Message-ID: <13098eli$9807161218@qz.little-neck.ny.us> X-Archived-At: From: Subject: {ASS} Celestial Reviews 293- July 15 Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.d,alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d Path: qz!not-for-mail Organization: The Committee To Thwart Spam Approved: X-Moderator-Contact: Eli the Bearded X-Story-Submission: X-Original-Message-ID: <3b7f6f4.35ad5c4e@aol.com> X-Is-Review: yes Celestial Reviews 292 - July 15, 1998 Note: A man walked into the drug store and shyly asked the pretty girl behind the counter if he could buy some condoms. Seeing his discomfort, the girl decided to have some fun. She asked what size he needed. He said he didn't really know. So the girl said they come in three sizes, and that there were three holes in the fence outside that they used for sizing tests. He should go outside and put his tool to the test. When he went outside, the girl sneaked around the fence. When he put his tool through the first hole, she caught him and gave him a handjob. When he put his tool in the second hole, she gave him a blowjob. When he put his tool in the third hole, she had her pants down and she took him inside herself. When he was finished, the girl ran around the front. He walked up and she asked, "So, what size do you need?" He answered, "I've decided not to buy any condoms; but I do want 8 feet of that fence!" Second note: I want to reiterate my thanks to Bitbard for all his help in assembling the Links and to all the reviewers for their help in reviewing the stories. I would also offer a word of thanks to the authors, but I believe my reviews already show them how much I appreciate their work. I hope you take the time to express your individual gratitude to author's whose stories bring joy and pleasure into your life. It's really kind of nice to see what a bunch of sex perverts can accomplish when they decide to work together! Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com. - Celeste ===================== Celestial Reviews: ===================== "Every Lollipop Loves A Licking" by Erin Halfelven (cheating game) 10, 10, 10 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/11809.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=358677598 "Mystical Workout" by Bioya61 (gymnasium sex) 6, 8, 8 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12328.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=364287662 "Three Stories" by by Jenny (quirky romances) 9, 8, 8 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12170.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=362612719 "Janey in Bloom" by Bitbard (hot romantic tryst) 10, 10, 10 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12703.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=368726214 "Moonset" by Erin Halfelven (poem) http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12533.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=366844294 "Questions in the Night" by"bad badbad (confusing questions) 8, 4, 4 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/year98/12890.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=370017320 "Chosen" by Crimson Dragon (mysterious sex) 10, 10, 10 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12619.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=367470276 ===================== Guest Reviews: ===================== "Thumper" by Dave Read (sex with teenage girl). Dave Myers: 4 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12454.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=365516779 "Melisande" by Richard Todd (opera-based sex). Fiddler: 7, 9, 7 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/10854.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=350420371 "Paula" by Rob4Play (pleasant fantasy). Mink: 8, 5, 6 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/10457.txt http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/10458.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=346329641 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=346329647 "Lover's Desire" by J. R. Parz (magical TG). R'khaan: 8, 8, 8 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12714.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=368726244 "The Punishment Fits the Crime" by E. Z. Riter (bdsm). R'khaan: 8, 8, 8 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12514.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=366361800 "Incubus" {Revised version} by Darkside (TG psychological thriller). DG: 9, 10, 10 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12757.txt 01 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12758.txt 02 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12759.txt 03 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12760.txt 04 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12761.txt 05 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12762.txt 06 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12763.txt 07 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12764.txt 08 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12765.txt 09 --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=368731830 01 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=368731836 02 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=368731842 03 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=368731848 04 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=368731854 05 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=368731860 06 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=368731866 07 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=368731872 08 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=368731877 09 "Scratches" by Lord Malinov (passionate romance). BillyG: 10, 9, 10 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12449.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=365516755 "The Adventures of Marvin Finster" by Unknown Author (adolescent fantasy). Crimson Dragon: 10, 7, 8 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=206096050 "Repentence" by Elf Sternberg (mythological sex). BillyG: 10, 10, 10 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12877.txt -- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=369683971 "Chosen" by Crimson Dragon (mysterious sex). Twassel: {no rating} http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12619.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=367470276 "On Her Leg" by LeAnna (revised review). Tooshoes: 10, 9, 9 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/11540.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=355961858 "Keeping Warm in the Arctic Circle" by Gordie D (tundra love). jubjub: 9.7, 9.8, 9.8 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12739.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=368726373 "Thank You" by Emil (sexual gratitude). jubjub: 8, 6.5, 6 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12787.