Message-ID: <4945eli$9710161234@qz.little-neck.ny.us> X-Archived-At: From: Celeste801@aol.com Subject: {ASS} Celestial Reviews 225 - Oct 15 Newsgroups: alt.sex.stories.d,alt.sex.stories.moderated,alt.sex.stories Followup-To: alt.sex.stories.d Path: qz!not-for-mail Organization: The Committee To Thwart Spam Approved: X-Moderator-Contact: Eli the Bearded X-Story-Submission: X-Original-Message-ID: <971015213530_1344664645@emout17.mail.aol.com> X-Is-Review: yes Celestial Reviews 225 - October 15, 1997 Note: A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked dish and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly. About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone. "He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off." The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief, "What? On my own time??" Second Note: I got this from rec.humor.funny: As I lay in bed last night looking at my wife, thinking how nice it would be to have sex with her, I rested my hand upon her breast and gently cupped it (having no choice, since my right hand is now permanently cramped from using a mouse all day). I heard a soft moan, but moments later found myself relegated back to my side of the bed. Alas, I had double clicked her nipple. Second Note: More Cumshots: Does an adulteress who orgasms with several lovers at once cumpound her sin? Are couples who can only climax in the missionary position on cummission? Do women who climax during group sex orgasm by cummittee? Have those unfortunates who can't orgasm at all lost their cumpass? Are anal orgasms our enduring legacy from Sodom and Cummorah? Are newlyweds honeymooning in Mexico hoping to reach Cumcun? (we know already that their favorite breakfast is a roll in bed with honey...) Are those rarest of all gems, women who love to swallow, cumpassionate? Do women who were left hanging there by premature ejaculators cummiserate with each other? Do women who buy that old chestnut that "sperm is good for your skin" really improve their cumplexion? Is a woman reaching an orgasm while getting great head from Noam Chomsky supposed to yell "Cumming, linguist!!!" Third Note: Halloween is cumming! I'll post a special issue of Halloween-related stories. If you have stories you want me to review in that issue, send them to me or post them on a.s.s.m. as soon as possible. Fourth note: When one of "our" authors makes good, I like to publicize that fact . Mary Anne Mohanraj has published "Torn Shapes of Desire," a 128-page book containing many of the stories I have reviewed so favorably plus a few other items, with Intangible Assets Manufacturing. I understand that information is available at http://www.iam.com/tsd.html. Good luck, Mary Anne! Final note: Remember: even though someone else may be posting my reviews for me, my e-mail address is still Celeste801@aol.com. - Celeste "Table for Two" by Solstice (hypnosis) 10, 8, 8 "1997 Teen Blow Job Tournament" by Daphne Xu (oral sex) 9.5, 10, 10 "Conjugation" by Uther Pendragon (sexy word association) 10, 10, 10 "Eruption" by Lord Malinov (sex and music) 10, 10, 10 "Falling Into Grace" by Caintigern O'Niall (hot ff romance) 10, 10, 10 "SPAM CONTEST" by Taria (spam contest) 10, 10, 10 Guest Reviews: "Soul of Dawn" by H. D. Meister (romance) 9, 10, 10 "Jean's Secret" by Robert Steele (teen & older neighbor) 7, 8, 8 "Happily Ever After" by losgud (sexy in-law) 8, 8, 9 "The Nature Girl" by Joseph Jasper (sex in the park) "The Meeting" by Hardrock (cybersex becomes real sex) 6, 7, 6 "Xena: Another Shower of Gold" by Blackbelt (deity sex) 8, 9, 8.5 "Back to the Fold" by H.D. Meister (rebound romance) "Batgirl - Blow-up Doll" by MD James (superhero sex) 9.5, 8, 5 "The Fetish Series" by Hawk Richards (porn parody) 10, 10, 6 "Table for Two" by Solstice (solstice@frontiernet.net). It's going to be difficult to write a review that's shorter than this story. It's definitely going to take me longer to write this review than it did to read the story. It's about a woman talking to a waiter about a man who is hypnotizing and then fondling another woman in a restaurant in which the woman who is watching the man hypnotize the woman is eating and the waiter who is talking to the woman who is watching the man hypnotize the woman is waiting. In case that was confusing, we can try this: It's about a woman talking to a waiter about a man who is hypnotizing and then fondling another woman in a restaurant in which the woman who is watching the man hypnotize the woman is eating and the waiter who is talking to the woman who is watching the man hypnotize the woman is waiting. The story uses shorter sentences. Ratings for "Table for Two" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 