Message-ID: <6102eli$9712041524@qz.little-neck.ny.us> X-Archived-At: From: cmndr@nym.alias.net (Commander Jameson) X-Good-Total-Length: yes Subject: {ASS} RP Part 08-09 of "The Adventures of Me and Martha Jane" by S.J.R. Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii X-Email: Don't send me e-mail as BCC - it will bounce. Path: qz!not-for-mail Organization: The Committee To Thwart Spam Approved: X-Moderator-Contact: Eli the Bearded X-Story-Submission: X-Original-Message-ID: <34992884.16514989@207.14.113.10XCJ> From: sjr <73233.1411@CompuServe.COM> Date: 24 Mar 1997 13:19:42 GMT -------- **** WARNING **** WARNING **** WARNING **** THIS DOCUMENT IS A SEXUALLY GRAPHIC STORY ABOUT AN INTENSE SEXUAL, EMOTIONAL AND INTELLECTUAL RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN A TEENAGE GIRL AND A YOUNG BOY AND THE COURSE OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP OVER A PERIOD OF 10 YEARS. IT IS A DRAMATIZATION ABOUT REAL PEOPLE AND THEIR CON- FLICT WITH SOCIAL EXPECTATIONS. IF THIS SUBJECTS OFFENDS YOU OR IF SEXUAL LANGUAGE UPSETS YOU, OR IF YOU DON'T WANT THIS MATERIAL SEEN BY UNDER-18 OR OTHERWISE UNQUALIFIED PERSONS, DELETE THIS DOCUMENT. THIS DOCUMENT IS COPYRIGHTED 1994, 1996 BY SJR. SO--HEY, YOU CAN COPY IT BUT YOU CAN'T CHANGE IT OR SELL IT UNLESS I SAY SO. -------------------------------------------------------------------- THE ADVENTURES OF ME AND MARTHA JANE by S.J.R. PART 8A: The week preceding Martha Jane's last weekend of packing before she left her charming apartment near Memphis State was a long, numbing one. As far as I knew, it would be my last chance to spend time with her before she moved to East Memphis under her new stepdad's watchful eye. Although we spoke by telephone briefly during the week and set the schedule for my Saturday visit, there was no mention of what might or might not happen after that weekend. I was too fearful of bringing it up. When Martha Jane arrived in her Chevy (which she still didn't like), I felt distracted and dull. My feeble attempts at appearing cheerful fell flat. When I couldn't think of anything to say I sat humming an aimless tune and looking out the car window, pretending to be engrossed in the passing scenery. At her apartment I dove into the work of packing, working so quickly and efficiently that Martha Jane was left with little more than to stand around and watch. By three o'clock that afternoon I'd packed everything and there was nothing else to do. "Well," she said, forcing a cheerful smile through the tension that had been written on her face since we arrived. She looked around at the boxes stacked along one wall of the living room. "That's that. Good work, cowboy, we finished two hours early." "Yep," I said, knowing that I sounded terse and sullen. But I didn't know what else to do. I walked into the kitchen to wash my hands. "So what's next?" she called from the living room. I sighed. "Can't play records or anything. It's all packed." I stood in the kitchen doorway drying my hands with a paper towel. "Hate to see you give up this place." Martha Jane cleared her throat and said with an air of mystery, "Well, there is one more thing. I don't know what you'll think about this...I mean, it's kinda...silly." I gave her a weak but indulgent smile. "Try me." She blushed and hesitated before starting for the bedroom. "Follow me," she said. She led me into the bedroom and then into the rear bathroom. Her toiletries were still on the floor in two small shoulder bags. She bent over the tub and turned on the water. "First, we need a warm tub..." She adjusted the water flow and then turned to me with a naughty smile. "Can you guess yet?" "Looks an awful lot like a bathtub filling up with water, lady." She winked and wagged a finger. "Not...quite." She reached into one of the shoulder bags and pulled out a package of blue bubble bath powder and held it up to me. "Remember this?" Blood rushed to my head, and to a couple of other places. I smiled, still a little unsure, and reached out for the package of bubble bath. She jumped back playfully. "No, no, that's *my* part. I get to open the package. Your part is to get nekkid first." I squinted. "Is this supposed to remind me of what I think it's supposed to remind me of?" She winked. "Yes. See, I told you it was silly." A sudden and chilling thought passed across my mind but, not wanting to kill the mood for her, I kept the question to myself: did this ritual mean that I was not going to see her again? I unbuttoned my shirt. She came to me with a playful gleam in her eyes and helped me undress, pausing now and then to touch my neck and sides and to help me unzip my jeans. She turned to dump the powder into the water. She watched the blue bubbles expand and rise. When she turned around again, I stood naked in the middle of the room. Seeing me, her eyes lit up and she walked over to me. Her face hovered near mine. As she watched my eyes she trailed her fingers down my tummy and onto the tip of my cock. "Remember this, too?" she whispered. "Hmmm. Yes." "Feel good?" "Yes. Like the first time." "Hmmm. Nasty boy." Her hand continued to graze my now twitching penis. "You have no idea how often I've remembered the first time we did this." She kissed me on one eye and then the other, and whispered near my ear: "And since then, little Speedy has grown into a warm, lovable, sensitive young man. And a wonderful lover." I managed to keep myself from breaking into tears. I resolved that this moment, if it was to be our last intimacy, would be as she wanted it. But my unvoiced questions persisted, and so far my mind was still uneasy on that score. I put a wet, open-lipped kiss on her neck and saw and felt goose- bumps rise on her back and arms. I said, "Hey. The water's ready." "Oh, yeah," she said. She saw that the tub was now half-filled with blue bubbles. "But we're both bigger now and we need a little more than we used to. You go in first." I pointed at myself as if to question "Me?", and she grinned and nodded. I settled into the tub, the bubbles engulfing me with an audible hiss. She began to undress. "Turn it off when the bubbles are high enough." "How high?" "Nose high." "Okay." In a moment she was naked. My cock lurched under the bubbles when I saw her. She was slim and firm; her legs seemed rather long for a woman of her relatively petite stature, an illusion caused by her nineteen-inch waist, the moderately lush flair of her hips and the firm roundness of her tush. Her breasts sloped smoothly and swiftly into rounded globes with pointed, dark pink nipples. Her mound was topped with a fine, curly, almost transparent auburn fuzz that crowned her outthrust smooth- lipped vulva and extended halfway down the length of her prominent slit, which now was only slightly parted. But it was all these bound by a perfection of creamy flesh -- skin so tight and toned that it glistened along her shoulders and hips and upper thighs -- that, and her long- necked grace, gave her body an alluring mixture of woman and girl, harlot and angel. She grinned as she approached the tub and stepped inside. "You hard under those bubbles?" I nodded. "Well," she said, settling into the nose-high foam and facing me, "hold that thought j-u-u-st a little longer." She grabbed the bar of soap and lathered her hands and then reached under the bubbles to stroke my cock with her slippery fingers. "Ah," I gasped. "Good?" "Mmm." "Don't cum, hon." "Aw, no fair." "Shh. I'll just hold it," and she did. "I have something to tell you. New house rules." "Phooey. Rules." "You'll like this one." She lowered her voice to a more serious octave. "From here on out, you're not Speedy anymore." "No?" "No. You're Steven. You don't look like a 'Speedy' anymore. You don't think like him and you don't fuck like him. You don't have a little boy's four-inch dick anymore. You have a fine, perfectly shaped cock with soft dark brown pubic hair in just the right amount and just the right places. And a warm heart, and a good mind, and very handsome eyes. You're Steven now. Is it okay if I never call you Speedy again?" At the end of her little speech I was a blue-bubbled blob of silly mush with a melting heart and a very hard cock. If she asked me to shoot the Pope and steal his name, I would have said yes. I reached for her, and she moved closer to me and let my arms drape over her soft wet shoulders before she said, "Wait, there's more." "Oh. OK. More." "From now on, I'm no longer Martha Jane. I'm Martha. I'm not a teenage doll and not a kitten and not a Southern belle, and I'm twenty- one years old. Not long from now I'll be a professional and I'll dress like a professional, not like a schoolgirl. I want everyone to call me Martha from now on. I'll use that name on my resume's and checks and on everything I sign. And I'll insist on Martha from others. But from you, Steven--I don't want to demand, I want to ask... will you call me Martha from now on?" Too choked up to speak, I nodded slowly and firmly, and then I pulled her into a hug under the bubbles, and she hugged me back. After a moment in this humid, bubbly clinch she tapped me on the back with one finger. "Steven?" "Yes?" "You didn't call me Martha yet." "I will. In a minute." "Call me Martha now. I want to hear you say it." "Well...you have your new rules. I have one, too." "What's that?" "I will call you by that name very soon, in just a little while, when the time is exactly right." "When?" "You'll see. Soon." We soaped and rubbed each other, adding some playful touches and tickles. She said it was the first time she'd had her nipples and cunt soaped by another's hands. Covered with bubbles, we climbed out of the tub. She stayed in the bathroom to powder and finish up, while I turned off all the lights in the apartment so that a soft, late afternoon glow filtered through the curtains. When she entered the bedroom I was sitting on the edge of the bed, my legs under me. She stood a few inches away, fluffing her hair with a towel. She asked, "why are you sitting on the edge of the bed like that?" I said quietly, "C'mere. Stand by the bed," and when she dropped the towel and came to me I pulled her head close and whispered in her ear, "Remember this?" "Remember what?" "The first time I saw you nekkid. The first time you showed how to get you wet." "Oh," she whispered. "Oh. Yes." She backed away one step and spread her feet so that her love-pod was more available. I whispered, "Let me fingerfuck you." As her hands found and squeezed my cock and balls, she opened her legs a little more. Between her smoothly muscled thighs was a small open alcove shaped and sized perfectly for the palm of my hand. I cupped her warm mound, which greeted me with a sliver of slippery moisture along the middle of my palm. She shifted her legs again, allowing me a little more room to slide a tantalizing finger along the slick edges of her firmly-rimmed slit. Leaning into me and lifting a nipple to my lips, she whispered, "Suck my tittie, hon." I kissed, licked, and then she sighed pleasurably as a nipple entered my gently sucking mouth. At my fingers, her slit swelled and opened. Once more she made a fine adjustment with her feet, bending her knees a little to lift her portal upward and toward me. She hissed, "Put it in me. Slow. Slow. Ah." I whispered, "Squeeze my cock. Just a little. Give it a little tug." "Like that?...Mmm. Yes. Wet." Several years earlier when this scene was first enacted, I could hold out for hours. Now, I'd be lucky if I lasted half a minute -- and when she spread precum over my shaft and circled her fingers around me, that interval was seriously shortened. With my free hand I held both of hers motionless at my crotch. "Wait," I whispered. "Not yet." "Not yet?" "Let me fuck you with my finger a minute." She grinned and smoothed a lock of hair from her forehead so she could look down and watch my hand on her. "Okay." For a few minutes that dripped with a seething eroticism I had not seen in her for some time, I gently stroked and primed her clit, pausing now and then to fingerfuck her slowly and deeply and properly, searching her slithery inner walls until I found that rough spot just above the curve lay that lay beyond her portal and which that made her moan and hug my finger. In a while her head drifted back and her eyes closed. She sighed to the ceiling, "Hon, that's so good." I was so turgid I felt I'd need a firearm permit if I got any harder. Soon she leaned against me, murmuring, "My legs are getting weak, it's so good." I whispered, "Lie down." She slid naked into the bed and lay with her arms draped above her head and her thighs spread wide. She smiled languidly. She was wet and open enough to start fucking, and she appeared to think that we were going to do just that. Instead, I lay between her legs and kissed her cunt and inner thighs. Her head fell back and she closed her eyes and whispered happily, "Yes." With one more preparatory smooch on the surface of her cunt, I whispered, "Tell me when you're close." "Okay." "When you're very close." She crooked one knee and let her leg fall to one side. I could see her grinning toward the ceiling with her eyes closed as goosebumps rose on her legs. "Okay." I tongued her delicately. When I found her clit she sighed, arching ever so slightly. Wetly I continued, sometimes full-mouthing her entire mound and then sucking her clit between my tongue and inner lips the way she liked. Her arms reached behind her head and grasped the edge of the headboard. A few minutes later she tightened her grip, her knuckles whitening with the effort, followed by tremors in the stretched tendons of her inner thighs. She was fully open to me then, her clit almost the size and hardness of a thin thimble, her thighs drifting apart until her knees were drawn up with her feet pulled together under my chest. She began whispering heatedly, "Suck it. Right there, yes...Soft, hon. Suck... Yes. Mm, yes." I felt the beginnings of the stiffening and trembling that signaled the onset of her orgasm; I wondered if she'd remember to tell me when she was near. I did not want to remove my tongue to remind her, for I knew she was getting dangerously close. I trusted her to be selfish, to cum whenever and however she pleased. And just as it seemed she might be ready to go over the edge, she lifted her head and looked down at me, gasping, "I'm so close!" Immediately I rose, and the surprise on her face was matched only by the pleased widening of her eyes as I entered her quickly, deeply and smoothly, my eyes on hers. She stared at me with wild-eyed, joyful lust as I began fucking with the slow, steady rhythm I knew she preferred. She slowly whispered, "Fuucck." Then her writhing inner walls began to pulse and contract, and she stiffened, and her eyes narrowed, and her fingers dug into my arms, and she wept softly, "Hon I'm cummin'!", only for her to find, just as her entire body went into its taut muscle-lock of pleasure, that I had just jerked and squirted inside her, and her eyes saw it happening for me and for her at the same time, and she saw and heard me whisper to her, "Martha," and her eyes glazed wetly with pleasure and she sank into the undertow of her long deep cum while I squirted again in her tightening center. I slowed and lengthened my strokes to prolong the pleasure and to savor the full feel of her, another hot and very hard spurt jetting out of me with a force that made me moan, and I crooned to her between my own quickening gasps, "Cum, Martha. Cum." As my ejaculations ebbed, she came out of her climax and settled into the bed with a childlike whimper of surrender and fatigue. Her eyes closed, and she pulled me against her and started breathing again. I kissed her ear and throat and hid my face in her neck while I made three or four last, hungry probes into her, winding down. Feeling her hand push its way between our tummies, I rose slightly to allow her to wring the last of me from my tubes, as she so much liked to do. When she finished I settled onto her, our joined lengths so hot and wet that it felt like immersion in a bubble bath again. We hugged, and breathed, and rested. She purred, "Yes. Oh, yes." We were dressed and it was dark outside. I sat on the bed watch- ing her brush her hair. She looked at my reflection in the dressing table mirror. "Are you staring at me?" she joked. "I'm asking you," I tempted. "Asking me what?" "Martha..." I stopped. "Hmm, that sounded nice. And you sure do know a perfect moment when you see one." "Martha." "ye-e-e-s?" "Will we do this again?" Her brush slowed, and stopped, and a heavy darkness seemed to fall on her. After a moment she said, "Oh, Steven." "I was just asking." She sighed heavily and began brushing again. "Yes. We'll all be at my mommy's wedding next week." Her answer and her dull manner told me the question had upset her, so I dropped the subject. I lay back into the pillow, resting. With my eyes closed, I heard her place the brush on her table, then heard the rustle of her jeans as she walked across the room, then felt the bed slant as she sat beside me and laid her head on my chest. "Steven, the answer to that question is that I want to. But I don't know when. Or how" "You don't have to answer." She held her face over mine and removed the arm I'd draped over my face. Her eyes dug into mine. "Steven, there's something I've wanted to tell you for a very, very long time. And I can't right now, not right now. But I will someday. When the time is right." "Promise?" "Promise." "When?" "Oh, you devil..." She put my arm back over my face and pouted. "I told you, I promise. I keep promises." "Okay." "Don't say okay if you don't mean it." I smirked. "Okay." She sat up on the bed and said, "But I will tell you part of it at the wedding. I just should need time to find the words. Deal?" "Okay." "Really okay?" "Yes." She removed my arm, kissed my forehead, replaced my arm, and rose to get ready to drive me home. I watched as she moved about the place doing her Martha chores and touching her Martha things. I could tell she was hiding some distress from me. I sorely regretted having allowed myself to blurt out my question about us. I resolved I'd never again mention it, would never again bring that shadow into her face. Never again. Her mother's wedding was a festive, crowded, expensive affair, as ornate as Mr. Buchanan's could afford. I attended the ceremony, watching from a front pew in the cathedral while Martha, as a member of the bridal party, stood stiff and uneasy in a pale blue, formal gown. After the ceremony she came to me during the drawn-out handshake ritual on the front steps of the church and confided, "How wasteful and barbaric." She sighed impatiently. "Hundreds of people, tens of thousands of dollars, all these clothes, all this display -- just so a man and woman can sleep together." The huge crowd gathered that evening at the formal dinner and recep- tion at Colonial Country Club. Mr. Buchanan, finally married, showed off his bride and his two stepdaughters. "The three prettiest gals in the whole city of Memphis," he