Message-ID: <20577eli$9903150435@qz.little-neck.ny.us> X-Archived-At: From: Uther Pendragon Subject: Re: {ASS} Celestial Reviews 319 - March 14, 1999 Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories.hetero Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d Reply-To: Celeste801@aol.com X-Disclaimer: Nyx is a Free Public Access Internet Service: http://www.nyx.net Our AUP / Free Speech Policy are at http://www.nyx.net/policies/ Direct complaints to abuse@nyx.net X-Post-Path: iris.nyx.net!anon584c@nyx.nyx.net Path: qz!not-for-mail Organization: The Committee To Thwart Spam Approved: X-Moderator-Contact: Eli the Bearded X-Story-Submission: X-Original-Message-ID: <921445312.202343@iris.nyx.net> X-Is-Review: yes Celestial Reviews 319 – March 14, 1999 Note: {humor, ped? voy, cod} The husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to talk about sex without letting their children in on the secret. They decided to employ a typing metaphor. One day the husband told his five-year-old daughter, "Go tell mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back and told her father what mommy had said. A few days later the mother told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The little girl immediately responded, "I think he already wrote the letter by hand." Second Note: {humor, penguin, oral?} A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal." "No, no," the penguin replies, "It's just ice cream." Third note: Possible Titles for Monica Lewinsky's New Book: 1. I Suck At My Job 2. What Really Goes Down In The White House 3. How I Blew It In Washington 4. You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President 5. Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule 6. Going Back for Gore 7. Podium Girl 8. Secret Services to the President 9. Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton 10. Deep Inside The Oval Office 11. The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions 12. She's Chief of MY Staff! 13. Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes 14. How To Beat Off the Government 15. Going Down and Moving Up 16. Members of the Presidential Cabinet 17. Me and My Big Mouth Fourth note: If you used to review stories for me and still want to do so but I have not found you since my return, you may want to drop me a line. I lost all your addresses in my computer crash. Fifth note: Even though someone else is posting this for me, my address is still celeste801@aol.com. Blowjob Principle: My contribution to the world of which I am the proudest is my proclamation of the Blowjob Principle, which states, "If you ever want to get a second blowjob, you should do something to make the giver happy about having given you the first blowjob." These stories are blowjobs. If you want to keep on getting good stories, you should do something to make the authors glad they wrote the ones you have already read and enjoyed. You may find this hard to believe, but even really good writers like to hear from their audience. One of the best things you can do is send the author a little note that says, "I really liked your story because…." As far as I know, all the authors of the stories I review receive no compensation beyond the satisfaction of writing these stories, and your response can contribute to that satisfaction. The Blowjob Principle is applicable to all areas of life. For example, if your English teacher does a good job, she's more likely to repeat that performance if you make her happy that she went through all the trouble to prepare the lesson so well. So remember the Blowjob Principle: "If you ever want to get a second blowjob, you had better make the giver happy about having given you the first one." Final note: I want to thank Techguy for helping me out by finding the Links for the stories and for making a few important corrections for each issue. ===================== Celestial Reviews Index: ===================== "The Key" by Pami (quickie) 9, 7, 7 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=386887916 "Making Love" by Bluelady (romantic poem) 9.5, 9, 9 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=409238869 "Traffic Incident 1 & 2" by Nick (cop & robber bondage) 8, 6, 5 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=447050589 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=451845960 "Term Paper" by Bill Hayden (sexy flirtation) 10, 10, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=448655236 "Love: A Play " by Prufrock54 (poem) 10, 8, 8 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=447987486 "Small Talk" by Prufrock54 (conversation) 10, 8, 8 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=448452248 "Lost Cause Club" by Shon Richards (orgy) 9.5, 10, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=448247218 "Night Flight" by Al Steiner (mile-high sex) 9, 9, 9 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=427481227 "The Tiepolo Encounter" by MrSpraycan (art & bdsm) 10, 10, 9 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=452510626 "Thunder Struck" by Crimson Dragon (sex during a storm) 10, 9.5, 9.5 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=452921792 "Relative" by NL Soldier and BlueWords (incest) 6, 4, 4 