~Subject: Celestial Reviews 5 Repost
~From: celeste801@aol.com (Celeste801)
~Date: 9 Aug 1995 12:16:38 -0400
~Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.d

Celestial Reviews 5 - July 22, 1995 - by Celeste

      "Deliberate" by David Cain (anal sex) 8.5
      "Window View" by David Cain (exhibitionism) 7.5.
      "Dream Sitter 1 & 2" by The Court-Jester 1
      "TEX Raped Teen Burglar" by Tex (rape & revenge) 10
      "Star Wars: Tie Fighter" by Walter Slaven. (sci fi  & hot sex) 10
      "Mysterious Ms" by Le Lalique (sex with mystery woman) 7
      "The Golden Goddess" by Twiddler (straight sex) 6
      "A Nice Plain Story" by Richard Harris (gentle love) 7.5
      Scene from the Cabin" by TropicCool (sweet romance) 9.99


"Deliberate" by David Cain.  Too many of the stories I've been reading
portray anal sex as an act of degradation.  I can see the logic and
emotion of some anal sex as being degrading.  (For example, my
understanding is that in biblical times the soldiers of the victorious
armies used to buttfuck the losers as a symbol of humiliation.  Hence, the
apparent condemnation of sodomy in the bible.) But the taboo against anal
sex is basically silly (as long as participants follow health
precautions), and so violating it can be fun and harmless.  When my
husband gives it to me up the ass, we are doing something "dirty" together
that feels really good and isn't hurting anybody.  I liked this story,
because it caught the spirit of breaking the anal taboo without
degradation.  I also like the way the author throws in his "words of
wisdom" and observations on life without disrupting the flow of the story.
 (Rating: 8.5)

"Window View" by David Cain.   This is an adaptation of a story by
Boswell.  I didn't catch the original, but I enjoyed this one.  A sexually
hot, naked woman opens the front door, expecting to flash her husband, but
she accidentally flashes the newspaper boy as well.  Some time later she
deliberately makes hot love to her husband while she knows the boy and his
friend are watching.  (Rating: 7.5)

"Dream Sitter 1 & 2" by The Court-Jester.  If you're new at writing
stories, READ THIS REVIEW.  In his introduction, the author of the story
expresses dismay that nobody seems to be responding to his stories.  Here
are the reasons why I think no one is responding:  (1) Each chapter is
three parts long.  That requires an investment of a lot the potential
reader's time.  Something interesting had better happen early in the story
to make others want to spend that much time.  (2)  The writer spends way
too much time on irrelevant details.  Most readers don't care if the
protagonist of the story has brought his toothbrush with him (unless he
plans to do something interesting with it).  (3)  The grammar and
punctuation are really pretty bad.  Most readers are not going to grade
authors of sex stories on their grammar, but the grammar in this story is
just plain distracting.  Stories with really bad grammar gave the
impression that the author has just written them off the top of his head
and hasn't even taken the time to proofread them.  Most readers consider
this to be rude - especially if the author is asking them to spend a lot
of time reading the story.  Added to the first two problems, this makes it
unlikely that a person will want to bother continuing, especially if there
are viable alternatives (like other stories on a.s.s. that don't have
these problems).  Even worse, most readers will flag other stories by this
same writer and deliberately avoid reading them.  No kidding.  This
happens a lot.  Most writers can get rid of almost all their obvious
mistakes by proofreading just once.  Since almost all writers for a.s.s.
use a word processor, it's extremely easy (and even fun!) to make
corrections.  I myself have reread this specific review three times and
have made changes that made me feel more comfortable with what I was
trying to say.  I may fail, but at least I give readers the feeling that I
am trying to communicate with them.

After these first three problems, many readers will have already given up.
 But the ones who are patient or who (like me) have already invested the
time to download all three parts of the story will do what I did - they'll
skip ahead to see where the sex scenes are.  I found one scene, and it was
really pretty good.  (So this guy's a lover, not a scholar! That ain't all
bad!)  The sex scene that I read was sensitive and provocative.  In his
sex scenes the excessive details aren't so bad: I think it's fun to know
what each of the young people are thinking while they're starting to have
sex on the dining room table.  On the other hand, even in the sex scenes
some details get boring.  For example, the author spends too much time
telling us what the right hand and left hand are doing, when there's no
point in this specific detail.

So here is my advice to budding writers of erotica who feel they are being
neglected by their public: (1)  Have an angle (topic, point of view, or
whatever you want to call it) and introduce it early.  Give the readers a
reason to want to read the story.  (2) Don't waste your time with
irrelevant details.  (3) Use an effective writing style.  It is sometimes
effective to write in a deliberately illiterate style in order to achieve
an effect (Note my extremely effective use of the word ain't in the
preceding paragraph!); but even people who say they don't care about
grammar become turned off when writing becomes just plain confusing.  (4) 
Make the sex scenes achieve the effect you want.  Not all sex scenes need
to be "hot"; but this writer wanted to achieve that effect.  He has made a
decent start, but he can improve this by following the first two rules.

