Message-ID: <6607eli$9712202037@qz.little-neck.ny.us> X-Archived-At: From: Celeste801 Subject: {ASS} Celestial Reviews 244 - Dec 20 Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.d,alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit Content-type: text/plain; charset=ISO-8859-1 Path: qz!not-for-mail Organization: The Committee To Thwart Spam Approved: X-Moderator-Contact: Eli the Bearded X-Story-Submission: X-Original-Message-ID: X-Is-Review: yes Celestial Reviews 244 - December 20, 1997 - Christmas Special Note: In this issue I posting reviews of every Christmas story I know about, EXCEPT those which have been reviewed as part of the Celestial Christmas Story Contest in the past few issues. If I missed any stories, please send them to me. The next regular issue of Celestial Reviews will be December 24, and then I'll take a Christmas break until January 3. Second note: Not all the stories reviewed here are good ones. I reviewed any story that seemed to have a Christmas theme. To save you some time, here's a list of my Top 12 Christmas Stories. I am excluding those entered in my Celestial Christmas Story Contest. Some of those may be even better; but if I included them in this list, that would ruin the surprise of the dramatic announcement of the winner on January 3 at half-time of the Down Under Bowl. 1. "For Now" by Uther Pendragon (adolescence & romance) 2. "Here Cums Santa" by SueNH (real celebrity sex!) 3. "Sue Saves Christmas " Paul LeComte (holiday orgy) 4. "Christmas Break" by Mat Twassel (sexual fantasies) 5. "Wrapped Attention" by Uther Pendragon (romantic first time) 6. "Santa's Cumming" by Kansica (orgy with Santa) 7. "Solstice Present" by Michael Snider 8. "Christmas Tale" by Frank Ashby (hedonistic reunion) 9. "A Christmas Pony" by Grr Raoul Leash (bestiality & humor) 10. "Christmas with the Andersons" by James Boswell (various orgies, etc.) 11. "Christmas Presents" by Ruth White (transgender) 12. "Oh, Christmas Tree" by Dulcinea (sex under the Christmas tree) 13. "Faerie Tale I" by Unknown Author (outdoor sex) You can send one story to a loved one for each day of Christmas. Number 13 is a bonus - even if it is a bit of a stretch. Third note: Keep in mind the Celestial Christmas Story Contest. The only rule is that your entry has to be a new story about Christmas or a related holiday theme. I'll interpret this seasonal theme loosely - a Druid orgy at Stonehenge during the winter solstice or group sex at half-time on a Rose Bowl float would qualify. Entries can still be posted as soon as they are written, and I'll review them as soon as I receive them. Winners will be announced on or around January 2. If you want to try to influence my judgment, send me your comments about the stories when you read them. I had hoped to post reviews of all the Contest entries I have received, but they are still coming in, and so I'll have to save at least a few reviews for the December 24 issue. Here is a list of all the Contest stories I have reviewed so far: "Fantasies" by BitSlinger "Christmas Carole" by MrSpraycan "Snowbound" by Ann Douglas "The Curiosity Shop" by Sven the Elder "Tongue and Cheek" by Hawk "Santa" Richards "The Night Before Christmas" by M1KE HUNT "My Xmas Threesome" by Patty Nickel "Another Christmas Carol" by Unnamed Author "A Letter to my Babe" by Dexy "Carole" by Kim "Destiny Manifested" by Losgud Here are the stories submitted for the Contest which I have not yet reviewed: "Snow Flake" by DG "Room with a View" by Mark Aster "Seduction" by A Magician "A Very Rejected Christmas" by OddManOut Anywhere "Winter Solstice" by Raven M. "Christmas Dinner" by Tom Bombadil If you submitted a story and it is not on one of these lists, you should contact me as soon as possible. Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com. - Celeste "A Christmas Pony" by Grr Raoul Leash (bestiality & humor) 10, 10, 10 "Home for Christmas" by Unknown Author (sex with stepsister) 9, 6, 7 "Joan for Christmas" by Unknown Author (confusing TG shopping trip) 6, 3, 1 "Solstice Present" by Michael Snider (bdsm & fantasy fulfillment) 10, 10, 10 "Office Christmas Party" by Remy (torture) 7, 4, 3 "Zucchini" by Frank McCoy (incest with a vegetable) 7, 8, 2 "Edging All The Way: Holiday J/O Good Thing" by Frank Nash, The New York Jacker (masturbation) 10, 10, 10 "Santa's Cumming" by Karen Flynn (illiterate TG fantasy) 4, 3, 1 Celestial Christmas Story Contest: "A Letter to my Babe" by Dexy (romantic fantasy) 8, 7, 8 "Carole" by Kim (meaning of life) 9, 10, 10 "Destiny Manifested" by Losgud (brother/sister romance) 9.5, 10, 10 Reposted Reviews: * "Christmas with the Andersons" by James Boswell (various orgies, etc.) 10, 10, 10 * "Adult Christmas" by Abby (Santa orgy) 9, 10, 10 * "Faerie Tale I" by Unknown Author (outdoor sex) 10, 10, 10 * "A Charlie Brown Christmas" by Unknown Author (Christmas orgy) 10, 9, 9 * "Santa's Cumming" by Kansica (orgy with Santa) 9, 10, 10 * "Oh, Christmas Tree" by Dulcinea (sex under the Christmas tree) 10, 9, 10 * "Candy Cane" by Dulcinea (oral sex with Santa) 10, 9, 9 * "For Now" by Uther Pendragon (adolescence & romance) 10, 10, 10 * "Here Cums Santa" by SueNH (real celebrity sex!) 10, 10, 10 * "Sue Saves Christmas " Paul LeComte (holiday orgy) 10, 10, 10 * "Christmas Presents" by Ruth White (transgender) 8, 10, 10 * "Christmas Break" by Mat Twassel (sexual fantasies) 10, 10, 10 * "Christmas Tale" by Frank Ashby (hedonistic reunion) 9, 10, 10 * "Christmas Carol" by Mark E. Dassad (teen gangbang) 5, 9, 8 * "Wrapped Attention" by Uther Pendragon (romantic first time) 10, 10, 10 * = Repost of previous review (because the story has recently been reposted) "A