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=452919767 "Love in an Elevator" by LeAnna (elevator sex) 9.5, 10, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453203274 "Piracy" by Lord Malinov (malinov@mindless.com) 10, 9.5, 9.5 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453324348 "Please, Don't" by Neos Fyllo (suicide) 9, 8, 8 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453324366 "Aphrodite's Revenge" by David Oberman (TV parody) 6, 5, 4 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453907492 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453907494 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453907497 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453907500 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453907503 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453907506 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453907508 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453907510 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453907513 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453907515 ===================== Guest Reviews: ===================== "Big Bend" by Rosa (sex with park ranger) Jubjub: 9.5, 8.5, 8.5 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=446008890 "Hots for a Hooker" by J. Boswell (sex with prostitute). Myers: 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=452531369 "Virginity is Curable, Inquire Within" by MichaelD38 (emerging sexualkity). DG: 10, 10, 10 http://x11.dejanews.com/[ST_rn=qs]/getdoc.xp?AN=445639118 "A Visit with Aunt Catherine" by Gordie D (a boy and his aunt) BillyG: 10, 7, 7 ===================== Here are the Reviews: ===================== "The Key" by Pami (pami1968@aol.com). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=386887916 This is a quickie about a high school teacher who falls asleep while preparing lessons and wakes up to find his girlfriend seated on his desk with her pussy ready for action. She has let herself in. Then she lets him in. It's a cute little story, if you're willing to believe that English teachers actually do things like this. Ratings for "The Key" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 7 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7 "Making Love" by Bluelady (bluelady16@aol.com). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=409238869 This is a simple but beautiful poem about two people making love. It speaks for itself. Ratings for "Making Love" Athena (technical quality): 9.5 Venus (plot & character): 9 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9 "Traffic Incident" by Nick (Nick@cassandra.demon.co.uk). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=447050589 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=451845960 This reads like a true story. Nick was minding his own business when he rear- ended a cop. No, it's not what you think. He ran his automobile into the back of the officer's vehicle. In Texas, the cop would say, "That thar your VEEEEhicle?" In Britain, however, the officer simply prepares to make sure that the offender never drives again, without necessarily cutting his testicles off. Just as the axe is about to fall, however, the policewoman accompanying the arresting officer recognizes Nick as a great author for a prominent Usenet forum. And so he gets out of his ticket. Is that all there is? Well, no. There's "Traffic Incident Part 2," in which it's payback time. Mary the Merry Gendarme demands that Nick write a story with her as the main character. And so he does. It's a story about a burglar who breaks into Mary's apartment, but she catches him and makes him tie her up and screw her. Then he robs her of all her valuables. I think this is a variation on a blonde cop joke. Nick has written better stories than this. If he hasn't, he should. Now I suppose I'll have to wait to be punished for this review. Ratings for "Traffic Incident" Athena (technical quality): 8 Venus (plot & character): 6 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5 "The Term Paper" by Bill Hayden (hayden@mindless.com). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=448655236 My husband sometimes tells me that he thinks some of my students are getting a little behind in their studies. He's proud of that little pun, and works it in any time he can. That's the narrator's problem in this story. He's sitting behind a young lady in class from whom he would like to get a little behind. Lately they've been having lunch together and have been engaging in double entendre, as should be obvious from this paragraph. And then I realized I had already reviewed this story. It was well worth re-reading, but I don't have time to write a separate review, because my husband says he thinks he's getting a little behind tonight. Go figure. I'll just repost the old review, which was one paragraph long. The older male student is working with the younger female student on a joint term paper in a class on Erotic Themes in Contemporary Theater." They retire to his apartment for practical verification of their theoretical research. The main emphasis in this story is on flirtation, and the author carries it off very well. Ratings for "The Term