Message-ID: <704eli$9705051444@qz.little-neck.ny.us> X-Archived-At: Path: qz!news.accessus.net!not-for-mail X-Path-Preload: news.accessus.net preloaded to thwart rogue canceller there Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d Organization: The Committee To Thwart Spam Approved: X-Moderator-Contact: Eli the Bearded X-Story-Submission: From: Eli the Bearded Subject: The Alt.Sex.Hello-Kitty FAQ (was: Re: ASH-K Re: SEX KITTENS!!!) This was found in: Newsgroups: alt.sex.hello-kitty,alt.fan.tito,alt.religion.kibology, alt.my.head.hurts,alt.fan.richard-nixon And I just thought it needed a wider audience. Elijah ------ begin forwarded message ------ From: froggy@praline.no.neosoft.com (Carlos May) Subject: Re: ASH-K Re: SEX KITTENS!!! Date: 4 May 1997 23:16:10 GMT Message-ID: <5kj5bq$t5o@uuneo.neosoft.com> E.Holmes (eholmes@io.com) wrote: : On Sun, 04 May 1997 03:32:51 -0500, 50's Conservative Jaffo wrote: : /In alt.religion.kibology, on 4 May 1997 08:13:58 GMT, TPFH wanted to share: : / : /:(P.S. WHY ARE WE SHOUTING?) : / : /Because your ASH-K Faq is one of the funniest things I've ever read on : /usenet and it DESERVES to be posted! : Besides, it explains ALL about how Hello Kitty's incredible sexual : prowess provides more exquisite pleasure than any mere blow job. Well then, if TPFH won't post the a.s.h-k FAQ, I'll post the old version I still have on file from back when I was the FAQkeeper. (Look out Jaffo, or we might pass the post of a.s.h-k FAQkeeper on to YOU!!) Outdated... A character searching for a play, a man without a country, a FAQ without (due to SPAM) a functional newsfroup.... ------------------------------------------------------- ALT.SEX.HELLO-KITTY FAQ version 4.0 (last revised 25 September, 1996) Posted to alt.sex.hello-kitty about once or twice a month Hi fellow friends of the Great Cute Mouthless One! /^\_(>o<) | | | O . O | \_______/ Comments, additions, and corrections welcome; please post them here. froggy@neosoft.com ---------------------------------------------------------------------- NOTICE: THIS FAQ CONTAINS EXPLICIT DISCUSSION OF SANRIO CHARACTERS! -- you have been warned -- ------------------------------------------------------- Topics Dealt With: 1) What is alt.sex.hello-kitty? 2) Who or what is Hello Kitty? 3) Does Hello Kitty have a mouth? 4) What are some of Hello Kitty's sexual powers? 5) Who are some of Hello Kitty's sexual partners? 6) What are some of Hello Kitty's nicknames? 7) Are there really Hello Kitty condoms? 8) Can Hello Kitty really improve my sexlife? 9) Is it true that some people worship Hello Kitty? 10) Hey! I can't get alt.sex.hello-kitty! What's up? 11) What's with all these non-Hello Kitty related posts? 12) Who is this Froggy d00d? 13) Alright already, what IS alt.sex.hello-kitty, anyway? ------------------------------------------------------- ALT.SEX.HELLO-KITTY FAQ 1) What is alt.sex.hello-kitty? Um. A Usenet newsgroup. Called "alt.sex.hello-kitty". Where Hello Kitty is talked about. And other stuff. Er... "M.P." says: " news: alt.sex.hello-kitty I've no idea what this group is or about but, yous guys is funny. Especially Carlos May. Thanks... MORE!" (Carlos May says: "Well, thank YOU. But hey, anyone who can be even funnier than me here on alt.sex.hello-kitty is welcome to do so!") As to what this group is about... um... Well, according to tpfh@io.com (The Philosopher from Hell): "This group is for discussion of the Extra-terrestrial (or to some a Goddess) demi-fiction cat-being Hello Kitty, whose image you can find on many very cute japanese toys. You will also hear her refered to as "The Great Mouthless One." She is the savior of all mankind, and without the help of Her sevant Richard Nixon, we will be doomed to at least the next 4 years with Clinton or Dole (who are agents of the EVIL Goodbye Kitty (who looks just like HK, but with a Mouth))." Uh, yeah. I mean, no. I mean, sort of. Actually, it's easier to answer some of the other questions first, before this one... 2) Who or what is Hello Kitty? Hello Kitty is the macrocephalic plush kitten deity of the Sanrio pantheon. She is discussed in non-sexual contexts over on alt.fan.hello-kitty *. There is no general agreement as to exactly who or what Hello Kitty is, although everyone agrees she's cuter than hell. Some have speculated she is an extraterrestrial from an ancient mouthless race on a more advanced and much cuter planet. To others she is a sex goddess, an eternal virgin, a