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Subject: {ASS} Celestial Reviews 227 - Oct 22
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Celestial Reviews 227 - October 22, 1997
Note: A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes
one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right
away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed, he begins to stroke her
thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
abnormalities."
"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do
you know what I'm doing now?" he says.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse
with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
Second note: This older couple met at a bar and one thing led to another and
he ended up going to her place. Things got hot and heavy and pretty soon
clothes started coming off. She stopped and said, "Before we go any further,
I have to tell you I have acute angina." "That's good," he says, "Because
your tits are sure ugly."
Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for
me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com.
- Celeste
"The High Plane" by Unknown Author (mile-high sex)
10, 10, 10
"Special Treatment" by Eli the Bearded (after the sex)
10, 10, 9
"Identical Twins" by Mike Hunt (on-stage threesome)
10, 10, 10
"The Visit" V.P. Viddler (sexual cruelty) 10, 8, 3
"Pit Stop" by Mary Jorsay Gandmar (voyeurism & hot sex)
10, 10, 10
"The Real Thing" by Jayant Lund (humping the Mistress)
10, 9, 9
"Video Knights In Katmandu" by F. Alyque Simbal (porn movie)
10, 7, 5
"Pimples and Demon" by Jim Fix (emerging adolescent fantasy)
10, 10, 10
Guest Reviews:
"Hunts the Night by H.D. Meister" (slightly furry sex) 4, 9, 9.5
"The Amazing Adventures of Penis Boy" by Unknown Author
(juvenile humor) 5, 2, 0
"Xena: The Bed of the Beast" by Unknown Author (superhero sex)
10, 10, 10
"Mardi Gras Adventure: New Orleans" by Hawk Richards (festival
sex) 2, 5, 3
Reposted Reviews:
* "Deja Vu" by Ann Douglas (nostalgia & romance) 10, 10, 10
* "The Love Boat" by Ann Douglas (ff romance) 9, 10, 10
* "Voortrekkers" by Uther Pendragon (sexy memories & romance)
10, 10, 10
* "Awakenings" by Annette (virgin to slut transition)
10, 10, 10
* "My Wedding" by WouldBeBad (wedding orgy) 10, 10, 10
* "May" by Eli the Bearded (work break) 9.5, 10, 10
* "I Was the Neighborhood Nympho at Twenty" by
Unknown Author (three-way) 5, 5, 5
"The High Plane" by Unknown Author (Reposted by Bookman Archives). This is
another one of those stories about people who get high on sex in airplanes.
Imagine that. Yes, imagine that! I'm a member of the mile-high club myself.
The thrill lies in the possibility of detection even if you try to be careful
plus the knowledge that you're getting by with something about which the other
people around you are unaware - or almost unaware, as is the case in this
story. The author combines two elements - the secret tryst of the lovers in
first class plus their observation by another passenger - to make this a
really good story.
Ratings for "The High Plane"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Special Treatment" by Eli the Bearded (usenet-tag@qz.little-neck.ny.us). In
this case the author simply wanted to try a story that begins AFTER the sex.
So what we have is the narrator doing very nice but not sexually explicit
things to the woman to whom he has just finished making love. It's not
pornography, but it's very romantic.
Ratings for "Special Treatment"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Identical Twins" by Mike Hunt (MrM1ke@aol.com). Sometimes I wonder where
Mike Hunt gets his ideas for these stories; then I remember - these things all
really happened to him. It must be really easy to write titillating stories
when your life has been just one long series of barely interrupted sexual
escapades.
In this episode, Mike Hunt has gone to a business meeting in LA, but he picks
up the wrong luggage at the airport. His wife June calls to tell him that a
woman at another hotel has his suitcase, which is identical to his (hence the
title). When he takes a cab to the other hotel to switch luggage, he
discovers that the person with his luggage is a beautiful woman with a sister
who looks exactly like her (hence the title). To make a long story short
(which is the purpose of a synopsis), the women are strippers in town for a
show; but Mike Hunt ruins one set of their clothes, and so he has to join them
in a modified act during which he has sex with them on stage in front of the
Royal Order of the Beaver.