Paper" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Love: A Play " by Prufrock54 (prufrock54@my-dejanews.com) http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=447987486 This title is deceptive. "Love: A Play " is actually a poem, not a play. Well, maybe not a poem, but at least verse. This little ditty has no really great metaphors or passionate words of love. It's just the sort of thing that Shania Twain could turn into a C&W hit, except that Prufrock already has a copyright on the lyrics. Ratings for "Love: A Play " Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 8 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8 "Small Talk" by Prufrock54 (prufrock54@my-dejanews.com) http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=448452248 This author just isn't going to any stroke material for me to review today. This is an extremely well written story. It's almost impossible to ascertain what it's about until the very end, and even then there's a lot of ambiguity. But that's good. If you read the disclaimer carefully, you'll notice that this one doesn't tell you to go away if you're underage. That's because sex isn't even mentioned in it. You have to add it yourself, if you have a dirty mind. It's not really a sex story, and certainly not stroke material; but it's a well written little story. Ratings for "Small Talk" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 8 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8 "Lost Cause Club " by Shon Richards (lordshon@aol.com) http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=448247218 At the beginning of this story the protagonist finds that he has been classified by his dating service as a Lost Cause. As in Hopeless Case. Now, you might think that would be Bad News, but being a Lost Cause is bad only if you are in a novitiate in Nazi-occupied Austria and have an excessive fondness for hills that are alive with the sound of music and don't feel an urge to become a stepmother for eight little rascals. In the present case, what it means is that the dating service can't find him a permanent mate – a ball and chain – a war department with whom he has to check in at scheduled intervals. So even the initial disclosure is Good News. The even better news is that instead of finding him a girlfriend, the dating service is going to find him Happiness. As in an orgy. He's initially reluctant, but he has to go: it's part of the Terms of Service. Incidentally, this story helped me get over those TOS threats AOL occasionally throws my way. This is a very good story. It was full of hot sex that was so impersonal that I laughed my ass off. Even better, it had a misplaced modifier: "Like a lollipop, she continued to give me long loving licks, using the flat of her tongue to stroke me." When was the last time a lollipop licked you? That should be, "She continued to give me long loving licks, using the flat of her tongue to stroke me like a lollipop." If there's ever a Lost Cause Orgy for English Teachers, I suspect I'll be invited to it, just to check on the dangling modifiers and to separate the aureoles from the areolas. Ratings for "Lost Cause Club " Athena (technical quality): 9.5 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Night Flight" by Al Steiner (al_steiner@hotmail.com). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=427481227 The last time I read "Night Flight" it was by Antoine de St. Exupery. It really sucked, in a very negative sense, possibly because my French sucked in an even more negative sense. I think this story is different: I don't think there were any restrooms on St. Exupery's plane. "The Little Prince" was a much better story, probably because I read it in English. Jeff is an accountant. Christy is a former classmate from a long time ago who wants to become an accountant someday, but now is a flight attendant on Jeff's night flight. Jeff used to have jack-off fantasies about Christy, possibly in my English class. That would explain the persistent ignorance in spite of what I thought was a sudden glimmer of recognition in the eye of a student named Rick. They decide to sit together and discuss whatever pops up. Get it? I made that up myself. It's accountant humor. Well, maybe not. I have never been an accountant, nor have I ever played one in a sex story. Actually, they do the wild thing in the bathroom at the rear of the plane. Afterwards, she assures him that she is a good girl and gives him a free beer. I think that's a violation of airline rules – the free beer, that is. Anyway, all there really is to say about this story is that it's a good one. The overall setup for the story is well done. It supplies a good context for the sexual activity, which is cheap and tawdry but good. I looked for a synonym for tawdry, and my thesaurus suggested meretricious. Now there's a word that accountants don't use very often. I think that word is reserved for English teachers and librarians, as well it should be. Ratings for "Night Flight" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 9 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9 "The Tiepolo Encounter" by MrSpraycan (mrspraycan@mailanon.com). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=452510626 If you want to do some research on this story, you can check out the Tacita Dean exhibit at http://www.illumin.co.uk/britishart/artists/td/td_int1.html. Dean produced a famous film entitled "The Martyrdom of St. Agatha," which was inspired by the very same picture that inspired the present story. You can find an actual copy of that picture at this site. The site shows a diptych by Dean that combines several pictures so that the ensemble gives the impression of St. Agatha with her breasts on a plate looking up at the two nude sisters, with one of them tweaking the breast of the other. I guess this is the sort of thing you might expect to learn about from me, with my unending search for aureoles and areolas in the same work of art. Actually, the text accompanying the pictures at the web site is really weak, bordering on the otiose. So unless you want to see The Picture and discover that Agatha was the Patron Saint of Bellfounding (which I am going to tell you later anyway), I suggest that you just read this story and perhaps the rest of this review. In real Christian hagiography, St. Agatha is one of those saints (like St. Christopher), who never really existed. Christopher means "Christ Bearer," and the Christopher legend bears a striking resemblance to the Aesop fable about the fox crossing the river. The Catholic Church threw out these fake saints back in the 1960s, much to the consternation of the people who had St. Christopher statues next to their Plastic Jesuses on their dashboards. {The Microsoft Word spellcheck is monotheistic. It doesn't recognize the plural of Jesus.} Agatha means "kindly one." The most famous saint of that name was a fictitious virgin martyr, who died for her faith by refusing to marry the king of Sicily. {Exactly how refusing to marry the king of Sicily constitutes dying for one's faith is not something that is easy to explain.} In revenge, the royal bastard ordered Agatha's breasts sliced off. Early Christian icons often showed her carrying them on an offering dish called a patera {which is the case in the Tiepolo masterpiece}. For reasons that we need not discuss here, in a different series of icons St. Lucy is shown carrying her eyeballs on a patera. Possibly in a pre-medieval attempt at regressive sex education, the amputated breasts in these pictures were misinterpreted as bells. Therefore, Agatha became the patroness of bell founders. I'm not putting you on here. Indeed, the modern expression "gotcha by the balls" originated in the medieval expression "gotcha by the bells." I AM putting you on here. In the Catholic Encyclopedia, whose copyright has long ago expired, I found this tidbit: " Agatha, daughter of a distinguished family and remarkable for her beauty of person, was persecuted by the Senator Quintianus with avowals of love. As his proposals were resolutely spurned by the pious Christian virgin, he committed her to the charge of an evil woman, whose seductive arts, however, were baffled by Agatha's unswerving firmness in the Christian faith. Quintianus then had her subjected to various cruel tortures. Especially inhuman seemed his order to have her breasts cut off, a detail which furnished to the Christian medieval iconography the peculiar characteristic of Agatha. But the holy virgin was consoled by a vision of St. Peter, who miraculously healed her. Eventually she succumbed to the repeated cruelties practised on her. As already stated, these details, in so far as they are based on the Acts, have no claim to historical credibility." The Encyclopedia also adds Catania {actually Catana, I think} honours St. Agatha as its patron saint, and throughout the region around Mt. Etna she is invoked against the eruptions of the volcano, as elsewhere against fire and lightning. In some places bread and water are blessed during Mass on her feast after the Consecration, and called Agatha bread. I'm not putting you on here. In the same regions eruptions of a different kind are referred to by the natives as Agatha cum. I AM putting you on here. Inspired by what I had discovered, I looked up St. Agatha in Butler's "Lives of the Saints," which was published in 1864. Disclaimer: If you think a.s.s.* is bad, wait till you see this. * * * St. Agatha, Virgin and Martyr {virg, tort, breast, sheep, snuff, common stew, no salves, no sex} THE cities of Palermo and Catana, in Sicily, dispute the honour of her birth; but they do much better who, by copying her virtues, and claiming her patronage, strive to become her fellow-citizens in heaven. It is agreed that she received the crown of martyrdom at Catana, in the persecution of Decius, in the third consulship of that prince, in the year of our Lord 251. She was of a rich and illustrious family, and having been consecrated to God from her tender years, triumphed over many assaults upon her chastity. Quintianus, a man of consular dignity, bent on gratifying both his lust and avarice, imagined he should easily compass his wicked designs on Agatha's person and estate by means of the emperor's edict against the Christians. He therefore caused her to be apprehended and brought before him at Catana. Seeing herself in the hands of the persecutors, she made this prayer: "Jesus Christ, Lord of all