Message-ID: <5065eli$9710221627@qz.little-neck.ny.us> X-Archived-At: From: Celeste801 Subject: {ASS} Celestial Reviews 227 - Oct 22 Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.d,alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d Content-transfer-encoding: 7bit Content-type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII Path: qz!not-for-mail Organization: The Committee To Thwart Spam Approved: X-Moderator-Contact: Eli the Bearded X-Story-Submission: X-Original-Message-ID: <6367219c.344e5d47@aol.com> X-Is-Review: yes Celestial Reviews 227 - October 22, 1997 Note: A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed, he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says. "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes." Second note: This older couple met at a bar and one thing led to another and he ended up going to her place. Things got hot and heavy and pretty soon clothes started coming off. She stopped and said, "Before we go any further, I have to tell you I have acute angina." "That's good," he says, "Because your tits are sure ugly." Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com. - Celeste "The High Plane" by Unknown Author (mile-high sex) 10, 10, 10 "Special Treatment" by Eli the Bearded (after the sex) 10, 10, 9 "Identical Twins" by Mike Hunt (on-stage threesome) 10, 10, 10 "The Visit" V.P. Viddler (sexual cruelty) 10, 8, 3 "Pit Stop" by Mary Jorsay Gandmar (voyeurism & hot sex) 10, 10, 10 "The Real Thing" by Jayant Lund (humping the Mistress) 10, 9, 9 "Video Knights In Katmandu" by F. Alyque Simbal (porn movie) 10, 7, 5 "Pimples and Demon" by Jim Fix (emerging adolescent fantasy) 10, 10, 10 Guest Reviews: "Hunts the Night by H.D. Meister" (slightly furry sex) 4, 9, 9.5 "The Amazing Adventures of Penis Boy" by Unknown Author (juvenile humor) 5, 2, 0 "Xena: The Bed of the Beast" by Unknown Author (superhero sex) 10, 10, 10 "Mardi Gras Adventure: New Orleans" by Hawk Richards (festival sex) 2, 5, 3 Reposted Reviews: * "Deja Vu" by Ann Douglas (nostalgia & romance) 10, 10, 10 * "The Love Boat" by Ann Douglas (ff romance) 9, 10, 10 * "Voortrekkers" by Uther Pendragon (sexy memories & romance) 10, 10, 10 * "Awakenings" by Annette (virgin to slut transition) 10, 10, 10 * "My Wedding" by WouldBeBad (wedding orgy) 10, 10, 10 * "May" by Eli the Bearded (work break) 9.5, 10, 10 * "I Was the Neighborhood Nympho at Twenty" by Unknown Author (three-way) 5, 5, 5 "The High Plane" by Unknown Author (Reposted by Bookman Archives). This is another one of those stories about people who get high on sex in airplanes. Imagine that. Yes, imagine that! I'm a member of the mile-high club myself. The thrill lies in the possibility of detection even if you try to be careful plus the knowledge that you're getting by with something about which the other people around you are unaware - or almost unaware, as is the case in this story. The author combines two elements - the secret tryst of the lovers in first class plus their observation by another passenger - to make this a really good story. Ratings for "The High Plane" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Special Treatment" by Eli the Bearded (usenet-tag@qz.little-neck.ny.us). In this case the author simply wanted to try a story that begins AFTER the sex. So what we have is the narrator doing very nice but not sexually explicit things to the woman to whom he has just finished making love. It's not pornography, but it's very romantic. Ratings for "Special Treatment" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9 "Identical Twins" by Mike Hunt (MrM1ke@aol.com). Sometimes I wonder where Mike Hunt gets his ideas for these stories; then I remember - these things all really happened to him. It must be really easy to write titillating stories when your life has been just one long series of barely interrupted sexual escapades. In this episode, Mike Hunt has gone to a business meeting in LA, but he picks up the wrong luggage at the airport. His wife June calls to tell him that a woman at another hotel has his suitcase, which is identical to his (hence the title). When he takes a cab to the other hotel to switch luggage, he discovers that the person with his luggage is a beautiful woman with a sister who looks exactly like her (hence the title). To make a long story short (which is the purpose of a synopsis), the women are strippers in town for a show; but Mike Hunt ruins one set of their clothes, and so he has to join them in a modified act during which he has sex with them on stage in front of the Royal Order of the Beaver. This is Mike Hunt at his charming, witty best! Ratings for "Identical Twins" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "The Visit" V.P. Viddler (Reposted by ). When I saw about 50 stories by this author being reposted, I decided I would review one myself and ask a guest reviewer to do another. However, I couldn't get a guest reviewer to accept the challenge. They all took one look and commented something like, "I'm interested in sex stories, not torture stories." When I read this one, I saw exactly what they meant. The story is well written, in the sense that the grammar is mostly correct and the events follow one another in a meaningful order. But the plot is illogical in the sense that the man inflicts terrible and absolutely silly pain and humiliation on the woman, and she enjoys it - and