This is Mike Hunt at his charming, witty best!
Ratings for "Identical Twins"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Visit" V.P. Viddler (Reposted by <spamhater@spam-be-gone.net>). When I
saw about 50 stories by this author being reposted, I decided I would review
one myself and ask a guest reviewer to do another. However, I couldn't get a
guest reviewer to accept the challenge. They all took one look and commented
something like, "I'm interested in sex stories, not torture stories."
When I read this one, I saw exactly what they meant. The story is well
written, in the sense that the grammar is mostly correct and the events follow
one another in a meaningful order. But the plot is illogical in the sense
that the man inflicts terrible and absolutely silly pain and humiliation on
the woman, and she enjoys it - and there's not even a hint of an explanation
why this should be so.
I have seen good stories that examine the mind of demented people. Edgar Alan
Poe has written several excellent stories of this kind; but Poe's stories make
sense in a deranged way. This story gave me no rationale to explain either
the cruel behavior or the woman's acceptance of it.
In addition, I know that there are lots of normal women who enjoy fantasizing
about being raped; but even that is not possible with this story. To use an
analogy, fantasizing over this story would be like fantasizing over the
"pleasures" of being whacked in the head with a two-by-four or of repeatedly
vomiting and then re-swallowing the vomit.
If you're one of the people in the world who just likes descriptions of sick
and bizarre behavior (and I hope there are not many of you), then this whole
series may be of interest to you. Otherwise, don't go here if you're looking
for hot and sexy stories.
Ratings for "The Visit"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 8
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3
"Pit Stop" by Mary Jorsay Gandmar. The author of this story is from India. I
received several of these stories from a person who said that the Indian
connection to the Internet was sort of tenuous. Anyway, I am reviewing three
of the stories in this issue; but I'll wait to see if they actually start
showing up in the newsgroup before I review any more of them. Meanwhile, just
in case these stories don't show up after all, I'll include the following
mini-story, which is loosely related to India, which is what Christopher
Columbus was looking for when he discovered America, which is why I received
no snail mail a week ago Monday.
A guy is strolling down the street in Chicago, and he finds an old lamp. He
picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The genie offers to
grant him one wish. The man replies, "I've always wanted to be lucky."
The genie grants his wish. So off the guy strolls, wondering how this will
change his life, when he spies 10 dollars on the sidewalk. Not a bad start, he
thinks. As he picks up the ten-spot, he notices an OTB betting shop across the
road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named
Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at the Meadowlands. He puts the 10 dollars on
the horse to win, and the horse bolts from behind in the stretch to win the
race.
Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to a local illegal casino, fronts up at
the roulette table, and puts the whole 1010 dollars on "Lucky seven." Round
and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" - Lucky Seven.
Now he's really flying, but he has to go to the bathroom. However, he chooses
the wrong door and winds up in an underground brothel instead. As he enters,
all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and is handed a glass of
champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says in
an Oriental accent, "Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that
you are our lucky 1000th customer. You have won the right to enjoy the
pleasures from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge."
The guy says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl <aha - the
connection!>; and so he's ushered into one of the rooms. In strolls the most
gorgeous subcontinental woman he has ever seen. Not much time passes before
clothing is strewn around the room and they are field testing the Karma Sutra.
At one point the guy pauses and says to the woman, "You are one of the most
beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But
there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that
red spot that you all have on your forehead."
The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sa'ib {I made that part up -
the rest is true, except the Sa'ib}, I am here to please you and succumb to
your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my
caste mark."
So the guy goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans back and
starts laughing hysterically.
"What's wrong, Sa'ib, what's wrong?" asks the Indian woman.
The guy replies, "You're never going to believe this - I've just won a car!"
Anyway, the previous paragraphs are completely unrelated to the current story,
which is about a taxi driver who first watches a couple engage in really heavy
petting in the back seat of his cab and then has wild and wonderful sex with
the young woman after he deposits her boyfriend at his destination. This is
an extremely well written story that maintains sexual tension and interest
most effectively. Watch for it when it arrives from the East!