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=369322287 "Pool Girl" by Billy Bob (older-younger affair). Gandmar: 9, 10, 10 -BillyG: 10, 6, 6 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=369620230 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=369620235 "Hooked on a Feeling" by Terry Jones (romance). Dart: 6, 6, 6 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12575.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=367142563 ===================== Reposted Reviews: ===================== * "Aunt Peg's Visit" by BillyG (teen romance with older aunt) 10, 10, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=371059300 ===================== On this day in Celestial History Celestial Reviews #100 - July 17, 1996 ===================== * "Dating Ritual" by Michael K. Smith (rough adolescent sex) 10, 10, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=237591430 * "Diana" by Mary Anne Mohanraj (mysterious outdoor sex) 10, 10, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=169874105 * "Trust Me!" by Vickie Tern (transgender femdom) 10, 10, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=174152739 01 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=168657141 02 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=174150887 03 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=174159863 04 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=174157664 05 * "Spare Change" by Dafney Dewitt (control) 10, 10, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=167922913 * "Gilligan Mashukah" by Richard Dunstan (sitcom parody) 10, 10, 10 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=169117574 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=169117579 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=169076042 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=169078357 ================== <<>> ================== "Every Lollipop Loves A Licking" by Erin Halfelven (erotonomicon@hotmail.com). http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/11809.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=358677598 Let me start out by saying right up front that this is a well written story. That way I'll feel comfortable poking fun at the author for this sentence: "I grinned at the lady in the seat facing me who may have thought I had worms from her expression." The above sentence contain a misplaced modifier. At first reading it gives the impression that the narrator had somehow acquired worms from the other lady's expression." It would have been better to put it this way: "I grinned at the lady in the seat facing me, whose expression suggested that she may have thought I had worms." Or perhaps some other way - maybe in iambic pentameter. Misplaced modifiers are discussed in the excerpt from Celestial Grammar that is appended to the end of these reviews. Anyway, Jake and Ruth go a long way back together. Even though each is in a stable relationships with someone else, they still meet for the occasional rendezvous. They even have the support of their mates for these little flings. The gimmick is that one partner gives the other a clue to signal when and where the rendezvous will occur. Failure to decipher results in a penalty. I enjoyed the story. I had more fun disabusing myself of "facts" that I had assumed were true and trying to figure out exactly where the story takes place than in deciphering the clue, "Every Lollipop Loves A Licking." Ratings for "Every Lollipop Loves A Licking" Athena (technical quality): 10 (even the one gaffe was fun) Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 ================== "Mystical Workout" by Bioya61 (bioya61@aol.com). http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12328.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=364287662 It's possible to carry simplicity too far. Here we have a guy with a vaguely described mid-life crisis, who meets a woman in a white leotard at the gym and has wonderful sex with her in the steam room. Had the set-up been done just a little better, I might have enjoyed the story a lot more. As it was, I couldn't help noticing that the woman in white talked a lot like a Chinese fortune cookie: ""You must relax and accept life for what it brings you each day. Life cannot be scheduled and planned; look to the unexpected." Once I got sidetracked, I was more aroused by my skepticism than by my hormones. I've been in steam rooms, and I'm just not really sure I'd like to have sex in one. Maybe your life experiences will make you less skeptical and allow you to enjoy this story more than I did. "never forget the unexpected is the fruit of life, share it with others." See! Even there, I'd like that final aphorism better if it began with a capital letter and didn't contain a comma splice. But then, what is a comma, but a pause in life's journey? Ratings for "Mystical Workout" Athena (technical quality): 6 Venus (plot & character): 8 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8 ================== "Three Stories" by Jenny (jenny_grrl@hotmail.com) http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12170.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=362612719 These are three unrelated stories by an author whom Kim helped. "You're The Girl" is about a conversation between a guy and a girl. The girl has asked the guy to role-play a girl, and he has trouble doing it. The story is cute, but not especially sexy. It contains no real sexually explicit activity. "In Over My Head" is billed as a humiliation story with heart. It also involves chocolate and Kim's tits. Jenny is hot for Kim and can't really decide whether she wants to delve into the realm of humiliation with her. Although the story ends just prior to direct lingual stimulation of the areola, it gets pretty hot as it proceeds beyond the loss of Kim's aureole. In "The Last Time I Saw Alex" we find Jen experiencing separation anxiety, as Alex prepares to leave her for a trip that Jen manages to magnify into the end of their life together. Again, no explicit sex, but a vivid portrayal of emotions. What irritated me was that these emotions were the sort that would drive me crazy - I would never want a relationship with a person this unstable and immature; but some people do, and such people do really need relationships with more stable people. As I said earlier, Kim helped this author, who has a problem dyslexia. In case you don't know, "dyslexia" refers to a problem in which otherwise perfectly normal people have severe reading problems, not because they are stupid or unmotivated, but simply because their neurological systems work differently than other people's - sort of like tone deafness or color blindness, but in a more important area. With Kim's departure, this author is looking for new help. If you see potential in these three stories, you might want to contact her and offer your services. Ratings for "Three Stories" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 8 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8 ================== "Janey in Bloom" by Bitbard (The Artist Formerly Known as Sandman) (bitbard@newsguy.com). http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12703.