there's not even a hint of an explanation why this should be so. I have seen good stories that examine the mind of demented people. Edgar Alan Poe has written several excellent stories of this kind; but Poe's stories make sense in a deranged way. This story gave me no rationale to explain either the cruel behavior or the woman's acceptance of it. In addition, I know that there are lots of normal women who enjoy fantasizing about being raped; but even that is not possible with this story. To use an analogy, fantasizing over this story would be like fantasizing over the "pleasures" of being whacked in the head with a two-by-four or of repeatedly vomiting and then re-swallowing the vomit. If you're one of the people in the world who just likes descriptions of sick and bizarre behavior (and I hope there are not many of you), then this whole series may be of interest to you. Otherwise, don't go here if you're looking for hot and sexy stories. Ratings for "The Visit" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 8 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 3 "Pit Stop" by Mary Jorsay Gandmar. The author of this story is from India. I received several of these stories from a person who said that the Indian connection to the Internet was sort of tenuous. Anyway, I am reviewing three of the stories in this issue; but I'll wait to see if they actually start showing up in the newsgroup before I review any more of them. Meanwhile, just in case these stories don't show up after all, I'll include the following mini-story, which is loosely related to India, which is what Christopher Columbus was looking for when he discovered America, which is why I received no snail mail a week ago Monday. A guy is strolling down the street in Chicago, and he finds an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The man replies, "I've always wanted to be lucky." The genie grants his wish. So off the guy strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 dollars on the sidewalk. Not a bad start, he thinks. As he picks up the ten-spot, he notices an OTB betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at the Meadowlands. He puts the 10 dollars on the horse to win, and the horse bolts from behind in the stretch to win the race. Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to a local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table, and puts the whole 1010 dollars on "Lucky seven." Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" - Lucky Seven. Now he's really flying, but he has to go to the bathroom. However, he chooses the wrong door and winds up in an underground brothel instead. As he enters, all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and is handed a glass of champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says in an Oriental accent, "Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer. You have won the right to enjoy the pleasures from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge." The guy says that he's always fancied making it with an Indian girl ; and so he's ushered into one of the rooms. In strolls the most gorgeous subcontinental woman he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and they are field testing the Karma Sutra. At one point the guy pauses and says to the woman, "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead." The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says, "Sa'ib {I made that part up - the rest is true, except the Sa'ib}, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark." So the guy goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans back and starts laughing hysterically. "What's wrong, Sa'ib, what's wrong?" asks the Indian woman. The guy replies, "You're never going to believe this - I've just won a car!" Anyway, the previous paragraphs are completely unrelated to the current story, which is about a taxi driver who first watches a couple engage in really heavy petting in the back seat of his cab and then has wild and wonderful sex with the young woman after he deposits her boyfriend at his destination. This is an extremely well written story that maintains sexual tension and interest most effectively. Watch for it when it arrives from the East! Of course, we all know that they speak English on the subcontinent, but what you may not know is that zippers go "krik" when flies come open in India and cabbies "judder" across intersections - at least when they are voyeurizing the couple in the back seat. But the linguistic differences are minor: they still shoot cum, swallow jizz, and shout "Ohfuckyes!" while doing so. They also have access to some sex drugs that work a lot better than anything I've heard of in the U.S., but then I just say "Ohfuckno!" to drugs anyway. Ratings for "Pit Stop" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "The Real Thing" by Jayant Lund. This is another one of the stories from my Indian Connection. This one is about a wealthy woman giviing her chauffeur sausage and eggs between the legs. Some things are the same the world over - muscular young gigolos have to make a living. {I'm not sure that's the correct plural of "gigolo" - Where is Dan Quayle when you really need him?