Message-ID: <21776asstr$945108601@assm.asstr-mirror.org> From: Celeste801@aol.com X-Original-Message-ID: <0.85c804ae.258678eb@aol.com> Subject: {ASSM} {REVIEW} Celestial Reviews 349 December 13 Special Christmas Issue - Part 1 MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-MIME-Autoconverted: from quoted-printable to 8bit by sara.asstr-mirror.org id LAA24550 Date: Mon, 13 Dec 1999 13:10:01 -0500 Path: assm.asstr-mirror.org!not-for-mail X-Is-Review: yes Approved: Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories,alt.sex.stories.d Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d X-Archived-At: X-Moderator-Contact: ASSTR ASSM moderation X-Story-Submission: X-Moderator-ID: kelly, Vulpine Celestial Reviews 349 – Christmas Special – December 13, 1999 Note: A year or so ago I went on hiatus in a fit of depression over a serious computer crash I had experienced. One of the things that I lost at that time was my list of the Top 25 Christmas Stories Ever Posted. I have no backup of that file. If anyone has a copy I would like to have it. Second note: In the absence of my Top 25 List, I am simply reposting all the Christmas Reviews I have ever written. Some of these stories really suck (in the negative sense of that expression); others are outstanding. The reference to the Christmas Story Contest in some of these reviews refers to a contest I sponsored in 1996. Bronwen won that contest with "Stocking Filler." Third note: Thanks to Techguy for finding as many of these links as he could. If you recognize a story that has no link, perhaps you could repost it. Fourth note: If you send me the titles of other stories with a Christmas theme (loosely interpreted), I'll do my best to review as many as I can in the next issue. "Loosely interpreted" means that I'll include New Years and Solstice stories, as well as stories about sex at the North Pole during any season. I am NOT going to try to review every story that contains the word Christmas or Xmas, because some of these are pitifully bad. {I found one the other day that misspelled "Christmas" and three other words in the first sentence, which ended with a comma.} But if you know of Christmas stories that you'd like to call to my attention, please contact me. Fifth note: If anyone is interested in writing an occasional guest review, please let me know at celeste801@aol.com. ===================== Celestial Reviews Index: ===================== "Snow Angels" by Saucy Wench (cold sex) 10, 8, 8 http://widen's Christmas" by PJ (sci fi Christmas sex) 10, 9, 9 "All I Want for Xmas" by No One (ff sex with sexy elf) 10, 9, 9 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=311053249 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=311053257 "Holly & Ivy - An Xmas Fantasy" by Captain Atom (Christmas threesome) 10, 9, 9 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=311048213 "The Twelve Nights of Xmas" by Captain Atom (lengthy orgy) 10, 9, 9 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=311048216 "Charlie B's Christmas" by Sacvan (cartoon character sex) 9, 8, 8 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=309784455 "A Christmas Triple" by Kim (three stories) 10, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=310116260 "Forget All That" by Uther Pendragon (relationships) 10, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=309575152 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=309863113 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=310046955 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=310257476 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=310469176 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=310717338 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=310956592 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=311296168 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=311609996 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=311844003 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=312070547 "Thank You, Mr. Dickens" by El Sol (classic Christmas tale parody) 9, 9, 9 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=424164807 "A Christmas Pony" by Grr Raoul Leash (bestiality & humor) 10, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=205765895 "Home for Christmas" by Unknown Author (sex with stepsister) 9, 6, 7 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=214604004 "Joan for Christmas" by Unknown Author (confusing TG shopping trip) 6, 3, 1 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=223831779 "Solstice Present" by Michael Snider (bdsm & fantasy fulfillment) 10, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=264041250 "Office Christmas Party" by Remy (torture) 7, 4, 3 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=286984485 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=242315294 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=286984170 "Zucchini" by Frank McCoy (incest with a vegetable) 7, 8, 2 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453283414 "Edging All The Way: Holiday J/O Good Thing" by Frank Nash The New York Jacker (masturbation) 10, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=299345550 "Santa's Cumming" by Karen Flynn (illiterate TG fantasy) 4, 3, 1 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=298897357 "A Letter to my Babe" by Dexy (romantic fantasy) 8, 7, 8 "Carole" by Kim (meaning of life) 9, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=308609327 "Destiny Manifested" by Losgud (brother/sister romance) 9.5, 10, 10 "Christmas with the Andersons" by James Boswell (various orgies, etc.) 10, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=204043725 "Adult Christmas" by Abby (Santa orgy) 9, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=204343011 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=204341799 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=204345175 "Faerie Tale I" by Unknown Author (outdoor sex) 10, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=204904734 "A Charlie Brown Christmas" by Unknown Author (Christmas orgy) 10, 9, 9 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=263160315 "Santa's Cumming" by