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=368726214 This is a story about Sandman and Janey meeting for a day of passion beginning at Dallas Love Airport. That's it's real name. Ya learn something new everyday. I didn't know that the Dallas airport had little rooms (called Conference Booths) that people could reserve with a credit card and which were big enough for airport quickies. Let me explain how I know that. Through simple deductions derived from their stories and postings to these newsgroups, I had concluded that both Bitbard (formerly Sandman) and Janey would be in Dallas on exactly the same day that my husband and I would be in that city for our annual visit to the Dollhouse Museum of the Southwest and to check out some books at the Dallas Textbook Depository. We decided to go out to Love Field and see if we could spot the happy couple and possibly eavesdrop on their rendezvous. After several hours of staking out incoming flights from New England, my husband nudged me and pointed to a middle-aged man with an obvious bulge in his pants doing a tongue duel with a woman about four inches taller than me. "This is a wicked huge airport," I heard the woman say, as she paused for breath. At just that moment, a child standing between us and the couple said, "Look mommy! They're all mushy!" The mother glanced contemptuously at the lovers, and then turned away in a huff. Since the mother and child were going to run us over, and since my husband's boner was by now even bigger than Sandman's, we turned away to avoid further scandalizing the mother and child. By the time they passed and we turned back around, the couple had disappeared. "Shall we look for them?" I asked. "No, I have a better idea," my husband said. Then he led me to a pair of small chambers with signs that said "conference booth." Fortunately, one of them was unoccupied, and he dragged me inside. * * * * By the time we were finished, we knew it would be impossible to find the happy couple again, and so we rejoined our hosts - my husband's former college roommate and his wife. He was Randy; and so was she, as we described the events in the airport while we drove toward their house. Randy was a police officer, and my husband and I were seated in the back seat of the cruiser while the braless wonder snuggled up next to Officer Friendly in the front seat. As we drove down the highway, a Porsche zoomed past us. The woman in the shotgun position had her eyes closed and was moaning with delight. It was the couple from the airport, and she was obviously having an orgasm right there on Route 35E! "That's dangerous!" said Randy, as he flipped on his flashing lights and "initiated pursuit." His wife responded by whipping off her tee shirt, leaning over toward her husband, and saying, "I think it's sexy as hell!" My husband's cock responded by rising faster than a tachyon on steroids. Randy was holding his binoculars, gazing after the car, which had begun to accelerate, even while it continued to swerve on the highway. "She's plucking his chicken!" Randy exclaimed. "Like this?" asked his wife. "Oh, fuck 'em!" Randy muttered, as he slowed down, turned off his flashing lights, and pulled off the highway. And they did. "Can I borrow your handcuffs?" were the last words my husband addressed to his old friend until after Beth and I both came in discrete but roaring and simultaneous orgasms. * * * * Having definitively lost track of the target couple, I decided to make the best of my trip by checking up on Deirdre over in Sulphur Springs. However, when we got there, we discovered that the Hopkins County Dairy Festival Parade was in progress. Moreover, two teenage girls in Daisy Dukes who were hanging on the arms of Beavis and Butthead told us that the parade would be followed by Southwest Homemade Ice Cream Contest. {This is all absolutely true. You can find it in on page 116 of the 1997 edition of the Triple A TourBook.} We figured that it would be easy to find Deirdre at the contest, and we smiled as we wondered what extremes she would go to in order to win. To kill time, we wandered off into a field behind the Dairy Queen out on the four-lane leading to the Interstate. The field was full of bluebonnets. I fell asleep with my head on my husband's lap, as he reclined against a large oak tree. I was awakened by the sound of a melodious male voice singing on the other side of the grove "I see trees of green Red roses too I see them bloom For me and you..." It was just about the best mood music I could imagine. As the song ended, we saw a guitar being cast aside on the other side of the grove, and pieces of clothing soon began to pile up on top of the discarded instrument. "What a wonderful world," I heard a female voice say, repeating a line from her lover's song. "Are you seducing me?" "I give up--I'm yours," I said to my husband. Two couples could play this game as well as one. My radio quietly blared away at my side with a sexy southern twang. "They're too crazy about each other To even care about the show." "Would you look at that woman's ass!" murmur my husband, as he gazed over my shoulder while he fondled my ass. As I turned my husband around and began to pay lip service to his cock, I heard the woman say, "Don't stop! Don't ever stop!" "Listen to the lady," said my husband. "Which lady?" I asked. "Both of them." * * * * Well, we never did catch up with Janey and Sandman. It probably wouldn't have been all that exciting, since they just make up all that crap in their stories anyway. And it looks like I'm not going to have time to review this story either. Ratings for "Janey in Bloom" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 ================== "Moonset" by Erin Halfelven (ErinHalfelven@my-dejanews.com). http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12533.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=366844294 If you enjoy poetry, I suggest you take a look at this poem. It's a good poem. However, I am not going to give it any ratings, because it simply isn't comparable to the stories that I usually review. Ratings for "Moonset": {Not Applicable} ================== "Questions in the Night" by" bad badbad (badbadbad98@hotmail.com). http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/year98/12890.