} Like the stateside version of many such stories, this one was not as hot as it could have been: I needed to see something else happening besides the mistress being humped by the servant and liking it while he called her a "dirty whore. On the other hand, this is still a pretty good story. I am perhaps preoccupied with potentially unique subcontinental expressions, and so I was impressed when "her servant's huge, hot, glorious penis surged into her wet, clonic cunt." Look that one up in your Fuck and Wagnall's. Ratings for "The Real Thing" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 9 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9 "Video Knights In Katmandu" by F. Alyque Simbal. (You have to read the author's name phonetically to get it - kind of like Mike Hunt in the Black Hole of Calcutta.} This is the third and final of the three stories from India that I plan to review at this time. This one is a "story" about what happens on a porn video. The basic problem is that not much "happens" on a porn video - the thing that porn videos are most notable for besides sex is that they have no plot. And so a story about a movie that has no plot will also have no plot. On the other hand, maybe Larry Flint has just opened his first porn video store in India, and so Indian men and women might really need this information. Now the stereotypes kick in. I know very little about India, except what I learned from Bob Hope and Abbott and Costello, but I think they have harems and sex slaves over there. What if this story is written by an author whose Master said she had better get high scores from "that American Cunt"? What if as a result of my low ratings for this story, the Master makes her strip down to nothing but her nipple clamps and let him spank her with a bamboo rod (from Burma, of course) while she licks the cunts of the other authors of the harem who have been more successful. Nope - can't do it. I tried to write bdsm sentence, and it's not even as good as my story about the genie. Ratings for "Video Knights In Katmandu" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 7 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5 "Pimples and Demon" by Jim Fix (jimfix@home.net). This is the seventh story by Jim Fix that has been reviewed in Celestial Reviews, and all of them have gotten high ratings. One thing that I have noticed is that my guest reviewers tend to give him very high ratings in style and plot, but slightly lower ratings in "appeal to reviewer." I can't be sure, but I suspect that this is because they have some reservations about the ethical or social soundness of the behaviors depicted in the stories. That's because this author tends to write about teenagers having sex with adults. This story follows that same pattern. The young boy gets a job as a gardener for a beautiful widow in her 20s, and he quickly discovers that the job has fringe benefits that he really likes. It's not just a quick-fuck story; rather the relationship builds from gardening, to conversation, to peach cobblers, to wild and passionate orgasms. I suspect that some of my guest reviewers reject the simplistic reasoning that "if she needs it and he enjoys it, then there's nothing wrong with it." I agree 100% with their rejection - in real life, that is. However, in the minds of teenage boys and men who have almost stopped being teenage boys, the notion of sex with the horny widow is surpassed in their imaginations only by sex with the lewd and lascivious yet lithe and lovely English teacher. Anyway, if you like this theme (now that you have permission to do so), you'll enjoy this story. Ratings for "Pimples and Demon" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Hunts the Night by H.D. Meister" (dez187lm@hotmail.com). Guest review by Bronwen. This is a slightly furry tale by an author who isn't too hot at either spelling or punctuation... He or she can write, though. The atmosphere is strongly described, the narrative unforced, and the use of language often fresh. If this is an early story I would very much like to see the author persist. Ruthless proofreading would improve this story enormously, but it already has more than a flicker of star quality. It's difficult to capture the sheer overwhelming intensity of sexual arousal, but H.D. Meister makes a powerful attempt. This is how s/he describes the female partner's coming down from orgasm: "Carrie simply fell. The ground had not the strength to even slow her descent. Whirling mists tugged at her limbs, her nipples. Wisps caressed her rose petal soft flower. The thunder of life boomed, boomed, boomed between her thighs." A bit baroque for some tastes, perhaps, but it's not clicheed. It conveys the subjective experience vividly. This is not the best paragraph, just a short example. The writing has passion - which is worth a lot to this reviewer. The plot is confusing, though maybe not if you're a furry aficionado. I don't know much about werewolf conventions. Has he turned her into a werewolf? Has he overcome his werewolf nature? Is he a werewolf anyway? I dunno. OTOH, none of these unanswered questions bothered me much. The story's atmosphere of mystery, of the unexplained, is not hindered by things _being_ unexplained.... Please work on your editing, H.D. Meister - poor grammar & spelling stand between the reader and a very good story indeed. Ratings for "Hunts the Night" Athena (technical quality): 4 Venus (plot & character): 9 Bronwen (appeal to reviewer): 9.5 "The Amazing Adventures of Penis Boy" by Unknown Author. Guest review by Bookman. {This