Of course, we all know that they speak English on the subcontinent, but what
you may not know is that zippers go "krik" when flies come open in India and
cabbies "judder" across intersections - at least when they are voyeurizing the
couple in the back seat. But the linguistic differences are minor: they still
shoot cum, swallow jizz, and shout "Ohfuckyes!" while doing so. They also
have access to some sex drugs that work a lot better than anything I've heard
of in the U.S., but then I just say "Ohfuckno!" to drugs anyway.
Ratings for "Pit Stop"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"The Real Thing" by Jayant Lund. This is another one of the stories from my
Indian Connection. This one is about a wealthy woman giviing her chauffeur
sausage and eggs between the legs. Some things are the same the world over -
muscular young gigolos have to make a living. {I'm not sure that's the
correct plural of "gigolo" - Where is Dan Quayle when you really need him?}
Like the stateside version of many such stories, this one was not as hot as it
could have been: I needed to see something else happening besides the mistress
being humped by the servant and liking it while he called her a "dirty whore.
On the other hand, this is still a pretty good story.
I am perhaps preoccupied with potentially unique subcontinental expressions,
and so I was impressed when "her servant's huge, hot, glorious penis surged
into her wet, clonic cunt." Look that one up in your Fuck and Wagnall's.
Ratings for "The Real Thing"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 9
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9
"Video Knights In Katmandu" by F. Alyque Simbal. (You have to read the
author's name phonetically to get it - kind of like Mike Hunt in the Black
Hole of Calcutta.} This is the third and final of the three stories from
India that I plan to review at this time. This one is a "story" about what
happens on a porn video. The basic problem is that not much "happens" on a
porn video - the thing that porn videos are most notable for besides sex is
that they have no plot. And so a story about a movie that has no plot will
also have no plot.
On the other hand, maybe Larry Flint has just opened his first porn video
store in India, and so Indian men and women might really need this
information.
Now the stereotypes kick in. I know very little about India, except what I
learned from Bob Hope and Abbott and Costello, but I think they have harems
and sex slaves over there. What if this story is written by an author whose
Master said she had better get high scores from "that American Cunt"? What if
as a result of my low ratings for this story, the Master makes her strip down
to nothing but her nipple clamps and let him spank her with a bamboo rod (from
Burma, of course) while she licks the cunts of the other authors of the harem
who have been more successful. Nope - can't do it. I tried to write bdsm
sentence, and it's not even as good as my story about the genie.
Ratings for "Video Knights In Katmandu"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 7
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
"Pimples and Demon" by Jim Fix (jimfix@home.net). This is the seventh story
by Jim Fix that has been reviewed in Celestial Reviews, and all of them have
gotten high ratings. One thing that I have noticed is that my guest reviewers
tend to give him very high ratings in style and plot, but slightly lower
ratings in "appeal to reviewer." I can't be sure, but I suspect that this is
because they have some reservations about the ethical or social soundness of
the behaviors depicted in the stories. That's because this author tends to
write about teenagers having sex with adults.
This story follows that same pattern. The young boy gets a job as a gardener
for a beautiful widow in her 20s, and he quickly discovers that the job has
fringe benefits that he really likes. It's not just a quick-fuck story;
rather the relationship builds from gardening, to conversation, to peach
cobblers, to wild and passionate orgasms.
I suspect that some of my guest reviewers reject the simplistic reasoning that
"if she needs it and he enjoys it, then there's nothing wrong with it." I
agree 100% with their rejection - in real life, that is. However, in the
minds of teenage boys and men who have almost stopped being teenage boys, the
notion of sex with the horny widow is surpassed in their imaginations only by
sex with the lewd and lascivious yet lithe and lovely English teacher.
Anyway, if you like this theme (now that you have permission to do so), you'll
enjoy this story.
Ratings for "Pimples and Demon"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
"Hunts the Night by H.D. Meister" (dez187lm@hotmail.com). Guest review by
Bronwen.