8 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 8 "1997 Teen Blow Job Tournament" by Daphne Xu (daphne@nym.alias.net). This is another submission to Malinov's spam contest. They don't have spam or blowjobs in China - at least "Shuming Zhao was naive about these things when she came to college in the United States to study computer science. The sexual descriptions are a combination of the extremely explicit and the completely impersonal. People don't really have sex this way - at least not very often - not even those ubiquitous Asian teenagers who come to the United States to learn about computers and sex. Ratings for "1997 Teen Blow Job Tournament" Athena (technical quality): 9.5 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Conjugation" by Uther Pendragon (anon584c@nyx.nyx.net). The conjugation of a verb lists its forms by person, number, and tense. For example, I am, you are, he/she/it is, etc. The derivation of the word "conjugation" comes from the Latin for "to join together," and the term is used with this meaning in various areas of science. Strictly speaking, this story (or poem, if you wish) is not a conjugation. Instead, the author takes several different verbs and combines them with he, she, and they to describe the sort of things a man and a woman might do while they are in the process of joining together. One of the interesting things about this story is that the phrases can be read as either couplets or triplets, resulting in slightly different impressions. Try it: it's fun. Or record it, and play it back at interesting times. Or record it in French.... This piece is really quite delightful at what it does. It's just not designed to tell a traditional story. Ratings for "Conjugation" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Eruption" by Lord Malinov (malinov@mindless.com). This is one of those rare stories that contain the word "azure." This is not really a sexually explicit story; I think it could be published in a mass-circulation magazine. It's essentially about a man and a woman conversing about the music the man is writing to go along with a friend's lyrics. The friend is the woman's lover, and although the man is hot for the woman, all the sex in the story is merely innuendo about what she and the lyrics writer do together in his mad passion. Nevertheless, this is a very good story. Ratings for "Eruption" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Falling Into Grace" by Caintigern O'Niall (Caintigern@deathsdoor). Grace goes to a festival with her boyfriend, who is a bit of a possessive jerk. During a lull in the action, her eye falls upon Phylicia, and the result is mutual love at first sight. Grace lacks experience with same-gender sex, but she learns quickly from the more adept Phylicia. The story is very well written. The non-sex dialogue and descriptions add to the atmosphere, but they are not overdone. And the sex is just plain hot. Ratings for "Falling Into Grace" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "SPAM CONTEST" by Taria (Taria@aol.com). The job of the protagonist in this story is to promote spam; but the catch is that he works for Mr. Hormel himself. For those of you who don't know, Spam is the "meat" product that gave its name to the unwanted garbage that clutters your email boxes and newsgroups - not vice versa. Anyway, it seems that Mr. Hormel can't understand why he has been so vehemently rejected on the Internet. The story contains no sex - except by very indirect innuendo; but it's still a very legitimate and creative entry for Malinov's contest. I certainly enjoyed it! Ratings for "SPAM CONTEST" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Celeste (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Soul of Dawn" by H. D. Meister (dez187lm@hotmail.com). Guest review by BluePencil. Dawn is leaving college, and wants to see her two closest male friends one last time. If Mike Hunt were writing this, they would have one last humor-laced orgy. If this were one of Mark Aster's "My Friends the Allens" series, they would have a hedonistic session of lovemaking, distinguishable from an orgy only by its tenderness. If The Bear were writing, they'd have sex, probably while drunk, but would feel a little guilty about it later. In spirit, Meister's handling of the story is closest to Aster's. But Dawn, beautiful as she is, is also a virgin. And her friends are the ones who got her through a shattering rape attempt. This is a solidly character-driven story. Though the sex is well-written, and integral to the story, it is only a piece of a larger mosaic. Though there were a few minor flaws in the writing - at times, the grammar felt forced, and