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=370017320 The approach promised by this story sounded intriguing - a series of questions to evoke poetically sexy images. The actual story offered nothing of the sort. Just a bunch of confusing questions, a weak excuse for a second-person story. Somebody could take this approach and turn it into a really good love poem. Ratings for "Questions in the Night" Athena (technical quality): 8 Venus (plot & character): 4 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 4 ================== "Chosen" by Crimson Dragon (dcrimson@yahoo.com). http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12619.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=367470276 Usually it's bad when the reader can't figure out what is really happening in a story. But sometimes it's good, because the author is being deliberately mysterious or ambiguous; and the ambiguity is still enjoyable, even when the reader reaches the end of the story and still isn't really sure what happened. This is one of the good ones. You'll read back over it not muttering, "What the hell is he talking about?" but rather, "Hey! That's neat!" The story begins with a primitive sexual ritual - coming of age among the Sioux Indians or Medieval Belgians or some other group. Then suddenly we find ourselves in modern times with some young people on a camping trip, and the young woman is confused about her relationship with the man she hopes to bed that for the first time that night; and we begin to wonder what the first story has to do with the second. And then it all comes together in the end - but not quite the way we expected. This wasn't my favorite story, but that's because I think most reincarnation stories are simplistic and a bit silly. The fact that I liked this story at all means that the author has done a pretty good job of making his case. For a different viewpoint, see Mat Twassel's review of this same story later in this issue of CR. Ratings for "Chosen" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 ================== "Thumper" by Dave Read (posted by Commander Jameson). Guest review by Dave Myers. http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12454.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=365516779 There is an old raging debate on this newsgroup about whether it is really legitimate to conduct ratings on stories that are "jack-off" material. You know the kind, with very recognizable plotlines, stock characters, and nothing out of the ordinary. Personally, I think it's worth rating them if for nothing else than to urge writers to come up with something we haven't seen before. If you're going to write out of the tried and true playbooks, at least insert a hook which is quirky or unique. Some people argue that this is distracting, but I guarantee there are more out there that will be absorbed by your added kink. End rant. Synopsis: An older brother comes home to "babysit" his 16 y.o. sister, who decides to have a drinking/swim party. One of the very drunk guests gets deflowered by the brother. Potentially the most intriguing aspect of the story is the tantric sex subplot, which remains mostly unexplored in the story. Perhaps the writer decided it would not be believable to maintain this line of action with a virgin. As challenging as that seems, it would have been worth it. As written, the story is just trite. Rating for "Thumper": 4 ================== "Melisande" by Richard Todd (richard@magi.com). Guest review by Fiddler. http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/10854.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=350420371 Paul picks up Melisande on a foggy stretch of highway. They discover that they have much in common including a love of opera. After a day of exploring each others' minds, they have a night of exploring -- and enjoying each others' bodies. But Melisande is on a quest, and they must part the next morning. They both hope to meet again; but the story stops there. The question of reviewing stories in genres which one doesn't like is recurring once again on ASSD. This review is quite the opposite. A romance between two people with intellectual tastes leading to a hot time in bed pushes almost all my buttons. Why didn't this story push them harder? Perhaps it was because the couple matched too perfectly. Despite the tragic parting, I get no sense of conflict from the story. Paul fears a sexual dysfunction, but it doesn't happen. The two opinionated people agree on everything. One minor problem with the story is that it breaks the reader's attention with two annoyances. The first is a good deal of "high ASCII." There is an acute mark over the first e in "Melisande" (at least there is in the opera) which comes out as an asterisk on my word processor; there are also occasional "smart quotes" although most of the quotation marks are readable. The second is that the story seems to have been scanned in at some time; "d" keeps appearing where "cl" is needed, "m" appears where "rn" is needed, etc. There is very little wrong with the grammar of this story, but mechanical bad spelling is still bad spelling. Ratings for "Melisande" Athena (technical quality): 7 Venus (plot & character): 9 Fiddler (appeal to this reviewer): 7 ================== "Paula, The End of Her Lonely Day at a Roofing Company" by Rob4Play (Rob4Play@aol.com). Guest review by the reclusive "Mike Ink". http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/10457.txt http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/10458.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=346329641 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=346329647 Celeste sent this along to me with a note saying "This is by an author who has not posted to this newsgroup before, but he seems to be interested in submitting more stories, if he is encouraged to do so." She must have skimmed the story and seen the same promise that I do. I'm a newcomer to reviewing on this forum myself. So I face a small dilemma; a review should be an accurate digest for the reader, an even-handed evaluation of the piece as it now is for the writer, and not just a bug hunt for errors (that's called proofing). Let's see how I do. The author provides a summary himself. "Personal preferences: everything, variety of men, SEX! Here, I fantasize about being finally alone with her in the office at the end of the day. This is the first time this has happened. After months and months of looking, drooling ... never seeing enough cleavage .. imagining what it would be like to be fucking her brains out, today we are alone. I can make it happen. And I did." The last two sentences really say what writing is all about, don't they? The story starts out "Larry, Moe, Charley, Ralph, and Dave had left for the day." Charley? What happened to Curly? Our hero is being clever, sneaking peeks down the office manager's blouse. He thinks he's being subtle; she plays him like a fish. He chases her until she catches him, and they settle down to some pretty good, pretty basic sex, right there on the desk. One of the better lines is ""If that thing goes off before you do me..." Obligingly, he scoots on down and gets her off first with his tongue. Always nice