This is a slightly furry tale by an author who isn't too hot at either
spelling or punctuation... He or she can write, though. The atmosphere is
strongly described, the narrative unforced, and the use of language often
fresh. If this is an early story I would very much like to see the author
persist.
Ruthless proofreading would improve this story enormously, but it already has
more than a flicker of star quality. It's difficult to capture the sheer
overwhelming intensity of sexual arousal, but H.D. Meister makes a powerful
attempt. This is how s/he describes the female partner's coming down from
orgasm:
"Carrie simply fell. The ground had not the strength to even slow her descent.
Whirling mists tugged at her limbs, her nipples. Wisps caressed her rose
petal soft flower. The thunder of life boomed, boomed, boomed between her
thighs."
A bit baroque for some tastes, perhaps, but it's not clicheed. It conveys the
subjective experience vividly. This is not the best paragraph, just a short
example. The writing has passion - which is worth a lot to this reviewer.
The plot is confusing, though maybe not if you're a furry aficionado. I don't
know much about werewolf conventions. Has he turned her into a werewolf? Has
he overcome his werewolf nature? Is he a werewolf anyway? I dunno.
OTOH, none of these unanswered questions bothered me much. The story's
atmosphere of mystery, of the unexplained, is not hindered by things _being_
unexplained....
Please work on your editing, H.D. Meister - poor grammar & spelling stand
between the reader and a very good story indeed.
Ratings for "Hunts the Night"
Athena (technical quality): 4
Venus (plot & character): 9
Bronwen (appeal to reviewer): 9.5
"The Amazing Adventures of Penis Boy" by Unknown Author. Guest review by
Bookman. {This is one of those stories that someone sent me but did not put
their name with the manuscript itself. So even though the email came with a
name, I don't know who wrote this. After seeing this review, I guess maybe
that's just as well. - Celeste}
This story reminds me of a joke (he said, postponing the inevitable just a
little longer). It seems Elvis's parents didn't like the idea of him being
called Elvis the Pelvis, because he had a younger brother Eenis.
Are you laughing hysterically?
Well, that's more than you're going to get out of Amazing Adventures of P.B.
Synopsis: There's this kid whose parents decided to name Penis, who suffers
life-long embarrassment about his name, until he's suddenly kidnapped by
aliens (oh, didn't I tell you about the aliens? Talk about deus ex machina.
Talk about 'out of left field'. Talk about something else.), who can't figure
out sex, so they stuff him in an artificial vagina, then. . .
Look, folks, I'm not making this up. Oh, forget it.
Which is also probably the best thing to do with this latest entry in the Not-
Much-Better-Than-Spam Story Contest (you've not heard of this contest? Surely
you've seen some of the entries.). It's not funny, not very well written, and
there's not even any sex by any recognizable description.
Moving on. . .
It is often difficult to combine sex and humor. Not that sex isn't inherently
funny. It is. Dirty jokes have been around ever since we figured out how to
talk; it's just that an explicit, arousing description of sex demands a
certain concentration, a focus, that humor just blasts all to pieces. The
most successful combinations of sex and humor--the dirty joke, French farce,
Italian commedia dell'arte--get away with it by not being explicit. By not
being actually arousing. By skirting the issue, as it were. Or, in the case
of the dirty joke, combining the two, but not at the same time; explicit sex
here, funny comment there. It's illuminating to note that, while many X-rated
movies are built around an extended dirty joke, the sex ends once the punch
line is delivered. It's almost impossible to maintain a sexy mood while
somebody's laughing.
It would be a challenge worthy of the best writers we have to write a
genuinely funny/simultaneously explicitly sexy story. Anybody wish to pick up
the gauntlet?
Ratings for "The Amazing Adventures of Penis Boy"
Athena (technical): 5 (it was at least legible)
Minerva (general appeal): 2
Apollo: (appeal to reviewer): 0 (total waste of time. The only
reason we didn't go into negative numbers was
because it wasn't disgusting.)