Christmas Pony" by Grr Raoul Leash. I'm a city girl. But that doesn't mean I don't know about country livin'. I listen to country songs on the radio, and they talk about lonely hearts, pickup trucks, unfaithful women, hard-living men, and greyhound buses. They don't talk about Christmas ponies. The young folks don't get much done 'cuz they're having too much fun in grandma's feather bed or rolling in the hay with Farmer Johnson's daughters, because there ain't nothin' wrong with their radios. The men occasionally leave their women at home while they pursue a Holy Grail called the damned ole rodeo. The women are often tigers in their tight-fitting jeans who are looking for love in all the wrong places down at the honky tonk. But none of them concern themselves with Christmas ponies. If country folks really DID have Christmas ponies, I'd know about. Pam Tillis would have mentioned it in her ballad about her crazy life. Believe me: those songs are straightforward. They sing about partying with Jose Cuervo and waking up in someone else's clothes; about living in two-story (not storey) houses; about little lovin' lies; and about two-timing bastards. One of my favorites is a ditty by the Stattler Brothers about "My Bed of Roses" - actually a pun on Rose's Bed - in which a teenager describes how he learned all the things a man should know from a woman not approved of I suppose, whom the church-going folks in town wouldn't even talk to. A Christmas pony wouldn't even be a stretch for country singers, who invented the term Dolly Parton and have been known to name their male children Sue. No, there is no such thing as a Christmas pony. But heck, there's no such thing as Santa either. And Rudolph doesn't really have a nose that glows. Nor does frosty go thmpity thump thump before he comes each winter. And so a story about a Christmas pony is not out of order. Viewed from the proper perspective, this story is a real laugher. The basic plot is that Santa brings a Christmas pony down the chimney; and while Mom, Dad, Billy Bob, and Sis look on and plot their future activities, Santa has sex with the pony right there in front of the Christmas tree and fireplace. This obviates the need for egg nog! And as Billy Bob (actually Jimmy) says to his father: "And you and Mom won't allow Amy or me to have human sex until we're eighteen. I fully understand your reasons why. So that's when I came up with the idea of having sex with animals. I can learn about sex, have a great time at it, and won't get some girl pregnant." Which reminds me: What goes "Ho, Ho, Ho, Clunk?" Answer: Santa Claus laughing his head off. What goes "Ho, Ho, Ho, Clunk, Clunk, Clunk, Clunk....?" Answer: Santa Claus laughing his head off at the top of the stairs. Ratings for "A Christmas Pony" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Home for Christmas" by Unknown Author. Dan is not exactly excited about the prospects of a boring visit to his family to exchange Christmas presents. After all, they're just a bunch of step-siblings; and he has never felt very close to them. But wait! Ami has grown up, and now he's happy to feel very close to her indeed. As the narrator puts it, her topography (not typography!) has improved. A good time is had by both. Ratings for "Home for Christmas" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 6 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 7 "Joan for Christmas" by Unknown Author. John goes shopping for Christmas, and he buys a sexy dress as a special present for himself. In the parking lot he gets almost run over by a car, and during the time between the time he first sees the car and the time when he is helped to his feet, he hallucinates about being a woman, having sex, getting pregnant, and having a baby. The story is not even as good as the preceding confused sentence might make it seem. It contains a huge number of annoying typographical (not topographical) errors - mostly wrong words that make the story even more confusing than would seem possible. Ratings for "Joan for Christmas" Athena (technical quality): 6 Venus (plot & character): 3 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 1 "Solstice Present" by Michael Snider (msnider@mindspring.com). This story is interesting for what doesn't happen as well as for what does occur. First, the woman's bathrobe falls open in front of the bellboy, but she doesn't fuck him - she just adds him to her fantasy repertoire. The very next paragraph refers to a hand job, but the term refers to the fact that the package the bellboy brought is hand-wrapped. Now, on to what DOES happen. The woman is alone with Jose Cuervo at a resort at which her husband will join her in two days. {Jose Cuervo is a brand name of tequila. I know this because the name comes up often in country western songs that often supply background music for my private orgies with my husband. Hence, the phrase, "No way, Jose!"