Kansica (orgy with Santa) 9, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=205596051 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=205538701 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=205539318 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=205539669 "Oh, Christmas Tree" by Dulcinea (sex under the Christmas tree) 10, 9, 10 "Candy Cane" by Dulcinea (oral sex with Santa) 10, 9, 9 "For Now" by Uther Pendragon (adolescence & romance) 10, 10, 10 "Here Cums Santa" by SueNH (real celebrity sex!) 10, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=212508399 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=212508415 "Sue Saves Christmas " Paul LeComte (holiday orgy) 10, 10, 10 "Christmas Presents" by Ruth White (transgender) 8, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=205519956 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=205519471 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=205587340 "Christmas Break" by Mat Twassel (sexual fantasies) 10, 10, 10 "Christmas Tale" by Frank Ashby (hedonistic reunion) 9, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=273532382 "Christmas Carol" by Mark E. Dassad (teen gangbang) 5, 9, 8 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=219032319 "Wrapped Attention" by Uther Pendragon (romantic first time) 10, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=308537374 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=308537384 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=308537377 "Snow Flake" by DG (psychic romance) 10, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=316371386 "Room with a View" by Mark Aster (romance at an orgy) 10, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=308963341 "Seduction" by A Magician (hot mm sex) 10, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=309002051 "A Very Rejected Christmas" by OddManOut Anywhere (Christmas threesome) 10, 8, 8 "Winter Solstice" by Raven M. (medieval lesbian orgy) 10, 8, 8 "Christmas Dinner" by Tom Bombadil (poignant romance) 10, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=423894170 "Claustrophobia" by Adrian Hunter (sexual torture) 10, 10, 8 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=309355948 "Christmas in Scarsdale" by MrSpraycan (mild bdsm) 10, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=309121635 "Christmas Present For Kathy" by Unknown Author (anal sex) 6, 5, 5 "Stocking Filler" by Bronwen (Christmas magic) 10, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=313963903 "Dance With Me" by Ellen Hayes (outdoor sex) 10, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=309694229 "Tongue and Cheek" by Hawk "Santa" Richards (oral sex) 9, 8, 8 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=298478921 "The Night Before Christmas" by M1KE HUNT (young love) 10, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=298812646 "My Xmas Threesome" by Patty Nickel (illiterate drivel) 1, 1, 1 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=297862399 "Another Christmas Carol" by James Martin (Christmas shopping) 10, 10, 10 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=297651519 ===================== Here are the Reviews: ===================== "Snow Angels" by Saucy Wench (wenchsaucy@aol.com). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=531056980 Question: What is a "coolie"? Answer: A quickie in the snow. The two ladies are snowed in for the evening - or perhaps longer - in a comfortable rustic cabin. So they go outside and frolic naked in the snow. Their nipples get hard, their breasts get perky, they make snow angels, and then Caesar (the dog) jumps against the door and locks them outside. Well, not really; but Brandi lets Janet think so. So what do two sexy ladies do to keep warm when they are trapped outside the house in the snow near a hot tub? Wrong! They walk a half mile or so to the nearest occupied house, which is occupied by a half dozen teenage boys jerking off while they are watching porn flicks. But that possible scenario seems risky or risqué or both, and so they go to the next house; where they are greeted with open arms, dial 911, and make a cop come. Actually, this isn't a Christmas story at all - just a walk in a winter wonderland. It's an unpredictable story with numerous twists and turns and various other gyrations. Let me say that everyone - er, everything - finally comes together in the end. I liked this story a lot. Ratings for "Snow Angels" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 8 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8 "A Child's Christmas" by Mat Twassel (Mmtwassel@aol.com). The author says he hadn't originally intended to write a Christmas story, but he was disappointed that Mark Aster didn't give us Pat and Julie and Keda and Tommy enjoying Christmas and felt compelled to do it on his own. So he borrowed the gang from the Allen sisters, and the result is a delightful story that reads almost like one Mark would have written himself. The author points out that if Mark wants to sue him, he hopes that maybe Julie Allen will consent to be his lawyer. The story begins with Our Hero (to whom the author gives the cryptic, almost laconic name "Al") returning from his day's work as a department-store Santa Claus, accompanied by a delightfully bratty child named Malcomb. The adults do Christmassy things with the kids and sexy things with each other. The NBC Today Show is currently running a series about turning 40; and from what they say and from what happens in this story, we can safely conclude that Al has not yet reached that age. The author does an excellent job of imitating Mark Aster, with perhaps a touch of John Steinbeck at the very end. Ratings for "A Child's Christmas" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "An Elf Maiden's Christmas" by PJ (pjurado@aol.com). An evil, dark, intergalactic power has decided to destroy Light throughout the universe, beginning with Earth, which is noteworthy for the light and goodness emanating from its north pole. The disembodied Elf Maiden Gwena is sent as the emissary of Naar to carry out this destruction of benevolence. Meanwhile, in Mr. Claus's