Message-ID: <14846eli$9808290111@qz.little-neck.ny.us> X-Archived-At: From: Subject: {ASS} Celestial Reviews 301- Aug 26 Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.d,alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d Path: qz!not-for-mail Organization: The Committee To Thwart Spam Approved: X-Moderator-Contact: Eli the Bearded X-Story-Submission: X-Original-Message-ID: <3eeeca4c.35e55dfa@aol.com> X-Is-Review: yes This one was too long to paste, and so I am attaching it as a textfile. -Celeste Celestial Reviews 301 - August 26, 1998 Note: A man and a lady, married for 20 years, aren't happy with their sex lives. One night the wife comes home from playing bridge and says, "Honey, Betty told me about a new position. It's called the 69. You put your head at the south end of the bed and I put my head at the north end of the bed. Orally, we please each other." The husband agrees to try this position. During their session of 69, the wife passes gas, emitting a horrible stench. The husband doesn't think much of it and continues. A few moments pass and she does it again. The husband is gagging from the smell. He pats the wife on the ass and tells her, "Honey, I can't take 67 more of these!" Second note: A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the 'gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my genitals unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured its approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The 'gator closed its mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on top its head. The 'gator opened its mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man then made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly said, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle." Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com. - Celeste ===================== Celestial Reviews: ===================== "Airport" by Unknown Author (satisfaction) 10, 10, 10 {Insufficient information to find link} "Assignation" by Jane Urquhart (cyber-romance becomes real) 10, 10, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=383134004 "A South Park Sex Story" by Leespam2 (cartoon sex) 10, 10, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=382912981 "Sex in His Tent" by Glossy (slut goes camping) 7, 6, 5 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=383104871 "In the Sand: The Saga of Ami and Sasha" by Ami and Sasha (cybersex becomes real sex) 7, 6, 6 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=384034273 "Frustration" by Phil (tantalizing storytelling) 10, 10, 10 {Not Archived} "We'll See What Happens" by Sven the Elder (unusual one-nighter) 10, 10, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=384366407 "Until It Hurts" by Crimson Dragon (ff romance) 10, 10, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=382429137 "A Roll of the Dice" by Bernadette (cyberlovers meet) 9, 8, 8 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=380905014 "The Masked Man" by Pipedream and Red Rose (1700s romance) 9, 7, 7 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=376997865 "Latin Night" by Lostgirl (sexy dancing) 9, 7, 7 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=376723395 "Sweet Milk" by Unknown Author (lactation sex) 6, 4, 4 {Unarchived} "Night Swimming" by Vickie Morgan (sex at sea) 10, 10, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=378073650 "Sevin & Dominic" by Mr. J (exhibitionism) 8, 8, 8 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=381511636 "Castle Nursery" by Uther Pendragon (solstice orgy) 10, 10, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=384085732 "Paint" by LeAnna (voyeurism & exhibitionism) 10, 10, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=383797538 ===================== Guest Reviews: ===================== "Possession" by Eazin Along (consensual power exchange). BillyG: 10, 10, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=376240419 "Vantasy" by Jenn Till (rape). Myers: 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=383180607 "Airport" by Unknown Author (romantic tryst). BillyG: 10, 8, 8 "The Beach" by Jacques du Bois (Lesbian sex near the beach), Owl: 10, 10, 9 http://x14.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=381517151.1&CONTEXT=904222317.1796931652 "The Beach" by Solange Lafemme (seaside masturbation). Ivan: 7, 8, 9 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=373022492 "Friday Night Pickup" by Paris Waterman (stud service) Nick: 8.5, 8. 7 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=380904532 'The Friendly Couples" by Roger Grayson (swinging). Sven: 10, 10, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=380909997 "Beauty Is Iron" by Cobalt Jade (fairy tale sex). Emperor: 10, 10, 8 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=380905021 "A Moment of Daydreams" by Mildred Whittemore (sexy dream sequence). Owl: 10, 10, 9 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=334437884 "Miranda's Magic" by johnna@unixg.ubc.ca (romance). Gandmar: 10, 7, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=380892048 "More Than Enough" by Unknown Author (gang bang) Gandmar: 8, 8, 4 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=377865835 "The Shower Tales: Maureen" by Steve R. (sex with voyeurism). Ivan: 6, 6, 7 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=172389526 "B.O.B. and Me" by Lostgirl (masturbation). BitBard: 10,10,10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=378056908 ===================== Reposted Reviews ===================== * "Tales of the East Indies" by Sven the Elder (exotic sex) 10, 10, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=383797547 * "Life Sentence" by Uther Pendragon (poetry - sort of) 10, 10, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=38328941 * "My Juno" by Morgan Preece (flirtation) 9, 10, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=383104840 * "Art Class" by Mike Hunt (small group study session) 10, 10, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=383104833 ====================== Old Spam Contest Stories ====================== * "My Nipples Explode With Delight" by The Bear (transgender) 10, 8, 8 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=276630220 * "All This for Only 79 Cents?" by The Bear (chaotic blowjob) 10, 10, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=274551223 * "Look What I Did When My Boyfriend Left for the Weekend" by The Bear (humor) 10, 8, 8 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=274681716 * "Barbie is Waiting" by R Rivers (spam contest) 8, 9, 9 {unarchived} * "Young Dumb and Full of Cum" by Mike Hunt (spam contest) 10, 8, 8 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=278687389 * "1997 Teen Blow Job Tournament" by Daphne Xu (oral sex) 9.5, 10, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=279912118 * "SPAM CONTEST" by Taria (spam contest) 10, 10, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=281162242 * "The Morning After" by Tom Bombadil (spam contest) 10, 8, 8 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=285802333 * "Tasty Young Coeds" by Johnny D (spam snuff) 10, 8, 8 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=293903296 ========================= On This Day In Celestial History Celestial Reviews 112 - Aug 28, 1996 ========================= * "Letter Found Near a Suicide" by Mary Anne Mohanraj (unanswered love) 10, 10, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=177482824 * "More Congenial Spot" by Mary Anne Mohanraj (emerging sexuality) 10, 10, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=177482828 * "A Rude Awakening" by Michael Dagley (reformed virgin on a binge) 10, 10, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=272178107 * "Elizabeth & Anastasia" by Tom Bombadil (ff romance) 10, 10, 10 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/1755.txt http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/1758.txt http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/1757.txt http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/1759.txt http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/1761.txt http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/1741.txt http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/1744.txt http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/1743.txt http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/1745.txt ================== "Airport" by Unknown Author (). Actually, the title is misleading. The story only STARTS in the airport. The real eroticism begins during the ride home from the airport, while the damsel in distress with the bodaciously beautiful body slithers and writhes in the passenger seat sans panties but cum lots of other accoutrements. But suddenly the perspective shifts from his view between her legs to her own brain a few hours ago, as she contemplates the impending desolation of being alone at the end of her air trip to Houston. The first shift in perspective jarred me a little, but I soon learned to relax and enjoy it, while the perspective shifted from his to hers as the sexy couple progressed through their adventure. This is an exceptionally good story. If you skip it, you'll be missing one of the best stories of this month. Special note: This author does a splendid job at a task that every author should master: making a woman sound beautiful without expressing her bust size in mathematical notation. Quibble department: "As we continued down the corridor, she matched my pace as I carried the luggage, which was no big deal." Question: WHAT was no big deal - his carrying the luggage or her matching his pace. Using a relative clause to modify a clause (rather than to modify a noun or pronoun), is often confusing. In this case, it's no big deal; but consider this possibility: "She gave me a blowjob after I recovered from the beating, which was just what I had hoped for." Get my drift? {Note: This mistake is an aberration. This author actually uses the English language extremely effectively. Just as some guys just can't pass up a niece piece of ass, a good English teacher can't pass up a chance for a lesson on ambiguous sentence syntax on alt.sex.stories - which is abbreviated ass on a.s.s.