modern marketing fad, an ancient oriental icon, an innocent kitten, the Whore of Babylon, a wise prophet, a newborn babe, a sassy 18 year old, your best friend, your worst nightmare, and oh so very much more. According to clancygirl@aol.com: : hello kitty is the polymorph whose pervesity resides in her obtuseness * alt.fan.hello-kitty v/s alt.sex.hello-kitty: differing opinions. While some people think that the sexual discussion of Hello Kitty should be seperated from the non-sexual, others think that this division is not merely artificial but harmfull. Some Hello Kitty fans say that sexuality is such an inherent part of Hello Kitty's nature that any attempt to seperate it out is a denial that is ultimately futile. 3) Does Hello Kitty have a mouth? No. 3a) But... No "But"s. I _SAID_ No. 3b) So how does Hello Kitty talk? Telepathically. 3c) How does Hello Kitty give head? Alas, Hello Kitty sometimes wishes she had a mouth so she could perform fellatio. However, since she is able to generate powerful suction with her vaginal muscles, she has yet to leave a partner unsatisfied. Hello Kitty is also able to extend and move her labia so that they can "lick" like a pair of tounges. 3d) How does Hello Kitty eat? Hello Kitty does not need to eat. Hello Kitty lives on sunshine, fresh air, and lots and lots of hot cum shot up into her pussy. 3e) How does Hello Kitty breathe? Through her nose, silly! 3f) But, REALLY! I _SAW_ this cartoon of Hello Kitty where she had a mouth. REALLY! That isn't a question. 3g) Okay. Well, since I saw this cartoon of Hello Kitty with a mouth, how do you explain that, hunh? Look, we've already estabished that Hello Kitty doesn't have a mouth, right? Okay then. You see, Hello Kitty is an actress. In some cartoons she is called upon to play roles of characters that have mouths. In such cases, a "mouth" is added in the film's post-production through special effects. Sheesh, I gotta explain this to ya? We should also mention that many people believe that there is an evil anti-Hello Kitty, known as "Goodbye Kitty", who looks just like Hello Kitty except that she has a mouth. So be wary of any alleged Hello Kitty that has a mouth! 4) What are some of Hello Kitty's sexual powers? It's hard to separate myth and legend from reality here, since many who've had sex with Hello Kitty are either unconscious or babble incoherently in altered states of consciousness for days afterwards. None the less, Hello Kitty's sexual powers are clearly awesome, her gymnastic genital control being exceeded only by her mastery of female ejaculation. Hello Kitty is able to propel herself high into the air from her own ooze/squirt. She will sometimes, for example, have half a dozen male partners lie on their backs, and Hello Kitty will propel herself from throbbing erect penis to throbbing erect penis without using her arms or legs, and is able to do so with such rapidity that each partner feels like they alone are screwing Hello Kitty. Hello Kitty's labia taste sweeter than honey, juicier than oranges, more intoxicating than absinthe, and more addictive than chocolate. Her lovers often bottle up her vaginal secretions, and although they are not scarce such bottles still sell for high prices. Some claim that Hello Kitty Pussy Juice not only cures impotence and reverses the ageing process, but can even cure disease and raise the dead. Tiny amounts of smegma from around Hello Kitty's clitoris are used as a flavoring agent in all Hello Kitty Bubble Gum (especially the stawberry flavored). 5) Who are some of Hello Kitty's sexual partners? Hello Kitty has brought pleasure to millions all over the world, but some of her regular partners include: * Kerokerokeroppi, a priapic frog with an amazingly long and flexible tongue. * Spotty Dotty, a fashion conscious hot to trotty bitch in heat. * Tippi, a real "teddy" bear. * Pochacco, the pooch who put the "dog" into "doggy-style" * Peckle the Duck. Those in the know call him "Pecker the Fuck". * Tuxedo Sam, the elementary penguin, who is eternally spiffy, cool, and hard. * Zashikibuta, a sexy pig whose middle name is "pork". * My Melody, a snuggle-bunny who likes to hump like a rabbit. * Twin Stars. Double your pleasure, double your fun... * Zippy the Pinhead, master of the Yow, the brilliant creation of cartoonist Bill Griffith. * Kibo. A series of persistant rumors allege that Hello Kitty has kidnapped Usenet guru/deity Kibo and is holding him on Neptune as a sex