is one of those stories that someone sent me but did not put their name with the manuscript itself. So even though the email came with a name, I don't know who wrote this. After seeing this review, I guess maybe that's just as well. - Celeste} This story reminds me of a joke (he said, postponing the inevitable just a little longer). It seems Elvis's parents didn't like the idea of him being called Elvis the Pelvis, because he had a younger brother Eenis. Are you laughing hysterically? Well, that's more than you're going to get out of Amazing Adventures of P.B. Synopsis: There's this kid whose parents decided to name Penis, who suffers life-long embarrassment about his name, until he's suddenly kidnapped by aliens (oh, didn't I tell you about the aliens? Talk about deus ex machina. Talk about 'out of left field'. Talk about something else.), who can't figure out sex, so they stuff him in an artificial vagina, then. . . Look, folks, I'm not making this up. Oh, forget it. Which is also probably the best thing to do with this latest entry in the Not- Much-Better-Than-Spam Story Contest (you've not heard of this contest? Surely you've seen some of the entries.). It's not funny, not very well written, and there's not even any sex by any recognizable description. Moving on. . . It is often difficult to combine sex and humor. Not that sex isn't inherently funny. It is. Dirty jokes have been around ever since we figured out how to talk; it's just that an explicit, arousing description of sex demands a certain concentration, a focus, that humor just blasts all to pieces. The most successful combinations of sex and humor--the dirty joke, French farce, Italian commedia dell'arte--get away with it by not being explicit. By not being actually arousing. By skirting the issue, as it were. Or, in the case of the dirty joke, combining the two, but not at the same time; explicit sex here, funny comment there. It's illuminating to note that, while many X-rated movies are built around an extended dirty joke, the sex ends once the punch line is delivered. It's almost impossible to maintain a sexy mood while somebody's laughing. It would be a challenge worthy of the best writers we have to write a genuinely funny/simultaneously explicitly sexy story. Anybody wish to pick up the gauntlet? Ratings for "The Amazing Adventures of Penis Boy" Athena (technical): 5 (it was at least legible) Minerva (general appeal): 2 Apollo: (appeal to reviewer): 0 (total waste of time. The only reason we didn't go into negative numbers was because it wasn't disgusting.) "Xena: The Bed of the Beast" by Unknown Author, posted by Dungeon Master (dungeon@dngnbbs.com). Guest Review by Piper What happens when you mix Xena, a corrupt government, slavers, evil warlords, a kidnapped princess, some wizards, and a fortress floating on the back of a giant turtle? You get madness, mayhem, and a story worthy of becoming a movie of the week. This is the last, the longest, and the best of this batch of Xena stories. It's almost as long as all the others put together. At the same time, it's as good as all the others put together. The author states that this story is set after Hercules defeats Xena and puts her on the path to goodness, and before Xena meets Gabrielle and gains a travelling companion. So, no Gabby. Instead, Xena hooks up with one of the kidnapped princess' personal guard. He's young, tall, well-built, and good looking (of course). He's also striking out on his own to try and rescue the princess. Naturally, Xena decides to help out. Technically, this is a very tight story. I was hard-pressed to find any typos or misused words. Even the English usage, while sometimes not as sharp as it could be, is still better than the average a.s.s. posting. The only thing this story lacks is a lot of sex. What there is fits in well with the plot and storyline, and in my opinion, forcing more in would actually intrude. There is lots of sexual situations and innuendo, of course, and a fair dollop of NC stuff (what else would you expect from slavers) to keep you titillated. This lack, in my opinion, is not a deficiency for this story. Instead, there is detail, plot, character development, angst, anticipation, and fun. A great read for people who happen to like adventure stories that actually contain story. I hope that whoever the writer is, he/she identifies him/herself, and writes more stories of this quality. Ratings for "Xena: The Bed of the Beast" Technical merit 10 Plot and character 10 Appeal to reviewer 10 "Mardi Gras Adventure: New Orleans" by Hawk Richards (heminway@epix.net). Guest review by Wherryman. "New Orleans" is a short story about a brief encounter during the hurly-burly of Mardi Gras. I was tempted to stop my review there but Celeste's readers expect depth, insight, and on occasion, blood - so here goes... At first I found the style annoying; bitty sentences, idiosyncratic phrasing, and paragraphs that seemed to be out of order, all made it difficult to follow. (Read paragraph 3 first.) I could see what the author was trying to do; recreate the bustle and excitement of carnival time, where everything seems to be happening at the same time. It didn't work but was I being hasty? I re-read it. This time round it was the odd phrasing that leapt out at me, bringing a smile to face - not the author's intention, unfortunately. Here are some samples: - Blue eyes searched