Incidentally, I discuss with my students only the first three rules. 
These rules work even in stories written for bible classes.  The fourth
rule is unique to this specific newsgroup.

Again, I am writing this review this not because I want to pick on
somebody, but because the writer asked for it by putting the <*> in his
title line.  It takes courage to ask for help and advice; and I respect
that kind of eagerness to improve.  There are a lot of other stories in
a.s.s. that have the same problems; and if those writers followed these
four rules, I think they'd get a lot more favorable reaction to their
stories.  

If this advice helps anybody, I'd like to know about it.  On the other
hand, if this advice turns vast numbers of conscientious young scholars
into really great writers of smut, I'm not sure I want to hear about it. 
I hope to see other (and better) stories by The Court-Jester.  (Rating: 1)

"Raped Teen Burglar" by TEX.  This is a fiendishly clever story.  TEX has
taken another story (by Dachthyus) and has modified it to give it a
completely different impact.  In the original story, Dan has a good ole
time raping a teenage girl whom he catches burglarizing his house; and the
story ends with her becoming his permanent sex slave.  The new version
continues with Dan being arrested and convicted of rape.  Almost the
moment he enters the prison, "Danny girl" is himself raped and humiliated
by another prisoner; and it seems likely that Dan will become his
permanent sex slave.  I won't ruin it by telling you the ending.

I would never have noticed or downloaded this story, except that TEX sent
me a personal copy with a request that I review it.  I didn't see the
original; and so I'll just accept TEX's word that the first half of his
revised story is word-for-word the original.  The brilliant thing that TEX
has done is that he uses almost *the exact same words* to describe what is
happening to Dan as Dachthyus used to describe what Dan was doing to
Melissa - and the effect is dramatically different.

I showed this story to my husband, and he remarked that it reminded him of
a "real good Death Wish movie."  He meant that as one of his highest
compliments.  (That's right, fans, I'm married to a person who would
rather watch a Charles Bronson movie than read an Ann Douglas story!)

I don't know whether TEX is the nom de plume of a moral crusader or just a
really good writer.  What I do know is that the revised story gives a
different insight into the value of raping "little virgin girls with ripe
young bodies."  Incidentally, if you want to get this one from the current
postings, it's listed as TEX Raped Teen Burglar 1/2 and 2/2. (Rating: 10)

"Star Wars: Tie Fighter" by Walter Slaven.  The author was kind enough to
send me a review copy of the first three chapters of this story.  The
fourth chapter just appeared in a.s.s. along with reposts of the earlier
chapters; and so I'll post this review now, even though I have not yet had
time to read the most recent posting.  If you enjoy science fiction of the
Star Wars variety, this is a really good story.  I liked it because the
sex is really hot and fits in nicely with the plot.  The best comparison I
can make is to a good James Bond novel.

A lot of readers will be hesitant to download something that goes on for
twelve parts - with possibly more to come.  But this one is worth it. 
(Rating: 10)

"Mysterious Ms" by Le Lalique.  A man gets pulled into a dark hotel room
and makes passionate love to a woman he never actually sees - before,
after, or during the lovemaking. I like the basic idea of the fantasy; but
somehow I think the author could have pulled it off a little better.
(Rating: 7)

"The Golden Goddess" by Twiddler.  This is a very short account of a man
screwing his very sexy next door neighbor.  This is well written, but I'd
like to see a little bit more happen.  (Rating: 6)

"A Nice Plain Story" by Richard Harris.  Another short but romantic bit. 
These two writers should get together.  Twiddler writes more clearly; he
separates his ideas, but his sexual activity is mostly mechanical.  Harris
succinctly describes the emotions (the reasons why they're doing what
they're doing), which turns this into a love story rather than a sex
story.  But he runs everything together into a single paragraph.  I added
paragraphs to my copy and reread it, and I liked it better.  (Rating: 7.5)

"Scene from the Cabin" by TropicCool.  This is a beautiful story - one of
the best I've read.  However, most of the readers out there will hate it,
however, because there's no hot sex in it.  Just love and sentiment and
all that wonderful stuff that makes hot sex so wonderful when it happens
too.  I have to commend the author for resisting the temptation to throw
in the hot stuff.  I desperately want to give this story a 10, but I just
can't bring myself to give a perfect rating to a an alt.sex.story that's
not about sex.  (Rating: 9.99)