the language melodramatic - it is well-written, interesting, and appealing. Recommended. Ratings for "Soul of Dawn" Athena (technical quality): 9 Venus (plot and character): 10 BluePencil (appeal to reviewer): 10 "Jean's Secret" by Robert Steele. Guest review by Madcap. The toughest writing is a short story. Every word must count and every sentence must imply the contents of a paragraph in a longer format. In "Jean's Secret" the author almost carries it off, but the story needed a little more polish. The plot: A computer aware teenager lives next door to a pretty young widow . . . need I say more? I liked the story and found the premise almost believable if somewhat underdeveloped. This was a story that begged for a few more paragraphs to set up the action. When it comes to endings this author is able to turn left and leave the reader traveling in a straight line. Great ending: the trip from beginning to end wasn't bad, and the ending is worth the effort. Ratings for "Jean's Secret" Athena (technical quality): 7 Venus (plot & character): 8 Madcap (appeal to reviewer): 8 "Happily Ever After" by losgud (losgud@hotmail.com). Guest review by Mark Aster. Normal male, sexy sister-in-law staying over until she can find an apartment of her own, a strapless halter blouse, soft meltingbreasts, sighs, moans... The wife walks in on them at a crucial juncture (there's a pun hiding there), and stuff happens. The author says "I misplaced the pretense of plot and character development with this one", and that's mostly true; this is mostly straight and joyous fucking, with not much in the way of tension or teasing. The plot could have been milked for a slower and more reluctant and sexier buildup, but hey there's nothing wrong with straightforward coupling now and then, especially when everyone's having such a good time. There are some stylistic roughnesses here, although I have a hard time describing them helpfully. The author is literate, more literate than the average a.s.s.* poster, but something... Here's a passage: >The way my dancing tongue made the whole area quiver made >me want to keep on doing just that. But eventually I stopped. >I stopped to do you know what. I pulled down her panties with >the long slow touch, the public unveiling of the modern savior. It's not BAD. I don't think. Maybe it's just idiosyncratic. Maybe I'd come to love it by the end of the eighth or tenth story. But it was distracting the first time through this one somehow. There's no obvious antecedent for "just that", maybe? The "you know what" is sort of odd because we don't know exactly what? "public unveiling of the modern savior" just barely fails to make sense to me? But anyway! This is getting to be more of an analysis than a review, and this is the wrong venue for that. This is a story worth reading, short and sweet, considerable hot and sticky sex, nice breasts, nipples, lips, orgasms, and even just a hint of plot... I'll try to actually do numbers this time: Athena: 8 (two points for the oddities of diction) Venus: 8 (well, there ISN'T much plot and character) Mark: 9 (a pretty yummy story; it's hard to get a 10 out of me, even when I'm trying to use the numbers about like Celeste does!) "The Nature Girl" by Joseph Jasper (joe@nmpnet.enet). Guest review by Wild Ron. A straightforward tale of a couple, Vickie and Steve, who are well suited sexually, as they enjoy each other's company in a local park. This tale could use some editing to smooth out the linguistic 'bumps in the road'. For example, when Vicky is described as having a great figure ".. easily filling the right spots in any lingerie..", I have to wonder just how big is she? It's a quick read, five minutes or so, and my 'Laptop Indicator' says that there is no time to develop any pressure. A piece of fluff that can contribute to a good time as an appetizer, but no main course here. "The Meeting" by Hardrock (hardrock@visi.net). Guest Review by Piper. Before starting to read the story itself, I knew that this was Hardrock's first story, one he wrote for his girlfriend. She liked it so much, she convinced him to post it. According to him, it is based on fact. That makes this a "true" story. A first-attempt-at-writing true story. Uh oh. Now that I've read the story, it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. He and she are ISP chatroom friends, then telephone lovers. With her living in NE Canada, and him stationed somewhere in the SW USA, they don't get many opportunities for face to face meetings. In fact, this story is about their first get-together. They both know what they want, but are nervous about what will happen. We know what's going to happen, since he tells us up front. She's beautiful, of