toy factory, the novice elf Tifa has been assigned to section thirteen to screw on case lids. This could lead us to the classic Christmas joke: How many elves does it take to screw on a case lid? Answer: Just two, but they'll sometimes fall off the case lid while they are screwing. But the author doesn't go there. Instead, we have a face-off between the Elf Maidens Gwena and Tifa. Will Gwena convert Tifa and the others to the power of darkness? Or will Tifa win Gwena over to the power of Light? Or will they simply engage in wild elfin sex and go their separate ways? Or will Gwena possess the body of Tifa and seduce Santa himself? And what will Mrs. Claus do if she finds out? The answers may surprise you. There's only one way to find out. Read the story. Ratings for "An Elf Maiden's Christmas" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 9 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9 "All I Want for Xmas" by No One (tcm_mct@hotmail.com). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=311053249 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=311053257 Bree is a young lady who has discovered and accepted her lesbian orientation. Which is fortunate, because Santa Claus happens to be female in this story. Actually, it's not Santa who is delivering Bree's present, but rather one of those elves with fiery red hair, pert breasts, and a tight little ass - the sort that evokes visions of sugarplums. After some small talk over milk and cookies, the elf serves herself up as Bree's Christmas present. The story even has a moral: it's only when you start taking the gift for granted that it loses its meaning, and is no longer a gift. This is another very nice story! Ratings for "All I Want for Xmas" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 9 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9 "Holly & Ivy - An Xmas Fantasy" by Captain Atom (captatom@thepentagon.com). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=311048213 Many other Christmas stories have a plot of sorts - something to do with harmony in the universe or being kind to children. This one is a straight fuck and suck story: the narrator finds Holly and Ivy under his Christmas tree, and they're off to the races. It's hot stuff! Ratings for "Holly & Ivy" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 9 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9 "The Twelve Nights of Xmas" by Captain Atom (captatom@thepentagon.com). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=311048216 The narrator has done a good deed for Mary, a new vice-president at the company he works for. As a reward, he has received the gift of a new woman for each of the twelve nights of Christmas. Beats the hell out of a partridge in a pear tree or a bunch of lords a leaping! The episodes are hot but brief. I suspect that the author knows that there are FORTY days in Lent. Ratings for "The Twelve Nights of Xmas" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 9 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9 "Charlie B's Christmas" by Sacvan (sacvan@hotmail.com). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=309784455 Charlie Brown has been seduced yet one more time by Lucy. No, not for sex, but to play football. As he approaches the ball to give it a good, firm kick like one of the Pilgrims from the Mayflower, he notices that Lucy is wearing no panties at all. Her cunt is pink and beautiful, with just a well-groomed touch of her raven-black hair, flashing sensuous organic color right next to the white snow. As he continues his approach, he notices that the tuft of pubic hair seems sticky. The fingers of her other hand are rhythmically circling her clitoris, her pelvis moving in sympathy. Maybe she had been masturbating right on his front porch. Or perhaps she had just had sex with someone else. The hand reaches down, so delicately, it seems to take impossibly long, and inserts fingers deep into her cunt. She tosses her head back, her lips parted.... Will he kick the ball, or will the distraction cause Charlie Brown to miss the football yet one more time? This story will make no sense to Europeans, who think football is soccer. The story is not yet complete. The author promises us the rest by next Christmas. I hope he keeps that promise. Ratings for "Charlie B's Christmas" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 8 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8 "A Christmas Triple -- Three Stories by Kim" (Ghost@nym.alias.net). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=310116260 Kim certainly has been writing some excellent stories lately! This is a set of three stories, each quite different from the others. "A Quiet Rooftop Orgy" is set in the context of Malinov's Holiday Orgy. To put it briefly, Kim and Rob get it on nicely on the rooftop of the Castle. Then in "Dark Doings in the Dungeons" various authors punish the repentant reviewer for her pernicious punditry, if there is such a word. But the depraved damsel bares up - er, bears up - and takes on all comers - men and women, fingers, tongues, pricks, dildos, with a delightfully wicked enjoyment and offers her customary love and kisses to all. The final story, "Silent Night," is not as good as the other two. It relies heavily on a surprise ending that just didn't move me. But two out of three ain't bad! Ratings for "A Christmas Triple" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Forget All That" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=309575152 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=309863113 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=310046955 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=310257476 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=310469176 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=310717338 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=310956592 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=311296168 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=311609996 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=311844003 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=312070547 I suppose the main