} The package contains a solstice present from her husband - some basic bdsm material and an introductory note from Marka, who will orchestrate her fantasy fulfillment. Well, you can take it from there. Let me just say that things work out pretty well or everyone. Ratings "Solstice Present" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Office Christmas Party" by Remy (dianthus@concentric.net). "You" are at your boyfriend's office Christmas party. Since "you" are eventually tied spread eagle to a desktop while several guys fuck your cunt, "you" are apparently a female. So if you are actually a guy, what the hell are you supposed to think while you're reading this story? See, when I say you, I mean you - the person who is reading these words. When this author says "you," he apparently means "she" but wants to confuse "you" by asking you to pretend that you are she, which makes no sense if you don't have a cunt that can be probed by all those penises. Even if you're a woman - say, perhaps moi (that's French for Yours Truly) - the "you" makes no sense. I am not at all like this woman. I have watched such women at parties and I might enjoy reading stories about them, but why confuse the issue by insisting that she is me? When you wrote this story, you should have said "she" instead of "you." The previous sentence was silly, because you did not write this story, unless you happen to be the author. Is there a lesson in this? What this author probably did was write the story as a fantasy for someone else - maybe a cyberlover with whom he wanted to share a sex fantasy or a drinking partner sharing Jose Cuervo. She read it and said, "God! This makes my pussy wet! I came fourteen times just reading it! You oughta publish this shit!" And so he did, but he did not have the insight or courtesy to revise it in order to enable a different audience to enjoy it. Authors do this all the time. I don't understand it. Well, I do understand it, but I think it sucks. If you want to write a story for an audience of one, that's OK. But if you want to write the story for a general public, do it right! It is possible to write a "you" story. For example, we readers might view the letters of one person to another or eavesdrop on their conversations. But good "you" stories are unusual. They are difficult to write. My advice is to write from the first (I) or third person (he/she) perspective, unless you have a good reason to use the second person. In addition to the second-person problem, the author uses a weird melange of verb tenses to confuse the reader further. However, as I understand it, a woman goes to an office party, gets drunk, sucks the monster cock of another drunk, and enjoys this immensely. This has something to do with spite towards her boyfriend, Jeremy - fuck the bastard! Then Jeremy catches her and punishes her; but no matter: she has orgasms all the while he beats and abuses her. Then he invites his friends to torture her, and one of them burns her "right nibble" with a cigarette, which hurts like hell and leads to more orgasms. I guess this all makes sense. After all, if you believe, anything can be true - isn't that what Miracle on 54th Street is all about? Ratings "Office Christmas Party" Athena (technical quality): 7 Venus (plot & character): 4 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 2 "Zucchini" by Frank McCoy. Actually, this story is not by Frank McCoy. Frank himself suspects it's by someone named Tammy, but Tammy says it's something she picked up under the original title "The Christmas Present." Anyway, you wouldn't spontaneously select this as a Christmas story, unless someone told you about it. The basic premise is that zucchini (I guess that's the plural) make excellent natural dildos. They come in any size necessary to fit any vagina. All you have to do is pick them when they reach the size you want. In fact, if you slept in the garden, the damned things might grow inside you - but that would be a different short story.In the summertime they grow almost as quickly as some guys' cocks. At the beginning of the story, the man sees his ten-year-old daughter fucking herself with a zucchini. When he reports the episode to his wife (Mrs. Potato-Head - no, I'm just kidding!), she tells him that he should go into the little girl's room and have sex with her, in order to "save her from masturbating with a stupid vegetable." The wife adds: "She'll never be able to relate properly to a man, if all her early experience with sex is just some frigid cucumber." This may sound stupid, but I had a friend who had a bunch of baby ducks imprint on him. They followed him all over the place, quacking outside his door late into the night. As the saying goes, "Like duck, like cucumber"; and I suspect this can be extended to zucchini. All this is interesting, you might say (or probably not), but what does it have to do with Christmas? Well, I was just coming to that. Approximately 8.5 years after Daddy begins boinking his baby, during which time they have constantly copulating like coaxial cables, Little Lynnie gives Daddy for Christmas an unopened tampon and applicator. She doesn't need it anymore, because she's pregnant with his son/grandson! Isn't that special? So that's why there's an angel on top of the Christmas tree. I know that's a non sequitur, but so is this entire story. Ratings "Zucchini" Athena (technical quality): 7 Venus (plot & character): 8 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 2 "Edging All The Way: Holiday J/O Good Thing" by Frank Nash, The New York Jacker (nyjaquer@smartec.com). This isn't really a Christmas story, but it comes a lot closer than the previous attempt, if you'll pardon the pun. What we have hear is some good, solid advice (or soiled advice, as my spellcheck preferred) regarding how to masturbate during the Christmas season, as well as at other times during the year. I have secretly suspected that some of the people who frequent the a.s.s.