things, you see my heart, you know my desire-possess alone all that I am. I am your sheep, make me worthy to overcome the devil." She wept, and prayed for courage and strength all the way she went. On her appearance, Quintianus gave orders for her being put into the hands of Aphrodisia, a most wicked woman, who, with six daughters, all prostitutes, kept a common stew. The saint suffered in this infamous place assaults and stratagems against her virtue infinitely more terrible to her than any tortures or death itself. But placing her confidence in God, she never ceased with sighs and most earnest tears to implore his protection, and by it was an overmatch for all their hellish attempts the whole month she was there. Quintianus, being informed of her constancy after thirty days, ordered her to be brought before him. The virgin, in her first interrogatory, told him that to be a servant of Jesus Christ was the most illustrious nobility and true liberty. The judge, offended at her resolute answers, commanded her to be buffeted and led to prison. She entered it with great joy, recommending her future conflict to God. The next day she was arraigned a second time at the tribunal, and answered with equal constancy that Jesus Christ was her life and her salvation. Quintianus then ordered her to be stretched on the rack, which torment was usually accompanied with stripes, the tearing of the sides with iron hooks, and burning them with torches or matches. The governor, enraged to see her suffer all this with cheerfulness, commanded her breast to be tortured, and afterwards to be cut off. At which she made him this reproach: "Cruel tyrant, do you not blush to torture this part of my body, you that sucked the breasts of a woman yourself?" He remanded her to prison, with a severe order that neither salves nor food should be allowed her. But God would be himself her physician, and the apostle St. Peter in a vision comforted her, healed all her wounds, and filled her dungeon with a heavenly light. Quintianus, four days after, not the least moved at the miraculous cure of her wounds, caused her to be rolled naked over live coals mixed with broken potsherds. Being carried back to prison, she made this prayer: "Lord, my Creator, you have ever protected me from the cradle; you have taken me from the love of the world, and given me patience to suffer: receive now my soul." After which words she sweetly gave up the ghost. Her name is inserted in the canon of the mass in the calendar of Carthage, as ancient as the year 530, and in all martyrologies of the Latins and Greeks. Pope Symmachus built a church in Rome on the Aurelian Way under her name, about the year 500, which is fallen to decay. St. Gregory the Great enriched a church which he purged from the Arian impiety with her relics, which it still possesses. This church had been rebuilt in her honour by Ricimer, general of the Western Empire, in 460. Gregory II built another famous church at Rome, under her invocation, in 726, which Clement VIII gave to the congregation of the Christian doctrine. St. Gregory the Great ordered some of her relics to be placed in the church of the monastery of St. Stephen, in the Isle of Capreae, now Capri. The chief part, which remained at Catana, was carried to Constantinople by the Greek general, who drove the Saracens out of Sicily about the year 1040; these were brought back to Catana in 1127, a relation of which translation, written by Mauritius, who was then bishop, is recorded by Rocci Pyrrho and Bollandus. The same authors relate in what manner the torrent of burning sulphur and stones which issue from mount Aetna, in great eruptions, was several times averted from the walls of Catana by the veil of St. Agatha (taken out of her tomb), which was carried in procession. Also that through her intercession, Malta (where she is honored as patroness of the island) was preserved from the Turks who invaded it in 1551. Small portions of relics of St. Agatha are said to be distributed in many places. The perfect purity of intention by which St. Agatha was entirely dead to the world and herself, and sought only to please God, is the circumstance which sanctified her sufferings, and rendered her sacrifice complete. The least cross which we bear, the least action which we perform in this disposition, will be a great holocaust, and a most acceptable offering. We have frequently something to offer-sometimes an aching pain in the body, at other times some trouble of mind, often some disappointment, some humbling rebuke, or reproach, or the like. If we only bear these trials with patience when others are witnesses, or if we often speak of them, or are fretful under them, or if we bear patiently public affronts or great trials, yet sink under those which are trifling, and are sensible to small or secret injuries, it is evident that we have not attained to true purity of intention in our patience; that we are not dead to ourselves. We profess ourselves ready to die for Christ, yet cannot bear the least cross or humiliation. How agreeable to our divine spouse is the sacrifice of a soul which suffers in silence, desiring to have no other witness of her patience than God alone, who sends her trials; which