boasted during one of many pre-dinner toasts. During the evening Martha seated me beside her at a long table apart from the one where her sister and mom and stepdad were gathered. I waltzed with her once, both of us blushing as I attempted valiantly to subdue an insistent erection under my rented tuxedo. Time and again as we attempt- ed to chat at our table, we were interrupted by one request after another for Martha's hand on the dance floor. Finally, as the evening's end drew near, she and I moved outside for a quiet stroll among the cherry trees and pines in the gardens behind the reception hall. A faint breeze filtered through the cherry blossoms. I stood near her as she leaned on the low bough of a cherry tree. I said little, distracted by the fear that as long as she was living in Mr. Buchanan's house we would not be free to see each other intimately. "Something's on your mind, isn't it?" she asked, her eyes searching mine. Her voice -- needy, cajoling, seductive -- floated through the sweet spring air and washed over and into me. Her beauty and the perfume from the cherry blossoms and the moonlight worked on me relentlessly. She said, "It's so hard for me to tell you what I wanted to say last week, if you hide from me. It makes me feel I'm here all alone, hon." Falteringly, my own effort at concealment almost choking off my voice, I told her that what I was feeling at that very moment, in that place, would sound strange. "Even a little weird," I said. "Tell me. Let me decide if it's weird or not." After beating around the bush for a while, I haltingly confessed that I wish she'd been my mother. Or my sister. But I guessed I'd have to settle for her being "my friend." Hearing this, her eyes softened and she, too, blushed profusely. "How strange, Steven," she mused. "How so, so strange." Girlishly, diffidently, almost guiltily, she confessed to me: "Hon, I'm shocked to admit this to you, much less to myself. But I wanted to tell you the same thing. I wish you'd been mine, too. My brother. Or even...my son. Isn't that an outrageous, wicked thing to say? Would we have slept together? I don't know. But if I ever had a son, I would want him to be like you." Deathly afraid of revealing more, I fell silent. Deep inside me, my emotions swelled and wanted to shout themselves to the world. I was partially soothed by the sound, somewhere beyond us, of the dinner crowd singing in chorus. Muffled by distance, the sound of their voices sing- ing a plaintive waltz drifted through the trees. The distant voices sang: Last Saturday night I got married. Me and my wife settled down... "It's the last dance," she said. "The bride's choice. My mother chose that song. It's her favorite. Such a sad song. But so pretty." I turned to her, to nod in recognition of the bittersweet lyric. At that moment our eyes met. She smiled sweetly, her eyes looking deeply into mine, poignant and yearning. I asked myself: yearning for what? Had I seen, somewhere within the warm affection in those soft, hazel eyes, an even more meaningful message? Deep inside the glistening pools of the clear whites of her eyes lay something more, something tense, enigmatic, hypnotic. Irene goodnight, Irene goodnight. Goodnight, Irene, Goodnight, Irene, I'll see you in my dreams. "Hon," she whispered reluctantly, "I have to go. The dance is over and they'll be looking for me." Quickly she kissed me on the cheek and hugged me, and then left for the reception hall. I stood paralyzed, watching her disappear among the cherry blossoms. Slowly I strolled to the building, not caring whether my parents spotted me or not. Oblivious to the milling crowd that gath- ered their belongings and prepared to leave, I crossed the vast hall and strolled into the parking lot, hoping for a sight of her as she passed by in the car with her family. Perhaps I'd catch her before she left; so much was left unsaid. Perhaps I'd get up the nerve to say it. But the moment had fled, and Martha was nowhere to be seen. PART 8B: In early June of that year she graduated with honors and a Bachelor's degree in special education. The ceremony was held on a Sunday after- noon. I was staying at my godparent's restaurant in downtown Memphis at the time and was able to get a ride to Memphis State with Aunt Frances, who grumbled about having to make a special trip all the way out there. When we arrived on the main boulevard that bounded the campus, Aunt Frances frowned in bewilderment. "Where are all the people who go to school here?" Looking around, I saw students swarming all around us. I answered, "This whole crowd is students, Aunt Frances." "This is what they wear to school? They don't have to wear uniforms on Sunday?" "Aunt Frances, you don't wear uniforms in college." "The nuns let them go to class with no uniforms?" "Nuns don't teach the classes out here, Aunt Frances." "Oh," she said, her eyes widening even more in shock and confusion. "Which one of these buildings do the nuns live in?" "There aren't any nuns, Aunt Frances. No Nuns!" "Look at the way these boys come to school. Hmp. No ties, no nice shoes. Look, that one boy over there, he's the only one with a tie!" For over forty years she had driven down the same streets to work and Mass and home again, oblivious to growth and changes in other parts of the city; nor could she imagine an educational institution other than the Catholic elementary girls' school she had last attended in 1918. When she dropped me off near the administration building I explained to her how to get back to Central Avenue a few blocks away, a street she knew only because Immaculate Conception Cathedral was located on it, even though this was the first time she had been on that street's ten-mile eastward extension that had been built in the 1940's. I gave up trying to explain college to her. Later, seated in the balcony of the auditorium, I spotted Martha in the procession of students in cap and gown, as well as her mother and Evelyn and another female relative who sat in the audience. I hadn't seen Martha in several weeks; she looked pleased, if not visibly ex- hausted after the crunch of her final exams. When she walked to the podium to accept a special certificate of honor, I wondered how soon she would leave Memphis State, or if she would leave the city altogether. At the end of the ceremony I found her in the audience and traded niceties with her relatives. She offered to give me a ride back to my Aunt Fran- ces' place downtown, which I gladly accepted -- although, as she drove me in her Chevy, I found I was holding back so much of what I really wanted to say that I said little. Whether or not she noticed this, I didn't know. She seemed limp, glad that it was finally over. So far, she'd heard nothing from her applications for graduate aid. Arriving at the restaurant on Calhoun Street, she smiled tiredly and thanked me for showing up at her graduation. I tried to be as cheerful as I could. As I got out of the car she said, "Wait a minute! Don't you dare leave me without a hug!" She got out of the car and met me on the driver's side, where she threw her arms around me and gave me a close, long, moaning hug. "We'll get together soon," she said. "At last, I'll have some free time." From the street we saw my relatives inside the restaurant -- Aunt Frances and Mama Rose and a couple of visiting aunts. They waved at us through the restaurant's front window. We waved too, and as Martha got back into her car she blew me a kiss and a sympathetic smile: "Don't let 'em drive you crazy, hon!" Then she drove away, leaving me feeling rather lonely but knowing that she was leaving temporarily, and that she was headed for a well-deserved rest. A few weeks later I was again spending Saturday afternoon at the Tremont Cafe. I was completely unprepared for her excited phone call. "I don't believe it!" she squealed excitedly over the line. "Steven, I don't believe it! It came in the mail, just this afternoon! Columbia! Columbia University in New York! I don't believe it! New York City!" I don't remember the rest of the telephone call. She had been award- ed a scholarship and a graduate teaching assistantship at Columbia. She had not expected it, and I even recalled her saying when she mailed her application months earlier that she doubted anything would come of it. It was another week before she picked me up at the Tremont to spend Sunday afternoon with her. She drove into the county and into Shelby State Park, where we parked her Chevrolet in the tourist's lot and went for a stroll deep into the woods of the park. I was familiar with the area through my brief tour with the Boy Scouts at St. Michael's School. We were both rather subdued, but glad to see each other. For some time I did not ask the big question, but I finally summoned up the nerve to do so as we rested on the grass atop a heavily forested hill and snacked on some cold fried chicken I had brought along from the Tremont. "So when will you be leaving for New York?" She smiled at me warmly, touching my cheek and then squeezing my arm. "I don't really know, Steven, but it will have to be soon. Very soon. You have no idea, the confrontations I had with Mr. Buchanan. It happened just yesterday, when I told him I was going to leave home to take the assistantship. It was almost a shouting match. He got down to saying: how *could* you move to New York when you have a home right here in Memphis and an obligation to marry and keep the family going?" I turned away, toward the distant valley. I had no idea she would meet with such resistance from her stepdad. It made the distance from my own family seem secondary, at least for the time being. She went on. "He's dead set against my leaving. Especially to big, bad New York. You know how people are in Memphis, they think Memphis is the whole world, the only possible choice. Why would anyone dare run off to another city, when everything one could ever need is right here in good ol' Memphis?" "But you can't give it up. It's what you worked for. You earned it. You broke your back for it." "He treated me as if I were some kind of ungrateful beauty queen. I even offered to give back the Chevrolet. I never wanted it that much in the first place -- I always knew that damn car would be symbolic of trouble sooner or later." "So, will you give it back?" "He won't let me. Can you believe it? He wants me to keep it. He thinks he can buy me with it. He thinks that car would be as important to me as it is to him." She lowered her face and set her jaw firmly. "But it won't work. I found a friend who can sell it for whatever cash we can get. And I'll need it in a place like New York. I haven't saved a dime and Mr. Buchanan certainly isn't going to help me out. Mother offered to wheedle something out of him, but I won't let her. I know it sounds crazy, but I still want to do this on my own." She stopped and looked at me. Her hazel eyes were sisterly and knowing. "You don't want me to go, do you?" "I never said that." "Steven, I know you never said it, but..." She looked down and fingered a fallen leaf. "It's just as sudden for me as it must be for you." She looked up at me. "It's not forever." "Not forever?" "Only for a Master's. Only two years. I'll be teaching and working, so there won't be any crash course this time. It'll take me the full two years to get through it. So...it really won't be that long. Besides -- you'll find a girlfriend, you know. You'll forget all about me." I gave a low, wry laugh. "Right." "You will, Steven. You're becoming a very accomplished young man. You'll be in high school then, your social life will have changed. And you'll be older and taller. You'll be different. So very different by then." "And you'll find somebody, too," I said, avoiding her gaze. She sighed and shook her head and looked out over the bucolic scene before us. "I don't know, hon. I don't think so. I'm not planning on it. All I'm planning on is all the hard work I'll have ahead of me. Graduate school at a first-rate place like Columbia is no pushover. It's no picnic at all, from what I hear." She looked back at me, apparently to check my reaction to her words. I shrugged and laughed it off. I played with a long blade of grass that I pulled from the ground. "So," she insisted, "how do you really feel, Steven?" "It's yours," I answered stoically. "You worked for it. You should have it." She searched my eyes and then smiled wanly, looking away. "All right, if that's really what you wanted to say. You're unnecessarily brave about this." "How?" I asked. "Oh, I don't know. I expected something else from you. Maybe some- thing poetic. Or even angry. But you don't reveal much about yourself the way you used to. Do you really feel so noble and sure of yourself ..or are you just accepting it for my benefit?" I considered my answer quickly, but carefully. I wondered if she could tell that my reply didn't exactly match my feelings. I lied: "I am this noble. I am this sure of myself." Then I partly told the truth: "And I am doing it for your benefit." She smiled. Broadly. Lovingly. She put her hand on my arm and squeezed. "Thank you, Steven. Thank you for that." As we left the park and headed back to the city and the Tremont Cafe, I felt her and everything about her slipping away. My anxiety welled so violently, and I concealed it with such difficulty, that my chest and head felt physically crushed. I gazed blindly out the open window on my side of the car, afraid that if I exposed my face to her she would know everything I felt and thought. The world that passed my view at fifty miles per hour on the highway seemed to be little more than a rush of strange, alien objects that threatened to swallow me up and smother me at any moment. I was torn between needing her and letting her go to claim what was rightfully hers. And I was afraid that any open expression of my fear and helplessness would be an affront to her, would reveal that I really and truly was only thirteen years old and that I would not know what to do without her. She didn't say much. She drove with her eyes leveled straight ahead on the highway. I wanted desperately to hold her. Then it hit me that not only was Martha on her way out of my life, but all of the places where we could have been alone and unseen had already vanished. The Lauderdale Courts was gone, her apartment was gone. I knew of no place where we could be together. I harried myself with worry over what she would think if I asked her if we could go somewhere and be together again. Would she feel that I were attempting to hold her back? In the past, we had not always had sex when we met; in the past I felt assured that it would happen again, later, when the opportunity arose. Now, suddenly, I realized that "later" was not going to happen. I shuffled in my seat, folding my arms tightly before me in an effort to appear only mildly affected -- which, of course, I soon realized only revealed the storm inside me. It was a strange effect, to be able to stand so far away from myself and observe with embarrassment how I moved and spoke and appeared. It was something that happened to me more often and was becoming a modus operandi that left me feeling extremely uncom- fortable about myself. Eventually I asked with great effort, "Will I be able to see you again...before you leave?" To my surprise, she smiled wickedly. "You mean...you wanna try to get together somewhere?" "Yeah." She smirked. "I was wondering how long I'd have to wait for you to ask first. Well...I'll see if I can arrange something." A few days later she called and told me that she would be leaving in two weeks. She would leave by train and move to New York. She had a college girlfriend who lived there and who would help her get settled. Going by airplane would be faster but much more expensive; the cheaper train fare and the cash from the sale of her Chevy would have to suffice until money from her award at Columbia materialized in the fall. She relayed all this information as though it were secondary -- or perhaps too unpleasant to contemplate at the moment. Quickly she changed the subject and told me that all her college friends had left Memphis for the summer, so she knew of no one's apartment where we could hide out for a day. And it wouldn't be possible for us to spend an entire night to- gether: neither of us could think of a good excuse for my being out all night that would be acceptable to my parents or hers. So she would rent a room in a new Holiday Inn motel in southeast Memphis on Airways Boulevard in a part of town our acquaintances never frequented, and where not even her car in a motel parking lot would be recognized. She picked me up on a Saturday afternoon at the Tremont Cafe. I didn't tell my parents about it; my isolation from them had intensified to the point where a few mumbled words at the breakfast table during the week were all that transpired between us. But I did tell my Aunt Frances and Mama Rose and the others at the restaurant that Martha and I were going on a picnic in Riverside Park and then to the movies, and that we wouldn't return until later that evening. I slipped into her car and we both smiled and waved at onlookers in the restaurant's front window, then pulled away and headed for Airways Boulevard. For a few blocks I didn't speak. "What's wrong?" she asked. "You're so quiet." She winked. "Afraid we'll get caught?" "Oh, nothing," I murmured dully. For the first time in my relation- ship with her, I actually felt we were being deceptive and sneaky. In the past, our getting together had somehow seemed like a naturally occur- ring event, like occasional rain or a change of season. I told her, "More and more, I'm leading a secret life that no one knows anything about." "Steven," she said seriously, watching the road as she made the wide turn into busy Airways Boulevard, "I've been doing that with my folks for a very long time." She sighed heavily as she pressed the accelerator and merged with traffic on the road that widened into the highway to Birming- ham. "I haven't had time to worry if it was the right thing to do, or not. But if I were to stay sane...it was necessary. It's not me, and it's not you. It's the world." Soon the homes and businesses along the busy highway thinned out. We passed the airport area and then the wide expanse of land occupied by the outdoor drive-in theater district. Beyond that point, I was in a totally unfamiliar part of town. When we pulled into the parking lot of the huge Holiday Inn, I felt lost and shaky. She and I had always been alone in familiar, secluded, cozy places; the building I saw in front of me was impersonal, massive, and coldly public in the hard midday June sun. She pulled into a parking space in the lot behind the building, shut down the engine and turned to me. She laughed. "You look scared to death." "I'm not," I lied. "Is this place okay? I realize it's not like home--" "Yes," I said, opening my door and moving out bravely. "Let's go." Our room on the second floor was neat and spacious. It smelled of cleaning fluid. It was so meticulously