Message-ID: <21925asstr$945789000@assm.asstr-mirror.org> From: Celeste801@aol.com X-Original-Message-ID: <0.599e6339.25904730@aol.com> Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} Celestial Reviews 350 December 20 More Christmas stories MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-MIME-Autoconverted: from quoted-printable to 8bit by sara.asstr-mirror.org id WAA20085 Date: Tue, 21 Dec 1999 10:10:00 -0500 Path: assm.asstr-mirror.org!not-for-mail X-Is-Review: yes Approved: Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories,alt.sex.stories.d Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d X-Archived-At: X-Moderator-Contact: ASSTR ASSM moderation X-Story-Submission: X-Moderator-ID: dennyw, Lambchop Celestial Reviews 350 – December 20, 1999 – More Christmas storie Note: I am trying to wrap up my Christmas reviews. I found a few more previous reviews that I failed to repost in CR 349. In addition, here are some reviews of Christmas stories I have not previously reviewed. Important clue: Some of the best stories in this review are among the Reposted Reviews at the end of this issue. Second note: A little girl goes to visit Santa at the Mall. When it is her turn she sits on his lap and Santa says "Have you been good?" "Yes, Santa, very good." "What would you like for Christmas?" "I want Barbie and G. I. Joe." "G. I. Joe?" says Santa. "Doesn't Barbie come with Ken?" "No, Santa, Barbie fakes it with Ken. But she comes with G. I. Joe." Third note: Adult Version of 'Twas the Night before Christmas: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom, and reached for the lube When out on the lawn, there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner, and poor momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite. And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off youry cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub. And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder. I was donning my jacket to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash. His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He lookd like a bum and he smelled like a whore. "That was some brothel," he said with a smile, "The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile. He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee. Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits. A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind. A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention. A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil. "This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split." He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve. He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead. In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!" The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, "The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!" ===================== Celestial Reviews Index: ===================== "Festive Shopping" by Tyrone Lamayer (magical Xmas shopping) 6, 5, 5 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=559292635 "Inside Santa" by T.S. Fesseln (Xmas bondage) 8.5, 7, 6 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=556338813 "Foretold" by Uther Pendragon (romanctic Christmas) 10, 10, 10 "The Customer: Christmas Eve " by HunneyBee (insipid sex) 9, 4, 1 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=561314920 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=561314925 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=561314928 "A Christmas Story" by Schulz (sex with conversation) 10, 7, 7 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=560514148 "Four Firm Friends: A Christmas Sharing Story" by DrSpin (wife sharing) 20, 7, 7 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=560898170 "Ruthie's Christmas Story" by Gary (Christmas bondage) 9.5, 10, 6 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=559174702 "Warming up" by Otzchiim (emergency sex) 10, 8, 8 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=440004818 ===================== Reposted Reviews: ===================== "Fantasies" by BitSlinger (sexual fantasies) 9, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=296639260 "Christmas Carole" by MrSpraycan (femdom office sex) 10, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=296639252 "Snowbound" by Ann Douglas (older man/younger woman)10, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=297898032 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=297898038 "The Curiosity Shop" by Sven the Elder (Christmas shopping quickie) 10, 10,10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=559857957 "A Missy Christmas" by Michael K. Smith (family reunion sex) 10, 9, 9 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=318885312 "Christmas Presents" by Friar Dave (poignant sex story)10, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=421658561 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=421658565 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=421658568 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=421658572 ===================== Here are the Reviews: ===================== "Festive Shopping" by Tyrone Lamayer (tyronelamayer@freeuk.com). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=559292635 Here we have a guy who goes Christmas shopping. He unwittingly buys a magic brooch, and when he rubs it, time stops for everybody else. And so he gets to sniff the crotch of the woman in front of him at the store without her even knowing it. Imagine that. It's pretty lame, really. The story ended in medias res, which is where good stories sometimes begin. I was torn between anger that this wasn't even a whole story and relief that I didn't have to read any more. Maybe the author should give up on this one and try to be more careful with the next. Ratings for "Festive Shopping" Athena (technical quality): 6 Venus (plot & character): 5 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4 "Inside Santa " by T.S. Fesseln (fesseln1@aol.com). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=556338813 Elizabeth visits her boyfriend David in his furniture store right around Christmas. She gets naked and they play bondage games, and he ties her up and sticks her in the display window, disguised as a stuffed Santa Claus, I think. Maybe people who know more about bondage games will like this one more than I did. Ratings for "Inside Santa" Athena (technical quality): 8.5 Venus (plot & character): 7 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6 "Foretold" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net). For a family in which the paterfamilas is called "sir" by his children and daughter-in-law, the Brennans really are OK. I like them so much that I even send Bob and Jeanette imaginary Christmas cards. And now we learn that they have a bun in the oven! Uther's sexy stories in the saga of Bob and Jeanette Brennan are easily recognized, because all the stories in the series begin with an approximation of the word "For." Like the present story, they all stand alone; but if you've read one, you'll likely want to read them all. In this installment, the younger members of the family return home for Christmas. Offstage, Bob and Jeanette visit her abusive mother, and then they go to the patriarchal home of the Brennan family for some forthright conversation, pleasant but non-incestuous sex, and the announcement of their forthcoming progeny. Some will think this story moves a little slowly, and it does; but that's because the author is trying to develop a really solid story – and he's succeeding at it. Ratings for "Foretold" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "The Customer: Christmas Eve" by HunneyBee (goldenhunney@yahoo.com). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=561314920 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=561314925 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=561314928 Katie is working near the end of the day on Christmas Eve in an upscale clothing shop. The security guard, whom she calls her Obsession, is also on duty. Katie is not a real hot number, but there is some concern that she "may topple over because her boobs are too big for her petite frame." She invites him home for a Christmas Eve dinner, and while she sits on his lap on the bus, he gets a hard-on and blackmails her with a videotape of her making love with a Fat Freddy from a previous story. He fucks her surreptitiously, while some passengers eye them suspiciously. They wish the other passengers Merry Christmas and surrealistically get off the bus. So they go to visit Fat Freddy at his house, which lacks the essence of a happy home. The guard blackmails Freddy, who doesn't seem to mind and who responds by fucking Katie and making a roast for them to eat in the wee hours of Christmas morning. After they rest, they do a really boring double penetration with the fat guy on top, I think. If anyone farted, the author didn't mention that event. I mean, why go into boring, extraneous details? This is about as boring a sex story as I have ever read. The words are in the right order and all that, but the sex is incredibly mechanical. Maybe it's a satire or something "{Their} gaze is locked as his seed sears in inner folds. Joe’s tense body finally falls limp as he desperately gasps for air." The story ends with, "We are done." Good! Put a fork in 'em. Ratings for "The Customer: Christmas Eve" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 4 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 1 "A Christmas Story" by Schulz (schulz_h@hotmail.com). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=560514148 The narrator and Sara get together to celebrate Christmas. They're not exactly religious, and they're not celebrating the solstice or anything. It seems they are celebrate mostly that everyone else is getting together to be festive, and so they gather to exchange clever remarks and to read some of Herrick's poetry. Herrick is a sixteenth century poet, who is now dead. Personally, I was ambivalent about the Herrick poem; and so I was relieved when the two co-protagonists decided that it had something to do with the difference between a skank and a schoolmarm. Around this time I began to wish that I hadn't decided to review absolutely ALL the Christmas stories that I could find. So the people have cheap and tawdry sex, but it really is kind of nice. What the hell – if you don't attach any religious significance to Christmas, why should that day be different from any other day? Ooops. That's part of a Jewish liturgy, isn't it. The part about why this day is different from any other day – not the part about the cheap and tawdry sex. I don't mean to insult people's religion here. If I wanted to do that, I would pick on the Amish or Jehovah's Witnesses, since people of those ilks don't come to a.s.s. all that often, except when someone crossposts here from a religious newsgroup, which is actually pretty often. This place is crawling with Catholics and Presbyterians (who attach religious significance to Christmas) and Jews (who do not, which is surprising in a way, because Jesus's parents were both Jewish, as were all of his ancestors, who were from the House of David, which was later the name of a famous baseball team of bearded baseball players who played somewhere in the Midwest or maybe the South in the 1940's). Since I have become quite politically incorrect already, I am going to tell you the first anti-semitic poem I can remember hearing. It came from a nun: Roses are reddish/ Violets are bluish/ If it wasn't for Jesus/ We all would be Jewish. Nuns really shouldn't drink champagne, even at Christmas parties. And if someone spikes the punch or egg nog, the nuns should be warned to stay away from it. Anyway, although the sex in this story is indeed cheap and tawdry, there's some really clever dialogue and an interesting twist at the end that sort of redeems the whole thing – the story, that is – not the world. This is very explicitly a secular, non-religious Christmas story; and I am certain that redemption of the world is not even remotely an issue. Which is OK; but if you're going to go this non-Christmassy with a Christmas story, you might as well have the woman at least diddle herself with a candy cane. Ratings for "A Christmas Story" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 7 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7 "Four Firm Friends: A Christmas Sharing Story" by DrSpin (DrSpin_member@newsgu y.com). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=560898170 Remember the old song about "Those wedding bells are breaking up that ole gang of mine"? Well, in this case there's a glitch. Before the gang broke up, the rule used to be if a girl slept with one of the guys, she had to sleep with them all. Such women were called "club girls." So when the guys drop over for Christmas, Jean finds out about the custom; and she realizes that her husband has had the wives of the other guys (in the old days, of course), but she has never been a club girl. Are you getting this? Fair is fair, she says; and so she is going to boink one guy a night for the next three nights, while hubby plays with his new cordless drill that he got for Christmas. The moral of this story is, if you haven't bought your husband a Christmas present yet, get him a cordless drill. He'll love it, even if he already has one. This is guaranteed to be true, but nobody knows why. Ratings for "Four Firm Friends" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 7 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7 "Ruthie's Christmas Story" by Gary (RuthieBaby@aol.com). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=559174702 Santa plays bdsm games with his wife on Christmas eve. He treats her like shit and then fucks her up the ass. Naturally, she loves it. As far as I can see, this is a good rendition of the ole liturgy about how a man shows he loves a woman by mistreating her. How just have a little trouble understanding how "My whore, my fucking cunt, my love. I'm going to tan you {with a whip}, dear. Then I'm going to stretch your asshole with my cock, ride you the rest of the night as the fucking whore you are." can be interpreted as a romantic overture. {And by the way, that should be "like the fucking whore you are."} I guess some of these deeply mystical experiences require a really willing suspension of disbelief. Or as the nun used to say when I didn't understand something, "It's a mystery." Ratings for "Ruthie's Christmas Story" Athena (technical quality): 9.5 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4 "Warming up" by Otzchiim (Otzchiim@aol.com). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=440004818 Marilynn is forced to leave her apartment building because of a fire early on Christmas morning. Charlie takes her in. She's cold and wet and one thing leads to another and soon they are having tender sex. There are worse ways to warm up, I guess Ratings for "Warming up" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 8 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8 ===================== Reposted Reviews: ===================== Fantasies" by BitSlinger (bitslinger@hotmail.com). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=296639260 I believe this is this author's first story. It's also an entry in my Celestial Christmas story contest. I am happy to have stimulated the author to enter upon a promising writing career. The basic plot is that the wife has become interested in fulfilling her husband's fantasies; but he's reluctant to share them, because he's afraid he'll scare her off. Most recently she has noticed his interest in a sexy little elf at the mall, and so tonight she has seduced him in an elf costume. Eventually she manages to pry some fantasies out of him, and she rewards him by acting them out with him and enjoying them herself. The fantasies are actually pretty tame by a.s.s. standards, but I enjoyed them. Except for a few occasional flaws in verb tenses, the author shows a good sense of timing in his integration of the fantasies and the real-time sexual activity. I look forward to seeing more stories by this author. Ratings for "Fantasies" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Christmas Carole" by MrSpraycan (mrspraycan@mailanon.com). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=296639252 Several years ago my husband treated me very romantically and fucked me under the Christmas tree after the kids went to bed. As he did so, he played a tape with the song "Here We Go a' Caroling." Unlike the woman in the previous review, I did not have to ask him about his fantasies. You see, I had three very close friends - all very sexy, one of whom had one the Nurse Goodbody award in nursing school. That may help explain the title, but not the plot of this story. The time is 1941. Pearl Harbor has just been bombed shortly before the Christmas party, and the United States is going to change its economy to a war footing. History books tells us that women will move into the workplace and never move out; it's the start of the sexual revolution in America. Carole is a woman in a male-dominated environment who has ideas about becoming a significant person in her company. Pat O'Reilly is the abstemious, Scrooge-like part owner of the company, who thinks he's big stuff around women . By the end of the story we can see how Carole is going to move up the corporate ladder. I have read several stories by MrSpraycan, and this one is not in the author's usual raunchy style. Nevertheless, it's a really good story that I think you'll enjoy. Ratings for "Christmas Carole" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Snowbound" by Ann Douglas (older man/younger woman). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=297898032 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=297898038 This is the second excellent story that I have reviewed with this title. I am reposting the review of the other, and I hope the author will repost the story. When Ann Douglas moved to her new home and announced her retirement, I suspected she would miss us and would return to her writing shortly. I was right, and I am glad. This is a really good story. Of course, I had the same feelings about Delta; but so far Delta has remained in obscure retirement. I guess maybe that's what happens when your spouse becomes vice president of a major industrialized nation. What Ann exemplifies here is her ability to write a complete story - one with numerous details that at to the impact of the overall story rather than distracting us. Her stories are not complete in the way that novels are complete: they are more like good weekly TV episodes - lots of interesting details with everything falling into place at the end. In addition, Ann has the ability to treat her characters with a respect, dignity, and honest sexiness that makes them really appeal to me. Ilyssia is snowbound on Christmas eve at O'Hare airport. She meets the father of one of her best friends. She's 24, single, and sexually aggressive; he's 42, divorced, and hasn't been with a woman since his wife left him a year ago. They are forced to share a room, and they fuck beautifully. But the story is much more than a May/December emboinkment. It includes serious and sensitive concerns about who will sleep where, real evidence of the value of both sexual experience and spontaneity, and the value of waiting - plus a literal cold shower. This is an absolutely delightful story. Minor grammar lessons: (1) When you quote someone and follow the quote with "he said" or the equivalent, use a comma in place of the period at the end of the quoted sentence. On the other hand, if the sentence ended with a question mark or explanation point, just leave them there. "I knew I should have taken the flight out yesterday," Ilyssia thought. "Wanna fuck?" Ilyssia asked. "I'm gonna come!" Ilyssia shouted as her pulsating cuntlips continued to caress his gyrating cock. (2) Use "lay" (not "laid") for the past tense of lie, meaning to recline. They lay (not laid) there for about fifteen minutes, just enjoying the comfort of each other's body. (3) When two or more words form a single modifier and precede a noun, join them with a hyphen. If the words come after the noun, omit the hyphen. This rule is often violated with impunity, but it's good to watch for cases where the omission causes confusion. My well-fucked pussy tingled with delight. My pussy was well fucked and tingled with delight. They had a last-minute gangbang before the end of gym class. They had a quick gang bang at the last minute before the end of gym class. Ratings for "Snowbound" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "The Curiosity Shop" by Sven the Elder (sven@brass-neck.demon.co.uk). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=559857957 If I were writing clever one-liners to entice people to read this story, I would say, "Sven has gone Christmas shopping, but he finds a surprise present for himself!" The surprise present is the lovely and vivacious Jo, whose full name is too long to print here and whose husband is away while his wife must play. This is a delightful little story that will take your mind off the burdens of last-minute Christmas shopping. Rarely do Americans find a woman who hunkers down and lets a man find her centre. Apparently that sort of thing is fairly common on the Island. It sounds like a custom worth exporting. Ratings for "The Curiosity Shop" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "A Missy Christmas" by Michael K. Smith. http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=318885312 Dan is attending the clan's annual Christmas party, conversing with the elite snobs who constitute his extended family, when he is accosted by his cousin, Missy Markham, who has been the cause of most of his wet dreams and early morning erections for about two years. She's the kind of a girl who has a tendency to make a guy she talks to have to stand behind a chair to conceal his hard-on. She asks Dan to be her escort; Dan agrees; and we are led to believe that there is some unusual significance to this assignment. They fuck in the attack, and the description of the sex is very hot. The only problem with this story is that it didn't have quite as interesting a plot as others by this author. But it's still a darned good story. Ratings for "A Missy Christmas" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 9 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9 "Christmas Presents" by Friar Dave (friar_dave@mhbbs.com). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=421658561 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=421658565 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=421658568 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=421658572 O'Hara, a rich guy who is lonely on Christmas Eve in New York City, has arranged for a call girl to visit him. He likes to talk, and so we get some interesting details about the hooker's development, beginning with her selling sexual favors to her brother when she was eight years old, while she marvels at the night sights outside the penthouse window. They quote philosophy to each other for a while, and it turns out she used to read his stories on the Internet. For a long time O'Hara had devoted his life to being socially responsible, and he's trying to make a comeback. At times this story borders on the depressing, but it manages to remain tender and poignant. In a way, what Friar Dave here is an interesting and sexy version of one of my occasional tirades about socially responsible sex. This story has lots of typos. The author must have neglected to run a simple spellcheck. But overall, this is a very nice Christmas story - even in April. Ratings for "Christmas Presents" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 -- If you enjoyed this work, take a moment to email the author. Your comments are their only payment. 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