" by Dys (dramis@cts.com). "Like a little company? "Why? You got one to sell? The guy is trying to pick up a beautiful woman in a bar. Lines like that might make my heart melt, but this lady is a veteran. But the guy is successful, and they leave together to retire to more private quarters. To impress her, he takes her to the company suite at an expensive hotel. For a story that begins with such a tawdry pickup line, this is a surprisingly hot and creative story. (Rating: 10) "A New Friend" by Anonymous (lisabent@aol.com). The woman is longing to find someone to videotape her and her boyfriend having sex. As good fortune would have it, a beautiful woman makes passionate love to her in the shower at the fitness center; and so she enlists this lady as her video technician for the evening's festivities. Debbie carries out her role to perfection; and fortunately the VCR has a tripod and an automatic function that enables Debbie to join the action. When John later goes to work, the woman invites Dawn over for a visit, and the three ladies enjoy popcorn while they watch the tape. At this point, I said to myself, this sounds just like a porn movie, except that they don't have a two-headed dildo. I spoke too soon. Debbie carried one in her purse and the three frolicked with it while they finished the video and all three came in a simultaneous climax. As I have suggested, this story has about as much plot as a typical porn movie; but hey! it's a GOOD porn movie! (Rating: 9) SPECIAL BONUS: REVIEW OF A SCIENTIFIC SEX REVIEW! I cannot resist a slight digression. I realize that sophisticated Internet wizards routinely cast aspersions on the intellectual naivete of AOL users; but let me point out a major advantage of AOL for a.s.s. We have access to Scientific American Online, which in the January 1996 issue reviews several books that deal with the topic of sex. According to Scientific American, researchers Baker and Bellis (whose names are strangely reminiscent of a couple of MTV cartoon disk jockeys) have reported that female orgasm plays an important role in competition for sperm during both current and future copulatory activities. Alt.sex.stories verifies this theory at least fifty times a day - not counting wannafucks. The same researchers support their own Kamikaze Sperm Hypothesis with research by R. A. Beatty showing that some bulls sire substantially more calves than others when their sperm is mixed with that from other bulls. Beatty found, however, that bulls that perform well in sperm competition also perform well in its absence. Alt.sex.stories offers anecdotal information to support this theory with human beings; however, when we on a.s.s. use non-human animals, we are more likely to employ dogs or wolves - and perhaps an occasional ferret. ("Trouser snake" and "pussy" have purely metaphorical meanings.) It is worth noting that at least some of the a.s.s. stories involving non-human animals are described as "true." (Stories involving inhuman as opposed to non-human sexual activity are also fairly common on a.s.s.) No bull for us on a.s.s.! The author of the review (a chap with the improbable name of Peter D. Sozou of the department of biology at Birkbeck College, University of London - I'm pretty sure it's really Dr. Suess) considers the ideas of Baker and Bellis to be "provocative"; but nearly all the stories I have reviewed in the past six months are at least equally provocative. Indeed, Baker and Bellis have hardly paid any attention at all to the obvious relevance of handcuffs and whips. Anal penetration of virgin inmates in prisons would seem especially pertinent to the Kamikaze Hypothesis. All this and more is covered almost daily in a.s.s. A serious problem with the B&B research is that literally all their work has been done with men with diminutive sex organs compared to those prevalent on a.s.s. Their women are practically virgins - many of them having sex even less than once a day. Where do they FIND people like this? Certainly not on a.s.s., where the average penis is nine inches in length and the women take it up the ass more frequently than the B&B folks get it at all. B&B have apparently never even heard of mind control! Paul R. Abramson and Steven D. Pinkerton offer somewhat more useful insights in "With Pleasure." Their central argument is that sex is for pleasure, not procreation, because it is usually pleasure that provides the motivating force for human sexual activity. (They apparently got paid for finding this out!) The reviewer points out that this line of reasoning, of course, would seem to lead to the tautological conclusion that the purpose of any action is to satisfy the motivation for carrying it out; but we on a.s.s function well in a tautological world. I think Abe and Pinky may have plagiarized some of their findings. For example, we learn that among the Mangaians of Polynesia "a 'good' man is able to bring his partner to climax two or three times for every one of his. The Sambia of Papua New Guinea have practiced ritualized fellatio, believing that "the ingestion of older men's semen is essential to masculine development." I'm pretty sure I have read these "conclusions" as plots in a.s.s. stories within the past few months. Either these guys are inserting our stories into their results or Abramson and Pinkerton are the real-life names of Backrub and someone I have not yet fully identified. These researchers should check out Sue's "Cocktail Table" or Estragon's "War Games" for some really interesting rituals. On the brighter side, Abramson and Pinkerton offer an impassioned defense of pornography, arguing that it represents a moral counterculture and hence deserves the same protection as the scientific thoughts of Galileo and Darwin. This would put critics of porno stories in a class with, say, Samuel Johnson or at least Andy Rooney. They claim that opponents of pornography have "a shared opposition to nonprocreative sexuality." That's putting it mildly. Finally, Merideth (Tutu) Small elaborates on her fascination with primate and human sexuality in "What's Love Got to Do With It?" She argues that women are just as motivated as men to have sex and are just as promiscuous by nature. They PAY these people to do this research, and here I am reviewing these stories for FREE! Anyway, I thought you might enjoy these scientific tidbits. I sent this review to Scientific American, but they declined to publish it. However, since I submitted it, I've noticed a few new wannafuck authors in the past week on a.s.s., and I suspect these are Sci Am editors lurking with the authentic cultural elite. In addition, that Hot Coed Who Will Fuck Anybody says she has received an interesting series of e-mail messages from Birkbeck College, University of London