* newsgroups engage in what my eighth-grade nun mysteriously referred to as "self-abuse" or "the solitary sin." I now believe that both of those terms refer to excessive scrupulosity, and I find it refreshing to find a discussion of techniques for stroking the one-eyed burping gecko. This article shows that when a young man decides to take matters into his own hands or to windsurf on Mount Baldy, he can do more than whack the weasel in order to tenderize his tube steak before shooting putty at the moon. Actually, there are four articles in this series. In addition to the one I am reviewing, there are 2. Maxing Out Your Loads 3. Work out your COCK 4. Maxing out your jackoff The articles are designed mostly for men, but women may also find them stimulating. The information is slightly redundant, but some folks may want to try this more than once. In other words, masturbation can be more than sacrificing sperm to the goddess of lonely nights. These guidelines may help you shake the paint loose the next time you polish your bayonet or pop your clutch. Maybe this "story" would qualify as "seasonal" because it could lead to some New Years Resolutions. Ratings "Edging All The Way Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Santa's Cumming!" by Karen Flynn (TGSTORIES@station1.com). This is an insipid and illiterate story about a guy who wishes he was a girl. Santa comes down the chimney and brings him a dress for Christmas. After some flashbacks - surprise! The story doesn't end here; but we can go to a web site to get the rest. Yeah, right.... And Santa doesn't cum either. This is the sort of thing that happens when you promise to review any story you can get your hands on that has something to do with Christmas. Ratings "Edging All The Way Athena (technical quality): 4 Venus (plot & character): 3 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 1 "A Letter to my Babe" by Dexy (padiday@hotmail.com). The only reason this is a "Christmas story" is because the eponymous letter is dated December 18. Give it another date, and you have an Easter story, a Mother's Day story, or even a Guy Fawkes Day story. But the rules for the contest do say that "I'll interpret this seasonal theme loosely," and so the story is certainly eligible for consideration. This is really a "you" story, like the previously-reviewed Christmas Office Party story. The "you" perspective makes slightly more sense in this one, because it is a letter addressed to somebody else. However, I still had trouble getting into the mood of the story, because it seemed to be written for an audience that did not include me - as if the author had a story ready to post, saw a Christmas story contest, and then adapted this story to that purpose by simply inserting a date and saying, "I'll be thinking of you at Christmas." Imagine that. Given the preceding constraints, this is a pretty good story. It's a fantasy about what a bloke would like to do to his babe down under - I mean in Australia. Actually, the man is in Australia, but the fantasy takes place in exotic India. It's a pretty good fantasy. Ratings "A Letter to my Babe" Athena (technical quality): 8 Venus (plot & character): 7 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8 "Carole" by Kim (Ghost@nym.alias.net). Why is Kim leaving the bar with her panties in her pocket, and what does this have to do with Christmas? Well, it's because she had been thinking about her present (meaning now, not a gift) and then somebody was kind enough to show her a possible future. In short, she has met Carole, who had put the scroo in Scrooge. The sex in this story isn't actively sexy, but it's still an important part of a very good story. Kim weaves together several separate, vivid incidents into a good slice-of-life plot. Kim doesn't start this story with a claim that it is "true"; and I seriously doubt that these things really happened to her exactly as she describes them. Nevertheless, this story has a ring of authenticity to it that is often missing in stories on this newsgroup. The only problem - and it's really a minor one - is that Kim should have consulted her proofreader before going to press with this story. Another 24 hours and one more set of revisions could have made this an even better story. Ratings "Carole" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Destiny Manifested" by Losgud (losgud@hotmail.com). Sam's life sucks. In the bad sense. One of the reasons his life sucks is that his girlfriend doesn't. In the good sense. That is, it sucks bad that she doesn't suck good. But no matter. He breaks up with her and plans a Christmas visit to his long-lost sister Miriam in California. It turns out that Miriam has become wealthy, and Sam arrives just in time for the lavish Christmas bash at her house. Miriam has given her friends and associates the impression that Sam is a friend rather than her brother, and - can you see where this is going yet? Right - adult incest sans social stigma. When the brother and sister get going, the sex is both tender and hot; and the author blends all of this with personality development that doesn't hinder the action at all. This is an excellent story. Ratings "Destiny Manifested" Athena (technical quality): 9.5 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 * "Christmas with the Andersons" by James Boswell (Jaybos@cris.com). Bobby is lonely and depressed, because he has to wait around to take his last exam after all his college friends have gone home for Christmas break. Readers of this story don't suffer, however, because Bobby spends his time rehashing a sexy scene from earlier in the school year. When he finally catches his plane and goes home, he is met at the airport by his sensual mother and sexy sister - or maybe it's vice versa. Then things rapidly become more and more interesting. I chose this story because its title had a Christmas theme, and 'tis the season. Actually, it's not all that seasonal. True, Heather gives Bobby a simple blowjob rather than a complete enfuckment because she has already gone to confession and doesn't want to have to go again before going to communion on Christmas; but I think that's theologically ambiguous at best. {Heather must have had different nuns than I did.