color-coordinated in dark browns and burnt orange that it seemed almost monochrome. Martha closed and double-locked the door behind us and motioned toward the wide bed. "Have a seat," she said. "Try it out." As I sat on the firm bed she yanked on the cord of the halfway-open drapes and pulled them shut, closing us off in a square white-walled room that was now dimly lit only by remnants of sunlight seeping around the edges of the floor-length drapes. I had a paper bag of snacks and Cokes on my lap. I reached over to the nearby chair and placed the bag there while Martha removed the small overnight bag from around her shoulder and placed it on the desk near the wall. Sitting next to me on the bed, she caught her breath and pushed a few stray locks of hair from her face. "Well," she breathed. "It's a little antiseptic." "I could get used to it." She shivered and rubbed her bare arm. "Let's turn down that air conditioner before we both become frozen peas in here." I got up and then knelt at the air conditioner, found the controls in the dim light and turned the temperature and the fan halfway down. Standing, I turned to see her sitting on the bed and looking about the place warily. Her discomfort appeared to be similar to mine. As I watched her she looked in my direction, caught me eyeing her, and smiled apologetically. I smiled back. "Anyway...it's quiet. Just feels a little strange." "A little sleazy?" she asked jokingly. "What do you say we take a shower and rinse off all this summer sweat? It was so muggy in that car, I'm all clammy." In the big reverberant bathroom we ran steaming water in the shower and got undressed, eyeing each other with a growing sense of intimacy and anticipation. The discomforts of the place and the room were soon dis- placed by our grinning and tittering and our bumping against each other under the water. We unwrapped the little bar of hotel soap and swathed each other provocatively, Martha closing her eyes and moaning as I caressed her hardening nipples with my sudsy fingertips. She toweled off quickly, and while I dried myself she went into the main room. When I shut the light and left the bathroom I saw that she had lit a cigarette and was sitting on the bed against the headboard, her knees drawn up to her chest and her arms around her slender, shiny shins. Naked, she seemed daintily trim and diminutive, her firm breasts jiggling as I got into the bed. She exhaled a thin stream of gray smoke and gave me a sly smile. I smiled back. Before me, between her thighs and half-hidden behind her calves, was the smoothly domed swell of her furrowed conch, sparsely fuzzed with tiny auburn cilia, the rims of her narrow slit just beginning to glisten with her dew. Its primal, she- animal character presented itself in impudent contrast to the statuesque elegance of the rest of her. PART 8C: She indulged in her cigarette, her voice throaty, secretive, con- spiratorial. "This is beginning to feel very naughty," she said. "All those people driving by," I said, joining in her mood, "not knowing we're nekkid." "Yeah," she breathed, pleased. She took another puff. "After today, you'll have to go to confession." "I don't go to confession. I just pretend I do." "Don't you feel strange about that?" "A little. But it's what I have to do." "It's a sin," she said, testing me. "Only for everyone else." "This...is a sin," she announced, a little amused. She reached over to the ashtray and slowly, carefully, mashed the cigarette several times against the glass until it was completely extinguished. "It's the major, most unacceptable, most outrageous...most delicious sin." "Can I have one of those?" I asked mischievously. "One of what?" she asked, settling against the headboard. "One of those," I said, motioning my head at the ash tray. "Don't you dare. It's an awful habit. One of my few vices. I'm not lazy, I'm not narrow-minded, I'm not hateful. I don't rob anyone, I don't kill anyone, I don't hate anyone. I'm not a racist, not a bigot. But I do smoke. And I'm a hypocrite. And deep inside, I'm ruthless." I asked, surprised, thinking she was joking, "You are?" "Yes. I am. I have such a sweet, innocent, kitten-like look. Mr. Buchanan thinks that Evelyn and I are both virgins. Saints. But Evelyn fucks. And I fuck." She looked at me, expressionless, studying me. I gave an embarrassed laugh. "That's not so sinful." "Oh, it is. It's a sin because I like it so much. You can't like something that much without it being a sin. It's so difficult to let someone else know how much I like it. It's so good with you, but even with you sometimes...I get a little scared of myself, it's so good and so...unexpected. Sometimes, hon, it's so much of a strain on me. Really. It's not always so easy to let you know that about me. I am a terrible sinner when I'm nekkid with you." "Really? After all we've done?" "Yes." She suddenly and playfully hid her eyes with one hand. "Oh, I can't believe this. Why am I so embarrassed? It's like telling you about my period. It's so silly." I paused. "Is that the secret that you wanted to tell me about? That you think this is a sin?" "No, hon, no. My big secret is something else, and I can't tell you that now." She uncovered her eyes and with a coy smile she leaned her head on her knees, smiling at me indulgently. "But I will tell you one day, don't worry." "Okay," I said, disappointed. "Do you think this is a sin?" "Yes. Sort of." "Sort of?" "Well...only because everyone else says it is." "Yes...I know what you mean." She dropped into deep thought for a moment. She rubbed her leg and then her voice shrank into that of a hesitant little girl. "Hon...do you like sinning with me?" "Yes. That makes me as big a sinner as you are." "Then there's no hope for us," she said, grinning slyly and lowering her legs, stretching out and lying naked and open. "Sin with me," she crooned. "Lick me." As I moved over her and bent to kiss her firm inner thighs she looked down. Fastidiously, she brushed her pubic curls aside and gently parted her cuntlips for me. "Lick me, hon." Gradually she became almost uncontrollably licentious, whispering and rasping lewdly and with an abandon I hadn't seen since our nights in the Lauderdale Courts. I have no idea what incited this effusion of raw lust; I could only guess that, like me, she was grasping at something that would soon end. She seemed to have somehow reached back to her six- teenth or seventeenth years, when it was all new and unimpaired by change or necessity. I realized that I was not the only one in that room who felt afraid and threatened. As I mouthed her cunt she moved my body around so that my knees straddled her head and my cock fit easily into her mouth. She sucked me slowly and lecherously, her hips jerking now and then when I sucked her clit. Soon I rose and stretched over her, entered deeply, and fucked in long deep strokes. Her head raised and resting against the headboard, she grinned and watched me fuck her. Soon she stiffened and climaxed, wrenching her head back and to one side. She finished with a lurch of her hips, gasping and sighing, "Fuck...oh, fuck." Raising her knees, she reached between us to touch my shaft and feel the spurts hurtling into her. She watched with salacious glee while I finished cumming. We napped, waking in mid-afternoon. Whispering sultrily she leaned over me and quickly jerked me off, entreating me as I came, "C'mon, hon. C'mon. Ah. Those hot little squirts. Yes." We rested again and then drove to the Howard Johnson's down the street and ate like cave people, giggling and spilling things. Martha would grin and say something stupid like "Pass me the salt, hon -- " and then lean close to me over the table and whisper laughingly, "-- and squirt on my tits!" We squealed and sniggered and I would reply with something like "Cum on my ear," which threw her into a squirming fit. She said, "Mr. Buchanan would have a stroke. Haha, Evelyn would have a stroke. The walls of the First Baptist Church of Memphis would come tumblin' down, and the doors of the temple would be rent asunder." We returned to the room. Dusk found us sinning and lusting like animals, me licking her slowly, her spread thighs taut and trembling as I made her cum, and then we fucked and I made her cum again, then again. Each orgasm for her was deeper, harder, more paralyzing than the one before. Each time she would clench my shoulders and with her lips near my ear she would moan, "Again. Again, Steven. Fuck." Until finally her fourth cum was a long pleasure-drenched struggle, and when it finally arrived I felt my own orgasm creep slowly from my strained back and then into the tip of my cock, on whose length her clinging cunt fed greedily and invoked yet another hot jet from my balls. I yelled and then groaned, straining on outstretched arms and quaking knees, as I watched her long body writhe in ecstatic lust with our last prolonged, exhaust- ing, excruciating release. For almost an hour afterward, we held each other silently. I lay on her for a while, then rolled over and lay with her head on my shoulder. Soon we changed positions again, me lying on her breast before we curled up spoon-style. At one point she sat up, leaned back against her pillow, and lit a cigarette. I watched her inhale and then slowly exhale. After a moment she whispered, "Steven." I looked at her and waited. She paused and took another puff. She shook her head no, once. She whispered, "Nothing." Finally, it was time to dress and leave. She drove me back to my Mama Rose's house. We arrived at eleven, an hour after the Tremont had closed. "You be good to your Mama Rose," Martha told me from her car window. "she's so sweet." "I'll come to Union Station next Saturday and see you off." "You don't have to," she said quietly. "You sure?" "I'll be there," I said, winking -- not knowing if I were really up to it, but letting her think I believed I was. She winked back. Unsmiling, she stepped on the gas. She and the car raced down the street and grew smaller. I stood on the curb and watched, wondering what the hell I was going to do. Of all the weeks Martha and I had spent apart, that week of waiting for her departure was the longest that I remember. The only memory I have of that week was of standing in our front yard one sultry afternoon with the cloying humidity hanging in the air as I stared into the vast suburban sameness around me. As in an underexposed, bleached-out still photograph, nothing seemed distinct. Nothing moved. But I felt the earth move; and I felt time move, slowly and relentlessly. During breakfast on Friday morning my mother told me, "This coming weekend will be the last week for you to have nothing to do while school's out. Your daddy wants you to work at the grocery during the week, starting Monday." "You have to learn the value of a dollar," my stepdad grunted as he came to the table for his coffee. He took a quick sip and then bent over to tie his shoes. "Learn about runnin' a business," he went on. "Sackin' groceries. Trim the produce. Then we'll get you on the big bikes with the delivery crew, and you can make some money. Ten cents for every order you deliver in the Lauderdale Courts. The work ain't that hard, but it'll help put some muscle on you, get you out in the sunshine and the open air." I mentioned that a new play was going to start soon at St. Michael's and that I had been assigned a role. I would have to leave the store by five to get a bus in time for rehearsals. Unfazed, he continued. "That school dramatics crap will just have to wait. The store stays open 'til seven during the week and 'til nine on Saturday. So your games at school can wait until September." "...Yessir." "You just tell them at school that you're sorry, but your time belongs to the Liberty Cash Grocery Number 23 until school starts again." "Yessir." "That dramatics shit is a lot of foolin' around anyway." "Yessir." "The money you earn will be yours. I'll keep it in a checkin' account for you, at Union Planters, just like a regular checkin' account. I'll keep tabs on it. You can spend it, but get somethin' you need and can use at school. Don't spend it on crap." "Yessir." The conversation ended. It was perhaps one of the longest exchanges I'd had with my parents in several months. For the rest of the day I moped in my room. Near dusk I drove my squeaky kid-sized bicycle to Gaisman Park. The bike was an undersized blue machine that Aunt Frances had given me for Christmas when I was nine years old. The thought that I'd be able to earn my own money for a sparkling new bike was a comfort, at least. At thirteen, going on fourteen, I needed more mobility; for the time being I was limited to city buses and my own two feet. The idea of buying a full-sized bike gave me something to look forward to. And, hopefully, a few months of hard work at the supermarket in my old neigh- borhood would get me back into the heart of the city and give me some- thing to think about other than Martha's absence. By sunset I returned home and told Mom I didn't want dinner. I boarded a bus and made the long trip into old Memphis and the home of my Mama Rose and Daddy Joe Ricci, my deceased father's parents. Usually I alternated my weekends between them or Aunt Francis and Uncle Johnny. Being with my grandparents was more subdued and folksy than weekends spent with my disoriented Aunt Frances and my tired and ailing but affec- tionate Uncle Johnny. The Ricci's lived in a newer home, a tidy 1920's brick duplex occupied on one side by my grandparents and on the other by their daughter, my Aunt Baby Sister, so called to distinguish her from several other Aunt Catherines in the clan. The Ricci's kept a living ar- rangement that even in my youth I considered unusual. My Uncle Johnny and Aunt Frances, with all the extra space they had in their big old Victorian home, slept together in the same room and the same bed; but Daddy Joe and Mama Rose, in their smaller duplex, kept separate rooms. Mama Rose's room was in the middle of the long hallway that led through their side of the duplex. Behind her room was the bedroom that once belonged to my Uncle Frank and my father. Frank was never around, having used his GI bill to get through Vanderbilt University in Nashville, after which he landed a job with a local bank and found an apartment elsewhere in Memphis with his recent bride, my glamorous and vivacious Aunt Leigh. Behind Frank's room, at the far end of the hall, was the small add-on that was Daddy Joe's solitary room. Gentle, submissive and soft-spoken, Mama Rose would greet me from the front door of their corner house when I got off the bus across the street. Watching the street carefully in both directions, she would wear a frown of concern until I safely crossed the six lanes of busy Peabody Street, and then she would smile her warm motherly smile as I strode up the front steps and onto their little brick-walled, plant-lined front porch. Like her older sisters, My Aunt Frances and my sister's godmother Aunt Mary, Mama Rose had a squeaky voice: but hers was a small, serene one that matched her manner and her diminutive size. Like my deceased father, she had black hair; but her caring, madonna-like eyes were a bright blue that could be seen across a room. There was a quiet joy in her whenever she greeted me and led me into the kitchen for a bowl of cereal or some milk and cookies. When I entreated her to not go through trouble on my behalf, she would insist on waiting upon me, circling about the kitchen with her weak little walk and her bad back, looking far older than her fifty-odd years as if some great weight had attached itself to her petite frame at some point in the past. Always, there was a sweet remark about how I looked just like my daddy, Steven Senior. Always. And always she would at some point confuse me with her son Frank, whom I also resembled. And almost always she would at some point call me Steven instead of her favorite nickname Butch (and where she came up with Butch, I'll never know. She was the only person who called me by that name instead of by Speedy). And always, at some point, she would call me Frank, then give a shy little laugh and apologize, saying, "Oh, I mean Butch. I'm so sorry, sweetheart. Did you hear me say Frank? Wasn't that silly?" After I snacked I would ask about Daddy Joe, and a shadow would fall over her face--a quick and barely visible flash of something sad and lonely in her--and she would recover and say, "Oh, he's back there in his 'man's room', where he always is. You go see him, and then we have to get to sleep and go to the Tremont in the morning. Go on, go see him. You know he loves you, Butch. He always wants to see you. You go on and I'll clean up in here." At the end of the long unlit hallway, Daddy Joe was in his room. He was a short, kindly but fidgety man who spoke and moved suddenly, jerkily and unpredictably. I had a strange liking for him; not the same warm and comfy affection I had for the saintly Mama Rose--but an affection mixed with a wariness of his nervous style and his occasionally bitter cynicism that seemed to underlay his reactions to everything and everyone around him. As usual, he sat in the small, chilly room with the windows wide open, he in his worn, heavy brown leather chair with his short legs propped on a matching footstool. He held a pipe in one hand, a National Geographic magazine and a newspaper in his lap. Around him were his man's trophies that graced the walls of his man's room: an oversized 1948 calendar with color photos of legendary racehorses like Citation and Sea Biscuit; a yellowed, framed, original copy of the announcement of the Wall Street crash in the New York Herald; over three decades' worth of the National Geographic; old copies of the Wall Street Journal; an ancient telegraph set from the Frisco Railroad, where he worked for many years as a youth; a battered dumbbell with two heavy, rusting weights; a photograph of Charles Atlas tugging a subway car in the 1930's; and portraits of Theodore and Franklin Roosevelt. He would greet me with a big grin and a coarse but chummy "Aaaaa!", a kind of gruffly playful reproach accompanied by a firm ruffling of my hair and a pinch on my ear. Then a quick hug, his red cheeks always scratchy and tickly against mine. And then questions: how was I? Would I grow any taller? What was I doing in school? And always, regardless of my answers, a waggish "Aaaaa!" as he unexpectedly rose from his chair and ruffled my hair again. I never quite knew when he was going to jump up and pull that frolic on me. Our conversations were more like an effort on my part to find out who he really was, while he remained roguishly elusive. I mentioned that I had received a birthday card from my Uncle Frank and he asked, "Yeah? You ever see your Uncle Frank?". I answered no, and he dismissed it with a wave of his hand and a gruff, "Ha! Your Uncle Frank. To hell with him, Speedy-boy. Right? Never comes to see *ME*! Huh, SPeedy-boy? Sonofabitch." As usual, he immediately changed the subject and asked about my Mom. I said my