} Ratings for "Airport" Athena (technical quality): Venus (plot & character): Celeste (appeal to reviewer): "Assignation" by Jane Urquhart. (Janey98@hotmail.com). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=383134004 The word "Assignation" has three meanings. The only one relevant to this story is "3. An appointment for a meeting between lovers; a tryst." The subject of the present case study is a woman who holds an honorable place within her community but writes salacious stories, and release of this information would be disastrous. She has jokingly suggested to an on-line admirer that he ought to try to detect her true identity. Surprisingly, he has made the attempt and has succeeded; and now she must pay the piper by meeting with him. She is not really distressed. "In fact, she was filled with delight. She chose to believe that her very lack of choice released her from any possible twinge of conscience. Her husband and children would be at the grandparents' cottage, where she had to be the following day. No one would ever know where she had been that night; no one would be hurt. Moreover, having corresponded for some time with her soon-to-be lover, she was confident that he would make her adventure worth remembering for the rest of her life. Fantasies were all very well, but reality would be vastly better." I'm not going to tell you how this all plays out. Instead I'll tell you how I (moi, as the characters in this story might say) would deal with this. If someone broke my cover and invited me to have a romantic tryst with him, I would have him assassinated, as plain and simple as that. The characters in this story each have their own personalities, and they are each devoted to a spouse to whom they intend to remain faithful and with whom they plan to continue to build a relationship. That makes four individual personalities, without counting children or other collaterals, as military analysts would call them. While I immensely enjoy the fantasies I read and write about, an actual romantic involvement with someone else would affect not only me but these other three personalities as well. I may decide to pull back, and he may not, or vice versa. My active affection for this man might alter my unconscious actions toward my husband, who would respond equally unconsciously toward me in such a way as to fuck up something beautiful that he and I have worked on. And while he would be trusting me to be acting honestly, I would be acting under a different set of rules about which he would know nothing. Etc. No, it would be easier to kill the fantasy lover as soon as he stepped over the line. As far as I am concerned, "Fatal Attraction" is a book of the bible. I don't think I'll really have to kill anyone. As the nuns used to say in elementary school, "A word to the wise is sufficient." Fortunately, the author has no such qualms - at least not in her story. Her story is sexier than my morose cogitations. And since the story is a fantasy rather than a newspaper account of a stalker emerging from cyberspace, I found it to be a simply excellent story. This is not a Janey story, and there's no reason to believe that it's really autobiographical or even auto-fanciful; but it was certainly erotic - both auto and otherwise. Ratings for "Assignation" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "A South Park Sex Story" by Leespam2 (leespam2@aol.com). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=382912981 This story is a parody of the cartoon that appears weekly on Comedy Central {American cable TV}, in which a group of pre-adolescents engage in grotesquely dysfunctional but funny behaviors. This parody has minor grammatical glitches, but it is genuinely well done. The story ends kind of stupidly, but as I said, this is a parody of "South Park." "South Park" aficionados will almost certainly enjoy this clever parody. People unfamiliar with that show will probably find this to be pointless. The one mistake in the plot is that nobody kills Kenny. Those bastards! Ratings for "A South Park Sex Story Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Sex in His Tent" by Glossy (takeme@iamit.com). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=383104871 The woman breaks up with a guy in California, and so she drives over to Arizona and meets a guy in a campground and has sex with him in his tent. There's not a lot of personality development; but then lots of real people - even high government officials - are like that, I suppose. The story just ends with a suggestion that "maybe there will be more." My advice to the author would be to have an entire plot in mind and to proofread the story more carefully before posting the next one. Ratings for "Sex in His Tent" Athena (technical quality): 7 Venus (plot & character): 6 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 5 "In the Sand: The Saga of Ami and Sasha" by Ami and Sasha (amiandsasha@my-dejanews.com). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=384034273 This story has potential, but it just isn't there yet. I suspect it was written as a "whipsaw" story - Ami writes something about a fantasy of sex in Hawaii and sends it to Sasha, who adds some more prose and sends it back to Ami, who adds a little more and sends it back to Sasha, etc. Such stories usually mean more to the two authors than they do to anyone else, and this one seems to fit that pattern. Collaborative authorship offers the opportunity for cross-fertilization and for one author to tell the other what needs to be done to improve the story; but this rarely happens in practice. Instead of making suggestions to improve the most recent installment, the second author tends to "know what she meant" and to go ahead and whip off another installment. The result of two authors working together without revising their work is almost invariably just a little worse than a single author screwing up by herself. The authors need to step back and say, "How does this story look to someone who is not one of us? How do we need to modify it for a more general audience?" Then they should have proofread it. Ratings for "In the Sand" Athena (technical quality): 7 Venus (plot & character): 6 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 6 "Frustration" by Phil (no further information available). The narrator is a painter who is enlisted as a confidante for a newlywed lass who was a virgin on the night she married a bloke whose Whopper was a lot bigger than the ordinary Big Mac. In fact, her initial payment of the marriage debt has rendered her a bit bowlegged. She has no lady friends yet in this part of the country and hubby is away seeking employment in the big city; and so she shares her thoughts and feelings with the painter, who functions as a na•ve but effective Rogerian counselor. That is, instead of saying, "Tell me more," his eyes get wide and he marvels, "Really!?" He takes a break, and they have a picnic. They continue talking about sex, and it becomes his responsibility to serve as a surrogate sex educator. This goes on for a long time, but somehow the author manages to maintain our interest. American readers will be concerned when Angela describes her husband examining her with a torch. Don't be upset: it's a flashlight. But this incident reminded me of the first dirty joke I heard as a child. Little Johnny was going to the bathroom - er, to the loo, I think. He saw his mother naked in the bathtub, and noticed her vagina. "What's that?" asked Little Johnny. Blushing, the mother responded, "That's my tunnel." The next day he was taking a leak again when he saw his dad's dick, which was a lot bigger than his own. What's that?" asked Little Johnny. Taken aback, the father answered, "I call that my flashlight." Little Johnny was puzzled, but he zipped up and went to his room. Later at the dinner table, Johnny said, "Dad, why don't you shine your flashlight up Mom's tunnel?" I heard this story from an older boy, who had no idea what it meant. There may have been a priest or minister present at the dinner table in the joke. I think the cleric may have spit out his food, and that's what my na•ve sophisticate thought was funny. Anyway, this is an excellent story with a surprise ending. Ratings for "Frustration" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "We'll See What Happens" by Sven the Elder (sven@brass-neck.demon.co.uk). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=384366407 The title refers to this line from the story: "I'll just slip between you two, give it a jerk, and we'll just see what happens!" I'm sure that makes matters a lot clearer to you. Sven is traveling in Nevada. He finds the Las Vegas gambling atmosphere to be a bit overwhelming. He is much more comfortable and happier with the charms of the lady who uttered the above line and could use her toes as dexterously as most people can use their fingers. Ratings for "We'll See What Happens" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Until It Hurts" by Crimson Dragon (dcrimson@yahoo.com). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=382429137 Have you ever awakened at 5:28 AM, feeling like shit warmed over, with a painful headache and a feeling that you don't know where you are and with a strange woman's hand cupping your breast while she sleeps next to you? Well, I haven't - not all of the above, that is. Not at 5:28 AM anyway. This story falls under the category of Things That Your Mother Was Probably Right About When She Warned You About Them But Which Sound Like A Good Idea Near Closing Time And Which Might Work Out OK If You Get Lucky As Hell. The Dewey Decimal System used to have a number reserved for books on this topic. The title is taken from advice to runners, which goes something like this: "If you wanta become good, you gotta run until it hurts." It's an adaptation of the "no pain no gain" theorem - and also a metaphor for life. The basic plot deals with a woman who has violently broken up with her fiance after he confessed that he had been boinking his secretary. She gets drunk, finds herself in the arms of another woman, and adjusts and goes on with her life. It's an excellent story. This story brought back memories for me. One of my all-time favorite songs is "Jose Cuervo" by Shelly West. That song's opening lines will tell you why this story reminded me of it: Well it's Sunday Mornin' And the sun in shinin' In my eye that is open And my head is spinnin' I was the life of the party I can't stop grinnin' I had too much Tequila last night Actually, it's not all that great a song, I guess. But that singer really turned my husband on, and that turned me on. For about a year all I had to do was pop that tape into the stereo - no it wasn't an eight-track tape - and I had him eating out of my hand: Jose Cuervo you are a friend of mine I like to drink you with a little salt and lime Did I kiss all the cowboys? Did I shoot out the lights? Did I dance on the bar? Did I start a fight? Yep, Things That Your Mother Was Probably Right About When She Warned You About Them But Which Sound Like A Good Idea Near Closing Time And Which Might Work Out OK If You Get Lucky As Hell. Now wait a minute Things don't look too familiar Who is this cowboy Who's sleepin' beside me? He's awful cute, but how'd I Get his shirt on? I had too much Tequila last night Our daughter who was conceived around that time was lucky that she wasn't a boy. We were considering naming a boy JC. My mother thought those initials stood for "Jesus Christ." She didn't drink much or speak Spanish. Nor did I, for that matter. I watched a news show the other day in which some "experts" were denouncing "the porn industry" for causing all kinds of problems in society. This song is a perfect example of how wrong they can be. I didn't frequent honky tonks, I had never awakened next to a cowboy whose shirt I was wearing, and I didn't even like Tequila. Even though I listened to that song about a thousand times within a year or so, none of this has changed - except that I speak a little more Spanish now. My husband is in for a wild time tonight. I'm going to find that tape. Ratings for "Until It Hurts" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Barley Legal Teens" by Bronwen (bronwensm@writehand.clara.net). Unless you look at this title carefully, you'll miss its point. Usenet has generated an elite coterie of scholars known as spammers - dysfunctional dullards who post vast quantities of useless and inappropriate messages in newsgroups in such a way as to demonstrate their pathetic ineptitude while annoying the regular users and disrupting the newsgroup as much as possible. On a.s.s. these simpletons post vast quantities of wannafucks and advertisements about supposedly free pictures of naked women allegedly engaging in explicit sexual activities and nubile teenagers who want to lose their virginity to people who will talk to them on the telephone. Astute observers have resigned themselves to this sort of foolishness, and most of us simply ignore the spam or filter it out. Lord Malinov tried a more creative approach with his Spam Contest in the Fall of 1997. The idea was that authors had to incorporate spam into their stories. The contest drew some good stories, and I'll repost my reviews of several of them. Back to the present story - the title focuses on the fact that spammers typically can't even spell their titles correctly. The original spam title was supposed to refer to BARELY legal teenagers - as in just beyond jailbait. Bronwen has seized upon this literary peccadillo and has written a story about teens doing it in barley fields on a small island just off the coast of Europe. This is a wonderful story, and I won't risk ruining it by trying to summarize it. Just let me point out that although it may be LEGAL - albeit barely legal - to do it with barley, it's a bit risky. In my opinion, those other blokes had it right when they recommended strawberry fields forever. Ratings for "Barley Legal Teens" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "A Roll of the Dice" by Bernadette (bernadette@yahoo.com). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=380905014 This is a very difficult story to summarize without ruining it for potential readers. And I can't even tell you why, because that would ruin the suspense of the story. I guess the best I can do is say that this is a story in which cyberlovers eventually get together in Las Vegas. They roll the dice - take a chance to see if things will work out in person as well as or even better than they have through email and on the phone. Let me just add that things work out differently than they do in most cybersex stories. Ratings for "A Roll of the Dice" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 8 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8 "The Masked Man" by Pipedream and Red Rose (redrose@titan.ucs.umass.edu). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=376997865 The second author is really Sarah Fox Jahn, whose "Little Red Riding Hood" and "Steel and Iron" have received high CR ratings. What we have here is a story written in a sort of romantic/Victorian style about a woman meeting a man at an 18th-century masquerade party and then making passionate love with him. I guess if you get really high on this sort of period stuff, this might be a really good story. As it was, I found it to be extremely predictable. Not bad, just predictable. Ratings for "The Masked Man" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 7 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7 "Latin Night" by Lostgirl (lostgirl33@hotmail.com). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=376723395 I think my review of this story may be a little unfair. Midway through the story, I lost interest in it. I finished the story, but it seemed to me that I was missing something. I think the problem is that this story depends heavily on familiarity with the type of dancing in which the characters participate. This type of dancing is not my thing, and so I became distracted by reading for information (to figure out what was happening). Someone already familiar with the dancing might be able to zero in on the emotions, which are the author's main interest. Ratings for "Latin Night" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 7 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7 "Sweet Milk" by Unknown Author. I have no idea why I read this story. It has no name on it, and the topic doesn't turn me on; but it showed up in my "Must Read" folder. Maybe somebody sent it to me with a plea that I review it. Synopsis: A woman is breastfeeding her baby when her sister arrives for a visit. So she sets the baby aside, breastfeeds her sister, and they both have orgasms. Deep stuff. I am by no means denying that having a lover suck milk from a woman's breast can be an erotic experience, but this is simply a lame plot. The story doesn't give a geographical location, but somehow it reminded me of this joke: Do you know why the tests on Clinton's DNA and Monica's dress were inconclusive? Because everybody in Arkansas has the same DNA. That can't be true, can it? Ratings for "Sweet Milk" Athena (technical quality): 6 Venus (plot & character): 4 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4 "Night Swimming" by Vickie Morgan (artemis55@hotmail.com) http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=378073650 The woman has taken her mother and friend to the coast for a weekend of shopping and loafing. They are happy, but she is bored. Late at night she goes for a nude swim in the ocean, and she gets bored in a more interesting way. This is a very short story with little plot or character development but good descriptions that are really quite sexy. It was certainly worth the five minutes it took to read it! Ratings for "Night Swimming" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Sevin & Dominic" by Mr. J (mr_j@my-dejanews.com). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=381511636 Sevin dresses seductively and gets onto the elevator for the long descent from the 53rd floor of her hotel. She's going to strut her stuff. Unfortunately, one of her Ben Wa balls pops out in the elevator. This is why Emily Post specifically recommends not wearing Ben Wa balls in public; or as Miss Manners says, "If you must do so, at least wear underpants." As it is, the man in the elevator simply picks it up, gives it a quick sniff and a lick, and departs with it on the Mezzanine level. When the man eventually returns the ball, Sevin is seated in a busy restaurant, bringing herself to orgasm while watching a couple at a nearby booth pleasure each other under the table. Indeed, the man reinserts the ball just where it used to be. The events are improbable but sexy. This story is incomplete, but the author has ideas for more chapters. Ratings for "Sevin & Dominic" Athena (technical quality): 8 Venus (plot & character): 8 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8 "Castle Nursery" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=384085732 Lord Malinov has sponsored two orgies that I know about - one at a castle to celebrate the winter solstice and another on a tropical island to celebrate the vernal equinox. In this story Uther Pendragon, "the most vanilla author on alt.sex.stories," displays his charms first by playing with the Allen twins and then by fucking their aunt's brains out. To enjoy stories from Malinov's orgies it's useful to know something about the authors who write here. In this case, Pat and Julie are the Allen Sisters from the stories of Mark Aster. The Kitten and her parents (cited obliquely in the present story) are characters from Uther's own Brennan saga. It's useful to know that whereas Pat and Julie spontaneously fuck and share anyone whom they like, the Brennans are a thoroughly monogamous couple who are bringing up a family in America as It Should Be. As I started this story, I knew that the author could not successfully straddle these two worlds. But by damn, he did! Ratings for "Castle Nursery" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Paint" by LeAnna (leanna1@hotmail.com) http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=383797538 In this story we get to sit in on a psychotherapy session. The client is describing how he watches a woman paint herself in erotic ways. She seems to want to do her work alone, but she also seems to be aware that he is watching. He knows that it is somehow wrong for him to watch her, but he also knows that it is somehow necessary for him to do so. This guy is confused, but then that's why he's receiving therapy. This is a realistic analysis of this kind of behavior. There's probably a little of this in all of us. Ratings for "Paint" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Possession" by Eazin Along (EazinAlong@aol.com). Guest Review by BillyG (hayden@mindless.com). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=376240419 "Possession" is the delightful literary equivalent of Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns. For those of you who fined no particular positive energy in non-consensual erotica, check out this story by EazinAlong. It's a beautiful example of consensual power exchange. It speaks to the enhanced erotic tug of trust and risk, expectation and surprise. The plot is straightforward and to the point. The protagonists, a man and a woman, remain somewhat mysterious, for they remain nameless. She agrees in some prior negotiation to do his bidding without restraint. The operative word here is 'agrees' for this is a consensual tale. "Freedom" is their safe word; she has only to utter this word and everything stops. They both know she always has a way out. Will she choose it? After some very sexy play, he edges her into new, unexpected territory. It's a recommended read to experience their erotic play and taste the emotions of consensual power exchange. Ratings for "Possession" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Vantasy" by Jenn Till (JennTill1@Hotmail.com). Guest review by Dave Myers. http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=383180607 Most rape stories tend to follow pretty established lines. What surprised me most about this selection was not some spark of a great new theme, but actually the control that the author displays given a very typical plot. The execution and stylization is just right. There is nothing here except a good knock-down drag-out fuck-me hard gang-bang-turned-fantasy story. This is a very hot upcoming author. I look forward to more of her stories. Check out her site: http://www.asstr.ml.org/files/Authors/Kristen/www/jenntill.htm Ratings for "Vantasy": 10 "Airport" by Unknown Author. Guest Review by BillyG (hayden@mindless.com) "Airport" is a lusty story that's told in the first person from two different perspectives, his and hers. It's almost entirely narrative - the thoughts and views of either the man or the woman who is telling the story at that juncture. There's no temporal confusion: it's complete; there are no missing time segments; each event is told twice. The story's upbeat and positive and very sexy. He picks her up in an airport in a smooth and polished manner. There are no crude or rude come ons. He's hot for her and we know it. As well, she knows what's happening and her feelings are reciprocal. It's no surprise that they get it on straight away, and then again, and then still again. The story chronicles a short period of time in lengthy detail, a bit too lengthy for my taste. It turns out to be less a story than an exquisitely complete narrative of who did what. The characters are well described, but for purposes of development, they're not disclosed in depth. Shortly, we're left with a sweet, consensual sex story that ends with post-orgasmic lethargy and no promise. I could hear Peggy Lee singing, "Is that all there is?" Ratings for "Airport" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 8 BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 8 "The Beach" by Jacques du Bois (sejdb@altern.org). Guest review by Watchful Owl. http://x14.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=381517151.1&CONTEXT=904222317.1796931652 Lesbian sex near the beach. That almost sums it up, but not quite. The scene opens on a lonely woman, remembering her husband in many flowery metaphors. (Not profane, but flowery: "His empty promises stretched like the sea.") As she sits, gazing out at the ocean, a woman appears to seduce her. After token resistance, they do the deed and her new lover must leave again. The writing in this piece was a little too flowery for my tastes. The plot, although a bit odd, served our purposes well enough. If you're up for sex with spiritual manifestations and don't mind overly worded phrases, this is worth a read. Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Watchful Owl (appeal to reviewer): 9 "The Beach" by Solange Lafemme (my_masters_slave@hotmail.com). Guest reviewed by Poison Ivan (poisoniv1@hotmail.com). http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/13172.txt --- http://x8.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=373022492 We have three categories to rate these stories, but I sometimes think there should be a fourth. I've read several stories recently where the setting is just as important as the plot or characters. Bernadette and Crimson Dragon spring to mind as authors who make great use of their settings. "The Beach" is a story where setting is everything. In this story, a woman wanders off to an isolated stretch of beach and masturbates while thinking of her lover. That's really all there is to it. But Solange Lafemme does a very nice job making me feel like I am right there on the rocks, watching, as she pulls on her nipples and rubs her clit. Technically, the word "i" is left in lower case throughout; based on the author's email name, I'm guessing this may be a submissive game of some kind. The narrator also refers to the object of her fantasies in second person, although in this particular story, that's only a small distraction. This is a nice story from a first time author. Check it out. Ratings for "The Beach" Athena (technical quality): 7 Venus (plot & character & setting): 8 Ivan (appeal to reviewer): 9 "Friday Night Pickup" by Paris Waterman (http://www.members.xoom.com/Pandas_Pen/index.html). Review by Nick (e-mail Nick@cassandra.demon.co.uk) http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=380904532 This is potentially a very funny story, but it needs some more good lines. The story is the second of a series featuring the exploits of a guy called Warren. Warren is a kind of "Fonzie" character (from "Happy Days," if you can remember that), except that he is even more "over the top". Unfortunately he also takes himself far too seriously (or the writer does); and in the end, he turns out to be a rather unpleasant person. It starts with Warren appearing in his local bar and "captivating" everyone by singing to the barmaid. The jukebox is unplugged and the whole of page 2 is spent on the libretto of his song and how the crowd sings along with him. It may be a cultural thing and it maybe that we Brits are fundamentally miserable, but in one of our pubs, the unplugging of the jukebox would be greeted by at least one cry of "Oi, I was listening to that!". On completion of the song there would be several anonymous shouts of "Wanker!". We are told how handsome he is and there are references to his white teeth - presumably false, (I'm sure his real ones would have been knocked from his face ages ago). We are told how, on goosing "plain Janes" front bottom, she collapses with an immediate orgasm (instead of breaking yet another set of false teeth!). He eventually picks on Gail. She is the "lucky" person who gets to take him home, fist herself, enjoy anal sex and suck his shitty cock before being "educated" to the fact that she is bisexual by Warren, who somehow knew when she didn't! He likes her presumably because she is "feisty". We know this because she actually hesitates before going to the ladies to remove her panties so that he can sniff them and see if she "passes" his test. While in the ladies she finds it full of women listening at one of the booths to one of their number masturbating to Warren. When Gail gets a booth to herself, she is dignified enough not to be so loud about it (I think it's her seventh orgasm that evening, but I'm not sure). Well, there's a flavour of it. My own marks: Technique 7, Plot/Character 6, Appeal to me 8 (well I got some fun out of it, if only by writing this). Celestial Marks: Technique: 8.5 Plot/Character 8 Projected Appeal 7 'The Friendly Couples" by Roger Grayson (posted by TheEditor grobert@IDT.NET). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=380909997 Review by Sven the Elder, who may be contacted at Sven@brass-neck.demon.co.uk I guess all of Celeste's guest reviewers get blooded on a 50,000-word, close to 100 page blockbuster at some stage. {Celestial note: } Well after I read a number of the stories posted by TheEditor in the past, Celeste has asked me to review this one. I have to admit to finding it a pleasurable experience. This is the story of Janet and Greg Richards, and their new friends from the same Company, Martin and Darleen Kelly. Martin and Darleen have been planning the introduction of their new friends into a little bit of swapping. Greg has been working too hard and has been neglecting his slightly prudish, Midwest wife. Janet, has been starved of her love and affection, so when the newly promoted Greg has to fly suddenly down to Dallas on business and miss out on the party the four have arranged..... You get the picture, Darleen becomes unavailable and the scene is set for Martin to take a rather intoxicated Janet out on his own. The twists and turns of a furious seduction, powered by alcohol and 'an aphrodisiac' are well described, as is the blackmail that follows and the night of aphrodisiac fuelled sex that follows. The descriptions are excellent, if a little cliched in the way of other stories I have read that the 'Editor' has posted in the past. I have to say that having read those, this story follows in the same lines - wronged wife, seeking revenge against an uncaring husband, followed by remorse, followed by blackmail, followed by - well you get the picture and may well have read others in the genre. But - and this is a big but, this is a very well written story, in a good Style that is easy and entertaining to read and has some very sexy scenes in it. As a story the threads might well be taken from folks fantasies of how they would like this type of scenario to affect them, or not as the case may be. It also shows the downside of such relationship with what can only be described as a rather fraught homecoming to a very frightened wife, which changes as Greg admits to the reason for the blackmail. Now at this point I am not going to expose the plot any further. It twists and turns and goes deeper than you might imagine. There are dilemmas to suit all tastes. Sex scenes that come close to being over the top, perhaps they are, but they are still, in the main, enjoyable. The climax of the story, in every sense of the word is simply awesome. I enjoyed it all, even if there were a little more cliches than I would normally care for. Somehow, they worked. Ratings for "The Friendly Couples" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Sven (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Beauty Is Iron" by Cobalt Jade (CobaltJade@aol.com). Guest review by Iron Emperor (ironemperor@yahoo.com). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=380905021 Synopsis: As they say in the fairy tales - far away, in a far away land there lived an empress who ruled the kingdom of Thorzaan and some twenty other kingdoms. This empress was not a kind empress, but rather an empress through magic and power. As iron was the most precious mineral in that land (and also the strongest), and as she controlled most of the iron in the land, she became an unbeatable ruler. Opposers to her throne (actually it was more a helm than a throne) who were caught were court martialled by her and usually sentenced to death. After their father, the Duke Stonebridge, tried, fatally (to him) to assassinate the empress, his twin daughters were captured and brought back to trial. In the beginning of the story we see the twins naked on the floor of the empress's castle bound by wire cables. After a short trial they are found guilty of treason (unbelievable, don't you think?); but instead of sentencing them to death, the empress sends all of her court away, saying that she will deal with these two in private. Well she does deal with them all right. Let's see if I can guess the rest of the story - F/F, mc - I believe I can. Alas, Cobalt Jade has a few twists and surprises in his/her hat (or should I say helm) for me. Well, you'll have to read the story to find out. And now, ladies in gentlemen, may I have the envelope please. As for the technical side of the story, no trouble here, written in the language of most fairy tales and with only very few spelling errors, most of which are missing spaces in some of the phrases (bootheels <-> boot heels). So a 10 is deserved and given here. Regarding the plot & character side of the story, the author says this story is based on a Grimm Brothers fairy tale - it is, which one? I've tried looking into the original work but had no help finding it. Anyway, the story is fluent, the characters are as you say, round, though they are slim and nice looking. But, beware, you all, this is hardly a stroke story. Well, I did have half an erection reading it, except for about 5 minutes where it subsided due to lack of sexual stimulation. Nonetheless, this is an erotic fantasy, and as such I have enjoyed reading it. So if you are tired from old fashioned tales in which the good always wins and were you wished little red riding hood to show some curves to the bad wolf, you can read Cobalt Jade's story and believe you'll have an enjoyable half an hour. As a result the final points are: Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Emperor (appeal to reviewer): 8 (I wish there were more sexual descriptions) "A Moment of Daydreams" by Milford Whittemore (milfordw@worcester.net). Guest review by Watchful Owl. http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=334437884 A single word springs to mind when one reads this story: short. I've read a few of the "snapshot" series of stories, and this is barely more than that, taking up about three electronic pages. The plot: a man sees an attractive girl from across the room and lapses into a graphic dream sequence. Yes, I can identify with this (grin) but I felt that the story's length detracted from its enjoyment. Thinking it over, though, I suppose the length is appropriate. Your daydreams never last long, and it does convey that imagery very well. Besides, it's a refreshing change from the usual "first woman mentioned is marked for sexual activity" stuff we usually come across. Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 (for the story's length, he does a good job in giving us an accurate picture of the characters) Watchful Owl (appeal to reviewer): 9 (it was just too darn short :)) "Miranda's Magic" by johnna@unixg.ubc.ca . Guest Review by Mary Jorsay Gandmar (maryjg@finebody.com). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=380892048 If this JDR repost has been reviewed earlier, I've missed both story and review - and I can only hope it wasn't panned, for this one is a beauty. I can't recall when last I so enjoyed, and was so moved, by an erotic short story. Actually, it's hardly a story, in the sense that it has no plot whatever. It only describes the author and her lover/husband having consensual sex.. But to use a word like "only" (or any equivalent) in describing this piece of writing is to do it manifest injustice. It is passionate writing, deeply felt, extremely sensitive. The author savoured every second of the sex, not just because of the physical pleasure it afforded her, but, more subtly and more importantly, because of the person with whom she was having sex. There is a full-blown relationship here, founded on something more lasting than naked lust. It is, indeed, what someone once called 'true lust' - the passion that springs not only from physical awareness and desire, but from a complex of other, more substantial factors, - emotional, psychological and ethical. While it happens, the sex is extremely erotic - it is powerfully realized, graphic, superbly detailed, extremely arousing. But this is not just an 'I had great sex' narrative - the incident has been drawn from the depths of memory, where it has long lain in a vein of gold. In its resurrection, and the re-telling born of that resurrection, there is almost as much passion as there was during the incident itself. But now there is something else, a tempering if you like, a tinge of pathos for that which was, and which, inevitably, must remain in the past. If anything, the memory is even more precious than the moment itself. And it is this aspect, and the concluding line where, after so much energetic and driving sex, there is the gentle aftermath, and a new beginning, that made the story very special for me. Alas, it's not the kind of story that can sustain a sequel, or further developments - but that is both its tragedy and its success. Athena (Technical Quality) : 10 Venus (Plot & Character) : 7 Mary (Appeal to reviewer) : 10 "More Than Enough" by Unknown Author (al3alfa@hotmail.com). Guest Review by Mary Jorsay Gandmar (maryjg@finebody.com) http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=377865835 I've probably missed a deadline or seven in getting this review in, but still, better late than never as the actress said to the Bishop. I found this story deeply disturbing. Fundamentally, it's