} But when Laurie boinks the boss at the office while she's still full of her husband's cum from the wake-up call - well, that could have been opening day of baseball season as well as a few days before Christmas. On the other hand, the wild session with Stan the Man in the station wagon did at least start at the office Christmas party; and the drunken orgy that included Stan's little brother was really an extension of what had started earlier. Meanwhile, back at basketball practice, the lesbian coach has become attracted by the combination of sexy innocence and sweet sluttiness exuded by Bobby's 14-year-old sister, Amanda. And then we find Bobby wondering if his sexy mother is naked while he hears her grunting on the exercise machine in her bedroom. Certainly Sherri's big tits and the way she bangs the hell out of Robert at the office don't qualify as a Christmas story. To be sure, Mr. Dawson is deeply interested in the youth of his community; but since that's really just a euphemism for liking his girls a little on the young side, it hardly qualifies as a Christmas motif. Ah, here's a connection: when Laurie is kneading the dough for the Christmas cookies, she's really needing a couple of cocks. Then there's father O'Sullivan - a kind of Bing Crosby or John Black {for you DOOL fans} with raging hormones, leading the girls' choir in practicing carols. In his bed at night, as he whips his hand up and down his turgid flesh, lost in lust and guilt, his thoughts have often turned to doing indecent and indescribable things to sweet Amanda Anderson. What would father O'Mally say about that? Maybe I'm being too rough. After all, Mrs. Stone does say "Merry Christmas!" to Bobby after she lures him away from the party and before she pulls a Mrs. Robinson with him. And when Mrs. Stone's daughter catches them in the act, Bobby and Mindy do go at it like reindeer in heat; and Bobby does explain his absence from the party as "checking out the Christmas decorations." Well, it all comes together when they exchange Christmas presents. And later that night, after all the festivities, while Amanda is gently masturbating in front of a glowing fire, visualizing in her mind's eye the special efforts she had put in to get just the right presents, generally reviewing her year's sexual exploits, looking up in the midst of an orgasm to see her big brother looking down at her.... If the mother's name had been Carol, we would have a clear musical connection: "Here we go a' caroling!" As it is, we'll just have to settle for that other Christmas favorite: "Yes, I need a little pussy, "Right this very minute...." This is very hot reading for a cold winter's night. It has some minor stylistic flaws, but it's an excellent story. Ratings for "Christmas with the Andersons" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 * "Adult Christmas" by Abby (abbywife@aol.com). This is going to be a little hard to explain: there IS a Santa Claus, but he comes only for selected families when the woman turns 40 and the youngest child has stopped believing in Santa. And he's not an old man; he's a virile 30-year-old with a wife that gives great head to male and female alike. And that's not all; but you really should read the story to find out about it for yourself. Don't let the brevity of this review lead you to believe that this is a weak story. It's really excellent! Ratings for "Adult Christmas" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 * "Faerie Tale I" by D-Singer. While I was looking for Christmas stories for this issue, I came upon this THC repost - fairies, elves - close enough, I thought. 'Twould be more appropriate for St. Patrick's Day, but a delightful story this is. The lass who narrates the story has returned from America to Ireland, where she goes skinny dipping in a bucolic wilderness stream and is accosted by a brawny lad who mistakes her for a water nymph. Well, to meet a nymph is good luck, but to have intercourse with one means death; but the young man figures, "What a way to go!" They don't actually SLEEP together, so I suppose the guy lived happily ever after. Ratings for "Faerie Tale I" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 * "Santa's Cumming" by Kansica (Kansica@aol.com). On a whim, the beautiful blonde lady decides to have her picture taken with the mall's Santa Claus. When he asks her what she wants for Christmas, she replies, "Well, mom thinks I need a man. Could you bring me a gorgeous specimen of a man?" {At a recent Christmas party, the Santa Claus asked my husband what he wanted. He replied, "Can I have a copy of your list of naughty girls?" When Santa demurred, my husband said, "OK. I'll settle for your list of NICE girls." I think I'll keep him!} When Santa asks her if she's been a good girl, she replies that she has been quite slutty, and she feels his ears with dirty but delicious details. Of course, she is sitting on his lap during this part of the narrative. Anyway, Santa assures her that it's sometimes nice to be naughty and asks her to meet him after work. It seems that Mrs. Claus no longer has much interest in sexual activity other than missionary style once a month. Santa needs relief from his hectic life, and he'd like Jennifer to help out. Mrs. Claus has no objections, but she has insisted that Santa never have missionary-style sex with another woman. {No wonder Santa laughs so much!