"Xena: The Bed of the Beast" by Unknown Author, posted by Dungeon Master
(dungeon@dngnbbs.com). Guest Review by Piper
What happens when you mix Xena, a corrupt government, slavers, evil warlords,
a kidnapped princess, some wizards, and a fortress floating on the back of a
giant turtle? You get madness, mayhem, and a story worthy of becoming a movie
of the week.
This is the last, the longest, and the best of this batch of Xena stories.
It's almost as long as all the others put together. At the same time, it's as
good as all the others put together.
The author states that this story is set after Hercules defeats Xena and puts
her on the path to goodness, and before Xena meets Gabrielle and gains a
travelling companion. So, no Gabby. Instead, Xena hooks up with one of the
kidnapped princess' personal guard. He's young, tall, well-built, and good
looking (of course). He's also striking out on his own to try and rescue the
princess. Naturally, Xena decides to help out.
Technically, this is a very tight story. I was hard-pressed to find any typos
or misused words. Even the English usage, while sometimes not as sharp as it
could be, is still better than the average a.s.s. posting. The only thing
this story lacks is a lot of sex. What there is fits in well with the plot
and storyline, and in my opinion, forcing more in would actually intrude.
There is lots of sexual situations and innuendo, of course, and a fair dollop
of NC stuff (what else would you expect from slavers) to keep you titillated.
This lack, in my opinion, is not a deficiency for this story. Instead, there
is detail, plot, character development, angst, anticipation, and fun. A great
read for people who happen to like adventure stories that actually contain
story.
I hope that whoever the writer is, he/she identifies him/herself, and writes
more stories of this quality.
Ratings for "Xena: The Bed of the Beast"
Technical merit 10
Plot and character 10
Appeal to reviewer 10
"Mardi Gras Adventure: New Orleans" by Hawk Richards (heminway@epix.net).
Guest review by Wherryman.
"New Orleans" is a short story about a brief encounter during the hurly-burly
of Mardi Gras.
I was tempted to stop my review there but Celeste's readers expect depth,
insight, and on occasion, blood - so here goes...
At first I found the style annoying; bitty sentences, idiosyncratic phrasing,
and paragraphs that seemed to be out of order, all made it difficult to
follow. (Read paragraph 3 first.) I could see what the author was trying to
do; recreate the bustle and excitement of carnival time, where everything
seems to be happening at the same time. It didn't work but was I being hasty?
I re-read it.
This time round it was the odd phrasing that leapt out at me, bringing a smile
to face - not the author's intention, unfortunately. Here are some samples:
- Blue eyes searched out her companions, but they found my eyes still riveted
to her. (Dr. Frankenstein strikes again)
- My hands gripped her firm ass cheeks and pulling them apart. (Ouch) - She
unstraddled my hips, (An erotic technique I'm not familiar with.)
Sorry but not even Celeste's proof-reading could save this one - the proof-
reader would qualify for top billing.
Ratings for "New Orleans"
Technical merit 2
Plot & character 5
Appeal to reviewer 3
* "Deja Vu" by Ann Douglas (annd@pop.tiac.net). Ann Douglas placed four
stories among my Top 100 of 1995. I have been keeping a running list for
1996; and if I had to post that list right now, she'd make it four more times.
She'd make it even more often, except that irritating proofreading errors get
in the way. In short, she writes very good stories. Let me tell you her
secrets to success.
First, she writes stories that contain vivid, realistic portrayals of hot sex.
Nearly all the stories on this newsgroup contain sex, and a lot of them
contain hot sex. What Ann Douglas does is to write vivid, realistic
portrayals of hot sex.
Second, her characters are normal people. Some of them are also typical; but
all of them are normal. Although some bible thumpers would disagree, most of
the protagonists are basically moral people. Nearly everything that happens
in her stories (except maybe in the sci fi and comic book stories) is
something that my husband or I have done or could do or at least know somebody
else who has done it. These people are not depraved predators, sex-starved
sluts, contortionists with 12-inch penises, or generally dysfunctional sex
maniacs. I have a soft spot in my heart (as well as somewhere else) for all
the people covered in the previous sentence; but readers like myself do like
to read about normal people. I get the impression that some people would
disagree with me on this point; Ann's characters - they would say - are not
normal, because they are lesbians or at least bisexual. I am not a lesbian.