shuns superiority and honours, but takes all care possible that no one knows the humility or modesty of such a refusal; which suffers humiliations and seeks no comfort or reward but from God. This simplicity and purity of heart; this love of being hid in God, through Jesus Christ, is the perfection of all our sacrifices, and the complete victory over self-love, which it attacks and forces out of its strongest intrenchments: this says to Christ, with St. Agatha, "Possess alone all that I am." * * * Incidentally, part of Agatha's legend may have arisen from the Christian habit of knocking the breasts off statues of priestesses and goddesses in Greco- Roman art. I want you to know that there is a school right here in the United States where students get equally interesting information at taxpayer expense almost daily. In MrSpraycan's story, the guy goes to the museum, where he ogles women and watches the way they react to Tiepolo's pictures of naked women in various degrees of distress. {Tiepolo obviously had a nasty streak of irony behind his genius.} He meets a woman who is also inspired by the artwork, and he takes her home for a little bdsm. I have already spent too much time on this review. This is a good story. It doesn't live up to Reverend Butler's standards, but it's still a good story. Ratings for "St. Agatha Virgin and Martyr" by Rev. Alban Butler Athena (technical quality): 7 Venus (plot & character): 5 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5 Ratings for "The Tiepolo Encounter" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9 "Thunder Struck" by Crimson Dragon (dcrimson@yahoo.com). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=452921792 Thunder and lightning often frighten me, but they can also make me feel sexy. I suppose that's because there have been so many times that somebody I love has wrapped his arms around me to comfort me when I have been startled by an almost simultaneous crash of thunder and stroke of lightning. Once I realize I'm safe, I love to cuddle up on the porch and watch the storm or make love with the curtains open at night while we share in the wild ferocity of nature. In the present story, Kathleen shares many of my own emotions regarding violent thunderstorms, but she also gives vague expression to an air of poetic mystery that makes this an especially interesting story. The author writes simply and poetically, and the result is an excellent story. Ratings for "Thunder Struck" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 9.5 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9.5 "Relative" by NL Soldier and BlueWords (bluewords@yahoo.com). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=452919767 The basic plot: Erika is upset because Richard broke her date, and so she gets even by having some of the best sex ever with her brother, Alan. But not until after they fight and call each other naughty names. Eventually their mother catches them having sex. The good news is that she tells them they're adopted (hence the question mark in the story's title line). The bad news is that they lose interest in each other, because if it's not incest, then it's not fun. But wait a minute! Even if they had different mothers, they have had the same father. {Heck, for that matter they have had the same mother – just not the person they thought was their mother. I'm not sure how they eliminated that possibility.} So maybe they are having incest after all; and so sex CAN still be fun! And there's a surprise ending too. When I reviewed "End of the Line" by Delta and Gordie in CR 316, I retracted my generalization that whipsaw stories were usually weak. I hereby retract that retraction. The problem here is that the authors simply did not coordinate their efforts. Nor does either writer do anything to correct the obvious and distracting grammatical errors of the other. The authors' contributions blend in the sense that both are writing about incest and both make lots of grammar errors, but it's often easy to see where one author stops and the other begins – because the segments are sharply unrelated. {For example, the paragraph beginning, "Alan drove into Erica…" is one place where they shifted authors.} Ratings for "Relative" Athena (technical quality): 6 Venus (plot & character): 4 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4 "Love in an Elevator" by LeAnna (leegnome@yahoo.com). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453203274 The elevator itself is glass and it is surrounded by glass. This makes the rider feel like she is flying, up and away, out of this world. The thrill will be heightened because of acrophobia and by the fact that they will be copulating during the duration. So here's the plan. It's 2:00 a.m. Nobody else is around. They can even look and SEE that nobody is around. The elevator has 27 floors. So they'll push the button to call the elevator, step inside, press the button for the top floor, and start playing tame the shrew. When they reach the top, they'll pause just long enough to push the button to return to the first floor. Copulation should be completed before the elevator bottoms out. However, the best planned lays of mice and men…. This is a short but excellent story with a couple of surprises that you simply won't anticipate. Ratings for "Love in an Elevator" Athena (technical quality): 9.5 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Please, Don't" by Neos Fyllo (neos@nym.alias.net). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453324366 The title refers to a request that the person being addressed not jump of the edge of the building. She's the narrator's sister-in-law, and she has some sort of manic depressive disorder that has helped get her into this bind. I won't tell you whether she jumps or not. There's really no reason for this story to be restricted to alt.sex.stories. There certainly is sex by innuendo, but there's nothing explicit enough even to offend high schoolers. I reviewed another story ("Moments") by this author in CR 317, and at that time I said it also was an excellent story with no explicit sex. I liked that one better, but this author continues to show potential. Ratings for "Please, Don't" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 8 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8 "Piracy" by Lord Malinov (malinov@mindless.com) http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=453324348 In this story Lord Malinov uses piracy images to develop and deliver his plot. Some of the images work better than others. I personally liked the overall story better than the metaphors. In the first part of this story the narrator and his lover watch an old television movie about a woman being abducted by pirates. This turns her on, and they fuck enthusiastically. In the second part of the story the two go to a party together, and he helps the other buccaneers plunder her treasures. The first part was slow, but the action picked up toward the end. All told, it was a hot story. Ratings for "Piracy" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 9 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9 "Aphrodite's Revenge" by David Oberman (d_oberman@hotmail.com). {See links in index} I like Xena sex stories. I really do. However, I don't have time to watch Xena TV shows. My children and their friends are sometimes impressed at my knowledge of Xena and Gabrielle, and I have to be careful not to disclose too much of what I know, because they assume my knowledge is based on clandestine viewings of the TV show, whereas in truth most of it comes from reading parodies in this newsgroup. This story is based on an actual episode, entitled "The Quill is Mightier," in which Aphrodite casts a spell on Gabrielle's scroll, turning everything she writes into reality. The present story starts with a summary of the plot of the original story, which is itself quite complex, as the following line-out- of-context will suggest: "When the peddler runs out of the caves with the scroll, pursued by Minya, the barbarians and the naked Gabrielles, Thelonius takes this to be his signal to attack." I had given low ratings to this author for a parody of Dr. Quinn, and I looked at this one in the hope of giving him another chance. This one is better, but not by much. The plot quickly degenerates into triviality with too much focus on minor details and almost childishly simplistic sex scenes. Taking the original plot and trying to adapt it to a more sexually explicit ambience was a good idea, but the author needs to work at it a little. As it is, the only advantage of this story is that readers familiar with the TV series can picture real images of the people engaging in the sexual escapades. For True Fans, maybe that's enough. But I needed a little more story and character development. Ratings for "Aphrodite's Revenge" Athena (technical quality): 6 Venus (plot & character): 5 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4 ===================== Guest Reviews: ===================== "Big Bend" by Rosa (rosa6262@yahoo.com). Guest review by Jubjub. http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=446008890 Story Summary: A young woman finds romance in a wilderness storm. This is a pretty good story. A young woman takes a vacation alone to Big Bend National Park in southwestern Texas at Christmas. I've been there myself on occasion and can attest to its attractions--though they are never mentioned in the story. There are a few questionable facts in this story, but it was never intended to be a travelogue, so I ignored them. Technically, the story was very good. My main complaint was a rather stiff style, especially the first few paragraphs. On the other hand, there was nothing especially distracting in the technical aspects. The story centers around a storm that catches the young woman away from her tent. She makes it back, strips out of her wet clothes and dives into her sleeping bag to warm up. Later, she is joined by a ranger who came looking for her. He is soaking wet and about to die of hypothermia. She welcomes him into her sleeping bag. Things go predictably from there. The characterization in this story was rather weak. Despite considerable setup, there is little offered in the way of emotional resonance. More attention paid to the romantic interests would have allowed this nice little story to really take off. As I said, I liked this story. A little more