out her companions, but they found my eyes still riveted to her. (Dr. Frankenstein strikes again) - My hands gripped her firm ass cheeks and pulling them apart. (Ouch) - She unstraddled my hips, (An erotic technique I'm not familiar with.) Sorry but not even Celeste's proof-reading could save this one - the proof- reader would qualify for top billing. Ratings for "New Orleans" Technical merit 2 Plot & character 5 Appeal to reviewer 3 * "Deja Vu" by Ann Douglas (annd@pop.tiac.net). Ann Douglas placed four stories among my Top 100 of 1995. I have been keeping a running list for 1996; and if I had to post that list right now, she'd make it four more times. She'd make it even more often, except that irritating proofreading errors get in the way. In short, she writes very good stories. Let me tell you her secrets to success. First, she writes stories that contain vivid, realistic portrayals of hot sex. Nearly all the stories on this newsgroup contain sex, and a lot of them contain hot sex. What Ann Douglas does is to write vivid, realistic portrayals of hot sex. Second, her characters are normal people. Some of them are also typical; but all of them are normal. Although some bible thumpers would disagree, most of the protagonists are basically moral people. Nearly everything that happens in her stories (except maybe in the sci fi and comic book stories) is something that my husband or I have done or could do or at least know somebody else who has done it. These people are not depraved predators, sex-starved sluts, contortionists with 12-inch penises, or generally dysfunctional sex maniacs. I have a soft spot in my heart (as well as somewhere else) for all the people covered in the previous sentence; but readers like myself do like to read about normal people. I get the impression that some people would disagree with me on this point; Ann's characters - they would say - are not normal, because they are lesbians or at least bisexual. I am not a lesbian. I think I could enjoy lesbian or bisexual activity; but I won't, because I have made a life-choice not to. In spite of this, however, Ann's characters make perfect sense to me. A very large number of readers feel this way. We enjoy Ann's stories because her characters act the way we think we would act (or would like to act) in similar situations. Third, Ann embeds her hot, realistic sex and normal characters in plots that are intelligent and well developed. A lot of authors try to do this, and several succeed. What Ann and many of the other successful authors do is integrate the sex with the plot in an effective manner. Some authors who try to develop a plot fail because they spend too much time on details that have no connection with the sex. One of Ann's greatest strengths is that while she is developing details, she is also developing sexual anticipation by describing events and information that give us the feeling that something exciting is going to happen and then later make the sexual activities more interesting when they finally occur. Ann also uses other techniques effectively. For example, she's a pro at the story-within-a-story technique; and her plots are often set in exotic places or focus on important social issues. But I'm convinced that the three techniques described in the preceding paragraphs are what make this author's stories so consistently good. There! Now that you know all this, you yourself can compose stories that are every bit as good as those written by this author. The present story is about Connie D'Angelo and her relationship with her granddaughter and her memories of her own sexual awakening during adolescence in the 1950's. Just read the story! It does an excellent job of implementing the techniques I described earlier in this review. Ratings for "Deja Vu" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 * "The Love Boat" by Ann Douglas (annd@pop.tiac.net). This is NOT a parody of the American sitcom - which was pronounced "The Loooooove Boat," with a lovey- dovey cutesy intonation that's impossible to duplicate without sound. No, this is a simple story about two woman who go together for a vacation {i.e., holiday for Brits} on a cruise ship that has been chartered for all lesbians - except for their naive little selves. Let's see - Ann Douglas, non-lesbians in a lesbian atmosphere - I wonder what will happen! Well, as you may have guessed, both women begin to wonder what it would be like to make love to another woman, and pretty soon they become involved in sapphic delights. However, this is not a purely lesbian story. While the women are clarifying their sexual identity, there are numerous flashbacks to their prior heterosexual escapades, and the mf snapshots are just about as hot as the ff scenes. A grammatical note: A female person with light colored hair is a blonde. However, her hair itself is blond. That is, the "e" is properly added to the word "blonde" only when it is a noun meaning "a blonde person" or when it directly modifies an entire blonde person, not just a part of her body. So my blonde friend has a blond pussy. Well, not really; it's brown. But if she were a real blonde, her hair would be blond not blonde. Lots of people spell these words differently, but the way I have described is the way it's supposed to be. Men are usually blonds - without the "e." However, in this story we had an anomalously bearded blonde bartender. This