I think I could enjoy lesbian or bisexual activity; but I won't, because I
have made a life-choice not to. In spite of this, however, Ann's characters
make perfect sense to me. A very large number of readers feel this way. We
enjoy Ann's stories because her characters act the way we think we would act
(or would like to act) in similar situations.
Third, Ann embeds her hot, realistic sex and normal characters in plots that
are intelligent and well developed. A lot of authors try to do this, and
several succeed. What Ann and many of the other successful authors do is
integrate the sex with the plot in an effective manner. Some authors who try
to develop a plot fail because they spend too much time on details that have
no connection with the sex. One of Ann's greatest strengths is that while she
is developing details, she is also developing sexual anticipation by
describing events and information that give us the feeling that something
exciting is going to happen and then later make the sexual activities more
interesting when they finally occur.
Ann also uses other techniques effectively. For example, she's a pro at the
story-within-a-story technique; and her plots are often set in exotic places
or focus on important social issues. But I'm convinced that the three
techniques described in the preceding paragraphs are what make this author's
stories so consistently good.
There! Now that you know all this, you yourself can compose stories that are
every bit as good as those written by this author.
The present story is about Connie D'Angelo and her relationship with her
granddaughter and her memories of her own sexual awakening during adolescence
in the 1950's. Just read the story! It does an excellent job of implementing
the techniques I described earlier in this review.
Ratings for "Deja Vu"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "The Love Boat" by Ann Douglas (annd@pop.tiac.net). This is NOT a parody of
the American sitcom - which was pronounced "The Loooooove Boat," with a lovey-
dovey cutesy intonation that's impossible to duplicate without sound. No,
this is a simple story about two woman who go together for a vacation {i.e.,
holiday for Brits} on a cruise ship that has been chartered for all lesbians -
except for their naive little selves. Let's see - Ann Douglas, non-lesbians
in a lesbian atmosphere - I wonder what will happen!
Well, as you may have guessed, both women begin to wonder what it would be
like to make love to another woman, and pretty soon they become involved in
sapphic delights. However, this is not a purely lesbian story. While the
women are clarifying their sexual identity, there are numerous flashbacks to
their prior heterosexual escapades, and the mf snapshots are just about as hot
as the ff scenes.
A grammatical note: A female person with light colored hair is a blonde.
However, her hair itself is blond. That is, the "e" is properly added to the
word "blonde" only when it is a noun meaning "a blonde person" or when it
directly modifies an entire blonde person, not just a part of her body. So my
blonde friend has a blond pussy. Well, not really; it's brown. But if she
were a real blonde, her hair would be blond not blonde. Lots of people spell
these words differently, but the way I have described is the way it's supposed
to be. Men are usually blonds - without the "e." However, in this story we
had an anomalously bearded blonde bartender.
This story had more grammatical errors than most of Ann's recent stories, but
it was still a delightfully romantic and sexy story.
Ratings for "The Love Boat"
Athena (technical quality): 9
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Voortrekkers" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net). Bob and Jeanette
Brennan are moving out of their apartment. It was "Bob and Jeanette" who had
moved into this apartment; it is" the Brennans" are moving out. These two
people are really in love. Sometimes it's nauseating. I sometimes feel the
urge to exit one of these Bob and Jeanette stories and read a more wholesome,
realistic rape and torture story. But then I keep reading, and I am
invariably glad I did.
I have friends who tease me about my own marriage. They are certain that I am
either simple-minded or lying: nobody can be this happy all the time sleeping
with the same man. {Actually, some of them are certain that nobody could be
this happy sleeping with ANY VARIETY of men.} It would get boring, they say;
and sometimes it does. Some of my friends know what hell is really like,
because they have been married. What's nice about the Bob and Jeanette
stories is that they are realistically and blissfully happy. They have their
ordinary lives where they struggle together with mundane problems, but their
genuine love for each other is a source of strength, stability, and happiness.