relaxed style earlier and a quicker route to the central romantic interest (and more time spent on that interest) would have made a better story. Ratings for "Big Bend" Technical: 9.5 Lacked somewhat in style Characterization and Plot: 8.5 Characters could have used more emotional depth Appeal: 8.5 Good sex, but the surrounding story didn't carry well. "Hots for a Hooker" by J. Boswell (J.BOSWELL@usa.net). Guest Review by Dave Myers. http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=452531369 My goal in this review is to get you to read this story even if you don't have the hots for hooker stories. In fact, one might go so far as to say this was written with a very different audience in mind than just those that find plots about prostitution engaging (which does not include me, in general, in case you were wondering). I could write far more words concerning how the best authors are the ones that offer something you will enjoy even if you don't share the same fetish that they do, but instead I'll refer you to Celeste's recent review of Leanna's "Freshly Fucked Glow" (CR318: http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=452494748). She sums up some good points there. Aspiring writers take note. OK, enough bullshit. Foremost, this story describes two weeks of a business trip for a man at a vulnerable point in his life. He falls hard for a beautiful woman who is working the hotel lounge. Think "Pretty Woman" ... only much hotter. Our sensitive new age John wants this hooker to quit the escort game, while at the same time trying (at first) to resist the temptation to cheat on his wife. What really impresses me about the writing here is the depth of character that is created for this pair. We get a very believable portrait of two lives that seem quite out of control. Our prostitute can't seem to get enough of her trade, taking great pleasure in being degraded over and over by repugnant clients, including an entire room full of stag partygoers near the end. Our confused businessman doesn't know why he can't get this woman off his mind. Well, I've almost said too much already. You won't be disappointed if you read to the bottom of this one. [On a technical note, let me say that is a very literate piece. You won't find too many stories that include both the words "gangbang" and "obsequious." One slightly annoying misspelling that cropped up over and over is "tatoo" for "tattoo," but this doesn't take the edge off of the action.] Rating: 10 "Virginity is Curable, Inquire Within" by MichaelD38@aol.com. Guest review by DG (dionysian1@hotmail.com) http://x11.dejanews.com/[ST_rn=qs]/getdoc.xp?AN=445639118 MichaelD38 made a splash on the ASS* scene this past year by posting a large volume of well-written stories in a short period of time. He's probably best- known for his "Summer Camp" stories, about counselors at a girl's camp who are experts at easing pubescent girls through those difficult first sexual experiences. This is a very common story plot on ASS, and although Michael's contributions to the genre are creative and well-told, they don't exactly break any new ground. Lately, though, he has been posting shorter stories which take some chances, and he is proving that he is indeed one of the most capable writers currently active on our newsgroups. "Virginity is Curable, Inquire Within," deals with his favorite theme - OK, just about everyone's favorite theme - the emerging sexuality of teenage girls. But this time his approach is fresh, thought- provoking, and very funny. I can't say anything more about the plot without giving away some surprises. Just read it - you won't be disappointed. Ratings for "Virginity is Curable, Inquire Within" Technical: 10 Plot and Character: 10 Overall appeal to DG: 10 "A Visit with Aunt Catherine" by Gordie D () Guest Review by BillyG (hayden@mindless.com) http://x8.dejanews.com/[ST_rn=ps]/getdoc.xp?AN=409017598 Catherine, a married woman of uncertain age, has her nephew (by marriage), Alex, as a house guest for a weekend while her husband is conveniently away on a golf trip. Catherine is a controlling and manipulative women who bends the weaker boy to her will, largely by shaming and pseudo-offence at his out-of- control erection. Tugged along by the compelling traction of her sexuality, he's helpless - we suspect as he really wants to be. Nonetheless, Catherine is mercurial in her push-pull seduction, keeping Alex off guard as she controls him. To the degree one enjoys the domineering woman and helpless teenager boy, this story will have appeal. But for me, I found the shallow characters and the plot without seductive depth. Too, it has the feel of a chapter from a larger tale. Perhaps the story before the story would have established the connection this story needs. Ratings for "A Visit with Aunt Catherine" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 7 BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 7 -- Uther Pendragon anon584c@nyx.net Most Pendragon stories may be found: http://www.fortunecity.com/victorian/austen/104/index.htm -- +----------------' Story submission `-+-' Moderator contact `--------------+ | | | | Archive site +----------------------+--------------------+ Newsgroup FAQ | ----