about a small-built woman, Mary, getting gang-banged by (I think I might have lost count) by 7 men (all black) and her husband as well. It begins promisingly, with the husband-author encouraging the wife to fornicate, she resisting, then giving in. The scene shifts to a bar where Mary, slightly inebriated, allows herself to be felt up, and then repairs to the motel room with her 'pick-up', her husband-author following. At this point, the story moves into another gear. Really, it could have gone anywhere, there might have been good consensual sex, group sex, lots of action mingled with plenty of feeling. I think the author tries, but I'm not sure he's pulled it off. The sex is there in plenty - relentless, aggressive, even violent (the husband gets slapped around a bit) and, at times, is actually rape, especially when a man with a huge 12 inch cock fucks Mary hard and deep. The husband is made to watch, then participate in a variety of ways I won't bother to detail. If you're the kind that likes to masturbate while reading erotica, then this is probably the story for you. If not, well, you might share my reaction. For some time, I couldn't quite put my finger on what precisely in the story distressed me so - finally, I decided it was the author's approach to his 'wife' while describing the sex. Given that it's certainly excessive, I should have expected greater trauma and anguish in the man's mind. Therefore, when, after expressing his anxiety, he proceeds to join the fray, I found myself put off. The lady, meanwhile, is full of dope and drink and can't seem to get enough, but keeps begging for more. This she gets. But apart from reciting her love-calls, there is no attempt to describe or empathize or project into her mind. Structurally, I would have been more satisfied if the husband-author's point of view was interrupted by passages ostensibly by the wife, describing her reactions and feelings at the time. This doesn't happen and I couldn't help getting the feeling that she was being treated as an agglomeration of receptacles, which put me off. This is not to suggest that the writing is bad or not erotic -but, perhaps, it's really not for me. Athena (Technical Quality) : 8 Venus (Plot & Character) : 8 Mary (Appeal to reviewer) : 4 "The Shower Tales: Maureen" by Steve R. Guest reviewed by Poison Ivan (poisoniv1@hotmail.com). http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/14688.txt --- http://x10.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=384051142 "The Shower Tales" is apparently a collection of stories that chronicle the real life sexual adventures of the author. In this chapter, the narrator heads to Carbondale to find a young college girl. Maureen is the one he hooks up with. Maureen gets off on making guys come. There's a quick fuck on the couch. Later, they end up in Maureen's room, which she shares with three other college girls. They fuck a couple times in Maureen's bed while Maureen's roommate surreptitiously watches and masturbates. This story definitely feels like a small chapter plucked out of a larger whole, and I'm afraid it doesn't stand very well on its own. The characters aren't very real. I didn't get a good vision of either Steve or Maureen. Commas are badly abused in this story, too. I usually enjoy stories with a little voyeurism or exhibitionism in them, so I kind of liked the bedroom sex scenes. I can see this story working as stroke material. Ratings for "The Shower Tales: Maureen" Athena (technical quality): 6 Venus (plot & character): 6 Ivan (appeal to reviewer): 7 "B.O.B. and Me" by Lostgirl (lostgirl33@hotmail.com). Guest review by BitBard (bitbard@newsguy.com). A woman's sexuality is terribly exciting to men. I've heard it's even terribly exciting to women. In recent discussions on ASSD the vote is pretty much in the minority that men masturbating or men engaged in sexual activities with each other is exciting. However let two women start touching and petting each other and the blood pressure starts to rise. A woman alone, stimulating herself to orgasm may just be a universal turn-on. B.O.B. in this story stands for "Battery Operated Boyfriend" otherwise known as a vibrator. A toy the woman of this story is going to eventually have a very good time with. Before that happens though, this story gives us a wonderfully rare glimpse into a woman's emerging sexuality told in an engaging and humorous manner. By the time B.O.B takes center stage the reader is left feeling that maybe women actually enjoy masturbation for the same reason guys do. When B.O.B. starts buzzing with excitement the descriptions are all the more vivid because behind the universal turn-on of a woman wrapped in ecstasy there is the thrill of knowing that behind the erotic image is an erotic person. This is an excellent short turn-on. Ratings for "B.O.B. and me" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Bitbard (appeal to reviewer): 10 * "Tales of the East Indies" by Sven the Elder * (sven@brass-neck.demon.co.uk). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=383797547 This story struck me as a sort of a cross between a Joseph Conrad short story and a couple of those letters in the Penthouse Forum that I claim I never read on the plane when I've been away from my husband for a long time so that I'm horny as hell by the time I get into his arms. Meanwhile, he.... Ooops! I'll save that for my next letter to the Forum. The story covers the author's recent visit to "one of the more civilised parts of South East Asia" - that part of the world where they are so genteel and "civilised" that they use names like "Bang Cock" for major cities and people have names like "Low Hung Dong." The sex is interesting and nicely described. Anyway, by messing around on this trip, the narrator of this story (which is all true, except the bits he made up, and even they might be true), improves his relationship with his wife. I have serious doubts about the authenticity of that statement. However, the story about his escapades DID improve my relationship with my husband, and least for a half hour or so. Ratings for "Tales of the East Indies" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 * "Life Sentence" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=38328941 As the title suggests -at least after you have read the story - this is one long sentence about life. It's not sexually explicit, but it contains allusions to sexual activities. It puts sex into a holistic perspective. I'm not sure whether to call it poetry or wordplay, but it's an excellent example of whatever it is. Ratings for "Life Sentence" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 * "My Juno" by Morgan Preece (zanna@whoever.com). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=383104840 Our narrator is a dimmunitive gent - too tall to be a circus midget but too small to make much progress in even high school football. His Juno is a stately woman, nearly a foot taller in heels. He seems to have a tall woman fetish. This is a very interesting story of the little feller's pick-up lines and seduction of his goddess, whose real name is Juliette. Ratings for "My Juno" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 * "Art Class" by Mike Hunt (MrM1ke@aol.com). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=383104833 Roberta is the lady who is the most fun in the art class. One day she bets Mike Hunt that she can give the male model an erection by standing close to him and letting him look down her cleavage - and she loses. To avoid another loss, she agrees to share a solo nearly-nude modeling session with Mike Hunt, who demonstrates the value of unilateral disarmament. As you may have surmised by now, sometimes it's hard to describe the plots of this author's stories without giving away too many details. Let's just say that some of the things art students have to draw are hard. This story is more cute and seductive than outright sexy. I like that sort of thing once in a while. Incidentally, you'll notice that the author has a new name. It seems that AOL has a person whose job it is to look for obscene names - just as most states have a person who looks for and eliminates obscene license plates. I guess Mike had them fooled for a while with that number 1 in his name, but AOL finally figured out that there was a hidden meaning behind M1keHunt. Ratings for "Art Class" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 * "My Nipples Explode With Delight" by The Bear (thebear@io.com). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=276630220 The narrator has been sucked into undergoing an experimental procedure that will change his gender. They promised him that it was easily reversible and totally painless. They also promised that no one outside the experimental team would ever know and that he would receive $2000 for about a week's work. Finally, Debra, one of the lab assistants, promised him the best blowjob of his life as soon as the experiment was over and his "equipment" was back to normal. Hence the insidiously clever pun in the first sentence of this review. Things go wrong, and the poor guy has to receive his blowjob prematurely, and his nipples do what the title says right about the time his cock does the same. I'm not certain this is a TG story at all, since the experiment didn't really work, and the hero got nothing but some expensive surgery to repair his exploded nipples. Ratings for "My Nipples Explode With Delight" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 8 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8 "All This for Only 79 Cents?" by The Bear (thebear@io.com). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=274551223 Like the preceding story, this one is an entry in Malinov's spam title contest. The idea seems to be to find a spam line in a.s.s. and then to write a story to go with that title. This is the best entry I've seen so far. A married man sneaks into a sex shoppe to buy a cheap magazine. Finding there is no such thing, he purchases a postcard for 79 cents (including tax); but then the only other customer in the store has a seizure or something. While the rescue workers are coming for that poor wretch, the woman from upstairs comes down to give that man the blowjob for which he has paid. Since nobody knows any better, Our Hero accepts the blowjob and goes home. Hence the title. This is a very creative little story. Ratings for "All This for Only 79 Cents?" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Look What I Did When My Boyfriend Left for the Weekend" by The Bear (thebear@io.com). This is another entry in Malinov's spam title contest. http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=274681716 The boyfriend drives away for the weekend, and the babe with the 38DD's and the sexy lingerie is on her own. What will she do? Will she fuck herself senseless with blackmaled nympho queens? Will she douse the raging fire within her bicurious cunt with buckets of cum? Well, no; but what she does is interesting in its own way. Ratings for "Look What I Did Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 8 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8 * "Barbie is Waiting" by R Rivers (r_rivers@cryogen.com). I have to admit it: I improvised a little bit by changing the title from its original all-uppercase spam-shout. This is another story in the Malinov contest. A young man takes his computer messages seriously and goes out on a futile odyssey in search of FREE SEX!!! Nearly wasted from his sojourn, he finds that BARBIE IS WAITING in a sleazy hotel, and that SHE IS YOUNG AND DUMB and wants to be FILLED WITH CUM. This could be heaven; but no, the computer calls with more offers of FREE SEX! and he leaves his Barbie behind in his search for the perfect VIDEO VIXEN IN HEAT. Ratings for "Barbie is Waiting" Athena (technical quality): 8 Venus (plot & character): 9 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9 * "Young Dumb and Full of Cum" by Mike Hunt (mrM1ke@aol.com). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=278687389 This is possibly Mike Hunt's worst story ever; but that's mostly because his other stories are so good. This one contains no sex at all. Nada. Zip. I hadn't noticed this before, but perhaps Mike is a one-dimensional writer. Hell, he may be a one-dimensional person. What it amounts to is this: if you take all the sex out of his stories, they suck. I guess that's not a fatal weakness, since his only claims to fame are as a stud and as a writer of sex stories. But here we have Mike Hunt, trying to do good for humanity by advocating the imposition of lethal damage upon the bodies of spammers; and it comes across as a simple, ordinary story. I'm not even aroused - well, at least not until I glance down at my long, smooth, freshly shaven legs and nuzzle the toes of my right foot against the instep of my left, which gives me a warm feeling in my pussy and I suddenly realize that I'm not wearing underpants; and when I bring my hand to my mouth in an expression of astonishment, I detect the lingering scent of my love juices left over from the session I had with my new sextoys this morning.... Ratings for "Young Dumb and Full of Cum" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 8 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8 * "1997 Teen Blow Job Tournament" by Daphne Xu (daphne@nym.alias.net). * This is another submission to Malinov's spam contest. http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=279912118 They don't have spam or blowjobs in China - at least "Shuming Zhao was naive about these things when she came to college in the United States to study computer science. The sexual descriptions are a combination of the extremely explicit and the completely impersonal. People don't really have sex this way - at least not very often - not even those ubiquitous Asian teenagers who come to the United States to learn about computers and sex. Ratings for "1997 Teen Blow Job Tournament" Athena (technical quality): 9.5 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 * "SPAM CONTEST" by Taria (Taria@aol.com). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=281162242 The job of the protagonist in this story is to promote spam; but the catch is that he works for Mr. Hormel himself. For those of you who don't know, Spam is the "meat" product that gave its name to the unwanted garbage that clutters your email boxes and newsgroups - not vice versa. Anyway, it seems that Mr. Hormel can't understand why he has been so vehemently rejected on the Internet. The story contains no sex - except by very indirect innuendo; but it's still a very legitimate and creative entry for Malinov's contest. I certainly enjoyed it! Ratings for "SPAM CONTEST" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 * "The Morning After" by Tom Bombadil (stbush@iglou.com). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=285802333 The narrator awakens from a drunken stupor with little recollection of what happened the night before - just vague clues, like lipstick on drinking glasses and an unidentified pair of panties. The idea is - you read the story and try to guess what spam title fits it. My problem was that I didn't know enough about spam titles to recognize the answer when I saw it! That probably means that I have good reading habits. Ratings for "The Morning After" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 8 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8 * "Tasty Young Coeds" by Johnny D (JohnnyD@cryogen.com). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=293903296 This late entry in Malinov's spam contest was inspired by the phrases CUM SHOOTING UP HER NOSE and DRIED CUM ON HER CHIN, which it doesn't use. Instead it builds upon the eponymous image of TASTY YOUNG COEDS. The story succeeds as an exercise in creativity to the extent that it uses the title phrase in an unexpected manner. However, it's noteworthy much more for being odd than for being erotic or sexy. Ratings for "Tasty Young Coeds" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 8 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8 * "Letter Found Near a Suicide" by Mary Anne Mohanraj * (moh2@midway.uchicago.edu). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=177482824 This is not a happy story. As the title suggests, the story consists of a letter written by a high school student who has committed suicide. It expresses the dead student's love for a girl who was fast and loose with her affection with regard to everyone except the writer of the letter. This is a short, poignant, worthwhile story. As is the case with many stories by this author, I don't think it is necessary to hide this one away in obscurity on the alt.sex.stories newsgroup. Ratings for "Letter Found Near a Suicide" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 * "More Congenial Spot" by Mary Anne Mohanraj * (moh2@midway.uchicago.edu). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=177482828 I have an agreement with this author to review one of her stories every week, and I post the review around the time she reposts the story. Since the story for this week was excellent but depressing, I decided to push my luck and try a second story, so that I can go to sleep happy. We'll see. If this doesn't work I have already downloaded Shelby Bush's "Munsters" parody. OK. Nunc dimittis. I can go to sleep now. This one is about twins who were named by an either malevolent or thoughtless mother Guinevere and Arthur. By the time they finish college Gwen's reputation has reached mythic proportions as a psych student at the University of Chicago - she is said to have fucked a whole fraternity in one night and has lived to talk about it. Meanwhile, Art has excelled in drama, while remaining a virgin at nearby Northwestern University. While waiting for their mother to arrive to celebrate their graduation, they find a congenial spot where Gwen can expand Art's horizons. "The Munsters" can wait till next issue. Ratings for "More Congenial Spot" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 * "A Rude Awakening" by Michael Dagley (dagley@soho.ios.com). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=272178107 I really hate this story! I sat down about 45 minutes ago to read a story while I ate lunch. I had with me two ham sandwiches, a can of Diet Coke, and an 18-ounce bag of potato chips. I would read "A Rude Awakening" for ten minutes while I ate lunch and then prepare my classes for the first week of the new school year. I am now one chapter - 10,770 words and approximately 12 ounces of potato chips - into this story; and I can't stop. My husband is not home; the kid across the street is mowing the lawn, sweating, his muscles glistening in the sunlight; Kathy Ireland is looking down at me from my husband's calendar with a cum-hither look that would give me blue balls if I had balls; and I have my classes to prepare for a new semester. What's a girl to do? I guess maybe I'll just read another chapter and see if this feeling goes away. Well, I read TWO more chapters, at which time there was a lull in the action. Then I fixed dinner and read four more chapters. Then I had to wait for the author to post the rest of the story. Frustration Station! This story contains an amazing blend of voyeurism and direct sexual contact. For example, at one point Joey is getting head from Mrs. C, who is insisting that he describe to her what he did with her daughter earlier that evening, while Joey is making direct eye contact with the daughter, who is safely hidden and masturbating behind the mother's back. This is hot stuff. I noticed the title words, "Rude Awakening," several times in the story. The first context stated that at the time of the story, (June of 1965) graduation from high school would be a rude awakening: war, racial strife, assassinations, drugs, and other problems. Like many good titles, however, this one has more than one meaning. The second time the phrase occurred was after Joey and Terri had made love; it was a rude awakening for Terri to discover the power of her sexuality. The term pops up several other times in the story. The most significant meaning of "rude awakening" is not specifically stated - just strongly implied. The story begins with Joey an immature, sad, sexually-repressed young man. He takes no chances with girls and women, because he is afraid they will consider him to be rude. His friend and lover Alice tells him he needs to risk being rude once in a while. When the rudeness in him "awakens," he becomes a more mature, happy, sexually responsive person. In fact, he becomes the neighborhood Lothario - a term which you can either look up in your Funk and Wagnall's or infer from the context of the story. And then he discovers that he has lost something special - another rude awakening. What do women really want? Polite men or rude men? The answer is that different women want different blends; and even the same woman may want a different emphasis at different times. Also it depends on what you mean by "rude": in this story rude means that a guy does something that a girl will like, in spite of the fact that a social custom or the girl's inhibitions might oppose his action. I myself have been known to use the phrase "Shut up and kiss me" - or an equivalent, more emphatic phrase, which would indicate a demand for less "politeness." A very important moral to this story is that it is often necessary to take some risks in order to be happy. A very wrong conclusion would be that the rudest asshole gets the girl - or the guy. This author's greatest strength, I think, lies in his sense of timing. For example, he has the ability to make me think I'm witnessing two people getting hotter and hotter until they can't stand it any more; and I can almost feel it when they explode. He seems to have an intuitive grasp of what to tell me and when to tell it to me in order to maintain my interest. My husband has a similar ability, but he accomplishes this effect through direct access to my body parts. The main "weakness" to this story is that at times the author seems to want to cram too much sex into it. I have a theory about why the author has done this. I suspect that he has contacted a publisher (whom I know and respect, but will not name in this review) about publishing a version of this story as a novel; and that the publisher insisted on more instances of explicit sex. In fact, the publisher I am thinking of makes specific demands, such as (1) a wide variety of sex that is likely to be perceived as kinky, and (2) at least two separate instances of specific sex per chapter. I know of at least one good author who has simply stopped writing erotic stories because he felt that these demands compromised his literary integrity. I may be off the track in suggesting that the present author has "padded" his story with extra sex in order to appeal to a publisher. I do know that there are several instances where the storyline seems to take an unnecessary turn that is unrelated to the overall plot. However, not too many readers are going to complain about "too much hot sex," and so I'll let these "digressions" slide. What I do know is that I review another story ("Elizabeth & Anastasia" by Tom Bombadil) in this issue of CR that is every bit as good as this one: and that other story has about a snowball's chance in my pussy of ever getting published by that same publisher. It's "too long on story" and "too short on real sex." I think it's about time that that publisher (or some other publisher) made it clear that it IS OK to have hot sex in the context of a good story. The world is ready for good stories that contain hot sex - without quotas and restrictions on what kind and how much explicit sex needs to be included in each chapter. These stories don't need to appear on news stands in the supermarkets; but they should be available to mature adults who want more than a quick fix from their erotica. As I reread the preceding paragraph, I realize I have overstated my case; but I think I'll leave it. The present author HAS, in fact, done a commendable job of trying to deal with the full personality of the main character. This is an excellent story. In fact, if I would have found this story without knowing the author's name, I would have guessed that it was written by Delta, who made my Top 50 List of 1995 not once but four times. That's one of the strongest compliments I can give to a story. Ratings for "Rude Awakening" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 * "Elizabeth & Anastasia" by Tom Bombadil (stbush@iglou.com). http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/1755.txt http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/1758.txt http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/1757.txt http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/1759.txt http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/1761.txt http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/1741.txt http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/1744.txt http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/1743.txt http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year97/1745.txt This author combines timing and tension to create a very good story. At the very start we know simply that Betty (Elizabeth) is upset because her father has thrown Stacy (Anastasia) out of the house and has threatened to kill her if he ever sees her around his daughter again. Then we flash back to a scene in a vice-principal's office, where Betty is describing her problems with a teacher who seems to be making passes at her. There must be some relation, the reader thinks, between what's happening in this flashback and the relationship between Betty and Stacy; but what is it? Is the vice-principal actually Stacy? The vice-principal has recommended a tutor; will that be Stacy? And then there is a sinister note; the vice-principal is apparently interested in exploiting a sexual opening with the teacher who had been harassing Betty. What are the implications of that tidbit for Betty? I can't help it; I root for characters when I read some of these stories. I already sympathize with Betty; and as a hard-working teacher myself, I wouldn't mind seeing the VP stick it to the teacher/pervert, but I hope that Betty and Stacy are people with a wholesome relationship rather than participants in some sort of demeaning ring of sex-slavery. As I finish writing the preceding paragraph, I am only about 2000 words into a 47,000-word story. I mention this because I think it is a sign of a good story to arouse the reader's interest as strongly as this story grabbed my attention. I'm reluctant to tell you too much of the story. I enjoyed finding out what would happen next, and I think you will too. The author uses an interesting strategy of alternating between the past and the present; that is, there is one continuous story starting in the present; and another continuous story - that gives meaning to the current-time story - starts in the past. In general, this is an ingenious and enthralling approach; but at times it becomes confusing. For example, when the girls are arguing in the past and making up in the present, the two plots may become entwined in the reader's mind. It must have been difficult for the author to coordinate these two plots; but he carries it off effectively - with the exception of one point in Chapter 4 where he seems to use in the past storyline information about Joyce that could be known only from the present plot. This is not a wham-bang sex story; it's a romantic story about a relationship that happens to involve intimate sex between two females. The early part of the story (probably the first two thirds - and that's a lot in a story of this size) does not contain any specific sexual activity at all; but sex is implied, and sexual tension pervades even this part. That makes it sexy to me. When explicit sex does occur, it is very hot. To be honest, I have to admit that this story brought tears to my eyes more often than it brought moisture to my lower regions; but they were often tears of joy that I associate with really happy times in the sack. I suppose that makes this pretty much a "chick story," but you studs out there oughta read it too. Maybe it'll put some hair on your chest. This story has some flaws; but it's still excellent. Look at it this way: on several occasions the author actually spelled "english" (as in English Teacher!) with a lower-case "e"; but I still gave the story straight 10's. I can't offer a much stronger recommendation than that! Ratings for "Elizabeth & Anastasia" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 -- +----------------' Story submission `-+-' Moderator contact `--------------+ | | | | Archive site +----------------------+--------------------+ Newsgroup FAQ | ----