At times it gets to where their sex life would HAVE to become boring; but by
God, somehow it gets even better.
I had a friend who was in the perfect marriage. She got divorced last year.
I was disillusioned. This author has a responsibility to keep Bob and
Jeanette together. They're the main source of stability in the lives of
millions of readers throughout the uncensored world. Please, please - don't
let them go the way of Bo and Billie or the other people on the soaps.
These people have become my friends. I was actually excited to hear that
Jeanette has learned French! Ooops... I don't want to spoil the surprise for
you. They keep t'aiming and t'adoring as they drive across the country to
their new home in Boston, where Bob will continue his education and Jeanette
will get a job to continue to make that education possible.
The story is a really outstanding blend of current events and past memories;
and the memories themselves are a wonderful blend of things I myself know
(from previous stories) and new information from the Early Life and Courtship
of Bob and Jeanette; and those memories are a delightful blend of ideas and
events that overlap with my own life and things completely new to me. And the
blends are very sexy.
Come to think of it, in some ways Bob is even better than my husband. For
example, as far as I can see, Bob never farts during really intimate moments.
I think Bob may also be better with his hands, although my husband still seems
to have the edge with regard to his tongue.
I am reminded of my daughter, who makes a similar comment about her birthday
each and every year - this is the best Bob and Jeanette story ever!
Ratings for "Voortrekkers"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "Awakenings" by Annette. The young lady is a naive virgin who has just
graduated from a Swiss finishing school. Her big turn-on is the thought that
when a man penetrates her for the first time it will be to shoot live
ammunition at an unprotected target. She gets all churned up at the idea of
totally unprotected sex with an even chance of being put in the family way.
When a rich guy she really likes comes on strong to her, she tells him her
feelings and says she's just not quite ready yet. Naive? Well, sort of; but
she certainly knows how to keep Alan at bay!
She resolves to be a virgin when she marries Alan; but shortly before the
wedding he gets called away for work for two months overseas, and she goes on
a cruise. The cruise ship is a veritable stud farm; and she mates with the
ships mate. Not to worry; he'll use a condom. Ooops! To hell with the
condom; he'll withdraw. Ooops! To hell with withdrawal; he has a supply of
the RU 462 morning after pill. Ah! Ecstasy (or Ecstacy, as the Brits say);
ten straight days and nights of ecstasy. Ooops! If you've never seen an RU
462 pill, I guess it's easy to confuse them with Relaxatabs.
The story has minor proofreading errors; but if I managed to ignore them, you
can probably do so as well.
Here is a lesson from the English teacher that lies hidden inside me.
Comedians and newscasters frequently talk about oxymorons. They give as
examples "military intelligence," "governmental efficiency," and "honest
lawyer." It may be funny to refer to these as oxymorons, because by doing so
the speaker is suggesting that the military is inherently unintelligent, the
government inefficient, and lawyers dishonest. The problem with those
examples is that they are better examples of humor than of oxymorons.
This author uses a true oxymoron when the protagonist sees her first engorged
penis and refers to as "how beautifully ugly!" That's a perfect oxymoron. I
once heard the person behind me at a wedding ceremony refer to the bride's
"utterly ugly beauty" - making the point that the extreme artificiality of her
makeup was not beautiful at all. There's a famous Latin expression: "festina
lente" - make haste slowly, or as Yogi Berra put it, "Take your time; but
hurry up!" A genuine oxymoron makes a point. In the story, the idea is that
the male sex organ fully engorged with blood is really pretty grotesque if you
look at it objectively; but if you look at it from the potential pleasure it
can give, it's beautiful. This is such a great example; I want so much to use
it as an illustration for my students, but I guess I had better not. American
middle class manners; now there's an oxymoron for you!
Even aside from the oxymoron, the sexual scenes were delightfully graphic. I
strongly recommend this story.