story had more grammatical errors than most of Ann's recent stories, but it was still a delightfully romantic and sexy story. Ratings for "The Love Boat" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 * "Voortrekkers" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net). Bob and Jeanette Brennan are moving out of their apartment. It was "Bob and Jeanette" who had moved into this apartment; it is" the Brennans" are moving out. These two people are really in love. Sometimes it's nauseating. I sometimes feel the urge to exit one of these Bob and Jeanette stories and read a more wholesome, realistic rape and torture story. But then I keep reading, and I am invariably glad I did. I have friends who tease me about my own marriage. They are certain that I am either simple-minded or lying: nobody can be this happy all the time sleeping with the same man. {Actually, some of them are certain that nobody could be this happy sleeping with ANY VARIETY of men.} It would get boring, they say; and sometimes it does. Some of my friends know what hell is really like, because they have been married. What's nice about the Bob and Jeanette stories is that they are realistically and blissfully happy. They have their ordinary lives where they struggle together with mundane problems, but their genuine love for each other is a source of strength, stability, and happiness. At times it gets to where their sex life would HAVE to become boring; but by God, somehow it gets even better. I had a friend who was in the perfect marriage. She got divorced last year. I was disillusioned. This author has a responsibility to keep Bob and Jeanette together. They're the main source of stability in the lives of millions of readers throughout the uncensored world. Please, please - don't let them go the way of Bo and Billie or the other people on the soaps. These people have become my friends. I was actually excited to hear that Jeanette has learned French! Ooops... I don't want to spoil the surprise for you. They keep t'aiming and t'adoring as they drive across the country to their new home in Boston, where Bob will continue his education and Jeanette will get a job to continue to make that education possible. The story is a really outstanding blend of current events and past memories; and the memories themselves are a wonderful blend of things I myself know (from previous stories) and new information from the Early Life and Courtship of Bob and Jeanette; and those memories are a delightful blend of ideas and events that overlap with my own life and things completely new to me. And the blends are very sexy. Come to think of it, in some ways Bob is even better than my husband. For example, as far as I can see, Bob never farts during really intimate moments. I think Bob may also be better with his hands, although my husband still seems to have the edge with regard to his tongue. I am reminded of my daughter, who makes a similar comment about her birthday each and every year - this is the best Bob and Jeanette story ever! Ratings for "Voortrekkers" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 * "Awakenings" by Annette. The young lady is a naive virgin who has just graduated from a Swiss finishing school. Her big turn-on is the thought that when a man penetrates her for the first time it will be to shoot live ammunition at an unprotected target. She gets all churned up at the idea of totally unprotected sex with an even chance of being put in the family way. When a rich guy she really likes comes on strong to her, she tells him her feelings and says she's just not quite ready yet. Naive? Well, sort of; but she certainly knows how to keep Alan at bay! She resolves to be a virgin when she marries Alan; but shortly before the wedding he gets called away for work for two months overseas, and she goes on a cruise. The cruise ship is a veritable stud farm; and she mates with the ships mate. Not to worry; he'll use a condom. Ooops! To hell with the condom; he'll withdraw. Ooops! To hell with withdrawal; he has a supply of the RU 462 morning after pill. Ah! Ecstasy (or Ecstacy, as the Brits say); ten straight days and nights of ecstasy. Ooops! If you've never seen an RU 462 pill, I guess it's easy to confuse them with Relaxatabs. The story has minor proofreading errors; but if I managed to ignore them, you can probably do so as well. Here is a lesson from the English teacher that lies hidden inside me. Comedians and newscasters frequently talk about oxymorons. They give as examples "military intelligence," "governmental efficiency," and "honest lawyer." It may be funny to refer to these as oxymorons, because by doing so the speaker is suggesting that the military is inherently unintelligent, the government inefficient, and lawyers dishonest. The problem with those examples is that they are better examples of humor than of oxymorons. This author uses a true oxymoron when the protagonist sees her first engorged penis and refers to as "how beautifully ugly!" That's a perfect oxymoron. I once heard the person behind me at a wedding ceremony refer to the bride's "utterly ugly beauty" - making the point that the extreme artificiality of her makeup was not beautiful at all. There's a famous Latin expression: "festina lente" - make haste slowly, or as Yogi Berra put it, "Take your time; but hurry up!" A genuine oxymoron makes a point. In the story, the