slave, but these allegations are so far unconfirmed. * Richard Nixon. This last deserves further explanation. sanders@isa.informatik.th-darmstadt.de (Keith Sanders) says: "Richard Milhous Nixon, the 37th president of the United States, was the first US president ever to get a five-way labial stroke-fuck from Hello Kitty. One warmly recounted story in the Nixon White House was of the time that Mr. Nixon, along with John Ehrlichman, G. Gordon Liddy, VP Spiro T. Agnew, and then-Representative Gerald Ford stood in a circle four meters across, erect penises exposed, as Hello Kitty shot _horizontally_ in a manic pentagram pattern of an-oral feline loving (similar to the vertically-inclined pattern described in the FAQ). Trivia item: the flowing juices stained the Green Room carpet irreversibly, in the aforementioned pantagram pattern, so the carpet had to be removed; later, the rug was used as a background "tapestry" in the "Cult Induction" scene of the stage production of Wilson & Shea's "Illuminatus!" trilogy. "Nixon, far from being the extremist conservative he is so often depicted as in the liberal media, was actually an unquenchable roaring source of desire who liked to fuck flying demi-fictional cats!!!" 6) What are some of Hello Kitty's nicknames? Hello Titty, Hello Pussy, Hello Clitty. 7) Are there really Hello Kitty condoms? Alilena (alilena@aol.com) wrote: : Yes! It's true -- I'd seen a picture of what I *beleived* to be a pack : of condoms with monchiki on them in the Japanese Seventeen mag. Then : yesterday I picked up the new mangajin and they had a close-up on the : product! It really exists! Think Sanrio will ever distribute them here? : Weird... So the answer seems to be yes and no. Condoms with Sanrio characters actually are manufactured and sold, but are not commercially availible in North America. 7a) So, can you get some Hello Kitty condoms for me? I wish I could. If anyone has a source for getting them in North America, we'd like to know. 8) Can Hello Kitty really improve my sex life? Sure! Just listen to the unsolicited testimonial below: From: greenman@pacifier.com (steven michael nelson) Newsgroups: alt.sex.hello-kitty Subject: Hello-kitty SM sex experience " Just wandered across this news groop and well since it has sex in the title I thought I'd share a true story of the catalyst for my reclaiming my bisexuality. " Last year I met thees two women at this Gathering I went to. they realy liked me and expressed their intrest asking me if I would like to bottom to them in an SM sceen. Now I'd never played with women but I liked them so I said Yes. Well after some play piercins with hypodermic needles that they left in, they had me kneel on this low table and while one of them was flogging my back the other was siting on a couch in frunt of me and pulled out this small zippered pouch, opened it and pulled out...Hello-kitty clips, like small clothes pins. She proceded to pull my scrotum up over my penis and fasten the two sides over the top of my penic with the Hello-kitty clips, then she applyed more of them to the inside of my thigs all the whil the other woman continud to flog me. I coulden't stop laughing at the perversity of it all. Then Hello-kitty clips were put on my nipples and the woman who was flogging me leaned around, grabbed my left nipple, twisted and then declaired "the nipples don't work" which inspired me to quote Red Dwarf ligns. As it turned out the other woman was a Red Dwarf freek and we ended up quoting lignes from Red Dwarf to each other while the other woman contnued to flog me, the three of laughing and carring on. We ended up in bed later that night and well that was the beguinning of my bisexuality. Thank you Hello-kitty! Youngtree" 9) Is it true that some people worship Hello Kitty? Well... In response to this question by sara matthews (slapz@ozemail.com.au): : Why is it that I only started to get the hiccups once I read that : "Froggy" word? Is this some American Copperfieldish fiendish plot? Am I : doomed?. Will I be able to sleep? Or will Pseudo-gaucho's try to rIde : me? Should I assume as upright posture? Will that help? Should I just : give up (or in), paint myself green and hope for the best (beast?)? : : Or should I just blame the Port? The Philosopher from Hell (tpfh@io.com) evangelized: "you should pray at your personal shrine to The Great Mouthless One. If you don't have one, make one. All you need is some Sanrio product with the image of the Goddess. Pray to Hello Kitty, and Her healing powers of cuteness will cure you of any and all ailments." 