to meet a gentleman. The author drops a jarring note into this; the guy is married. This is irrelevant to the story thus far, and just drops in with a loud thud. Note to author: Drop it unless you are going to use it. Celeste does a nice job of teasing when she describes plots. I aspire to her skills, but in this case there's no plot to inadvertently reveal. She teases, he pleases, they screw. Eventually his partner shows up, they get started on a 3-way, and, and... "To be continued. .... Maybe." Reminds me of the old Batman series. Back to the dilemma. The story is incomplete, not proofed, and not really ready for prime time. It's a draft of a pleasant fantasy. But this guy can write. There are nice, albeit shallow, characterizations of people doing believable things. Now he needs to take this story and add plot, tension, resolution, and all that good stuff that comes after the initial image of "gee, I would like to fuck her. I wonder what it would be like?" That's the author's job. He's learning the trade, and exploring what works for his style. I described my job above, and I wouldn't have spent this much time on this review if I didn't see some real potential buried under careless errors. Now, your job is to fuel the author's energy. Send him email. Encourage him, even if it is a one liner. Tell him what worked for you, or didn't. Remember the blow job principle. Ratings for "Paula" Athena (technical quality): 8 (minor technical flaws, but good sentence structure) Venus (plot & character): 5 (good characters, but the plot wandered off somewhere) Mink (appeal to reviewer): 6 (but there is such potential...) ================== "Lover's Desire" by J. R. Parz (rjzac@avid.dynip.com). Guest Review by R'khaan (rkhaan@ix.netcom.com). http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12714.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=368726244 This is the first story I've read from this author and I don't know much about him. When I read the first part of the story, I almost got out my "reject" stamp; still, I decided to continue reading with the hopes that the story would prove interesting. I wasn't disappointed! The story opens with Jess taking a stroll through the mall, pondering his sudden wealth and his relationship with his new wife, Lisa. While doing so, he comes upon a shop named, "Spells R Us." Curious, he enters the store and finds it loaded with interesting costumes and the like. The proprietor greets him and gets him interested in a maid's costume - and a potion that, according to the proprietor, will make Lisa love him more by transforming him into her ideal lover. Jess is doubtful, but purchases the costume and the potion; he'll do anything to get Lisa to love him - and not just for his money. After receiving instructions on how to use the potion, he goes home to become his lover's desire. Lisa arrives home fresh from a romantic interlude with her female lover. She, too, has been doing some thinking about her new husband, admitting to herself that she really married him for his cash but also deciding he's not too bad a fellow. Jess greets her with the potion and, despite her begging him not to take it, watches helplessly as Jess downs the potion and, as promised by the proprietor, passes out. Jess awakens to find himself transformed into a woman. Dazed, confused and, yes, a little excited, Jess explores his new body, giving himself/herself several orgasms before realizing he's got a major problem - trying to explain this to his wife! He doesn't realize that Lisa had witnessed his transformation from man to her ideal lover, a girl from college named Tracy Seavers. After seeing Jess transformed, she also passed out. Jess and Lisa take one look at each other and sparks fly immediately. Afterwards, Lisa confesses to Jess that she's bisexual and that he had been transformed into a woman because of it. The two of them along with Lisa's other female lover get together and explore all of the possibilities together. Jess returns to Spells R Us and thanks the proprietor for all of his help. I have to admit this story was pretty good. There are some guys who've wondered what it's like to be a woman and, by reading this story, you can get a pretty good idea what it's like. Ratings for "Lover's Desire " R'khaan (technical quality): 8 R'khaan (plot & character): 8 R'khaan (appeal to reviewer): 8 ================== "The Punishment Fits the Crime" by E. Z. Riter (ezriter@hotmail.com). Guest Review by R'khaan (rkhaan@ix.netcom.com) http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12514.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=366361800 Becky Wharton had a secret. The bad part was her husband, Charlie, found out about it. Seems the lady engaged in a little indiscretion - and wasn't discreet enough, having gotten busted fucking Harry the tennis pro. To make matters worse, Harry had taped the entire sordid encounter and tried to blackmail Becky. Charlie didn't give into the blackmail and Harry was sent to jail, leaving Charlie to deal with his adulterous wife. Throughout the story, you can see that Charlie is having a difficult time dealing with this problem because his love/lust for Becky is so very strong. Yet, he knows she must be punished. After banishing her to the guest room for a period of time, he devises a suitable punishment and invites some trusted friends over to witness the execution of Becky's sentence. In the presence of witnesses, Becky is made to strip down to nothing and endures some lashes with a whip, which Becky thoroughly enjoys. The assembled witnesses are shocked and surprised as Becky is made to wear a chastity belt, taking away her ability to fuck and leaving only masturbation as her only means of sex when Charlie's not around. A rather devious and fitting punishment, actually. EZ does a great job in telling of Becky's horror when she realizes that getting whipped in front of their friends wasn't the punishment - Charlie was dead serious about the chastity belt! After a tussle for the key around Charlie's neck, he finally gives in and gives Becky the high hard one. It would be interesting to see what happened afterwards... Good job, EZ! Ratings for "The Punishment Fits the Crime" R'khaan (technical quality): 8 R'khaan (plot & character): 8 R'khaan (appeal to reviewer): 8 ================== "Incubus" {Revised version} by Darkside (Darkside@nym.alias.net). Guest review by DG. http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12757.txt 01 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12758.txt 02 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12759.txt 03 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12760.txt 04 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12761.txt 05 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12762.txt 06 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12763.txt 07 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12764.txt 