characteristic of the sexual activity in Uther Pendragon's stories is that it is both delightfully arousing and arousingly delightful. In addition, the sexual activity is a perfectly natural part of each story. We don't read about sexual athletes or people under the mystical influence of mind control; we read about people like ourselves or our parents twenty or fifty years ago. It turns out we might have been interesting and sexy people. And then we have the aphorisms - adages that would make Benjamin Franklin proud. **** "There is room for two in a twin bed, but not for two and a wet spot." **** "Daughters and husbands both create messes, but my daughter and my husband are both worth it." This chapter in the Brennan saga is written from Jeanette's perspective, and it includes her perfect description of her perfect man: "His puns are execrable, his vocabulary can make me blush, he thinks that passing gas is funny, his version of vacuuming a carpet isn't worth plugging the machine in, he can out-stubborn a cat without even trying. He will, however, hug me when I need it without my telling him why I need it. And no, you can't have him." When you mix that sort of thing with discussions of family finances, parenting skills, French phrases that are easily transparent to non-francophiles, and really hot and tender sex, the result is a darned good story. As this story begins, Bob and Jeanette have now been married for ten years. Imagine that. The Kitten (their daughter) is not yet a year old. They have returned to Bob's parents' house to celebrate Christmas and to make this story eligible for the Celestial Christmas Story Contest. The story is a remarkable combination of current activities and flashbacks to Bob's and Jeanette's earlier lives together and apart. I laughed and I cried and visited my own version of Bob for orgasmic and comic relief. What more can a girl ask for in a story? The story is long on "relationships" - in this case with a focus on the relationship between Bob and his family. In addition, within this line of thought the author gives us sometimes lengthy digressions on complex topics. For example, we get a complex lecture on economics from Bob's father. This is boring - but that's the point: the old man goes off onto perplexing tangents, but that's part of his personality. I think it is always difficult to deal with relevant but extraneous information in a story where the readers will be looking for erotic impact. I suppose this author could improve, but I think he already does a pretty good job. My advice is, if you find yourself reading a paragraph that sounds way too complex, just read it without trying to understand all the details. There's a good chance the author is just trying to give the impression that the characters are having complex thoughts - he's probably not really trying to teach you any French or economic theory. As in many other episodes of the "For" stories, the author throws in tantalizing details that make us wonder, "What was that all about?" For example, in this episode Bob and Jeanette visit her family as well as Bob's. The details of that visit led me to suspect that Jeanette had been subjected to some form of childhood sexual abuse from which Bob wants to protect his wife and his daughter. The author handles this kind of innuendo extremely well. Penultimately, let me give you non-francophiles some free help. Bob and Jeanette are long on puns. The main pun in this episode occurs whenever the baby says, "Oooh." Each time this happens Bob immediately replies (often in French), "No, it's not August; it's December." Ya see - The French word for August sounds remotely like "Oooh," and since Jeanette is a student of French.... Finally, please note that the story has been reposted in revised form by John Dark (john_dark@anon.nymserver.com). Ratings for "Forget All That" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Thank You, Mr. Dickens" by El Sol. http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=424164807 The author has subtitled this "A Slightly Sexier Christmas Carol. And indeed it is. Although Ebonezer Razz is a modern version of Ebenezer Scrooge, the author has expended legitimate and fruitful effort to bring the old tightwad into the 20th century. In addition, the genders of some of the characters have been changed in order to enrich the sexual experiences. To enjoy this story, all you have to do is engage in a few "what if's?" What if Scrooge had a sexy half-sister instead of a loving nephew? What if his beleaguered employee were a hard-working but attractive secretary rather than a guy with a crippled kid? What if Scrooge begrudged his employees their happiness but then eavesdropped on a couple of them having sex in the office during the Christmas party? Think of the voyeurism that would be possible during the visits of the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future! Think of what Scrooge could do that would be more memorable than send a prize goose to his nephew! And who might exclaim, "God bless us every one!" at the climax of the story - and how might that climax and those words differ from Tiny Tim's? This story has great potential, but the author himself points out in his disclaimer that this story isn't yet quite what he wanted. The Christmas Carol theme seems to be a natural for a sexy Christmas story, but nobody yet has risen to the task. El Sol promises to try again next year. I hope he does. It's already a good story, but it could become much better. And remember: the copyright has expired; so the rest of you can grab onto this story as well. Ratings for "Thank You, Mr. Dickens Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 9 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9 "A Christmas Pony" by Grr Raoul Leash. http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=205765895 I'm a city girl. But that doesn't mean I don't know about country livin'. I listen to country songs on the radio, and they talk about lonely hearts, pickup trucks, unfaithful women, hard-living men, and greyhound buses. They don't talk about Christmas ponies. The young folks don't get much done 'cuz they're having too much fun in