10) Hey! I can't get alt.sex.hello-kitty! What's up? Not all systems carry all newsgroups. The distribution of a.s.h-k is fairly good, but could certainly be better. If your internet provider does not carry alt.sex.hello-kitty, send a email to your postmaster or sysop asking for it by name. Many providers will add Usenet groups from user requests; sometimes just a single request will do the trick. 11) What's with all these non-Hello Kitty related posts? The non Hello Kitty related posts in a.s.h-k fall into two categories: a) Spam. b) Allowed. In more detail: a) Spam. This is mostly advertising. Some of it is widely crossposted, some is just posted right here. This is mainly put here by clueless jackasses selling "phone sex" or some other scam throughout the "alt.sex.*" newsgroups. Alas, the "spam" problem has grown exponentially in the past couple of years. Various @(*@(% idiots have taken to crossposting sex ads to every newsgroup with the letters "sex" in them. Of course, this is considered unethical net abuse, and most reputable internet service providers will cancel the accounts of anyone who is caught doing it, and widely posted spams will be canceled. However the problem has grown so large that many newsgroups, especially in the alt.sex.* heirarchy, have been abandoned by their previous users. There are now many Usenet groups with no messages other than the spam ads, posted by jerks who don't even read the groups they post to. Many spammers now forge their return addresses, so you can't send them complaints just by replying. However, if you learn to read paths and headers (which we encourage those new to Usenet to learn how to do) you can often tell what server a post originated from and complain to the sysop or postmaster at the site of origin. For basic information on things to do and not to do on Usenet, check out the group "news.announce.new-users". For info on the continuing fight against abuse of the net, read the newsgroup "news.admin.net-abuse.misc". If you care about the Usenet, we encourage you to join in the fight to keep it usuable. Even just complaining about spam once in a while helps. Perhaps you (like many other people) think that "alt.sex.hello-kitty" is already too far gone with a flood of spam to save. Well, if you don't want the rest of the net to be similarly drowned, please join in the fight. If you are the type of person who would wish to post sex ads to off-topic groups, or spam "Make Money Fast" pyramid schemes, we hope you'll go straight to Heck, where the Evil Goodbye Kitty will make you bust up your computor with a hammer and eat it. Oh, and alt.sex.hello-kitty DOES have an OFFICIAL WARNING. We used to send it to spammers, back in the days when there were just a few of them, and they usually included their real addresses in their posts. It may well be out of date now (alas), but some folks still like it. The traditional alt.sex.hello-kitty official warning looks like this: *************************************************** * * * SPAMMERS AND ADVERTISERS BEWARE!!! * * * * This Newsgoup is protected by * * * * /^\_(>o<) * * | | * * | O . O | * * \_______/ * * * * * * H E L L O K I T T Y ! ! * * * * ** you have been warned ** * * * *************************************************** b) The other category of stuff in this newsfroup is "Allowed". This is stuff that belongs in this here newsgroup. Of course, traditional alt.sex.hello-kitty stuff belongs here. F'example: Talk about the sexual adventures, desires, and fantasies of Hello Kitty and her friends, and Sexual uses of Sanrio products. But also, there is: Non traditional stuff that belongs here, because it is now Allowed. Because Froggy and Friends say so. This is our newsgroup, see? ...But we share. We encourage you to contribute to this newsgroup, if you have something fun or interesting to say. Oh, and "alt.sex.hello-kitty" has been historically quite free of flames, flamebait, and deliberate hostility. Let's try to keep it that way. So to sumerize: What belongs in alt.sex.hello-kitty: Stuff about Hello Kitty and friends, stuff by and about and in responce to the regular posters, fun and funny stuff. What does not belong in alt.sex.hello-kitty (some of it is here, but we try to fight it): Advertisements and spam. What isn't here, and we hope stays away: Nasty hatefull stuff. 