08 http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12765.txt 09 --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=368731830 01 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=368731836 02 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=368731842 03 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=368731848 04 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=368731854 05 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=368731860 06 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=368731866 07 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=368731872 08 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=368731877 09 I reviewed this story a few months ago, and was frustrated by the fact that a complex, well-plotted tale was badly compromised by sloppy writing, grammar, and formatting. I made a deal with the author to re-review the story if he gave it a thorough cleaning-up, and he has done just that. Here is the story summary from my original review: A deranged serial killer is on the loose. One of his victims, a young woman named Carolyn, is saved by a psychic, a young man named David, who is able to determine where she is being held hostage. In the process of her rescue, David and Carolyn switch bodies. This rather bizarre plot twist is handled well by the author. Before they can switch back, David and Carolyn must come to terms with what happened to them. In particular, Carolyn is haunted by her mistreatment at the hands of the killer. They find that they are developing romantic feelings towards each other, which are complicated by Carolyn's feelings for her best female friend. The story as reposted last week is cleanly formatted, and although the writing style is not perfect, it does not interfere with the storytelling, which is excellent. I can now strongly recommend the story to anyone who enjoys a tense psychological thriller. Ratings for "Incubus" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 10 DG (appeal to reviewer): 10 ================== "Scratches" by Lord Malinov (malinov@mindless.com). Guest review of BillyG (hayden@mindless.com). http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12449.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=365516755 On the occasion of their Eighth Wedding Anniversary, Malinov gives depth to the passion of his love with Diana. In his opening sentence he writes: "When I first slipped inside her, she bit her nails in me." This is about passion - unchecked, ungoverned, raw passion. This short bit by Malinov doesn't tell a story, at least not a story with a conventional beginning or ending. It's more a reminiscence of the intensity of their fucking, ". . . in wild ecstasies, crescent gouges, river wound welts. It's a good read, even a strong read, poetic in its wildness and telling in it's wondrous simplicity. Read it and then reflect a moment. Try to remember the passion of your own loving, how impossibly mad it was and how you didn't give a shit about convention or propriety or even saneness. Ratings for "Scratches" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 9 (even if it didn't have a plot) BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 10 ================== "The Adventures of Marvin Finster - Volume 1" by Unknown Author. Guest review by Crimson Dragon (dcrimson@yahoo.com) http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=206096050 You'll have to bear with me - this is my first review and I'm writing it at 1:30 in the morning. Probably not a good combination. Wasn't Finster a character on Bugs Bunny? Baby-faced Finster? Never mind ... probably no relation and it's late ... This story is a simple recollection of complex adolescent voyeurism turned into a little more. Our hero, Marvin, is going through the usual trials and tribulations of adolescence complete with unusually (or perhaps usually) high sex drive driven by raging testosterone. His school is filled with unattainable nubile young beauties which apparently inhabit his dreams quite often. As luck would have it, his school is remodeled in such a way that he finds a secret chamber that gives him a nice view of the girls shower. In this way, he finds his testosterone relief that he so desperately requires. All he needs to do is lay some intricate plans to get himself out of class once in a while to see the one girl he really wants, and perhaps a few extra sights along the way. This story does manage to capture some of the trials and confusions of an adolescent school boy, with some humour thrown in to lighten the mood. I can't say that there is a lot of depth to the story, but I'm not sure it was necessary. The author does spend an inordinate amount of time explaining his intricate plans to find and make use of his secret room. It adds to the "realism" of the piece, but it doesn't have a lot to do with sex other than the ultimate goal of it all - spying on the girls. The plans weren't a problem for me, but to be fair, I ought to mention them. If you are looking for realism, I found the last part of the story a little unbelievable, but that could have been me. It simply seemed odd to me that the author would take the time to set up the scenarios to get into the secret room in such detail, and then provide unlikely, though erotically interesting, encounters at the end without any real explanations as to how they came about. Perhaps a better look at Mattie's character would have helped me understand her motivations. Overall, the build up was interesting and flowed reasonably nicely, but I found myself asking questions about the ending which probably ought to be better explained in the story. Perhaps the questions will be dealt with in Volume 2, though there was an Epilogue that might have been used more effectively to deal with what happened to the main female characters as well. Epilogues usually try to answer more questions than they raise. The story itself was reasonably well written. I didn't spot any obvious English errors, but I wasn't really digging for them either. I found that I was distracted occasionally by intentional errors that were there for the humour aspect, but they weren't numerous enough to take points off for, and other readers might find them cute. Overall, this was a decently written voyeuristic journey which probably captures the spirit and fantasies of nearly every school boy on the planet. I've tried to use Celeste's standard for marking here, though I have to say it's hard second guessing what she'd have given, except on the appeal mark which is all mine. Ratings for "The Adventures of Marvin Finster" Athena (technical quality): 10 (no obvious errors) Venus (plot & character): 7 (a touch more depth needed in the female character, and more plot advancement at the end would have been nice) Crimson (appeal to reviewer): 8 (a better than average adolescent fantasy) ================== "Repentence" by