mother and daddy were doing well, and he muttered, "Your 'daddy'. Hmp. Your daddy's dead," a frequent remark to which I never had a reply, and he would growl "Aaaa!" and ruffle my hair again and then confound me by cheerfully asking if Mama Rose had fed me well when I came in. "Your Mama Rose is sweet on you, Speedy-boy. You're her boy, you know that? She's sweet, your Mama Rose." This meandering and inconclusive conversation seldom varied. Neither did it last very long, as Daddy Joe would want to spend some time going over the stock quotations in the newspaper. He would preface this by again mentioning his plans for the day when he hoped to retire from the liquor business, cash in his stocks and move to Hot Springs, Arkansas, where he would play the horses all day and "live like a white man." He sent me back into the caring hands and motherly smiles of Mama Rose, who laid out my pajamas and turned back the bedspread in Uncle Frank's room, and tucked me in with a peck on the cheek and a little sing-song about, "Oh, I love my little Butch, just like your daddy Steven." And after the lights went out I would be in that room alone with my father's ghost and the relics of my mysterious, long-absent Uncle Frank. I often wondered, if either of them had been around, how I would talk to them and what they would advise me about my situation. How would they, grown and apparently sane men, handle it? Why were they always gone? What were they really like? Was I like them? Would I be able to tell them about Martha? Certainly, despite their affection, neither Mama Rose nor Daddy Joe nor anyone else could be someone I trusted with the story of me and Martha Jane, whom I now called Martha but whom I still pictured as the original Martha Jane, and who would be leaving the next day. PART 8D: Perhaps, when I awoke groggily at my Mama Rose's house that Saturday morning, July 2, 1955, I had been dreaming of my father while asleep in that room. I had little else to hold before me as a model of what I might do and how I might behave when I went to Union Station later that day to say goodbye to Martha. I wondered how Steven Senior might handle it: he was a hero, a winner of the Air Medal, two Purple Hearts and the Silver Star. He had faced the terror of war with the Nazis twenty-two times. He had readily attempted to hold together a B-17 landing gear with little more than his bare hands. If he could do that, then as his son I could certainly hold my own at Union Station. I rode to the Tremont Cafe with Mama Rose and ate a big breakfast there. I left just before eleven o'clock and walked two blocks to Union Station. It was a gaudy Romanesque building of massive proportions, a relic of the Gilded Age, with a vast main lobby graced with chandeliers clustered, gigantic warm-white globes. The atmosphere was so much quieter than I would have thought; I expected a noisily milling crowd and a rush of people in all directions. Instead, all was quiet and sedate, with few people waiting on the long rows of curved mahogany benches. Martha sat in a pleated black skirt and white blouse near the newsstand in the center of the lobby. She was reading a magazine. At the sound of my footsteps she looked up and smiled, put her magazine aside, and rose to meet me halfway. She gave me a long warm hug. She whispered a happy "Hi, hon." And I almost cried. But I showed little of it. Heros didn't cry. The sons of Silver Star winners didn't cry. In the movies, neither William Holden nor Bogart did that sort of thing. Evelyn was there, and another girlfriend whom I didn't know but whom they introduced as Tasha. So I was unable to say much of what I wanted to say--and at any rate, I doubt I would have said anything anyway. Martha told me she had sold her car. When she told Mr. Buchanan about it before leaving, he had been bitter and unrelenting. There had been some angry shouting. He would support her in Memphis, but not in New York. New York was golgatha, sin city, filled with queers and commies and perverts. If she wanted to teach, she could teach just as well in Memphis and then find herself a husband and raise a good Christian family. Everybody in New York was a drug addict, the mafia owned everything, and anyone who wasn't a mobster was a Puerto Rican, a wetback or a Jew. Even staid Evelyn, who now sat waiting unhappily with Martha and her friend in the station, thought her stepdad's ravings were little more than strident hysteria, and certainly she thought New York could not be nearly so awful. My concern for my own problems vanished when I noticed that Martha herself, keeping up a good front of cheer and optimism about claiming her future, sat holding my hand hidden from the others in the folds of her pleated skirt. She held on tightly, almost frantically. Again and again she gave my hand a tight squeeze, and now and then she would rub her thumb nervously and firmly across my knuckles. At first I thought she was doing it for my comfort; after a while I could sense the tension throughout her body. But others were present, and there was little I dared to say, even in a whisper, lest they notice. At one point Evelyn mentioned that the announcement for the train's departure would be heard soon, and she and their friend jaunted off to the ladies' room. I sat with Martha and looked around at the vast railroad station that I knew so well and where I had spent so many weekends roaming and playing. Those weekends were followed by a trip back home to the Lauderdale Courts, where Martha lived next door. "Steven, I'm scared," I heard her say beside me. I turned to find her looking down at my hand, which she grasped and rubbed nervously. "I'm really scared. I didn't think I would be this scared. I can't have my father here -- He's long gone. It's been so long since he died. I know Mr. Buchanan was spouting nonsense and superstition. I mever thought he'd explode that way. I sometimes think I understand why he dislikes what I'm doing...but I had no idea he would hate me so much. It scares me, somehow. I can't even let Evelyn see, she's so strong and so successful and she fits in so well. But even Evelyn had to lie to him about coming here with me. He thinks she's at her office. It scares me. I don't know why." I whispered, levelheaded and all grown up. "I'm not scared." She looked up at me with thankful, loving eyes. I said, "I'm proud of you. You earned this. You deserve it. And after you leave here today, you'll be in a place where you can be your- self. Mr. Buchanan won't be around to make you feel like a criminal for being yourself." Her eyes shuttled quickly to one side and she whispered, "Evelyn and Tasha are coming back." She gave my arm an extra squeeze and, looking down, she sent me a secret smile. "Thank you, hon." Within five minutes the cathedral-like walls rang out with the echoes of the departure announcement. Groaning and sighing, Martha and Evelyn and Tasha grabbed the baggage and we all walked to the departure gate at one end of the lobby. Before us the trains waited noisily, hissing and steaming and whistling. It was near the end of the era of the long pas- senger railroads, and the line of Pullmans was not as long as I remem- bered from a few years earlier. But the black porters were still there, smiling and polite and spry, asking "Can I see your tickets, please ma'am? Here ya go, Miss, the porter'll take those bags for you, ma'am. George, these are for car 4111." It was still the age of tipping caps and friendly smiles. We walked together to the start of the waiting platform, where the sun blazed down on us in the open air. Beyond that point, only ticketed passengers could venture down the platform walkway. "'Bye, sister," Evelyn whispered tearfully as she gave Martha a close and affectionate hug. Then her girlfriend took her hand and looked in her eyes and tried bravely to smile, saying "Martha...", only to break up angrily and sob, "I'm gonna miss the hell outta you!" They clutched each other and Martha whispered something in Tasha's ear I couldn't hear above the hissing steam of the waiting trains. In response, Tasha nodded and stepped back. Then Martha came over to me with a courageous smile and reached out for me to come to her for a hug. I went to her and she grabbed me like a big watermelon and almost lifted me off my feet. I felt certain there was no danger at all that Martha would cry, but I still wondered if I could hold myself together so well. I was barely taller than she; her lips, as usual when we embraced, were just below my ear. She laughed and whispered, "I won't cry if you won't." "I won't," I said. And then, her face on my shoulder, she started crying. Almost in terror, I wondered if the others noticed. They had, but not in the manner I feared; Evelyn gave a sad little smile and said something to the other girl and pointed to me, as if explaining about me and Martha. Reading her lips, I saw Evelyn mouth the words "grew up together", and the other girl nodded as if she understood. That, at least, is how their conversation appeared to me. But my concern was about Martha's crying. With a deep breath and a sudden straightening, she stepped back and wiped one eye hastily with a bare hand. "Damn, I didn't think I would do this." I gave her a kiss on the cheek, and a gentle smile that said it was okay. "You behave, cowboy. And write to me." She kissed my cheek quickly and turned away. Unstopping, undaunted, she smiled and waved to the others and made her way down the length of the train. Two or three times she turned as she walked, one time shouting to us, "You people write to me, or I'll come back!" The other girl shouted back, "Watch out for those New York taxi drivers!" For a brief time I watched as she grew smaller on the path down the line of Pullmans. I did not want to see the rest of it. She was walking ahead strongly now, far past the point where any of us could be heard over the steam and the commotion of the boarding platform, so she no longer turned to yell at us. The others stood waiting, and as I turned to leave I caught their glances and motioned a polite goodbye. I felt I had to go elsewhere; I was exhausted from holding back all expression of my feelings. I walked into the cool shade under the giant awning that covered the departure area, and into the quiet station. The noise of the trains retreated behind me, leaving me feeling less haunted by the sounds of their leaving and taking Martha away. I retreated to the area around the newsstand, stood alone and shoved my hands into the pockets of the dressy slacks I wore for the occasion. A deep breath. Another, deeper breath. I loitered, pretending to gaze at the magazines while I pulled myself together enough to pass through the station and appear perfectly normal in front of the bystanders who entered and left through the main arches. I was not really aware of anything around me. My mind went completely blank. I didn't know where I was going or what I would do. My urge was to hop on the train, ticket or no ticket, baggage or no baggage. I could not believe I was thinking such impossible thoughts. Abruptly I felt I'd had my fill of this scene. I turned and, in one long series of movements during which I consciously fought to keep moving ahead rather turning and running for the departing train, I kept going until I was out of the station and onto the sidewalk. I made my way quickly back to the Tremont Cafe. I have no idea what kinds of sounds the train made as it left Memphis, no idea how it looked or whether Martha might be gazing out the window and back at Union Station, or what she might look like riding in the Pullman on her way out of town. I entered the front door of the Tremont Cafe, now crowded at the height of the lunch hour with crusty old railroad men and a bunch of my aunts and grandfolks and the two middle-aged waitresses who worked there. Bill Hailey and the Comets were drumming out "Rock Around the Clock" on the light-swirling Wurlitzer. It was a record that had been on the juke box so long it had taken on a cloudy, garbled, hissy sound. Without a word I stepped behind the lunch counter, grabbed a dish, and filled it with several round scoops of Forest Hill vanilla ice cream. Though there were no tears, I knew I was crying: I had a thick salty taste in my throat. Shuffling past the help and the dishes, I made my way through the rear kitchen where my ancient great-grandmother, Mama Nifa, smiled her toothless smile and happily stirred a huge caldron of steaming beef stew. I smiled and nodded to everyone who smiled and nodded at me, and found a seat in the fairly quiet and unpopulated rear lunch room. I sat wordlessly and poked at the ice cream, which was soothing and cool, although in my numbed state I couldn't taste it. Wanda, a wiry little redheaded waitress who always talked out of the side of her thin mouth, came into the room on a break with a glass of iced tea and asked me, "Hi, sport, you gonna type the menus for us again today?" Mustering my most casual smile, I answered, "Sure." "Here," she said, grabbing a seat at the table in front of me and pulling several handwritten pages out of her apron pocket. "Here's the dishes and the prices, so you can type this up for us. I'd rather you did it anyway, I can't spell worth a damn and you do such a nice job on the typewriter." She spread the pages on the table before us. She lit a cigarette and sipped her iced tea. I looked at her. She was in her late thirties and I knew she was divorced. She was thin, long-necked, rather attractive despite her long and slightly crooked nose. I had always felt there was something seduct- ive about what I could see of her small tits and slender arms. High- waisted and leggy, she was always friendly and unceremonious with me from the first time I saw her. Now I sat directly across from another woman whom I knew to be sexually attractive to me in a kinky way that partook of something of the forbidden manner in which Martha had been sexually attractive. But Martha was gone. Those two facts -- Wanda's physical presence and loose manner, and Martha's complete absence -- gave me a new and undefinably odd feeling. It suddenly occurred to me that for the first time since I became a sexual person, there was no way for me to express my sexuality. I found it strangely disorienting. Wanda puffed on her cigarette. "What's up, sport? You don't look so happy." Brazenly I said, without a blink: "I just lost my girlfriend." "What the hell," she said, with a disdainful smirk and a wave of her hand. "So get another one." "I don't know any other ones." "So what? You're young. Not like me! My last one wore me out! Made me old before my time." She stretched in a tired yawn, a motion that shoved her tiny nipples against her thin apron, and it occurred to me that she didn't appear to be wearing a bra under her uniform. "Anyway, I gotta get back to work. Give the menus to the boss-lady, you know, your Aunt Frances, when you finish. And thanks, honey--my English ain't nearly good enough for that kind of work. I envy you, bein' smart enough at your age to do that kinda stuff." She turned and sauntered off, with horny little thirteen-year-old me following her slim hips and long legs all the way out of the room. I retrieved the heavy Smith Corona typewriter out of the broom closet and loaded it with paper and carbons for the day's food listing, of which I would type several carbon copies that would be slipped inside the plastic covers of the restaurant menus. As I worked I wondered what it might be like to fuck Wanda. But, then, Wanda wasn't what I wanted. I knew I was merely lonely and that what I really missed was knowing that sooner or later Martha would be around, moaning and talking and fucking. Of course, that wouldn't happen. With a new and sudden pain in my balls and in my gut, it began to hit me -- suddenly and with the force of the wind from an atomic blast -- that my needs had nowhere to go. Restless and growing anxious and angry, I threw myself into typing the menus. The restaurant had no duplicating machine; I had to type the menus manually, one original and five carbons at a time. Aunt Frances would give me five bucks for the job. Not much, but five bucks was five bucks, in addition to a couple of bucks for a weekly allowance that she would slip to me, and another two or three bills from Mama Rose or Daddy Joe as the balance of my allowance. My brain started adding this up. That was about nine to eleven bucks a week. If I continued to lie about my age at the movies and kept getting in on the child's ticket price, and if I kept my spending down to a reasonable level at school during the week, I could save perhaps twenty-five or thirty bucks a month. Maybe more. And I would be deliv- ering at my step-dad's grocery, which would amount to more money every week. As I typed, I wondered: How long would it take to save up enough money to get to New York? Continued... From: sjr <73233.1411@CompuServe.COM> -------- **** WARNING **** WARNING **** WARNING **** THIS DOCUMENT IS A SEXUALLY GRAPHIC STORY ABOUT AN INTENSE SEXUAL, EMOTIONAL AND INTELLECTUAL RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN A TEENAGE GIRL AND A YOUNG BOY AND THE COURSE OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP OVER A PERIOD OF 10 YEARS. IT IS A DRAMATIZATION ABOUT REAL PEOPLE AND THEIR CON- FLICT WITH SOCIAL EXPECTATIONS. IF THIS SUBJECTS OFFENDS YOU OR IF SEXUAL LANGUAGE UPSETS YOU, OR IF YOU DON'T WANT THIS MATERIAL SEEN BY UNDER-18 OR OTHERWISE UNQUALIFIED PERSONS, DELETE THIS DOCUMENT. THIS DOCUMENT IS COPYRIGHTED 1994, 1996 BY SJR. SO--HEY, YOU CAN COPY IT BUT YOU CAN'T CHANGE IT OR SELL IT UNLESS I SAY SO. -------------------------------------------------------------------- THE ADVENTURES OF ME AND MARTHA JANE by S.J.R. PART 9A: Working at Liberty Cash Grocery Number 23 was more challenging than I'd expected. The store occupied the corner of Exchange and Lauderdale, across the street from the same project and the same corner where Martha and I grew up. Two stock-boys worked in the store, and three delivery boys worked outside on the clunky old utility bikes. On my first day at work in early July I was assigned to young, dark- haired Anthony, a distant cousin who lived with his widowed mother in the project. He could shuck a bushel of corn and trim lettuce so quickly that his hand movements seemed a mere blur. During the first couple of days I almost managed to compete with him, as well as learning how to stock canned and boxed goods in the aisles and shelves as neatly as did George, the oldest stock boy. But after I learned the basic layout and operation of the store by the end of that week, I was assigned to a delivery bike. That job con- fronted me with my physical limitations. Though I was not small for my going-on-fourteen years, I was neither hefty nor strong. A customer's grocery order contained from one to several stuffed bags in addition to an occasional case of canned goods or beer. The bikes themselves were ancient chain-driven units with gigantic wire baskets over the front and rear