course. He's tall and skinny, but has a slightly longer and thicker than average cock. She's got the biggest clit he's ever seen on a live woman. They meet in the airport. They're both sans undies. He finger fucks her while they're waiting for her luggage to show up. Right there in the airport. In the open. Bodes well for what's coming, doesn't it? They drive to the hotel where he's rented a room. The inevitable happens. As usual in these true stories written for that someone special, it's hotter for the two participants than for us uninvolved readers. Not to say that this couldn't be a hot story. If the writer stuck to a single tense, rather than changing from past to present and back again every few paragraphs, it would certainly help. A little more imagination in describing the sex acts would help too. The author and his girlfriend have been through the reality. His words help them relive fond memories, memories we don't share, so we depend on the words to turn us on and get us off. When the words are insufficient, the story is flat. This story is on the borderline. It could be good. There is potential. But that potential isn't quite realized. Despite everything, there's enough hot sex to make this worth a look. Ratings for "The Meeting" Technical merit 6 Plot & character 7 Appeal to reviewer 6 "Xena: Another Shower of Gold" by Blackbelt (rose.170@osu.edu) Guest review by Piper (Deity sex) (I'm down to number three now. After the last one, I was a little dubious about continuing. I'm glad I did.) Buried in Greek mythology are all the varied forms that Zeus (the head god) transformed himself into in order to take fair maidens unawares. You know - a bull, a swan, and others. Actually, if I were a maiden, I don't think I'd fall for the amorous attentions of one of those creatures. Not my idea of a nice cuddle. But, anyway, in the old stories, it happens all the time. So Xena and Gabrielle are on the trail, and while traveling, Gabby tells her friend all about these legends. The two women stop for the night by a beautiful, grass-banked lake, and Gabrielle goes for a swim. When she gets out, she lays down for a few minutes, air drying. Well, guess who comes calling. This time, he arrives in the form of a yellowish flow of water. Uh huh. A shower of gold. Read the story if you want -those- details. Now, if you know your mythology, you know that Zeus is married. Hera (his wife, a powerful goddess) is a tad jealous of his infidelities. She promises revenge. A permanent kind of revenge. I can't say any more without ruining the ending, so I won't. Is this a good story? Compared to the last two, it's brilliant. In reality, it is pretty good. There's a real storyline. There's some real imagination. There's real sentences. There's a pretty girl enjoying her first time, even if her partner doesn't have any lips to kiss. Again, like so many other stories, this one is marred by occasional typos and mistakes. "Futile to resist,", as the start of a sentence, makes no sense whatsoever, not even in context. Despite this and other malapropos words, the story flows fairly well. This is a tale worth reading, if only for the unique method of coupling described. Ratings for "Another Shower of Gold" Technical merit 8 Plot & character 9 Appeal to reviewer 8.5 "Back to the Fold" by H.D. Meister (dez187lm@hotmail.com). Guest review by Mat Twassel. Right at the beginning of H.D. Meister's story, "Back to the Fold," we learn that the main character, Kelly, "had come to the conclusion that all that men wanted was sex. While she enjoyed sex, she had long ago decided that a relationship based solely on the physical was not going to work, no matter how hard either party wanted it." {Interruptory humor from Celeste: A woman was unloading her grocery cart in the parking lot, when a man got out of the car in the space next to hers. Hoping to save the trip of pushing her cart to the cart carrel, she said to him, "Here! Would you like my cart?" "No, thanks," the man replied. "I only want one thing." "Men!" she humphed; "They always want just one thing!"