grandma's feather bed or rolling in the hay with Farmer Johnson's daughters, because there ain't nothin' wrong with their radios. The men occasionally leave their women at home while they pursue a Holy Grail called the damned ole rodeo. The women are often tigers in their tight-fitting jeans who are looking for love in all the wrong places down at the honky tonk. But none of them concern themselves with Christmas ponies. If country folks really DID have Christmas ponies, I'd know about. Pam Tillis would have mentioned it in her ballad about her crazy life. Believe me: those songs are straightforward. They sing about partying with Jose Cuerv o and waking up in someone else's clothes; about living in two-story (not storey) houses; about little lovin' lies; and about two-timing bastards. One of my favorites is a ditty by the Stattler Brothers about "My Bed of Roses" - actually a pun on Rose's Bed - in which a teenager describes how he learned all the things a man should know from a woman not approved of I suppose, whom the church-going folks in town wouldn't even talk to. A Christmas pony wouldn't even be a stretch for country singers, who invented the term Dolly Parton and have been known to name their male children Sue. No, there is no such thing as a Christmas pony. But heck, there's no such thing as Santa either. And Rudolph doesn't really have a nose that glows. Nor does frosty go thmpity thump thump before he comes each winter. And so a story about a Christmas pony is not out of order. Viewed from the proper perspective, this story is a real laugher. The basic plot is that Santa brings a Christmas pony down the chimney; and while Mom, Dad, Billy Bob, and Sis look on and plot their future activities, Santa has sex with the pony right there in front of the Christmas tree and fireplace. This obviates the need for egg nog! And as Billy Bob (actually Jimmy) says to his father: "And you and Mom won't allow Amy or me to have human sex until we're eighteen. I fully understand your reasons why. So that's when I came up with the idea of having sex with animals. I can learn about sex, have a great time at it, and won't get some girl pregnant." Which reminds me: What goes "Ho, Ho, Ho, Clunk?" Answer: Santa Claus laughing his head off. What goes "Ho, Ho, Ho, Clunk, Clunk, Clunk, Clunk....?" Answer: Santa Claus laughing his head off at the top of the stairs. Ratings for "A Christmas Pony" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Home for Christmas" by Unknown Author. http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=214604004 Dan is not exactly excited about the prospects of a boring visit to his family to exchange Christmas presents. After all, they're just a bunch of step-siblings; and he has never felt very close to them. But wait! Ami has grown up, and now he's happy to feel very close to her indeed. As the narrator puts it, her topography (not typography!) has improved. A good time is had by both. Ratings for "Home for Christmas" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 6 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7 "Joan for Christmas" by Unknown Author. http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=223831779 John goes shopping for Christmas, and he buys a sexy dress as a special present for himself. In the parking lot he gets almost run over by a car, and during the time between the time he first sees the car and the time when he is helped to his feet, he hallucinates about being a woman, having sex, getting pregnant, and having a baby. The story is not even as good as the preceding confused sentence might make it seem. It contains a huge number of annoying typographical (not topographical) errors - mostly wrong words that make the story even more confusing than would seem possible. Ratings for "Joan for Christmas" Athena (technical quality): 6 Venus (plot & character): 3 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 1 "Solstice Present" by Michael Snider (msnider@mindspring.com). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=264041250 This story is interesting for what doesn't happen as well as for what does occur. First, the woman's bathrobe falls open in front of the bellboy, but she doesn't fuck him - she just adds him to her fantasy repertoire. The very next paragraph refers to a hand job, but the term refers to the fact that the package the bellboy brought is hand-wrapped. Now, on to what DOES happen. The woman is alone with Jose Cuervo at a resort at which her husband will join her in two days. {Jose Cuervo is a brand name of tequila. I know this because the name comes up often in country western songs that often supply background music for my private orgies with my husband. Hence, the phrase, "No way, Jose!"} The package contains a solstice present from her husband - some basic bdsm material and an introductory note from Marka, who will orchestrate her fantasy fulfillment. Well, you can take it from there. Let me just say that things work out pretty well or everyone. Ratings "Solstice Present" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Office Christmas Party" by Remy (dianthus@concentric.net). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=286984485 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=242315294 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=286984170 "You" are at your boyfriend's office Christmas party. Since "you" are eventually tied spread eagle to a desktop while several guys fuck your cunt, "you" are apparently a female. So if you are actually a guy, what the hell are you supposed to think while you're reading this story? See, when I say you, I mean you - the person who is reading these words. When this author says "you," he apparently means "she" but wants to confuse "you" by asking you to pretend that you are she, which makes no sense if you don't have a cunt that can be probed by all those penises. Even if you're a woman - say, perhaps moi (that's French for Yours Truly) - the "you" makes no sense. I am not at all like this woman. I have watched such women at parties and I might enjoy reading stories about them, but why confuse the issue by insisting that she is me? When you