} Santa is free to engage in sexual intercourse in any other position, with the further stipulation that he videotape each encounter to protect himself from being sued or arrested for rape. Got your attention yet? Check this story out for yourself! Oh! I forgot to tell you - Santa is looking for the right woman to give to his helpers as a reward for their good work throughout the holidays. They so seldom have time to indulge in the pleasures of the flesh.... This is a VERY creative and stimulating story! Ratings for "Santa's Cumming" Athena (technical quality):9 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 * "A Charlie Brown Christmas" by Unknown Author. This story was listed as cbxmas.doc. If you want to find it on Deja News, I would suggest using "alt.sex.stories Charlie Christmas." Charlie Brown, Sally, Linus, Snoopy - the whole gang from Peanuts are more sexually active than we might think. Indeed, Peppermint Patty and Marcie are lesbian lovers; Lucy has finally found a better way to approach Schroeder while he plays the piano and tries to ignore her; and Linus has tried to get some nooky from the little red-headed girl, but she has been saving herself for Charlie Brown. Well, Charlie Brown gets a special Christmas present, and a general orgy ensues. This was the best Christmas ever! This is a pretty good parody - or perhaps a pastiche - not quite as good as most of those by Shelby Bush or Uncle Mike, but still pretty good. I was a bit put off by all the urination - it just doesn't sound like all that much fun to have somebody piss in my mouth; but other than that I enjoyed this story. Ratings for "A Charlie Brown Christmas" Athena (technical quality):10 Venus (plot & character): 9 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9 * "Oh, Christmas Tree" by Dulcinea (Dulcinea97@aol.com). Every year I try to make love just one special time under the Christmas tree. So do the people in this story. It's a very nice custom and a very nice story. As the song goes, I saw Momma fucking Santa Clause Underneath the Christmas tree last night.... Ratings for "Oh, Christmas Tree" Athena (technical quality):10 Venus (plot & character): 9 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 * "Candy Cane" by Dulcinea (Dulcinea97@aol.com). This story is NOT about the REAL Santa Claus. Jan and Tony have been working together at the Santa Shop in the mall, and after the last evening of hard work Jan goes down on him and invites him home for an wilder evening of elf sex. Ratings for "Candy Cane" Athena (technical quality):10 Venus (plot & character): 9 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 9 * "For Now" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.du.edu). It was almost exactly six months ago that I reviewed "Forever," the first story in the Bob and Jeanette Brennan saga. I astutely said it was a good story, expressed a wish that the author would post more stories, and rated it 9.5, 9, 10. I was also pleased as punch that I had recognized Uther Pendragon as the name of the king who established the Round Table on Merlin's advice and who subsequently found his true heir (King Arthur) through the ole sword-in-the-stone test. Since that time, this author has not only reposted a revised version of that story - cleaning up the imperfections and earning a 10, 10, 10 rating; he has also posted six more stories in this series, in addition to a half dozen unrelated stories. At the present time I am going to say that this is the best story in the series; but I think that may be comparable to my daughter's annual statement that "This is my best birthday ever!" which is invariably followed a few months later by "This is the best Christmas ever!" What I mean is that each successive story (a) is excellent itself and (b) makes the whole series better. As I read this story I saw Bob and Jeanette in a completely new setting, and I learned things about them that made sense, but which I had not thought about before. The present story is only indirectly about Bob and Jeanette. It's told through the eyes of Bob's sister, Vi, a bright 16-year-old who wants to be a psychoanalyst some day but who is at the present time overwhelmed with her own problems with her boyfriend. The sexual activity is equally indirect: we infer only what we can learn from Vi's descriptions of Bob and Jeanette, while she listens in the room next door while her hot brother and sister-in-law go at it in his old bedroom. This is an excellent Christmas story. I loved "The Gathering" episode of the Waltons, and this is the sexually explicit version of it - except, of course, that the Brennans are a smaller family and that Bob is Bob's first name rather than the ubiquitous Walton middle name. The interpersonal and family relationships ring true in this story; and even the non-sexual details contribute to the sexuality that Vi observes in Bob and Jeanette. If this author does not have a degree in psychology, I hereby bestow an honorary degree upon him. If you have not read the previous stories in this series, do a favor for yourself or a loved one this Christmas. Log onto DejaNews on the Web (www.dejanews.com) and punch in the search words "alt.sex.stories pendragon." Download all the stories you find there. The ones that begin with "For" are the Bob and Jeanette stories. They'll give you a warm feeling on a cold winter's night. Ratings for "For Now" Athena (technical quality):10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 * "Here Cums Santa Claus" by SueNH. This story centers around the visit of the lovely and vivacious Sue (who looks and acts a lot like me, although she apparently has smaller breasts and nipples that respond slightly more slowly than mine do to gentle caresses) to the mall's Victoria's Secret shop at the end of a long day of Christmas shopping. Two