Ratings for "Awakenings"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "My Wedding" by WouldBeBad (WouldBeBad@aol.com). When Bookman reposted this
story, he seemed uncertain of the author. I'm pretty sure this attribution is
correct. In fact, when I reviewed this story back in CR 98, I'm pretty sure I
received correspondence from the author - who was surprised but pleased that I
gave it such high ratings.
The official wedding took place in the bride's parents' church, with a wedding
march, candles, flowers, and lots of guests. In her vows she promised to obey
Michael. To most of the people present, this was just a phrase in the
traditional wedding vows. A select few who were invited to a separate ceremony
later that day knew more specifically what that vow meant. The bride was a
successful stoke broker, and she wanted no more stressful responsibility in
her private life. She had told Michael that she would give herself to him in
the privacy of their home if he would assume all the responsibility. He could
have her as a sex slave, if that meant she didn't have to make decisions.
This sounded like a bargain to Michael; and so now she stood naked except for
a garter belt and a few sensual accouterments in front of a minister and an
audience of 20 people - eager but apprehensive about what would happen next.
This is not your ordinary wedding ceremony. I won't go into detail here. Use
your imagination or read the story. It's very well written.
Ratings for "My Wedding"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "May" by Eli the Bearded (usenet-tag@qz.little-neck.ny.us). The man has
been working too hard late at night, when the woman (May) arrives and takes
him outside into the darkness for a quickie on a blanket in a grove of trees.
This is very sexy stuff - the sort of things Robert Frost skipped when he told
us about New England.
Ratings for "May"
Athena (technical quality): 10
Venus (plot & character): 10
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10
* "I Was the Neighborhood Nympho at Twenty" by Tori Redfern. (Reposted by
Bookman Archives). I think I have the real name of this author - not the
real, real name, of course, but the name under which the author posted the
story. I originally found this story in the THC Archive neatly tucked away
under the title NYMPH1.TXT. Bookman lists it simply as "Neighborhood Nympho."
Dick and Kathy are a young couple who have quarreled at a party. Dick comes
home early. The surprised baby-sitter calls her mother and says something
like, "These people have quarreled, and the husband has come home alone; and
so I think I should stay here for a while." Mom, of course, agrees; and, of
course, the baby-sitter gives the guy some really great head, which gives her
the best orgasm of her young life. The wife shows up and catches them in
flagrante delicto, of course; and she immediately starts caressing and kissing
the baby-sitter, and all three retire to the master bedroom for some more
leisurely sex. The husband and wife, of course, become reconciled. The key
to effective marital counseling, it seems, is for the therapist (baby-sitter)
to pull the wife's probing fingers from the baby-sitter's twitching ass before
the husband pushes his raging cock beyond the entrance to the baby-sitter's
angelic ass. I'm just kidding. The author didn't really say "angelic ass."
That would be silly. Actually it was the baby-sitter's "pulsing anus."
Here's the worst idea in the story: "He would stick just the tip {of his cock}
in my pussy and sweep gobs of love juice up into my anus." I think maybe this
is how neighborhood nymphos get their bad reputation. This strategy
practically guarantees a yeast infection. It's not even a good idea to make
this anus-to-vagina connection while masturbating. The problem is that the
microbes that inhabit one site don't have any natural enemies in the other.
It is common practice to ignore HIV and STDs and birth control in a.s.s.
stories; but one of the surest ways to get a really bad rash is to take an
uncleaned penis directly from a person's anus to the vagina or vice versa.
The author gets the Pristine Vocabulary Award for this eloquent excerpt:
"Kathy soon sucame...." Why not? It's easier to spell than succumbed.
What really troubles me is that my American Heritage Online Dictionary did not
include the term "in flagrante delicto." My offline unabridged dictionary
does have it, but does not include the word "in" as part of the phrase. Can
someone advise me? Even worse, my spellcheck thought that sucame was supposed
to be "sumac."
Ratings for "I Was the Neighborhood Nympho..."
Athena (technical quality): 5
Venus (plot & character): 5
Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5
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