wheels. They had fat metal seats, no center bar, a chest-high bare metal handlebar, undersized wheels designed for heavy loads and rough streets, and a low-ratio single gear for hauling rather than speed. They were slow, rusty, noisy machines. But when loaded with several heavy grocery bags that would be pedaled over a pitted street or along a gravel driveway, they were stronger and more manageable than a recreational bike. One of the older boys, a chesty, tough-looking but friendly blond, crew-cut kid named Charlie, took charge for the first few days and showed me the ropes. He saw to it that I started out with one-bag or two-bag loads for customers who lived no more than three blocks away. I was slow at first; although I had once lived in the area, the building numbering system in the project and on some of the more obscure side streets were unfamiliar. This brief training reduced the number of daily deliveries I was able to make. The job paid ten cents per order. At that stage I averaged seven to ten orders daily. By the end of the second week I was getting the hang of things. That Saturday was particularly busy. Under the additional pressure of a blistering noon sun, Charlie and another kid and I were on the sidewalk in front of the store loading bags onto our bikes, along with a fourth boy who had been drafted for the day from the part-time pool. Charlie helped load the first two bikes and sent them on their way. He had already loaded three orders onto his own bike. He pointed to the last group of several bags. "They been here over an hour. We better get caught up." He surveyed the bags. "We got one for 236 Exchange, I can add that to my load. But all the other nine bags is Miz Gaston's order. You'll have to make two trips outta this, maybe three. You up to it, Speedy?" "Sure," I said. "Load me." Charlie helped me load the first four large paper bags onto my bike. "That looks steady enough," he told me, checking the bike for sway and balance. Then he climbed on his fully-loaded machine and steadied him- self with one foot on the ground. Pointing at the one-bag order still sitting in the corner, he told me, "Gimme me that order." I gaped at him. "You gonna carry that with five bags already on your bike?" "Hell, give it to me. C'mon." I handed him the bag, which was no lightweight, and he held it pressed to his side with one hand grasping the bottom. Wobbling slightly on the bike, he settled onto his seat, grabbed the handlebar with his free hand, shoved off with one long push of his feet, and started pedaling rough-and-ready down the street in the hot sun, gritting his teeth and looking in all directions for the traffic. I watched with admiration as he drifted slowly up Exchange Street, steering one-handed and hefting a full sack under his free arm. Climbing onto my own bike, I was surprised as the stubborn weight caught me off-guard and almost felled me. Grunting, I forced the bike upright and made sure of my balance. I proceeded slowly, knowing I'd have to be careful with this monstrous load. But before I could get moving, my stepdad rushed out of the front door and pointed at the remaining bags on the ground. "Wait up! Wait! Ain't all this part of the Gaston order?" I told him it was all one order and that I'd make it in two trips. He yelled impatiently about the order having been delayed too long and demanded that I load it all at once and get moving. I was not that good at loading up yet, so Tony grumbled and shoved me aside. Hastily, he began stuffing the bags into the large carry baskets, shifting and shoving until the bike was so heavily loaded it seemed to sag. The tires were slightly but visibly pressed flat where they touched the sidewalk. I eyed the load fearfully and mumbled something about not being sure I could handle that much weight. "Hell you can't!" Tony retorted, "Get on that damn bike and move this order outta here! Go on, get movin!" He chomped on his unlit cigar and strode back into the store, glaring back at me hotly. At first it was all I could do to disengage the kickstand and simply hold up the bike. The cargo's weight was considerably more than my own and the slightest tilt of the machine required serious effort to keep the bike balanced. I carefully walked the bike to the curb and slowly let the front wheel off the sidewalk and into the street, then the rear wheel. At that point the shifting weight almost pulled the bike ground- ward. Desperately, using both arms and heaving my back and legs into it, I kept the bike upright while I haltingly moved onto the seat, checked my balance, hopped up onto the big metal pedals, and shoved my legs forward. The bike seemed to move in slow motion. Before I made it across narrow Exchange Street my ankles were sore with the effort. Checking the traffic in both directions, I let the bike roll lethargically toward the six-lane breadth of Lauderdale Street. Then I tried pedaling to gain the speed I needed to cross the boulevard. But the weight I was pedaling seemed to mock my efforts. I could not gain speed. Seeing traffic ap- proach, I knew I had to head back toward the curb to avoid being overrun. Helplessly, as if in a bad dream, I felt the bike tilt sideways as I turned; then I felt the overwhelming weight shift the undersized wheels with a sharp scraping sound; the front wheel began slipping underneath the bike, and the bike started tumbling. I jumped off the seat and with my arms, back, legs, and any other leverage I could muster, I vainly tried to keep the load from forcing the bike on its side in the middle of the roadway. But the weight shoved the wheels over the surface of the pavement and pulled both me and the bike toward the curb. With a loud crash the bike fell on its side, half on top of me, and several bags tumbled into the street. Groceries went everywhere. The traffic caught up with me and one of the speeding automobiles, swerving away from me, smashed a cabbage into shards. Other cars crushed oranges and a cannis- ter of bug spray. A can of creamed corn exploded sticky yellow grit into the air, and several other items were smashed and smeared in the roadway. Across the street, Tony ran out the door and screamed "God DAMN!" Pitching his cigar aside he dashed across the roadway toward me, with Anthony following. Anthony himself rushed to me in concern and alarm and helped pull me from under the bike. But my stepdad Tony flew into a rage. Kicking a couple of smashed cans out of the street and into the gutter, he flared angrily at me and screamed, "How fuckin' stupid!" Anthony uprighted the bike. Just as he wheeled it onto the sidewalk, Tony stomped over to me and yelled, "Cain't you hold up a damn bike?" He slapped me across my face so hard that my head jerked and I found my startled eyeballs suddenly staring down the street in the opposite direc- tion. I turned back to him, my neck aching from the blow, and saw his reddened face glowering into mine. "Get this shit outta the street and get that bike loaded again! Now we're gonna have to rebuild this whole damn order! And whatever's missin' comes outta your pay, goddamit!" He spit on the street and pointed to the trash around us. "Anthony! Help this idiot clean up and get 'im back on the road!" Tony turned and stomped off, toward the store. "Right, Tony," Anthony murmured after him, looking almost as startled as I must have looked. Shaking his head and eyeing me sympathetically, he said, "That Tony's a tough customer, Speedy." Enraged and humiliated, I avoided his eyes and began fetching the litter out of the street while Anthony walked the bike with its bent baskets to the storefront. Five minutes later I trekked wordlessly into and through the store, into the rear stock room. Storming into the restroom, I slammed the door shut behind me and threw the bolt lock into place, then untied and removed my garbage-stained, shin-length cotton work apron and, wadding it up tightly, slammed it into the wall and screamed "Son of a bitch!" into the little room. Covered with sweat, I bent to the sink and splashed my head and neck with cold water to cool me down both physically and emotionally. I held my dripping head over the sink and massaged my sore neck, muttering "Son of a bitch" again, and then paused and took several deep breaths. "All right," I muttered aloud, hearing my voice sound grim and wobbly with hate. "All right, dammit." I fetched a new white apron and got back to work. I'd kept track of Mrs. Gaston's sales receipt. I repacked the entire order, noted what was missing, and retrieved new items from the shelves. When the order was complete I got Mrs. Gaston's telephone number from the delivery listing and gave her a call, explaining that her order had been damaged but that it was fixed and ready to go. She was very gracious and said she knew that Saturday was always a busy day and she wasn't annoyed. This time I packed the bags myself, making certain that the load in each bag was evenly distributed and that each bag weighed nearly the same. I managed to reduce the original nine bags to seven. As I began carrying them outside and loading them on the bike, Anthony paused in his work to speak to me briefly. "Don't take it too hard," he said. "You're his son and he expects you to do better work than the rest of us." "I have my own expectations about how good my work'll be," I replied angrily. Outside, I loaded and unloaded the grocery order onto the bike sev- eral times, until I was certain the cargo was perfectly balanced. "What the hell 're you doin'?" said a burly young voice behind me. I turned to see Charlie, his hands on his hips and a wry grin on his face. "I'm takin' this order," I said flatly, grabbing up the last bag. "I heard about what happened, " Charlie said, his tough-kid's voice slightly taunting. "I know he shouldn'a done that to you, and I know it was too big a load for that bike, but you ain't gonna tell me with a straight face that you intend to deliver all this in one trip." "That's exactly what I intend to do!" I said, jamming the last bag into the rear basket. "Hell, man, I weigh twenty pounds over you and my legs are longer, but I wouldn't carry that in one load. You trynna get yourself fucked up again?" "Not this time," I vowed. I held the bike straight and level, dis- engaged the kickstand, and then let go of the bike altogether. For a brief moment it stood still and upright until I grabbed the handlebar again. "Not bad, tiger," Charlie said, nudging his lips in approval. He grinned and threw me a salute. "But this time, if you fall, try t' land on yer butt instead of yer head." I turned the bike toward Mrs. Gaston's and walked it off the curb. The bike landed on the street surface and remained level, with no bounce. Mounting, I tested the sway range of the weight piled around me. I found that managing the weight from the front was the key tactic, rather than trying to manipulate everything at once. I engaged the pedals and began pumping my legs with all my might. Soon I was rolling fast enough to make a rapid shift to the right. I glided almost gracefully across Lauderdale Street. My initial optimism was short-lived. As I slowly progressed down the street the load seemed to get heavier by the yard. Mrs. Gaston's address was three blocks into the project. The last leg of the trip was a seg- ment of rising driveway that led to her building; unable to pedal uphill, I dismounted and walked the bike to her building. It was touch and go all the way, with several close calls as the weight persistently forced the bike toward or away from me. Finally, covered with salty sweat and grime, I arrived at the front of her building. For some reason the cargo was now too heavy for the kickstand, so I leaned the bike against her building. There was no elevator, so one by one I began hefting the bags up the steep, narrow stairwell to Mrs. Gaston's third-floor apartment. She was a tiny, elderly woman in a dark flowery dress who expressed alarm at the sight of my sweat-soaked face and clothes. She gave me a glass of ice water, smiled and thanked me, and gave me a ten-cent tip. Later, leaning in the shade at the side of her building, I cooled off and caught my breath. I looked down at the shiny dime in my hand. I told myself: you made it, dammit. And with a dime to spare. An extra dime for New York. One step closer to the big city. Mounting my bike I grabbed the handlebar, shoved off with both feet, and went into a long glide down the driveway toward the street, the cool wind now flapping my apron around my shins. I pumped the pedals swiftly and pushed the bike through the breeze that mounted with my speed. I spotted Charlie under the front awning of the store two blocks ahead. He glanced in my direction and grinned and gave me the "OK" sign with his raised hand. For the rest of the afternoon the orders proliferated. Charlie and I and the two other boys kept loading and shoving off with one delivery after another. Charlie kept his eyes on me, sending me on the lighter, nearer orders. Finally I told him I expected to be treated the same way the others were and that I should carry the same loads as they. "Take yer time," Charlie told me as we loaded up yet another group of bags. "You're smaller than the others, and your legs are shorter." He paused to reach into his shirt pocket for his cigarette lighter. He retrieved a cigarette from the pack he kept in the folds of his rolled-up shirt sleeve. He took a quick puff and extended the pack toward me. "Smoke?" "Thanks," I said, even though I didn't know how to smoke. He gave the pack a quick, short jerk and the tips of several ciga- rettes protruded from the pack. I grabbed one and put it in my mouth, instantly feeling the mild burn of tobacco on my inner lips. I resolved that whatever could be done by Charlie, who was robust and taller and three years my senior, I could do as well. He flipped open his Zippo lighter and lit my cigarette. I puffed. I coughed several times. "Shit," he said, grinning with his cigarette dangling from his mouth. "C'mon, man, take it one thing at a time. That ain't no way to smoke, you got tobacco all over your damn lip. Maybe you oughtta start out with filters instead of straights." "I'll start with straights," I said, embarrassed but grinning back stubbornly. "There's a four-bagger over there. Come on and load me up." He took another puff and sighed. "Man, what a glutton for punish- ment." For the rest of the afternoon I watched Charlie closely, chiding him when I saw him pass up a large order and assign me to a much smaller one. He smirked and warned me, "Don't pass up all the small orders," he cautioned. "They're short and quick. And they pay the same ten cents as the big ones that take longer." As dusk neared and the flow of business waned for the day, I loaded one more four-bagger onto my bike and was just getting ready to shove off when my stepdad came out of the front door and stood near my bike. I averted my eyes from his and pretended to be engrossed in straightening a bag in my front basket. He spoke evenly and calmly. "All right, I have to apologize for losin' my temper today. You cleaned it all up, and you got the order to the customer all by yourself. The customer called up and said nothin' was missin', and nothin' was damaged. So you did a good job. And forget about anything comin' out of your pay this week. I'm sorry I got so angry about it." Without another word, he walked away. His apology changed nothing. At that moment I deeply resented him -- not for his anger, but for the humiliation I felt at being struck. Even before he disappeared into the store, I had turned my bike around and was on my way with the next order. Soon I was cruising in the cool late afternoon breeze with a four- bag order, my sore thighs arduously pumping at the pedals that pushed my squeaky, straining bike down Lauderdale Street. Earlier, when no one in the store was watching, I made Anthony sell me a pack of Chesterfield unfiltered cigarettes. As I turned into the project driveway and slipped out of sight of those in the store, I reached into my shirt pocket under my stained work apron, pulled out the pack of cigarettes, jerked the pack in the manner I had learned from Charlie, and pulled out a cigarette by holding the tip with only the dry, outer portion of my lips. Using another technique I learned from watching Charlie, I struck a match on my bluejean leg and lit up. The smoke was bitter and hot. I vowed I'd learn to inhale the way older kids did, and the thought that my stepdad would be incensed at my smoking merely firmed my resolve to smoke as much as I wanted, to carry my own load, to ignore him and be free of him. I told myself that it was what my real father, Steven Senior, would have done. In my pants pocket I had the tips I'd earned and that I didn't let Tony know about: two quarters, two dimes, and some pennies. That day I had already broken my previous record by carrying thirteen deliveries, and the store would not be closing for almost three hours. I knew I had considerable growing and building-up to do. Charlie and the others outclassed me in every way. But I had a goal ahead of me, a goal far beyond the grocery store, beyond Memphis. By mid-September I was running thirty orders a day, and over fifty on Saturdays. The savings account that Tony managed for me slowly grew. Slowly. But as soon as it looked as if I might be getting somewhere financially, I had to register for my last year of grammar school. This meant that I could earn money only on Saturday deliveries and on Sundays when I typed menus at the Tremont. I began looking for more work and more money. PART 9B: One morning in early October, soon after starting my 8th-grade school year, I approached Tony at breakfast and told him I needed to draw from my savings. At first he didn't want to hear about it; the account had only recently begun to show real progress. I told him I needed to buy a new bike and a front basket for it. When he discovered that I needed the bike because I had signed up to be a morning news carrier for the Commercial Appeal, his eyes lit up. It was the first time I'd seen him express enthusiasm for anything I'd said or done. "What about your Saturday job at the store?" he asked. "I'm keepin' that one, too," I said firmly. He smiled broadly at my Mom. "Damn, this kid's gettin' to be a real worker!" Under those circumstances, he agreed that I could get an inexpensive three-speed bike that wouldn't consume my savings but would be good enough to haul a load of morning newspapers. Of course I didn't tell him that the money from the paper route would be used to get me to New York. He was so pleased about my willingness to work myself to death, I didn't want to spoil the only basis for the slim rapport that had been established between us. At my first morning on the carrier job, it soon became apparent that I'd again taken on a bigger chunk that I'd bargained for. My Mom woke me at four o'clock in the morning and had hot oatmeal waiting for me when I was dressed. As I wolfed breakfast she stumbled back into bed, grumbling