idea is that the male sex organ fully engorged with blood is really pretty grotesque if you look at it objectively; but if you look at it from the potential pleasure it can give, it's beautiful. This is such a great example; I want so much to use it as an illustration for my students, but I guess I had better not. American middle class manners; now there's an oxymoron for you! Even aside from the oxymoron, the sexual scenes were delightfully graphic. I strongly recommend this story. Ratings for "Awakenings" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 * "My Wedding" by WouldBeBad (WouldBeBad@aol.com). When Bookman reposted this story, he seemed uncertain of the author. I'm pretty sure this attribution is correct. In fact, when I reviewed this story back in CR 98, I'm pretty sure I received correspondence from the author - who was surprised but pleased that I gave it such high ratings. The official wedding took place in the bride's parents' church, with a wedding march, candles, flowers, and lots of guests. In her vows she promised to obey Michael. To most of the people present, this was just a phrase in the traditional wedding vows. A select few who were invited to a separate ceremony later that day knew more specifically what that vow meant. The bride was a successful stoke broker, and she wanted no more stressful responsibility in her private life. She had told Michael that she would give herself to him in the privacy of their home if he would assume all the responsibility. He could have her as a sex slave, if that meant she didn't have to make decisions. This sounded like a bargain to Michael; and so now she stood naked except for a garter belt and a few sensual accouterments in front of a minister and an audience of 20 people - eager but apprehensive about what would happen next. This is not your ordinary wedding ceremony. I won't go into detail here. Use your imagination or read the story. It's very well written. Ratings for "My Wedding" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 * "May" by Eli the Bearded (usenet-tag@qz.little-neck.ny.us). The man has been working too hard late at night, when the woman (May) arrives and takes him outside into the darkness for a quickie on a blanket in a grove of trees. This is very sexy stuff - the sort of things Robert Frost skipped when he told us about New England. Ratings for "May" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 * "I Was the Neighborhood Nympho at Twenty" by Tori Redfern. (Reposted by Bookman Archives). I think I have the real name of this author - not the real, real name, of course, but the name under which the author posted the story. I originally found this story in the THC Archive neatly tucked away under the title NYMPH1.TXT. Bookman lists it simply as "Neighborhood Nympho." Dick and Kathy are a young couple who have quarreled at a party. Dick comes home early. The surprised baby-sitter calls her mother and says something like, "These people have quarreled, and the husband has come home alone; and so I think I should stay here for a while." Mom, of course, agrees; and, of course, the baby-sitter gives the guy some really great head, which gives her the best orgasm of her young life. The wife shows up and catches them in flagrante delicto, of course; and she immediately starts caressing and kissing the baby-sitter, and all three retire to the master bedroom for some more leisurely sex. The husband and wife, of course, become reconciled. The key to effective marital counseling, it seems, is for the therapist (baby-sitter) to pull the wife's probing fingers from the baby-sitter's twitching ass before the husband pushes his raging cock beyond the entrance to the baby-sitter's angelic ass. I'm just kidding. The author didn't really say "angelic ass." That would be silly. Actually it was the baby-sitter's "pulsing anus." Here's the worst idea in the story: "He would stick just the tip {of his cock} in my pussy and sweep gobs of love juice up into my anus." I think maybe this is how neighborhood nymphos get their bad reputation. This strategy practically guarantees a yeast infection. It's not even a good idea to make this anus-to-vagina connection while masturbating. The problem is that the microbes that inhabit one site don't have any natural enemies in the other. It is common practice to ignore HIV and STDs and birth control in a.s.s. stories; but one of the surest ways to get a really bad rash is to take an uncleaned penis directly from a person's anus to the vagina or vice versa. The author gets the Pristine Vocabulary Award for this eloquent excerpt: "Kathy soon sucame...." Why not? It's easier to spell than succumbed. What really troubles me is that my American Heritage Online Dictionary did not include the term "in flagrante delicto." My offline unabridged dictionary does have it, but does not include the word "in" as part of the phrase. Can someone advise me? Even worse, my spellcheck thought that sucame was supposed to be "sumac." Ratings for "I Was the Neighborhood Nympho..." Athena (technical quality): 5 Venus (plot & character): 5 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5 -- +--------------' Story submission `-+-' Moderator contact `------------+ | story-submit@qz.little-neck.ny.us | story-admin@qz.little-neck.ny.us | | Archive site +--------------------+------------------+ Newsgroup FAQ | \ .../assm/faq.html> /