12) Who is this Froggy d00d? Froggy@neosoft.com, aka "The Information Super-Frog", occasionally known as Carlos May, even more occasionally known by other names, but more generally on line (and elsewhere) known as Froggy, is the guy who done put together this FAQ, dig? He went on line in July of 1994. He started posting FAQs for alt.sex.hello-kitty about December of 1994 (he doesn't remember, exactly, the date). He took over alt.sex.hello-kitty in July of 1995. Froggy used it as his personal silly newsgroup for about a year, but in July of 1996 the spam problem got to be so unmanagable that Froggy moved his main headquarters to alt.fan.tito. However, do to urging of other alt.sex.hello-kitty fans, Froggy hasn't given up on a.s.h-k and still hangs around here. Froggy is a citizen of the world who usually lives in New Orleans. He's as old as the hills and as young as tomorrow. In addition to sex and Hello Kitty, his interests include frogs, early jazz, and ancient MesoAmerica. And other stuff. You can often find him on alt.religion.kibology and alt.slack. In fact, some familiarity with these newsgroups will probably help you understand some of the stuff crossposted in to here. And might be fun and enlightening, too. Froggy sometimes pokes around a whole bunch of other newsgroups too. Not everything Froggy posts is crossposted here, just the stuff Froggy conciders fun/funny/relevent enough. There is a serious side to Froggy too, but he doesn't think it particularly relevent to this newsgroup. For more from Froggy, also check out alt.fan.tito and alt.politics.jaffo . Froggy doesn't have his own webpage (sheesh!) but has written stuff that's on a bunch of other folks pages. Two pages that contain a few things by Froggy and lots of other stuff that Froggy thinks is KEWL are the SubGenius website and the alt.thinking.hurts website, which are respectively: http://sunsite.unc.edu/subgenius http://www.ccnet.com/~fburke/ohsafety.html Froggy is also a high priest of the True Church of the Great Green Frog, and a prophet of the Fraternal Religious Order of Gollywogs. He knows that Frog croaked for our sins. Froggy sometimes channels an ancient green entity from the Frog Star called "Frater Frogalogus". What others have said about Froggy: "froggy is a benevolent god.... " -- patricking (thirstype@aol.com) " Carlos May is the official FROG PRINCE(TM) of alt.sex.* " -- The Jenn Conspiracy (jenn@rs1.tcs.tulane.edu) " My alt.slack ShorDurPerSav is Frater Frogalogus, who dances the razor edge beetween alt.religion.kibology and alt.slack artfully. Hats off to Froggy!" -- David Lynch (eraserhead@iglou.iglou.com) (note: "ShorDurPerSav" means Short Duration Personal Savior) "Froggy's not a doctor, but he plays one on TV...I think he's more than qualified." -- President-for-Life Rev. Gypsy Joker KSC, IM, SP4, Earl of Fives Froggy is also the President of Froggy's Usenet Salvage Company (F.U.S.C), a leading dealer in reconditioned and low milage used newsgroups. Want your own newsgroup without mucking around in alt.config and sending a control message? Come to Froggy's Usenet Salvage Company! Used newsgroups are the the ecologically sound and economical choice! Check out our impressive selection! Froggy's Usenet Salvage Company is convienently located at alt.sex.hello-kitty, in the heart of the alt.sex.* hierarchy; branch office at alt.fan.tito. Froggy's Usenet Salvage Company is the only entity allowed to advertise in alt.sex.hello-kitty without becoming spam. Well, other ads _might_ be allowed _only_ under the following conditions: 1) The ads are not actually selling anything, and: 2) The ads are very very funny. 13) Alright, already, what IS alt.sex.hello-kitty, anyway? Sheesh. You don't know by now? Ain't ya read the FAQ? ----------------------------------------------------- thanks to those who contributed ------------------------------------------------------ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~ froggy@neosoft.com ~ FAQkeeper, alt.sex.hello-kitty ~ "Tounge of Frog" ~ *** "Don't just say Ribbit... Live it!!" -- Kerokerokeroppi. *** * President, Froggy's Usenet Salvage Company. * Hequet. Kermit. * * F.U.S.C. headquarters: alt.sex.hello-kitty * alt.fan.tito * ------ end forwarded message ------ -- +--------------' Story submission `-+-' Moderator contact `------------+ | story-submit@qz.little-neck.ny.us | story-admin@qz.little-neck.ny.us | | Archive site +--------------------+------------------+ Newsgroup FAQ | \ .../assm/faq.html> /