libidinous female employees invite her to join the after hours festivities, at which she will become the Christmas present for the mall's Santa. I guess I shouldn't spoil the suspense - but the supposed impostor is the real Santa himself. (This is where Sue departs a little from reality. Her Santa is not circumcised. He was the last time I made love to him.) Sue has a lot of fun with the story, replacing the typical descriptions of sexual activity with terms and metaphors related to the Christmas season. I checked with my word processor's "find" function, and the word "musky" doesn't appear even once; and the only time "rod" occurs is in the middle of "strode," "produced," and "prodigious" - the latter not in its usual context in a sex story! Instead, the aroma emanating from his cock is "the delicate fragrance of apple blossoms and almonds, with maybe a hint of balsam fir." Santa's rotund cock is deliciously sweet and fruity. And Santa's sweet candy cane drives deeply into Sue's fiery open hearth. The only image I found to limp a little was Santa's offer to let Sue ride his North Pole. Of course, like any depraved a.s.s. writer, Sue skirts the moral issue: what about poor Mrs. Claus, waiting chastely at home at the North Pole with all those tiny but horny little elves? Nevertheless, this story managed to get the vision of Santa's "sugar plum" dancing in my head. This story definitely put me into the spirit of things. You'll have to read the story to find out what Santa said as he rose out of sight. Ratings for "Here Cums Santa Claus" Athena (technical quality):10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 * "Sue Saves Christmas" by Paul LeComte (FA27482@UAFSYSB.UARK.EDU). Two heterosexuals and one lesbian (all geologists) are stranded on Christmas Eve in a Bolivian desert, bemoaning their lack of holiday cheer - when what to their wondering eyes should appear? It's Sue - filling in for Santa Claus. When Sue asks them what they want for Christmas, they all give the same answer; and so they have to share Sue, who doesn't seem to mind it at all. This is a delightful story! Read it with someone you love! Ratings for "Sue Saves Christmas" Athena (technical quality):10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 * "Christmas Presents" by Ruth White. Ray (Rachel) and Jack (Janice) are both computer geeks and crossdressers. Neither is gay; but they discover that when they want to pass as female in public they can minimize risk of exposure by having one (dressed as a male) date the other (dressed as a female). They like one another. As a grammarian, I stated that last sentence carefully. If there were only two persons, I would have said, "They like each other." But actually Ray and Jack like each other; Ray and Janice like each other; and Rachel and Jack like each other. So they like one another, although only two of them are ever present at any one time. Isn't grammar wonderful? As time passes the guys get better at crossdressing and enjoy taking greater risks. They are even more successful as computer geeks and become wealthy. At the annual TV dinner (in San Francisco TV does not stand for television) Jack wins an award as most improved TV while Ray takes first place in the evening gown event. Now at this point, the idea hit me: "Wouldn't it be a great plot if.... "; and that was exactly the plot of the rest of the story. I enjoyed the story even though I thought I knew how it would end. If you want a clue, read the next paragraph. If you don't want a clue and prefer to be surprised by this really creative plot, skip the next paragraph. Clue: Skip this if you want to be surprised. Clue: Think O. Henry. Further clue: If you haven't guessed it yet, think "Gift of the Magi"! If you haven't guessed the plot yet, you're not very familiar with American literature. Read this story; but then you won't be surprised when you read O. Henry's story. End of clue. You can resume reading now. So they make a bet. Each will live as a woman during the following year, and whoever does the best job (as adjudicated by the TV club) will win a vast sum of money and will obtain the services of the loser as a personal maid for a period of one year. For perfectly sensible reasons that are too complex to discuss here, they cancel the bet but continue to live and work as women, and Sally (that is, Walter the doctor) moves in with them as their maid. It would also be too complex to explain why Ray finds himself as a client at the Institute for the Amelioration of Gender Dysphoria. And finally comes the surprise ending. As I have read TG stories, I have learned that crossdressers have problems that we more blasé people hardly even think about. For example, if a guy is dressed like a girl in a bar and gets carded, what does he/she do about the picture and information on the driver's license? And novice male CD's have problems typing with those long fingernails. I have also learned that TG stories are often very creative. I have no urge to become a crossdresser myself or to become sexually involved with one, but I find the ideas in stories like this one to be extremely creative - not _sexually_ stimulating, but very creative and _intellectually_ stimulating. Although this story could benefit from a good proofreading, it is still an exceptionally creative tale. Ratings for "Christmas Presents" Athena (technical quality): 8 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 * "Christmas Break" by Mat Twassel (mmtwassel@aol.com). The man is sitting in his office, watching the consultant finish up her work at the computer. The company makes screen savers, and he doesn't know for sure whether she is testing