} But Kelly's college roommate is going to have a guest for the evening, so Kelly accepts her friend Del's offer of a good home-cooked meal and a place to spend the night. Sure enough, it turns out that Del is Lust, but a very knowing and caring Lust. He spends about a third of this longish story (12 single-spaced pages) seducing Kelly, and then the final two thirds sucking and fucking the Dickens out of her. It takes Kelly about eight of these single spaced pages to come, and then she keeps coming for two or three more pages. Pretty intense stuff. The writing is regrettably amateurish, the syntax clumsy, passages of over-writing abound; yet if you stick with the story you might find some pleasure in sharing Kelly's experience, some power in Meister's narrative. Here's my favorite part of "Back to the Fold": It was when he began alternating holes that Kelly found herself gazing up at her orgasm. It was much taller than any other time, and it bled power, Lust and passion. The thing before her was not the little child she had nursed, either alone or with another; this was nothing short of a monster. A monster which wanted her. And its voice was that of the fireplace, mixed with Del's and the collective voices of the storm. ===== "Batgirl - Blow-up Doll" by MD James (d2beast@aol.com.). Guest review by Anne747. I can never decide if I like fan fiction or not. Some people feel that the authors are being lazy by not creating their own characters. I don't necessarily subscribe to this opinion; but since I haven't watched Batman since I was a kid, it just doesn't have a sexual punch for me. Oh, I've seen some of the newer movies, but I still can't help but think of those campy shows I used to watch with the little cartoon 'bam' 'pow' overlays. However, I do understand a fan of a show wanting to take that sexual attraction between characters further. The story just kind of fell flat for me. Barbara Gordon, a.k.a. Batgirl, attends a carnival and is given a magic amulet by Madame Vie. I'm simplifying the plot, but basically when Batgirl next sees Batman she is thrown into an orgasmic state, and her breasts begin to grow. There is more plot than this, but this is the main plot. Of course, to solve her dilemma, Batman must fuck Batgirl (didn't we see this coming). Batgirl ends up with larger breasts after her problems, and we all know that big breasts are the secret to happiness, right? Okay, I'm being sarcastic. It just seems too happy at the end. I mean two of the couples involved live happily ever after. Probably the best part of the old campy series was the cliff-hangers at the end. Okay, we all knew that Batman wasn't going to get sliced in two by the saw, but there was a little tension is waiting for the 'Same bat time, same bat channel' to find out what happened. This story could use a little more tension. The writer is good enough to lose the growing breasts bit, and write a decent story with a better plot. Ratings for "Batgirl - Blow-up Doll" Athena (technical quality): 9.5 Venus (plot & character): 8 (for the effort, but falls flat) Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): 5 (didn't hate it, didn't love it, kind of neutral) "The Fetish Series" by Hawk Richards (HawkRds@aol.com). Guest review by Anne747. I can just feel myself getting into trouble with this review. The author and I have exchanged mail at one time, so am I impartial? I'd like to think so, since I've told friends before that I liked/disliked something they had written. I'm just not good at saying something is good, if I don't think it is. Now, hang on, I'm not saying I don't think this is good. The story is a parody. You may ask how I know this? Well the writer tells us this before the story starts. I'm not sure if the reader shouldn't be a little insulted that the author thinks we couldn't figure it out on our own. However, having said that, I suppose there are some people who would read this and think it's meant to be sexy. It's amusing, probably not all that far from some of the conversations held by low budget porn producers. The sex is incidental to the story line really. Oops, I forgot the story line. Two hungover porn guys decide they need a hook. After some rather inane conversation they decide on an 'Ultimate Fetish' series. They wake up their female star and one of the men fucks her (which as far as I can see has nothing to do with any fetish). I guess the thing is that I tend to read erotica for arousal. Oh, I enjoy a good story, but if it doesn't pass the wet panty test, well, I might as well go read the paper. I have a feeling that the sex was meant to be portrayed as uninteresting on purpose, and I understand why Hawk felt that is worked. He's likely going to hate the personal opinion number, but I didn't really laugh, and I didn't even consider touching myself. I wavered on the plot/character number, since I think the characters are meant to be one-dimensional on purpose to support the idea of a parody. Ratings for "The Fetish Series" Athena (technical quality): 10 Venus (plot & character): 10 Anne747 (appeal to reviewer): 6 -- +--------------' Story submission `-+-' Moderator contact `------------+ | story-submit@qz.little-neck.ny.us | story-admin@qz.little-neck.ny.us | | Archive site +--------------------+------------------+ Newsgroup FAQ | \ .../assm/faq.html> /