Elf Sternberg (elf@halcyon.com). Guest Review by BillyG (hayden@mindless.com). http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12877.txt -- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=369683971 "Repentence" is the imaginative progeny of Elf Sternberg's creative mind. Those who would hold that there is no place for forgiveness or need for repentance might alter their views in light of this provocative tale. Mankind, God's children, might be the fitting benefactors of such understanding and love, but the Prince of Darkness? The angel once known as Light Bringer, First of His Words, Son of the Dawn, Angel of Morning, after his Fall, came to be better known among man as Lucifer, Lord of Lies, the Fallen Angel. Sternberg offers us a sometimes humorous and often iconoclastic portrayal of the changing nature of Hell and its Lord. While technology has played a role in the evolutionary changes in Lucifer's domain, the magnitude of transformation reflects perhaps more of Lucifer's change. Sternberg's story is more a philosophic offering than a sex story. Oh, there's a tempestuous sexual union between Lucifer and Rosier, his consort - Temptress of True Hearts, Lady of Temptation, Demoness of Love. Their union is less sweetness and light and more, well, dramatic. Witness: ". . . rising up, his great wings spreading to hold him suspended in midair for a moment over her, giving her one great look at this Lord of Hell before he descended onto, into her. A high-pitched moan greeted his plunge into her body, his taking of her flesh as she had cried for. The great sound of his wings filled the room as Lucifer and Rosier, Lord of Hell and Lady of Temptation, mated in unearthly passion." For all of that, this is not a story of seduction. Perhaps temptation, but not sexual temptation. Mostly, it's an account of forgiveness and, as Sternberg suggests, of repentance, perhaps even redemption. It's very well written, even provocative and certainly worthy of your attention. Ratings for "Repentence" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 BillyG (appeal to reviewer): 10 ================== "Chosen" by Crimson Dragon (dcrimson@yahoo.com). Guest review by Mat Twassel This is a nice story. It's long, about 16 pages, and it has a few problems, but it has rewards, too. The story opens with the chieftain's only daughter, twenty year old Fawn of the Moonlight Rising, about to make a rare appearance at a tribal dance. The young woman knows that this night she will pick her soul mate. Actually, a sacred stone she has will make the selection for her. Following the opening paragraph, the story shifts to a more modern day: Bree is about to go camping with her boyfriend of about three weeks, Dave. She's thinking about sleeping with him for the first time on this one-night camping trip, but she's concerned because she's knows she's a noisy lover, and another couple will being sharing the campsite: her friend and protector, Chet, whom she's known since early grade school, and Chet's new girl friend, Natasha, whom Bree has never met. Maybe she and Dave won't make love after all. Riding up to the camp with Dave, Bree comes down with more than a touch of car sickness. Chet, who had arrived earlier, decides to carry Bree off to her tent for some rest, but on the way he stops, Bree in his arms, to introduce her to his new girl friend, Natasha: Bree looked up. Instead of taking her to the tent, Chet had borne her to the small campfire. Bree took a deep breath, wishing she wasn't in Chet's arms for this, and extended her hand. Natasha looked a little nonplused about the introduction and Bree couldn't blame her. She'd be pissed off if Dave had introduced Natasha to her cradled in his arms. Natasha extended her hand and lightly gripped Bree's offered hand. Natasha's hand was cool and soft to the touch, imparting a certain strength. She didn't seem to be as upset as Bree would have been, had the positions been reversed. A strange tingle crossed into Bree's senses, almost like a spark from static electricity, as she released Natasha's fingers. This passage perhaps illustrates some of Crimson Dragon's writing strengths and weaknesses: plenty of information, a casual style, yet slightly less than perfect flow. While serviceable, the prose could be smoother, more polished, with better rhythms or phrasing or (occasionally) word choices, and that makes a difference in a long story. As I got deeper into the story I found myself trying to hurry my reading, trying to get the information without having to deal with the prose. Maybe this won't bother you as much as it bothered me. A few brief (probably unnecessary) shifts in point of view disturbed me, too, but all-in-all this isn't a bad read. If you're looking for scads of scalding sex, however, try something else--though for what it's worth, I think this story would have been more erotic had more of the penultimate scene been left to my imagination. Despite some shortcomings, this story left me with a hint of tears in my eyes. That's pretty high praise. ================== "On Her Leg" by LeAnna (leanna1@hotmail.com). Revised guest review by Tooshoes. http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/11540.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=355961858 After posting my original review of "On Her Leg", I was properly chastised for missing the point of the story -- a felony for a reviewer. I made a false assumption right at the start of the story about what exactly was "on her leg", but that was meant to be the entire mystery of the story, and it made all the difference in my evaluation of the story as a whole. So here is the revised review: When properly read, "On Her Leg" is a short, sentimental tale about a mysterious memento -- something unseen and nearly insubstantial but which binds a young woman to her lover, and transports her to their lovemaking whenever she thinks about it, looks at it, or touches it. The narration slips back and forth in time as the girl sits on a park bench amid a crowd, yet her attention focuses on the memento on her leg, which surfaces her memories of a previous night of intense sex. This is a well crafted, sexy story, and the mystery of what exactly is "on her leg" is at last revealed at the climax, pulling the whole story together. Ratings for "On Her Leg" Technical: 10 Characterization and Plot: 9 Appeal: 9 ================== "Keeping Warm in the Arctic Circle" by Gordie D (gordond103@aol.com). Guest review by jubjub. http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12739.