his in-house version, which contains embedded erotic events . He also can't help thinking about the doorknob in her hotel room and the wonderful things the consultant might do to herself before or after a shower. Eventually, he confronts her on the elevator with a mild sexual innuendo. For the denouement, you'll have to read this delightful story yourself. Ratings for "Christmas Break" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 * "Christmas Tale" by Frank Ashby. Frank and Gladys are hedonists. I know this because instead of going to church on Sunday, they stay at home and fuck; and before the third enfuckment they discuss swinging, and Gladys gets so turned on that she's eager to take it up the ass. By this I don't mean they are irreligious: the church people probably preferred that they stay at home, since they would have been distracted by all that fucking, especially the anal part, and especially if the sermon was boring or the choir was off key. Anyway, Frank and Gladys sponsor a sort of secular version of the Waltons' Homecoming or Gathering or whatever their Christmas special was called. The participants in the reunion are fairly normal people whose value systems and lifestyles differ somewhat from my own. I would say that they are like folks next door, but the folks next door to me go to church every Sunday, and I think they shudder at the very notion of anal sex. The story is big on incest, but it's not the exploitive type of incest that many readers find to be distasteful. The story is told by the participants themselves, as they remember it. There are four different parts, each told from a different perspective; and the details of their stories do not always agree. This is an interesting approach: the same incident can be remembered differently by different people, because nobody sees the whole picture. Each person sees only that part of the scene that could have been seen from his or her perspective, and even that part may be remembered imperfectly because of emotions or subsequent activities. The only minor weakness in the story is that it would have benefited from a good proofreading before going to press. Ratings for "Christmas Tale" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 * "Christmas Carol" by Mark E. Dassad (Ole.Joe@poboxes.com). The narrator is a unintelligent embodiment of high school swine who decides to take an unattractive seventh-grader to a Christmas booze and drugs party so that he can pop her cherry. It turns out that he shares her with a bunch of other guys he hardly knows. The girl doesn't exactly enjoy it, but the guy sure feels good about his contribution to society. If it weren't for the overall illiteracy of this story, it would possibly be a very good story. I don't think many of us would actually recommend gang-rape like this in real life, but the story is a vivid and realistic portrayal of a really shallow lifestyle. If it were clearly written, the story could give us an insight into the mind of a bizarre pervert - like many of those whom we might find in the real world today. It's very difficult to write dialogue in such a way as to make the characters look illiterate without letting the story itself degenerate into benighted stupidity, and this author is not completely successful in his endeavor. Nevertheless, I can't help suspecting that this might be a good story, if it were cleaned up. Ratings for "Christmas Carol" Athena (technical quality): 5 Venus (plot & character): 9 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8 * "Wrapped Attention" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.net). Some people read a story once and then skip it forever after, because they have "already read it." Same with movies, video games, and women they've humped, I suppose. Been there, done that, got the tee-shirt. Occasionally, however, it may be good to revisit the past. This may be especially true if the former sex partner has grown into a more mature lover - I'm speaking hypothetically, of course - or if the author has revised the story. This is a story about the first sexual experience of a young college student, which occurs during Christmas vacation with a man nearly twice her age. Originally the author attempted to describe the activities as comprising a tender scenario, but I felt he slowed things down so far that the events became boring. This author usually writes vibrant, upbeat stories; but this one did not yet have those characteristics. My assumption was that he would return to the drawing board and inject into this story the energetic life that it deserved. If I was going to read a story like this, I wanted it to be interesting and lively as well as tender and meaningful. And behold, during this Christmas season of A.D. 1997, a star appeared in the sky and my prophecy was fulfilled. So the tender lover deflowers his uptight, young sweetheart so carefully and considerately that even the pope's mistress would become orgasmic. This story is still not as good as those in the Bob and Jeanette Brennan series; but few stories are. I might add that anybody who successfully writes a story about an actuary as a sex object deserves a special award! I enjoyed this story very much and strongly recommend it as part of your Christmas reading. By the way, the title contains a pun; but I'll bet you can figure that out yourself! Ratings for "Wrapped Attention" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 -- +--------------' Story submission `-+-' Moderator contact `------------+ | story-submit@qz.little-neck.ny.us | story-admin@qz.little-neck.ny.us | | Archive site +--------------------+------------------+ Newsgroup FAQ |