wrote this story, you should have said "she" instead of "you." The previous sentence was silly, because you did not write this story, unless you happen to be the author. Is there a lesson in this? What this author probably did was write the story as a fantasy for someone else - maybe a cyberlover with whom he wanted to share a sex fantasy or a drinking partner sharing Jose Cuervo. She read it and said, "God! This makes my pussy wet! I came fourteen times just reading it! You oughta publish this shit!" And so he did, but he did not have the insight or courtesy to revise it in order to enable a different audience to enjoy it. Authors do this all the time. I don't understand it. Well, I do understand it, but I think it sucks. If you want to write a story for an audience of one, that's OK. But if you want to write the story for a general public, do it right! It is possible to write a "you" story. For example, we readers might view the letters of one person to another or eavesdrop on their conversations. But good "you" stories are unusual. They are difficult to write. My advice is to write from the first (I) or third person (he/she) perspective, unless you have a good reason to use the second person. In addition to the second-person problem, the author uses a weird melange of verb tenses to confuse the reader further. However, as I understand it, a woman goes to an office party, gets drunk, sucks the monster cock of another drunk, and enjoys this immensely. This has something to do with spite towards her boyfriend, Jeremy - fuck the bastard! Then Jeremy catches her and punishes her; but no matter: she has orgasms all the while he beats and abuses her. Then he invites his friends to torture her, and one of them burns her "right nibble" with a cigarette, which hurts like hell and leads to more orgasms. I guess this all makes sense. After all, if you believe, anything can be true - isn't that what Miracle on 54th Street is all about? Ratings "Office Christmas Party" Athena (technical quality): 7 Venus (plot & character): 4 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 2 "Zucchini" by Frank McCoy. http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453283414 Actually, this story is not by Frank McCoy. Frank himself suspects it's by someone named Tammy, but Tammy says it's something she picked up under the original title "The Christmas Present." Anyway, you wouldn't spontaneously select this as a Christmas story, unless someone told you about it. The basic premise is that zucchini (I guess that's the plural) make excellent natural dildos. They come in any size necessary to fit any vagina. All you have to do is pick them when they reach the size you want. In fact, if you slept in the garden, the damned things might grow inside you - but that would be a different short story.In the summertime they grow almost as quickly as some guys' cocks. At the beginning of the story, the man sees his ten-year-old daughter fucking herself with a zucchini. When he reports the episode to his wife (Mrs. Potato-Head - no, I'm just kidding!), she tells him that he should go into the little girl's room and have sex with her, in order to "save her from masturbating with a stupid vegetable." The wife adds: "She'll never be able to relate properly to a man, if all her early experience with sex is just some frigid cucumber." This may sound stupid, but I had a friend who had a bunch of baby ducks imprint on him. They followed him all over the place, quacking outside his door late into the night. As the saying goes, "Like duck, like cucumber"; and I suspect this can be extended to zucchini. All this is interesting, you might say (or probably not), but what does it have to do with Christmas? Well, I was just coming to that. Approximately 8.5 years after Daddy begins boinking his baby, during which time they have constantly copulating like coaxial cables, Little Lynnie gives Daddy for Christmas an unopened tampon and applicator. She doesn't need it anymore, because she's pregnant with his son/grandson! Isn't that special? So that's why there's an angel on top of the Christmas tree. I know that's a non sequitur, but so is this entire story. Ratings "Zucchini" Athena (technical quality): 7 Venus (plot & character): 8 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 2 "Edging All The Way: Holiday J/O Good Thing" by Frank Nash, The New York Jacker (nyjaquer@smartec.com). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=299345550 This isn't really a Christmas story, but it comes a lot closer than the previous attempt, if you'll pardon the pun. What we have hear is some good, solid advice (or soiled advice, as my spellcheck preferred) regarding how to masturbate during the Christmas season, as well as at other times during the year. I have secretly suspected that some of the people who frequent the a.s.s.* newsgroups engage in what my eighth-grade nun mysteriously referred to as "self-abuse" or "the solitary sin." I now believe that both of those terms refer to excessive scrupulosity, and I find it refreshing to find a discussion of techniques for stroking the one-eyed burping gecko. This article shows that when a young man decides to take matters into his own hands or to windsurf on Mount Baldy, he can do more than whack the weasel in order to tenderize his tube steak before shooting putty at the moon. Actually, there are four articles in this series. In addition to the one I am reviewing, there are 2. Maxing Out Your Loads 3. Work out your COCK 4. Maxing out your jackoff The articles are designed mostly for men, but women may also find them stimulating. The information is slightly redundant, but some folks may want to try this more than once. In other words, masturbation can be more than sacrificing sperm to the goddess of lonely nights. These guidelines may help you shake the paint loose the next time you polish your bayonet or pop your clutch. Maybe this "story" would qualify as "seasonal" because it could lead to some New Years Resolutions. Ratings "Edging All The Way Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Santa's Cumming!" by Karen Flynn (TGSTORIES@station1.com). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=298897357 This is an insipid and illiterate story about a guy who wishes he was a girl. Santa comes down the chimney and brings him a dress for Christmas. After some flashbacks - surprise! The story doesn't end here; but we can go to a web site to get the rest. Yeah, right.... And Santa doesn't cum either. This is the sort of thing that happens when you promise to review any story you can get your hands on that has something to do with Christmas. Ratings "Edging All The Way Athena (technical quality): 4 Venus (plot & character): 3 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 1 "A Letter to my Babe" by Dexy (padiday@hotmail.com). The only reason this is a "Christmas story" is because the eponymous letter is dated December 18. Give it another date, and you have an Easter story, a Mother's Day story, or even a Guy Fawkes Day story. But the rules for the contest do say that "I'll interpret this seasonal theme loosely," and so the story is certainly eligible for consideration. This is really a "you" story, like the previously-reviewed Christmas Office Party story. The "you" perspective makes slightly more sense in this one, because it is a letter addressed to somebody else. However, I still had trouble getting into the mood of the story, because it seemed to be written for an audience that did not include me - as if the author had a story ready to post, saw a Christmas story contest, and then adapted this story to that purpose by simply inserting a date and saying, "I'll be thinking of you at Christmas." Imagine that. Given the preceding constraints, this is a pretty good story. It's a fantasy about what a bloke would like to do to his babe down under - I mean in Australia. Actually, the man is in Australia, but the fantasy takes place in exotic India. It's a pretty good fantasy. Ratings "A Letter to my Babe" Athena (technical quality): 8 Venus (plot & character): 7 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8 "Carole" by Kim (Ghost@nym.alias.net). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=308609327 Why is Kim leaving the bar with her panties in her pocket, and what does this have to do with Christmas? Well, it's because she had been thinking about her present (meaning now, not a gift) and then somebody was kind enough to show her a possible future. In short, she has met Carole, who had put the scroo in Scrooge. The sex in this story isn't actively sexy, but it's still an important part of a very good story. Kim weaves together several separate, vivid incidents into a good slice-of-life plot. Kim doesn't start this story with a claim that it is "true"; and I seriously doubt that these things really happened to her exactly as she describes them. Nevertheless, this story has a ring of authenticity to it that is often missing in stories on this newsgroup. The only problem - and it's really a minor one - is that Kim should have consulted her proofreader before going to press with this story. Another 24 hours and one more set of revisions could have made this an even better story. Ratings "Carole" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Destiny Manifested" by Losgud (losgud@hotmail.com). Sam's life sucks. In the bad sense. One of the reasons his life sucks is that his girlfriend doesn't. In the good sense. That is, it sucks bad that she doesn't suck good. But no matter. He breaks up with her and plans a Christmas visit to his long-lost sister Miriam in California. It turns out that Miriam has become wealthy, and Sam arrives just in time for the lavish Christmas bash at her house. Miriam has given her friends and associates the impression that Sam is a friend rather than her brother, and - can you see where this is going yet? Right - adult incest sans social stigma. When the brother and sister get going, the sex is both tender and hot; and the author blends all of this with personality development that doesn't hinder the action at all. This is an excellent story. Ratings "Destiny Manifested" Athena (technical quality): 9.5 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Christmas with the Andersons" by James Boswell (Jaybos@cris.com). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=204043725 Bobby is lonely and depressed, because he has to wait around to take his last exam after all his college friends have gone home for Christmas break. Readers of this story don't suffer, however, because Bobby spends his time rehashing a sexy scene from earlier in the school year. When he finally catches his plane and goes home, he is met at the airport by his sensual mother and sexy sister - or maybe it's vice versa. Then things rapidly become more and more interesting. I chose this story because its title had a Christmas theme, and ‘tis the season. Actually, it's not all that seasonal. True, Heather gives Bobby a simple blowjob rather than a complete enfuckment because she has already gone to confession and doesn't want to have to go again before going to communion on Christmas; but I think that's theologically ambiguous at best. {Heather must have had different nuns than I did.} But when Laurie boinks the boss at the office while she's still full of her husband's cum from the wake-up call - well, that could have been opening day of baseball season as well as a few days before Christmas. On the other hand, the wild session with Stan the Man in the station wagon did at least start at the office Christmas party; and the drunken orgy that included Stan's little brother was really an extension of what had started earlier. Meanwhile, back at basketball practice, the lesbian coach has become attracted by the combination of sexy innocence and sweet sluttiness exuded by Bobby's 14-year-old sister, Amanda. And then we find Bobby wondering if his sexy mother is naked while he hears her grunting on the exercise machine in her bedroom. Certainly Sherri's big tits and the way she bangs the hell out of Robert at the office don't qualify as a Christmas story. To be sure, Mr. Dawson is deeply interested in the youth of his community; but since that's really just a euphemism for liking his girls a little on the young side, it hardly qualifies as a Christmas motif. Ah, here's