that she'd be glad when I would be able to wake myself up and get an early breakfast without disturbing her. That first October morning was chilly and dark. I rode my new red three-speed Schwinn to the loading station several blocks away. The route manager, a short and muscular middle-aged man with a harried look and baggy eyes, delivered my initial instructions and showed me how to check and sign for my newspapers. I learned that my route consisted of 136 customers on seven short suburban streets. I then discovered that there was no way my three-speed Schwinn could transport 136 newspapers in a single trip without another backbreaking effort on my part. The solution was to pile as many papers as I could into the bike's front basket. This amounted to a little less than one-third of the papers required. I was given three large canvas shoulder bags with the official Commercial Appeal logo imprinted on them in dull red. I stuffed the remaining papers into the three canvas bags. Then I strapped the bags around my shoulders by their long canvas straps. Thus weighted, I slowly waddled like a two-ton duck out of the dimly lighted loading sta- tion and toward my bicycle. Outside, the crowd of other newscarriers hustled to load their motorcycles and automobiles. I knew none of them and spoke to no one -- I was too busy trying to figure out how to keep the weight of the packed bags from pulling me down and flattening me like a pancake. Lurching fitfully, I struggled to mount my Schwinn. The next step was to see if I could possibly move my legs up and down to work the pedals. I couldn't. The huge canvas bags hanging from my shoulders were in the way. The route manager in his leather bomber jacket passed me on his way to his station wagon. "Hey," he shouted, "you gonna make it anywhere like that?" "Sure," I said, forcing a smile. I was far from sure of it myself. After twisting and shuffling the load on my shoulders so that one bag hung over my back and the other two were suspended slightly behind my hips, I was able to move my legs. I started pumping arduously at the pedals of my Schwinn, which I locked in its lowest gear. By the time I devised this clumsy method, almost all the other kids had left the loading station. I lumbered into the roadway and headed toward Given Avenue, one long block away. Looking ahead, I was horrified to find that, despite all the level streets and flat expanses of land in my neighborhood, I had been given a route that had to be accessed from the loading station by climbing the only hill in sight. And it was a steep climb, rising quickly to a least a two-story height in the course of that one long block of roadway. As I grunted and puffed my way up the hill at a slug's pace, the last two newsboys passed me, one on his motorcycle with its sidecar loaded with newspapers, and the other in a baby blue 1952 Mercury whose broken muffler roared and spewed a thin gray cloud of oily smoke as he passed me and disappeared over the hill. The sun was just rising. The jet black sky had lightened vaguely with the first gray intimations of daybreak. There was no traffic on the streets, no sound in the predawn stillness -- just myself, groaning and huffing under the onus of the fully loaded front basket and the three bulging canvas bags whose combined size was almost three times my own. Halfway up the hill, the burning in my thighs told me I had no choice but to dismount and walk the load to the crest of the upgrade. Cursing under my hot breath, I stopped my bike. Now I had to find a way to dismount without hurting myself. I could not get both my feet to touch the ground in order to balance the Schwinn. Before I knew it, I felt the bag around my back begin to shift to my side as I leaned to get off the bike and onto one foot. Suddenly the strap of the bag was choking me. I reached back to stop the bag's movement, but its weight and that of the one next to it dragged themselves and me toward the ground. I was yanked to my left; then the bag at my right hip followed suit with the others, swinging behind and then beyond me, and all three bags hauled me down. I fell, face up, my Schwinn toppling away from me. Two of the bags landed beneath me, their wide straps yanking roughly and garotting me from behind as they pulled me down. Flat on my back, choking and gag- ging, I panicked and struggled to raise my head. This only dug the rough straps into my neck. Finally, I had the good sense to roll onto my side and off the bags. The straps fell away from my neck. I could breathe again. Coughing and gasping, I pulled the other straps away and stood to survey the damage. The handlebar of my Schwinn had somehow been twisted starboard, out of line with the center bar. I raised the bike and held it between my knees while I strained to center the handlebar. Rasping loudly and still choking a little, I looked around. Not a car or a person in sight. At least I'd been spared the embarrassment of having my stupidity and clumsiness witnessed by others. Checking my wrist watch, I saw that it was nearly six A.M. Breathlessly I muttered aloud to myself, "You'll have to do better than this, stupid." My body was still reacting to the sensation of being strangled by the straps of my own newsbags. Rubbing my neck, I found that the flesh around my Adam's apple had been burned and scraped; it stung painfully when I touched it. Enraged, I hurriedly began strapping up again. Arranging the bags more methodically, I reloaded the papers that had fallen out of my Schwinn's basket and began laboriously walking the bike uphill. Finally at the top, I took a right turn and surveyed the street that lay before me and that led to the beginning of my route five blocks away. Whereas the steep grade that led from the paper station to the top of the hill was sudden and sharp, the street before me was a long sweeping down- grade as far as I could see. "Good!" I said aloud, knowing that I could simply coast downhill all the way to my route. Carefully I mounted my Schwinn. After ensuring that all was balanced and under control, I shoved off with my feet and sat with the hard nose of the bicycle seat nudging painfully into my coccyx under the weight of the carrier bags. But soon I was rolling swiftly, the bicycle tires hissing loudly along the asphalt street. In the quiet air I heard the wind whistle faintly past my ears as I picked up speed. Thus loaded, strapped, upright, and rolling almost merrily along, I imagined myself as looking absurdly like a giant papier-mache cauliflower on wheels. About halfway down the hill it suddenly occurred to me that I had no way whatever of braking quickly under the momentum of the weight that both surrounded and propelled me. Stoically, I concluded that in a collision the formless paper hulk would at least cushion the blow. Fortunately, sudden stops weren't needed. But as I approached the far end of Given Avenue, where the first house on my route nestled upon its own little mound of grassy lot, I noticed for the first time that this part of Given sloped toward another upgrade. Thankfully it was not the virtual mountain that lay behind me; but my rolling began to slow, and soon I was straining and pedaling again in low gear. Out of breath and grunting fiercely under the three canvas bags, I finally rolled to a stop at the curb in front of the first house. Too tired to resist, I allowed myself and my bike to lean, and then to slide into a slow fall, toward my right. All of me and my load settled with a soft lurch into the grass that lined the curb. I lay there for several minutes on my back, gazing at the brightening, dull overcast above. Gradually I gained my breath, though for a minute or so I seemed to have fallen into a shallow doze. Opening my eyes, I extracted myself from the long shoulder straps and sat up, feeling the chilly October air on my face and hands. I craned my aching neck to my left and looked at the sweep of roadway which I had just traveled. There stood the hill at the top of Given Avenue, where I'd fallen and nearly choked. I knew there was no way to get from the paper station to my route without fighting that hill. I'd have to battle that hill every morning, seven days a week, for as long as I kept the paper route. And this was only a Monday -- the Sunday edition would be three times the size and weight of the dailies. Well, I thought, I'd worry about that when Sunday arrived. Standing creakily, I stretched and found that my shoulders ached and had also been burned by the iron grip of one of the straps. My neck ached, my back ached, my thighs and shins burned and throbbed. I looked again toward the hill, which stood silent and mocking five or six blocks away. "I'll beat you," I said aloud. "I'll beat you yet, dammit." I straightened my jacket and my twisted shirt, and then dragged my load of papers onto the customer's lawn. Sitting in the dew-damp grass, I spent several minutes resting while folding and tucking each newspaper into a hard, flat, four-cornered package that would be easy to pitch onto the 136 front porches that lay ahead. A few minutes later the route manager, Mr. Williams, cruised by in his brown station wagon and rolled to a stop near me. "Hey," he scolded from the car window, "you better get movin'. It's almost six-thirty." "I'm folding all the papers first," I called back, without getting up. "It'll go faster that way." "It's your route, you handle it the way you like. But if you don't finish by seven o'clock when people wake up, I start getting calls from folks who climb the walls because they don't have their mornin' paper." "Don't worry," I said wearily. "Just running a little slow on my first day." Mr. Williams frowned and lit a cigarette. "Don't let this get to be a habit," he cautioned sternly. He stepped on the gas and drove off in a hurry. "Up yours," I muttered as he roared away. It was impractical to walk my entire route carrying all three bags loaded with folded newspapers. I decided that I could leave two bags in the shrubs of the first house, and use the third bag to service the first part of my route, which circled back to where I started. The second bag could handle the next two streets, and I could circle back again to pick up the last bag and finish the route. By the end of the week I was showing up at a quarter to five in the morning, walking my papers up that first hill, and completing the route just after six. Then I'd cruise home on my Schwinn and catch an hour's nap before showering and boarding the bus to St. Michael's School. When school let out that afternoon, I was so tired that I fell asleep on the school bus; the driver knew my stop and woke me up every day. But I knew I couldn't depend on his wakeup forever. I had to shape up. Managing my first Sunday edition was a nightmare. The Sunday sub- scriber list was larger than the daily, totaling 165 papers instead of 136. The bulk was not my estimated three times that of the dailies, but four or five times the weekday load. Although I'd learned a lot about handling the carrier bags and my Schwinn, I was discouraged to find that I had to make three trips back and forth before I could transport the entire load to my route. By the time I finally slipped thick rubber bands around each paper, a heavy and sloppy rainfall began. Many papers got soaked before I could move them into shelter on a nearby front porch. That morning, I didn't complete the route until after seven-thirty. When I finally stumbled into my parents' home I found that five customers had already called in their complaints. My step-dad was awake and sipping his coffee as he dressed for Mass. "Why are you so late?" he grumbled. "Didn't you go to your route this morning? Your manager called and said he had five complaints." I collapsed onto our sofa and wearily explained that the Sunday papers were so heavy that it took over an hour to get them to my route, and then the rain made me even later. "Hmp. Cain't be THAT many papers on Sunday," he grumbled. "It's not the number," I said, "it's the size." "The other boys get their papers up there, don't they? Why can't you?" Holding back a fit of anger, I answered patiently, "The other boys have cars or motorcycles." "You have to be sixteen to drive a car," he retorted. I retorted back, "They have cars. That's all I know." He thought about it for a minute. "Well, we have to wake up early to get to Sunday Mass anyway, so...I'll get up with you on Sundays, and we can load your papers in the car." I was relieved by the idea. Relieved, surprised, and disappointed all at once. Surprised that he would offer help, much less that he'd even considered that my situation might require it. Relieved, that the worst of the Sunday nightmare would be alleviated, although that big hill on Given Avenue would still be there the other six days of the week. And disappointed: not only did I feel old enough and intelligent enough to drive our Ford each morning, but I also could complete my work long be- fore it was time for my stepdad to drive to work. I was envious of many of the other boys, most of whom were not yet sixteen but who nevertheless appeared to have dads who let them use a car for work. But I was not willing to tempt fate by complaining about the offer. I thanked him, though I did so in such a subdued manner that I wondered if he believed I was truly grateful. I did not trust Tony enough to communicate with him frankly. I seldom shared words with him, much less my thoughts and feelings. Anyway, this little package of help did not satisfy my need for someone whom I felt could be the father I wanted or needed. The other barb was that I wanted to be able to do everything on my own. I did not trust people or like them enough to be able to ask for help, which I accepted only when I saw no other choice. So I accepted his ride. Each Sunday, the two of us traded brief, dull, impersonal shreds of conversation during the predawn half-hour or so as we rode to the paper station, loaded the papers, and then unloaded them onto a front porch where I could keep out of the weather. Tony would drive off, leaving me to rubber-band the big Sunday editions or slide them into plastic covers when it rained or snowed. It's possible that this Sunday routine might have aided in bringing me closer to Mr. Tony Lobianco, and through him perhaps to my Mom. After the first few weeks I had faint hopes that this might happen. Those hopes were dashed a few days before Thanksgiving when my mother came into my bedroom one night and caught me masturbating. Apparently she had been on her way to the bathroom in our dark house and must have seen my hand movements under the bed covers. She rushed into the room and pulled back the blankets to reveal my erection, as I tried in vain to pull my pajamas back up. "Speedy!" she shrieked. "How disgusting!" She threw the covers back over me and I saw her flinch and grimace with revulsion. "You should be ashamed of yourself!" She left the room, muttering, "I hope you tell the priest about this in confession! That's just...awful!" For a while I lay silent and shaky with the suddenness of it all, humiliated at being caught, mortified by her reaction. After many minutes of darkness and quiet, I was simply angry. I waited almost an hour before renewing my vision of a girl my age, a girl very much like Martha Jane, arching her hips to receive me, and finished as stealthily as I could. The next morning at breakfast, Tony waited until my Mom left the breakfast table for a moment before saying in a subdued but reproving voice, "You'll be goin' to confession when you're in school today... Right?" "Yessir," I replied, appearing suitably ashamed and penitent. Of course, I didn't confess. The incident succeeded in making me feel ashamed, but it also resulted in my being angrily rebellious rather than penitent. I adopted a strict policy of never revealing my sexual self to anyone, not even to other boys. That night and that morning had been the most personal and intimate moment I had ever experienced with either of them. Any hopes I had about bridging gaps between myself and my parents bit the dust. I never again trusted them with any aspect of my inner life. PART 9C: Easter Sunday, 1956. I knew the paper that day would be no larger than a regular daily. I told my stepdad I could handle the load with my Schwinn. In fact, the Easter edition was so slim that the entire load fit into my front basket, and I pedaled up the big hill on Given Avenue at a brisk pace with nominal effort. As I rounded the hill and turned to roll into the long downgrade that led to my route, a thin snow flurry began. Spare, tiny flakes floated lazily down to white-frosted lawns and rooftops. I felt rather heroic. I had become attached to the hill I'd conquered over the past six months and to the bloated carrier bags that I now slung around my back and shoulders with routine nonchalance. I had not grown taller, but from the way I was climbing that hill every day and the way I handled multiple deliveries on the big hill at the top of Exchange Street on Saturdays, I had grown in strength and endurance. I felt I had learned the message behind Pogo's little joke, which I had seen not long ago in the Sunday comics: "We have met the enemy, and he is us!" My physical limitations were my major enemy. I felt that if I could not overcome them, then I must develop effective workarounds. Adults were, if not inimical, untrustworthy at best. My peers and those who were slightly older had gone Brando, all in upturned collars or black motorcycle jackets and t-shirts. Boys my own age, nearly fourteen, began outracing me physically; I watched them grow taller, while I stayed where I was. I had been tall at twelve or thirteen; but I could see that at fourteen I would be below average in size. Even in the winter cold I would sweat bullets when delivering the heavy orders on Saturdays in the project, while bullnecked Charlie performed the same feat without even breathing hard. As the Easter flurry advanced slowly into light snowfall, I sat on a customer's front porch away from the chilly wind and rubber-banded my goods. After a long winter, mornings were breaking earlier. In the early hush, the sky slowly brightened into a warm greyish glow. The Easter edition would be an easy throw; people would be waking later than usual. I could afford, for once, to relax. Unrushed, I lapsed into one of my most dangerous habits: thinking. I recalled the day a few weeks earlier when Tony mentioned that I'd saved up enough to buy a small motorcycle, for which I could legally obtain a license on my fourteenth birthday. But I preferred for some reason to stay with my Schwinn. Besides, the money saved by not buying a motorbike would be more useful when I could finally visit New York. Keeping busy, making my own breakfast seven days a week, spending Sundays at the Tremont and several evenings each month making door-to- door subscription collections on my route -- all of it left me more isolated from my parents and sister, and from acquaintances. I was only dimly aware of Mom's next