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=368726373 Story Summary: A married couple living on the frozen tundra This is not a sex story. This is a meandering story of a man and a woman living in the deep north. It just happens to end with their lovemaking. A very nice piece, indeed. Technically, the piece is just shy of perfection. My biggest beef is that the voice of the narrator doesn't come through consistently. There were also a couple of misspellings and a punctuation mistake or two. None of this is amounts to a lot, though. However, what I find especially pleasing is that the writer presents almost a textbook example of how to write erotica without explicit mentioning the naughty body parts more than once. The characters in this story are very well drawn. Even better, they are drawn using dialogue and action--not the standard idiot speech that tends to be the norm for most amateur writers. You can almost imagine you're sitting beside a roaring fireplace listening to a grizzled storyteller spinning this tale. You know this couple by the time this story is finished, and you are heartened by the love they have for each other. But I thought the omniscient viewpoint fuzzed the focus of the story somewhat. I also thought the sex scene was a little cliched. But otherwise, it worked for me. Do I like this story? Yes, very much. I like this story not for its erotic power (which really is tame) but for its presentation of life and love in the wild north. Ratings for "Keeping Warm in the Arctic Circle" Technical: 9.7 Narrative voice could be more consistent Characterization and Plot: 9.8 A little cliched Appeal: 9.8 Very impressive ================== "Thank You" by Emil (posted by Kristern). Guest review by jubjub. http://www.qz.to/erotica/assm/Year98/12787.txt --- http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=369322287 Story Summary: Two woman thank a man for employment This is a bland story. The only saving grace, depending on your taste, is the final third of the story. That's when the dildos get pulled out and things start getting kinky. But the plot is simple enough. A women and her girlfriend want to thank a man for hiring one of them. There are numerous small punctuation errors and a couple of garbled sentences. The main problem was a bland style. I think a lot of authors need to chuck their high school English instructions about a certain writing trick. Sentence fragments. They break the flow of the story and can provide a sharp point to the narrative. This writer could have benefited from their use. As it stands this story is a little too wordy. Sentences lose their punch when the number of commas increase. A few less cliches (thankfully no mention of body part dimensions) could have also helped. There is no characterization in this story. While the author gives a nice physical description of the women at the beginning of the story, none of it finds its way into the main body. There is also no real way to tell the women apart. This story is, of course, pure stroke. But a few more details could have gone a long way. Overall, a passable story. Its high point is a fairly kinky ending (though not that extreme) that appears to have been the writer's target area to begin with. It would have been nice if the writer had also been more attentive to the first parts of the story. Ratings for "Thank You" Technical: 8 Bland style with cliches. Numerous small errors Characterization and Plot: 6.5 Nothing interesting until late in the story Appeal: 6.0 Hot kinky sex at the end saves the story ================== "Pool Girl" by Billy Bob (wmrobt@hotmail.com). Guest Review by Mary Jorsay Gandmar (maryjg@finebody.com). http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=369620230 http://search.dejanews.com/getdoc.xp?AN=369620235 I haven't been keeping up with the new stories on the ASS hierarchy and would have missed this one if Celeste hadn't sent it to me - many, many thanks, C! This is a lovely little story, quite superbly done overall. I've just a few minor gripes. I find that some phrases are repeated too often (even twice in the same paragraph). In a quick reading this may not matter, but if you want to savor the language, it can be a little jarring. Once in a while, there's unusual word usage, too: 'sorta', 'I had to contortion myself' and so on. But there aren't very many typos (I saw only one, 'clevage' for 'cleavage').A much-repeated error is the use of "it's" where it should be "its"; the latter is an abbreviation for "it is", not to be confused with the former, a possessive noun form. Also, the author has a habit of putting his conversational commas outside the closing quotes rather than inside (though he does this with the period). I checked the Chicago Manual of Style and it's (that is, it is) quite clear that the correct form is to be put the comma inside the closing quote. Casuistry, that, mere hair-splitting. And it does nothing whatever to detract from the rhythm and pace of the story. Basically, it's a slim, delicate plot: a suburban executive, married, kids, has an in-ground pool. He strikes up an acquaintance with a 17 year old on the Net, through an Internet Relay Chat service. As it happens, her father maintains pools, and she works for her father's company. She comes in to look at the pool. His family is at home when she first comes in to work on the pool. The next weekend, and this is where part 2 kicks in, he is alone - and they have sex. Just as they finish, his wife and kids return unexpectedly: dramatic twist number one, deftly handled and resolved. This is followed by a subtle shift of focus to his work and conversation with his employer which throws the very identity of his 'pool girl' into some doubt: twist number two, with a sexy, intriguing, tantalizing resolution. The story's got everything: it's funny, it's gentle, it's real, the characters are fully rounded. They come across fully described, physically and sexually, without long rambling discourses about their bodies but with just enough hints and indications to give the reader a full picture. The best erotica does this: it stokes the imagination and lets the reader fill in his own fantasy for the author's, while simultaneously maintaining the natural progression of the story. Somehow, he's even managed to capture the ambiance of suburban America without having to describe it - one sees a small town, quiet, not much happening, lots of greenery, sunlight brittle enough to suggest a place with a generally warmer climate, yet with some variations in weather. The sex in Part 2 is exhilarating, powerfully charged, extremely erotic, a major turn on in itself. The sex in and by the pool is exciting enough. This is followed by an even more erotic session with the pool girl bent over a pinball machine, with the narrator (well-hung and muscular) fucking her from behind. That he is big and she is small only adds to the allure. This is very fine work indeed. The author promises us more depending on the feedback. I hope this review is sufficient encouragement! Ratings for "Pool Girl" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 10 Gandmar (appeal to reviewer): 10 ================== "Pool Girl" Billy Bob | | | Archive site +----------------------+--------------------+ Newsgroup FAQ | ----