a connection: when Laurie is kneading the dough for the Christmas cookies, she's really needing a couple of cocks. Then there's father O'Sullivan - a kind of Bing Crosby or John Black {for you DOOL fans} with raging hormones, leading the girls' choir in practicing carols. In his bed at night, as he whips his hand up and down his turgid flesh, lost in lust and guilt, his thoughts have often turned to doing indecent and indescribable things to sweet Amanda Anderson. What would father O'Mally say about that? Maybe I'm being too rough. After all, Mrs. Stone does say "Merry Christmas!" to Bobby after she lures him away from the party and before she pulls a Mrs. Robinson with him. And when Mrs. Stone's daughter catches them in the act, Bobby and Mindy do go at it like reindeer in heat; and Bobby does explain his absence from the party as "checking out the Christmas decorations." Well, it all comes together when they exchange Christmas presents. And later that night, after all the festivities, while Amanda is gently masturbating in front of a glowing fire, visualizing in her mind's eye the special efforts she had put in to get just the right presents, generally reviewing her year's sexual exploits, looking up in the midst of an orgasm to see her big brother looking down at her.... If the mother's name had been Carol, we would have a clear musical connection: "Here we go a' caroling!" As it is, we'll just have to settle for that other Christmas favorite: "Yes, I need a little pussy, "Right this very minute...." This is very hot reading for a cold winter's night. It has some minor stylistic flaws, but it's an excellent story. Ratings for "Christmas with the Andersons" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Adult Christmas" by Abby (abbywife@aol.com). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=204343011 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=204341799 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=204345175 This is going to be a little hard to explain: there IS a Santa Claus, but he comes only for selected families when the woman turns 40 and the youngest child has stopped believing in Santa. And he's not an old man; he's a virile 30-year-old with a wife that gives great head to male and female alike. And that's not all; but you really should read the story to find out about it for yourself. Don't let the brevity of this review lead you to believe that this is a weak story. It's really excellent! Ratings for "Adult Christmas" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Faerie Tale I" by D-Singer. http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=204904734 While I was looking for Christmas stories for this issue, I came upon this THC repost - fairies, elves - close enough, I thought. 'Twould be more appropriate for St. Patrick's Day, but a delightful story this is. The lass who narrates the story has returned from America to Ireland, where she goes skinny dipping in a bucolic wilderness stream and is accosted by a brawny lad who mistakes her for a water nymph. Well, to meet a nymph is good luck, but to have intercourse with one means death; but the young man figures, "What a way to go!" They don't actually SLEEP together, so I suppose the guy lived happily ever after. Ratings for "Faerie Tale I" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Santa's Cumming" by Kansica (Kansica@aol.com). http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=205596051 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=205538701 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=205539318 http://www.deja.com/getdoc.xp?AN=205539669 On a whim, the beautiful blonde lady decides to have her picture taken with the mall's Santa Claus. When he asks her what she wants for Christmas, she replies, "Well, mom thinks I need a man. Could you bring me a gorgeous specimen of a man?" {At a recent Christmas party, the Santa Claus asked my husband what he wanted. He replied, "Can I have a copy of your list of naughty girls?" When Santa demurred, my husband said, "OK. I'll settle for your list of NICE girls." I think I'll keep him!} When Santa asks her if she's been a good girl, she replies that she has been quite slutty, and she feels his ears with dirty but delicious details. Of course, she is sitting on his lap during this part of the narrative. Anyway, Santa assures her that it's sometimes nice to be naughty and asks her to meet him after work. It seems that Mrs. Claus no longer has much interest in sexual activity other than missionary style once a month. Santa needs relief from his hectic life, and he'd like Jennifer to help out. Mrs. Claus has no objections, but she has insisted that Santa never have missionary-style sex with another woman. {No wonder Santa laughs so much!} Santa is free to engage in sexual intercourse in any other position, with the further stipulation that he videotape each encounter to protect himself from being sued or arrested for rape. Got your attention yet? Check this story out for yourself! Oh! I forgot to tell you - Santa is looking for the right woman to give to his helpers as a reward for their good work throughout the holidays. They so seldom have time to indulge in the pleasures of the flesh.... This is a VERY creative and stimulating story! Ratings for "Santa's Cumming" Athena (technical quality):9 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 -- If you enjoyed this work, take a moment to email the author. Your comments are their only payment. Pursuant to the Berne Convention, this work is copyright with all rights reserved by its author unless explicitly indicated. +----------------' Story submission `-+-' Moderator contact `--------------+ | | | | ASSM Archive site +-----------------+--------------------+ Newsgroup FAQ | | --- | +--------------------------------------------------------------------------+ | This newsgroup is moderated by ASSTR, an entity supported by donations. | | If you enjoy this newsgroup, please consider making a donation to help | | Alt.Sex.Stories Text Repository keep providing this free service for you.| | Donations: | \_________________________________________________________________________/