pregnancy, which produced a baby half-brother they called Tony Number 2 a few weeks before Easter. Naturally, every- one's attention shifted to him. Keeping two jobs had cost my participation in plays at school. It was physically impossible for me to do it all, considering how much hard- er my relatively small frame had to work to accomplish the same thing that others seemed to manage with less effort. But if I kept working and building myself up, I thought, then a later day might find me doing plays again as well as everything else. The fact that I was now wearing eyeglasses had been a major setback, leading me to believe I was somehow defective. An eye test at St. Michael's in February revealed that my vision was far from perfect. A few weeks later, Mom took me to an optometrist. The following week, we returned from his office with my new eye- glasses. "How long will I have to wear these things?" I asked Mom petulantly as we were riding home with the plastic-framed monstrosity on my face. "If you're like most men on your side of the family," my Mom replied, unaffected, "you'll probably have to wear them the rest of your life. At least when you read, anyway." This depressing thought sent a chill up my spine. For days I would stop at every reflecting surface I passed and adjust and readjust the frames, to no avail. They hurt my nose. They burned behind my ears. They never seemed to sit neatly on my face. My mother's lack of concern didn't help. Nor did the kids at school, who started calling me "four- eyes" and "spec". Kids who wore glasses on tv and in movies were always portrayed as anemic, brainy misfits. The glasses made me feel ugly and deformed. I hated them. That Easter morning I carried, safely hidden in a zippered pocket inside my quilted carcoat, the latest of three letters from Martha. I kept her mail in a folder with my schoolbooks, not because they contained intimate material, but because I never wanted them to be considered part of the garbage my parents would force me to discard. Sitting on a cus- tomer's front porch after preparing my papers, I leaned back against the stuffed bag and gently opened the white envelope from New York. She used plain unlined paper. I marveled at the way she wrote in almost perfectly straight lines. Martha. She had an address in Manhattan on East 87th Street. "It's the East Side," she wrote, "but definitely not a ritzy block. The building is a hundred years old. It's a walkup, which to you tourists means no elevator. It's an old building with very small apartments. Over the years the newer buildings just grew up around this block. It's so old, the shower is a stall in the kitchen, because the building was here before indoor plumbing was common. Has hot water, though--at least it's not a coldwater flat, like the building next door to mine. The apartment even has nicks in the walls that hold the old-fashioned oil burning lamps that were in here before electricity was installed. It has a small living room, and a really tiny fireplace that actually works. "I have been teaching kids your age who are just about the most brilliant boys and girls I ever met. Of course, you're just as smart as most of them. What many of them lack, though, is your sensitivity, and your creativity. Some of them are not bright at all, but just problem children whom it seems I can't help much. I hope I can learn to work with them, they've led such hard, often cruel lives. Some conditions in the neighborhoods where these children live can be described only as real-life nightmares. "Which reminds me: I hope you are not having that same old dream. I wish I knew what it meant. If it happens again, please try to describe exactly what it is that happens in your dream, how you feel and what you're thinking. But I hope the dream hasn't come back. I hope you are well, and happy, and growing, and learning. Please don't wear yourself out with all that work; your school is the most important thing, and your well-being." Although I had read the letter a thousand times, I could read no further that morning. I wiped my eyes dry, replaced and aligned my specs, and hid the letter inside my coat. Standing, I slung the heavy bag over my shoulder and started on my way. I had written her several times. I had not told her much about myself, except for the jobs. I hadn't told her that the reason I was working so hard was because I wanted to come to New York and see her, and I wanted to do so more than once. I didn't tell her about my dream, my parents, my loneliness, or anything else about my inner life. I didn't want her to worry. Above all, I didn't want her to see my failings. Therefore, I didn't tell her about the glasses. I didn't tell her that I had not grown taller. Someday, soon, I knew I'd have to ask her if I could see her in New York. I wondered if she would refuse. She was in a truly different world now. Had she fallen in love with someone? Surely, with her looks and her charm, she must have met someone in a big place like New York City. Each time I read her letters, I wondered how much she didn't reveal. I wondered, as I walked through the waxing snowfall that Easter, if, when I asked her about going to see her, she would then be forced to tell me that she had someone and that it wouldn't be a good idea for me to show up. Or if she had met someone and I did visit, what would I do when she introduced her boyfriend? And if she indeed had a boyfriend, why was I breaking my back for the money to visit her? What would be the point? Martha, I thought as I walked along with my carrier bag slapping my hip. Snowflakes smashed silently into my new lenses. Martha Jane. Just after Easter I woke up one morning with a burning pain in my side and tummy, and a heavy twinge of nausea. Luckily the paper load was light that day and the weather mild, but as I finished and was on my way home I still sensed a creepy nausea. Except for a bout with the 'flu, I had never been so sick. When Mom saw that I was still in bed at breakfast time she asked what was wrong. I told her I didn't feel I could handle the ride on the school bus without throwing up. She shoved a thermometer in my mouth and read my temperature. Tony stopped in my doorway and asked, "What's goin' on?" Mom sighed. "Well, he doesn't have much of a temperature. It's just under one hundred." Tony grunted, "C'mon, Speedy, you're not that sick. Get up and get ready for school. You'll feel better when you start movin' around." Mom, in her bathrobe and slippers, followed him into the living room as he donned his carcoat and got ready for work. "Well," she said, "he does have a little fever, not much. Do you think it might get worse?" "Damn. People go to work and school all the time when they're a little sick. I go to work when I feel like shit, myself. Hell, he ain't sick. Get him dressed and get him to school." My brief nap did leave me feeling improved, and I supposed Tony was right. Besides, I didn't want to admit that anything could floor me that easily, and I did have to keep up with my work. So I dressed and boarded the bus as usual. But during the long ride to school the pain and nausea increased. I began perspiring. Repressing the desire to throw up was becoming an effort. As usual, I arrived at school and got into the line of 8th graders. Sister Immaculata led us into the church for our daily eight o'clock Mass. Halfway through the service, I feared I could no longer hold back my urges. At one point some bitter stomach fluid jumped into the back of my throat; trembling, I knew an eruption was looming. Climbing over the other students in my pew, I crept softly to Sister Immaculata, who sat in the aisle seat in the back pew looking prim and fresh in her starched white Dominican collar and pristine black robes. "What's wrong, child?" she asked, a little irritably. "Sister...I feel sick. I think I should go to the restroom." "Now, just be patient. Mass will be over soon, and you can go." "But, Sister, I don't need to...'go'. I feel sick. And my stomach hurts." "Oh. Well...patience, child. The service will end soon and we can take a look at you." Sister Immaculata did not have more time to protest or to talk me into thinking I felt better. A split second later, to my own surprise as well as hers, I noisily and violently threw up a huge serving of redolent vomit directly into the lap of her long brown robes. She rose instantly as the pale yellow stuff spilled down her clothing and onto the floor. Grabbing my arm, she rushed me through the nearby rear door and into the vestibule. Despite my best efforts, I deposited another raging load that drenched her entire right side and clung to every shiny bead of the heavy rosary and the large silver crucifix that hung from her hips. When we were safely in the boy's restroom at the rear of the church I began to cry. "I'm sorry, Sister," I sobbed, almost hysterical with embarrassment. "I'm so sorry, I tried to hold it back!" "It's all right, dear. You couldn't help it. I didn't realize you were so ill. Poor child, I should have listened to you. It's all right." I was kept in seclusion in a small office in the rear of the church, with Sister Immaculata sitting beside me and holding my hand until another nun and the assistant pastor showed up to relieve her. Thank- fully, the other students couldn't see me there. I feared I could never face them again; so many of them had both heard and seen me throw up on Sister Immaculata. For my entire stay in the office, which lasted almost an hour until yet another priest showed up to drive me to St. Joseph's hospital in the official black pastoral Chevrolet, I apologized again and again for drenching Sister Immaculata. Secretly, in my impish self that I never let anyone know about, I was telling myself that this was what stupid adults had coming to them for not listening to me. There was, indeed, an almost satanic satisfaction in being able to say secretly, "There! Now they'll believe me." At St. Joseph's I was examined quickly by a tall doctor who smiled indulgently when he was finished and had me lie down on a hard-cushioned cot until my stepdad arrived. Both of them stood in the doorway of the antiseptic room and joked and chatted. I had appendicitis. They would have to operate. I would be in surgery that afternoon. "Operate?" I repeated fearfully from the cot. They both laughed. "Mr. Lobianco," the doctor chuckled, "I think the word 'operate' made your son turn white as a ghost." They were amused at my stunned reaction, but I wasn't. How could I have allowed myself to get so sick? It was a sign of weakness and power- lessness that I found totally unacceptable. But there wasn't much I could do about it: within the hour I was dressed in a thin cotton hospital gown and wheeled into surgery. Lying face-up on the surgical wagon in the middle of a small operating room, I looked up to find myself surrounded by white-masked faces. Firm hands placed a cool damp white cloth over my eyes, and then I felt the ether mask covering my mouth and noise. "Just relax," a nurse crooned. "Relax, now, and breathe slowly through your nose. Don't open your mouth, dear. Breathe only through your nose. Understand? Breathe deeply, now. Thaaaat's right." I could not relax and trust them. I felt overcome by all those faces and then I saw only the unfocussed white of the cloth over my eyes. Sud- denly the acrid odor of ether burned the lining of my nose. Then my throat burned. I felt as if I were being suffocated. I became aware of the low buzz of the bright neon operating lamp that I knew was suspended just over my face. I made a brief moaning sound to let the others know that the gas was burning my nose and that I couldn't breathe. Sensing no reaction from them, I groaned more loudly. But they ignored me. Then I panicked: I could not breathe, I was choking. The lining of my nose burned so painfully that I felt my sinuses would burst. Someone held me down with a ruthless pressure on my chest. I was afraid to open my mouth and scream, fearing that to do so would cause the ether to burn my mouth and throat. I began thrashing about and moaning, then moaned louder and louder. Unable to scream through my mouth, I screamed through my moan and felt my throat scalded by the force of the sounds I was making. I heard someone shout, "Grab his arms!" I struggled violently, grasping and scratching into space. But I couldn't move! The buzz of the operat- ing lamp grew into the deafening, terrifying buzz that I'd heard in my dreams. The white cloth over my eyes began to swim and circle in my sight, even though I knew my eyes were closed. I could feel myself drifting, then sinking back into nothing. I was shrinking, dying, and the white universe expanded swiftly. My moans and the wild buzz merged into a single strange sound that rose to a blaring hum and then slowly, slowly, slowly decreased in frequency and then in volume, until it became a low helpless drone in the drowning murk. I surrendered to the white death, and to the blackening veil and the silence that fell quickly and softly over everything... I was unconscious into the evening. When I awoke I lay partly on my right side in a huge, soft hospital bed. I blinked. I was actually alive. I had a pounding headache. "There you are," said the sugar-sweet voice of a very pretty nurse. Her gorgeous face was the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes. "Feel all right now?" "It stings," I moaned, referring to my stitched and tightly bandaged tummy. "Well, don't you worry, that'll go away. Say, mister, what happened to you in there? It took four people to hold you down. You're really strong, you know that? You're just about the strongest young man we've ever seen around here. You feel better now?" I never had the chance to answer the lovely nurse's question. She was so beautiful, all I really wanted to say was that she had made me instantly horny and that I wanted to screw her brains out. But the pain of the stitches in my side became my overriding concern. That, and the pesky injections three times a day that left my right arm cramped for several hours; and the unfilling diet of jello and Cream of Wheat; and, during the next three days, the parade of relatives that passed through my room. As with my first hospital stay, years ago following the fight in the project, everyone in the Ricci clan showed up or called or sent a card. But now the Lobianco family and a vast array of their kin cruised in and out of view. My stepdad had fifteen brothers and sisters, and it seems most of them showed up. Almost all of them lived in the Little Flower parish, in the same part of town as the hospital. I met for the first time the enchanting, smoky-eyed Aunt Theresa Lobianco who would be a major figure in my sexual fantasies for many years. And Josephine Louise, who worked nearby, stopped in on her lunch hour each day to grin and joke around and then exit, leaving me with a horrendous erection. And then there was the phone call from Martha. She spoke first with my Mom, who filled her in on all the medical details and then handed the phone to me. "What are you doing in the hospital again, cowboy? Can't you stay out of trouble?" With my heart pounding, my mind swirling, and everyone in the room listening, I had to carefully consider every word I spoke and every expression on my face. After beating around the bush for a few sentences I asked, "So, are you married yet?" "Married!?" Martha laughed hysterically. "God, I don't have *time* to get married!" Mightily relieved, I didn't even hear the rest of our conversation. Martha couldn't say when or if she would be back for a visit. She wanted me to hurry and get well. I wanted to hurry and get well, too. I was already growing bored and giddy with impatience, knowing that I was under strict orders not to work at delivery or on the paper route for at least three weeks. That would be three weeks without money for New York. I still didn't tell Martha about my plans. The conversation got sidetracked onto my upcoming four- teenth birthday and, due a few weeks later, my graduation from grammar school. When the phone call ended I spent the rest of that day in a nearly morbid silence. I pretended to be irresistibly sleepy. Most of the visitors left the room as the nurse tucked me in for my final evening at St. Joseph's. I closed my eyes and allowed the others to think I was sound asleep. Meanwhile, I kept listening to the sound of Martha's telephone voice, which clung to my brain like syrup. She was not married. I wondered how long she would remain so, and how I could make up for three lost weeks. I would go home the next day and spend my birthday on the living room sofa, doing makeup homework to keep up with my classes. And all day long for three weeks I would simply think: Martha. Martha. PART 9D: Near the end of the summer of 1956, just before I started classes at Christian Brothers High School, I wrote Martha Jane and told her that the main reason I worked all summer was to earn money for a one-week visit to New York. I had saved enough for train fare, and if she didn't have room for me in her apartment I had money for a hotel. Three weeks passed. I'd hoped for a quick reply. I wanted to get to New York before the summer ended. But as the days passed I started losing hope. August ended. I made new plans: perhaps I'd hear from her soon and could at least spend the Labor Day holiday with her. Then Labor Day passed. And I thought: all right, then, Thanksgiving. And if not Thanksgiving, Christmas.... A letter arrived the week after Labor Day. Mom handed it to me when I came home from Christian Brothers. I pretended it was unimportant and told Mom I would read it when I got to it. I disappeared in my room for a while, then hid the letter under my shirt and rode my bike to Gaisman Park. I sat under one of the skinny, almost leafless saplings and hastily opened the envelope. "Dear Steven: Please, please please don't spend so much money so soon on a trip up here. I don't want you to go broke and spend every- thing on me. Wait a little longer." Disheartened, I read on. She had taken in a roommate, a struggling fabric designer named Veronica, whom she called Ronnie, to make ends meet. Martha's deal with Columbia didn't include summers, so she tutored privately and had other jobs on the side. And the apartment was far too small for two people, much less for three; and she and Ronnie had to lay low anyway because her lease included only one tenant; if Ronnie were found out the rent would go up. She wrote, "You really haven't saved enough money for a week in a decent hotel in New York. There is no way I'd have you stay in a dump. You'd get mugged or even killed in that kind of neighborhood. New York isn't like Memphis. It's very dangerous here." I read on. She wanted me to bury myself in work at Christian Bro- thers. She wanted me to give up the paper route and return to drama and to writing. I had sent her some short poems I'd written; she was so impressed that she wanted me to contact someone at school who would look at more of my work. She thought my stepdad's decision to send me to Christian Brothers was wise and that the Brothers were singular teach- ers. And if I were going to spend my money, I should wait until I had more on hand so that I wouldn't be totally broke, because I would need decent clothes of my own. And I should buy a new typewriter for school and for developing my writing instead of struggling with the Black Beauty (I had not yet told her the story of the Black Beauty's sorry fate). And I didn't belong on a paper route anyway; I belonged in the theater and on the student newspaper. So that was it. I could not refute her. In every way, she was correct. But I was not content with it. Two days later, on a Saturday when I knew long-distance rates were low, I asked Mom if I could make a call to New York and pay for it with my own money. Mom said yes. I dialed Martha's number. No answer. Two hours later I dialed again, late in the afternoon. It was Ronnie who answered, with a youngish voice and a noticeable New York City accent. "Who's this?" she asked. When I told her she replied excitedly, "Oh, Steeeeven! Oh, I've heard so much about you from Martha! So you're really a person? The way she talks about you, I didn't think you were real! Hold on, I'll get her." Martha was surprised and happy at my call. I asked, "What happened to your Memphis accent?" "Oh, hon, that's gone months ago. I call Mother and she can't understand a word I say." We had a long talk. It took a while for me to get accustomed to the changes in her voice. She talked faster, and she sounded older, worldlier and more businesslike. She apologized for not letting me visit her right away. She said I really and truly needed more money, and she refused to let me stay in a hotel. "I want you to come up here on an airplane, not a crummy train. I want you to be patient so you can be comfortable and treat yourself like a mensch. You know what a mensch is?" "No." "A mensch is a PERSON, hon! I don't want you coming up here with your stuff in a paper bag and looking like a street urchin. And I want to make plans for it, and have time to spend together. Don't you think that's better than being so rushed and desperate? Life in New York is desperate enough without all that." I didn't want to agree; but she was right, all the way down the line. She pleaded with me to buy a good typewriter, a nice one that I'd be happy with and that I would use to write and study instead of wasting my time and energy with notebook paper. I refused. I did so nicely, but I refused to spend money on a type- writer, which in those days was a fairly expensive and exotic item for a high school kid in Memphis. And I insisted that I'd rather save the money for New York. Martha yielded on that point but insisted that I travel to New York when the timing was better. She said, "I'm glad you called, Steven. Really. But talking about saving money, do you know we've been on the phone for over an hour?" Apparently she heard reluctance and disappointment in my voice. "Steven. Sweetheart. I miss you, and I know you'd love New York. Will you understand? For me? And treat yourself better, and be patient?" "Well...okay." "Don't say okay if you don't mean okay." I laughed. "Okay." "And buy yourself a typewriter?" "No." "Oh...stubborn! Hon, please write me. And please take it easy." Halloween passed. Thanksgiving. Three more letters and then Christmas cards passed between us. Then Christmas. 1957 began. Then Ronnie found a better job and moved into a vacancy in the same building. Then Martha found another teaching job on the side to supplement her scholarship. Easter passed. She sent an oversized Easter card that she said was designed by Ronnie. But no other word. April passed, and still no letter. One hot Friday afternoon in late spring, Charlie and I spent a harried day working one huge delivery after another. I was sullen and was taking my anger out on the orders, asking for the biggest ones and for the most distant customers. Finally, by late afternoon, the two of us cleared the backlog and the flow of customers thinned for a while. Soaked with sweat, I took a break in the restroom and soaked my head with cold water. As I returned to the front of the store, Charlie called to me from the front door. "Hey, Speedy!" He motioned toward the outside with his head. "C'mon out here, let's take a break. C'mon." "I just had one," I said crankily. "What the hell, c'mon." I met him out front and he mounted his bike. "Get on your bike," he said. "Let's take a ride." He lit a cigarette and handed me one. I took it and lit up. "Where to?" I asked. "Let's take a little ride up on High Street while it cools down. Get the hell away from this store for a spell." Wordlessly, I followed him on my squeaky bike and we rode up a short rise for several blocks. We took a right onto High Street, a narrow avenue of dilapidated tenements that had changed little since the turn of the century. A few of the buildings were abandoned; one of them had a condemnation notice on the front door. Abruptly, Charlie turned into a narrow driveway overgrown with weeds beside a four-story building of old, oily, dull red brick. "What's up?" I asked, crushing out my cigarette. "C'mon and meet a coupla girls I know," he said laconically. He shoved down the kickstand and flipped his cigarette toward the street. "Girls," I said apprehensively. Quickly, I removed my glasses. Charlie smirked. "Hell, Chrissie and Karen don't care 'bout that." "I do," I said. The wooden front stairs and porch creaked loudly under our feet. Charlie pounded on the screen door and hummed and waited. Presently two teenaged girls opened the heavy front door. Charlie introduced them with a few lines of friendly banter. Chrissie, the busty one with curly blonde hair and a mischievous smile, said hi. Karen was the slim, quiet one with long black hair and an expressionless face. "What's up?" Charlie asked. "C'mon," Chrissie said to him playfully, "I'll show ya. Karen, you and Steven...talk." She giggled. Charlie and Chrissie disappeared into the massive dark hallway beyond the door. Karen leaned in the doorway and looked me over shyly, still with no expression on her face, her hands folded behind her. She was attractive in a lazy, slutty way, with a pale narrow face and a thin, wide mouth, black hair that draped around her small shoulders, and dark, ambiguous eyes. "Charlie says you're a real hard worker," she said, her voice soft and hesitant and dripping with a heavy drawl that I recognized as belong- ing to northern Mississippi sharecroppers. "I do my share," I said. Unaccustomed to talking with girls my age, I said lamely, "So you're Karen." "Yeah. I'm Karen. Uh, Chrissie and me been friends for a long time." It had been so long since I'd stood face to face with a girl, I had no idea what to do next. I looked around to see if Charlie and Chrissie were doing anything that might give me a clue as to what was going on, but they had disappeared inside the building. Karen eyed me with an inscrutable stare. A clumsy silence passed. Then she motioned with her eyes to her right, toward the hallway. I wondered if she meant what I thought she meant. She hesitated, and moved lazily into the hallway, where she stopped with one foot on the stairway and a hand on the dusty wooden bannister. She turned toward me momentarily, her face still dull and unchanged, her dark eyes questioning. I stepped inside the screen door and let it close softly behind me. She headed slowly up the stairs, quickly glancing at me about halfway up. I waited at the door. Then at the top step her gaze again met mine, directly but very briefly, as she turned and started up the second level. I told myself: hey, idiot, she wants you to follow her. I moved to the stairway. It was all too unexpected and unfamiliar. There had been girls who told me they thought I was cute, but none who made or accepted my advances. What the hell -- it had been almost two years for me. Martha was in no hurry to see me. Probably New York would never happen. But was Karen serious? Halfway up the first flight I paused and listened. The floor above creaked softly. I continued. When I reached the second floor all I saw were dusty shafts of sunlight, warped and faded walls, and several half- open doorways. Then, behind the second door on my right, I heard what sounded like the squeak of an old metal bed. I moved forward and stood in the doorway; the odor of grease and rotted plaster bled from the room. Karen sat on a half-made metal bed, holding a single deflated pil- low to her chest, her long legs folded under her dark blue dress. Her eyes looked at me from her dull face. "What took y' so long?" she joked. A slight smile creased her thin lips; the smile disappeared instantly as I moved into the room and looked around. The space consist- ed of four walls, a cracked ceiling, a closed closet, an undraped open window, the bed, and her. I stood in the middle of the room, hands on my aproned hips. "What's up?" I wondered if, at any moment, an axe murderer might dash from the closet, empty my pockets of the tips I'd earned that day, and kill me. She seemed confused. Then hesitantly she raised a slender, long- fingered hand to her dress and touched the top button. "Wont me t' take this off?" I don't know how many seconds she waited for me as her words slowly sank into my brain. Soon she began undoing her buttons. "It's okay to do it in here. Ain't nobody else home today, they all went downtown." As she spoke she allowed her dress to fall open and reveal one breast and its flat, cocoa-brown nipple. "Won't nobody come in." She motioned toward the window. "Cain't see nothin' through the winder, either, they tore down the buildin's back there." I started undressing. As I got down to my underwear and prepared to strip them off, I heard a noise from the hallway. "Never mind them," she urged. "They're too busy doin' it to worry 'bout us." In one motion she slid under the sheet, pulled her dress over her head and off, and held a corner of the bedsheet aside for me, care- fully keeping herself covered below the waist. "C'mon," she said. "Git in." Nude, I slipped under the sheet. She covered us and turned to me. I turned to her, but hastily she pulled herself to me as if she didn't want me to see all of her, and curled her legs around mine. Against my right knee I felt her crotch and was amazed that she had become sopping wet so quickly. Like a sudden wind from under the sheet her girl's scent rose, stringent and sharp. It was disconcerting; heady because of its sheer lusty power, uninviting because it seemed so alien to her otherwise alluring, slim, white body. Her face was uncommunicative, but her eyes were intent, waiting, deeply focussed into mine. Her arms went around me and she tried pulling herself closer to me, and me to her. I reached under the sheet and down, touching her dripping mound. Instantly, her hand shot down to hold mine away from her. "No, don't. I don't usually like bein' touched there. It's embarrassin' sometimes." Surprised and disappointed, I looked at her confusedly. Her eyes softened and gently she placed my hand on one of her pliant little breasts. "I don't need much touchin' anyway," she said apologetically. "I'm ready. Can you tell? How 'bout you? You ready?" Her eyes on mine, her hand found my cock as if by radar, without searching. She gave me a quick, fleeting, sensuous grin -- another of her rare facial expressions that vanished almost as quickly as they appeared. "Yeah...it's gettin' there." Without removing her eyes from mine she reached under the edge of the mattress on her side and retrieved a rubber, quickly stripped open the wrapper, and reached under the sheet. Chewing her lip, she held my cock with one hand and with the other unrolled the cold rubber over my length. "There," she whispered, lying back. "C'mon. 'S been a long time. I need it in me." Well, I thought, if that's the way she likes it...I covered her and then settled on her, and with one whispering slide of her trim torso she raised her knees and spread her thighs. Before I knew it she grabbed me again, her light touch and long fingers warm and tickly, stimulating me briefly until I realized she was maneuvering me into her while I was only mildly excited and barely at half-mast. Nevertheless, she was so wet and slippery that I slid inside; she had only to nudge her hips slightly upward, and I was fully sheathed. Through the confining rubber I felt she was warm, almost steamy--but so soft and lubricous that I felt I were copulating into a small glass of warm water. I tried to raise on my arms and look down at her, but immediately she pulled me close and pulled herself up so that we were tightly joined with my face in her neck. She wasted little time. Gasping, "Yeah. Feels good," she began squirming her sex against me with a nimble precision that belied her sluggish manner. I humped slowly but steadily, stretching a bit so that my nearly flaccid shaft could gain some feeling of her inner shape and texture. But to my disappointment I felt little, save for the pleasant tickle of her pubic hair bristling near the unrubbered part of my root. The sensation was paltry, and a great deal more of what I had been accustomed to was altogether absent, but it did generate a mild erotic twinge that helped stiffen me a little. "Yeah," she panted. "Gettin' harder. Hmm. You move good." Soon I knew I could not maintain this semi-erection. It wasn't just the lack of sensation or the sense of being rushed: we were clumsy and unsynchronized. There was nothing about us physically or emotionally or mentally that spoke in the same terms, much less in the same language. Not being able to touch her, not being stroked or primed myself, I became merely a cooperative observer. Staring ahead at a sight no more scintil- lating than a patch of pillow, her earlobes, and part of her tensing neck, I grew more and more distant. The only thing keeping me involved was the surprisingly rapid ap- proach of her orgasm. "Don't cum yet!" she panted. "Keep dickin' me!" I pumped her steadily, keeping my shaft near what I thought was her clit and flexing my cock to make it seem stiffer. I wanted at least the pleasure of getting her there. The old bed jiggled. Soon she was gasp- ing and groaned "Yeah..." and her head fell back. Her ankles slid around mine. Seconds later, she trembled and hissed "Yeah," and her head snapped stiffly forward. She whimpered a few times and her nails dug into my back while she rapidly ground her pubis against me for several seconds. Somewhere beyond the rubber I dimly felt her inner spasms. Then with a shudder and a sigh she sank back like a limp string. I stopped. Propping on my elbows, I watched her: she lay open- mouthed, eyes shut, breathing deeply and exhaling in long tired sighs. Her arms relaxed and fell from me, one flopping to her side and the other draping itself around her head. "Hey," she panted, "yer good...Y' know just how to do it." "Glad you liked it." "Yeah. Liked it a lot...I'm glad you waited. I ain't cum good 'n hard like that in a long time." She opened her yes. "You cum okay?" "Sure," I lied. "I couldn't tell. You must a cum when I did." "Mm-hm." For a moment I held her and stroked her cheek, neck and dark nipples, planting little kisses on her throat and her slim, oddly touchable shoulders. Her flesh was soft and seemed to melt against my lips. It wasn't that I liked her so much; it was sympathy for a soft girl whose life was so barren that she could think of what we had just done as being great sex. And more: I needed someone to please, hold, and kiss. Soon she squirmed nervously, her eyes filled with surprise and mild reproach. "Hey, you could make somebody fall in luv, doin' stuff like that. Holdin' an' kissin'...'n stuff." I moved off her. Swinging my legs out of the bed, I sat up with my feet on the floor and my back to her. "Just felt like doin' it," I mut- tered, defeated, looking down and seeing the empty rubber on me. Out of her sight, I pulled it off and pitched it out the open window. I started dressing. I didn't want to be there anymore. She rolled onto her stomach, still clasping the sheet about her. "Hey. You live 'round here?" "No." "Oh. Thought maybe I'd...see you around sometime." "It's...possible." She started to speak again, but stopped. Her face had changed; it had a look of quiet contentment and a girlish almost-smile. I was stooping to tie my shoes when she spoke again. "Maybe I wouldn't be so shy, next time. 'Specially with you. I always been kinda shy." "Why? There's nothing wrong with you. You're pretty." "Yeah, well...but shy anyway...You look better'n I thought you would." I walked to the door and looked out. There was no one in the hallway. "How old 're you?' she taunted, rocking shyly on her hips. "Sev'n- teen? Eighteen? I'm sev'nteen, come July." I looked back at her. Should I tell her I was barely fifteen? I lied: "Eighteen." I noticed I was lying more often lately. "You don't talk much," she said. I smiled weakly. "I'm shy too." "Yeah. You fuck real good, though." She blushed. "You ever hear that song, 'Sweet 'n' Gentle'?" She smiled devilishly. Her teeth were yellow, a couple of them chipped. From downstairs I heard a door slam and then Charlie's heavy foot- steps heading for the door. "Hey, Speedy! You up there? C'mon, we gotta go!" "I have to get back to work," I told Karen, and I started downstairs. Behind me I heard her call out, "You know where t' find me. Right?" Charlie and I mounted our bikes. He lit a cigarette and started forward. "Damn," he said, "that was a LOAD off my MIND!" We rolled down the street. Charlie said, "You ain't said nothin'. How was Karen?" I shrugged. "It was okay." "Okay? Damn. Just a little quickie, wha'd you expect?" "It was okay. Nice." "Never done her myself. Chrissie always tells me Karen's real hot." "Yeah," I said, trying to forget the whole thing, "she is." Charlie wagged his head. "Damn, Speedy. I cain't figure you out." That night I arrived home around ten o'clock, as usual for a Friday. Mom was asleep. I showered. Then I remembered Karen and showered again. It might have been possible for me to like her. She struck me as pretty, an oddly delicate but kinky combination. I wondered if she had any diseases. Two days before my fifteenth birthday, I arrived home from school and found a large, brown-paper Parcel Post package on my bed. The return ad- dress was East 87th Street in New York. Quickly, I unwrapped and opened the heavy box. It was a brand new Underwood typewriter. Taped to the instruction manual was a birthday card. Martha had signed it. Under her name were three or four x's and a message: "Call me 'Collect' on your birthday." Continued... Author: sjr <73233.1411@CompuServe.COM> -- CJ I don't write any stories. I'm just a reader, and sometimes a reposter. -- +--------------' Story submission `-+-' Moderator contact `------------+ | story-submit@qz.little-neck.ny.us | story-admin@qz.little-neck.ny.us | | Archive site +--------------------+------------------+ Newsgroup FAQ | \ .../assm/faq.html> /